wranglings…

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I’m not much of a cowboy, but I’m doing plenty of mental wrangling… hoping that my brain is working right… wondering if it’s not… finding that I’ve got a worry knot at the base of my neck, & I’m attempting to finagle a deep tissue massage some time before my scheduled appointment on the 24th.

Off to Sac tomorrow for a hang out with Chum – his b-day is the 15th, & we try to take time at least once every 8-12 weeks to get a good lunch (Cheesecake Factory or Tony Roma’s) get some coffee (for me, foo foo for Chum) & catch a movie. It’s good just to spend time together – sometimes, the deep thoughts swarm like the proverbial Salmon of Capistrano, but other times it’s just light & goofy. We talk about 1 or 2x a week – on purpose. I’m thankful for my friend.

Spent the evening at UNR watching the Pasty Gangster scrimmage for the football camp – against 4 different teams. He’s a LB (linebacker) which means he tackles people. And man, they are BIG nowadays. There were quite a few guys that are running 6’4″ & 275+. Goodness. The Bean is not pleased about the prospects of Pasty encountering one of the big Thugs.

I’m at week 3.5 of a special type of eating. Enjoying it. Bring on the Flaming Hot Pork Skins. Yeah!

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A psalm of David – Psalm 28
O LORD, You are my rock of safety.
Please help me; don’t refuse to answer me.
For if You are silent,
I might as well give up and die.

Listen to my prayer for mercy
as I cry out to You for help,
as I lift my hands toward Your holy sanctuary.

Don’t drag me away with the wicked—
with those who do evil—
those who speak friendly words to their neighbors
while planning evil in their hearts.

Give them the punishment they so richly deserve!
Measure it out in proportion to their wickedness.
Pay them back for all their evil deeds!
Give them a taste of what they have done to others.

They care nothing for what the LORD has done
or for what His hands have made.
So He will tear them down like old buildings,
and they will never be rebuilt!

Praise the LORD!
For He has heard my cry for mercy.

The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger.
I trust in Him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

The LORD protects his people
and gives victory to his anointed king.

Save Your people!
Bless Israel, Your special possession!
Lead them like a shepherd,
and carry them forever in Your arms.

Remember the Sabbath…

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The circumstances of life lately have led to more introspection than normal, which is saying quite a bit, thank you very much. A lot of my pondering has been on the topic of relationships, what’s important in life, & having peace regardless of circumstance. In the midst of it, I keep hearing, “Remember the Sabbath…”

  • It’s a reminder that I’m more than the sum of my accomplishments. That I’m holy, because I belong to God.
  • It’s holy time – set apart to God to honor Him, & live life for the sake of living – I like to think of it as being ‘for no good reason,’ which is something I think about as a poke at the idea that all the time I spend needs to be Productive. And Purposeful.
  • It’s coming to Jesus because His yoke is easy & His burden is light. And anyone selling a different yoke or trying to lay one on you is selling something…
  • It’s life in all of its fullness…

    It’s for me. I choose it.

    Psalm 54 1 Save me, O God, by your name;
    vindicate me by your might.
    2 Hear my prayer, O God;
    listen to the words of my mouth.

    3 Strangers are attacking me;
    ruthless men seek my life—
    men without regard for God.
    Selah

    4 Surely God is my help;
    the Lord is the one who sustains me.

    5 Let evil recoil on those who slander me;
    in your faithfulness destroy them.

    6 I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
    I will praise your name, O LORD,
    for it is good.

    7 For he has delivered me from all my troubles,
    and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

    NLT

    • emotional gas tank…

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    And I thought the price of gas was high.

    One of the things that I’ve been learning about myself over the last 18 or so months is that I need to keep a watch on my emotional gas tank… it runs out way, way, sooner than does my physical tank. The problem is, my emotional tank lies to me. Tells me everything is OK. No worries. Coping just fine, thanks for asking. I’m doing Well.

    It could almost lead one to think that the emotional gas tank was doing just fine. But I’m catching on to it…

    So far, I’ve found that doing things & being around people that I enjoy (or enjoy me, take your pick) makes me feel about 83% better. And the rest of the refill might just be waiting for the time to pass to allow healing. I feel weepy, & cry at the drop of the proverbial hat. Oh, the joy of being around me.

    And wondering… what refills your emotional gas tank? Or, have you discovered that you HAVE one?

    quince años…

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    This coming Saturday, scoey-d gets to do something that he’s never done before… drumroll… I get to ‘officiate’ at a quince años party (aka the quinceañera…) Generically, it’s a “coming of age” ceremony for Latina young ladies as they reach the ripe old age of 15 (hence the name, quince años, which means 15 years.)

    From what I can tell, it’s similar in purpose to the bar & bat-mitzvah where a ceremony & party are thrown to celebrate the young woman’s entrance into womanhood, & also into society… You can read a bit more about this ceremony here.

    My role in this thing as the officiant is to give a 10-15 minute ‘challenge’ or ‘encouragement’ to the young lady… I’ve watched a few examples on video of this occurring, & so far, I only know what I won’t be doing. I’ve seen preachy lectures, a soliloquy borrowed from Shakespeare (poorly I might add;) a Proverbs 31 adaptation (also bad)… so, rather than taking my cue from what I’ve seen so far, I’m branching out on my own into uncharted waters…

    my question to you is this:
    What advice, encouragement, wisdom, etc. would you give to a 15 year old girl? In the spirit of me asking for advice, feel free to let me have it. And I’d appreciate real advice as well.

    Thanks in advance…

    Goodbye to Sue L. & other thoughts…

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    Good bye Sue L. You’ll be missed. Esp. when I’m trying to figure out what exactly the little knobbys do on the soundboard.

    On that note: I wonder what part of our psyche is affected as we try to deal with the death of friends & loved ones… cause I know there’s a part that is numbed, & does everything possible to try to function like Everything Is Normal, when at the same time a logical portion of the mind(?) is stating, matter of factly of course, the ‘reality’ of events that have led to our friend/loved one not being on the planet.

    I remember the 1st time I prayed after my brother’s funeral… it was bedtime prayers, of course, just me & the Bean. I was covering all the bases (meaning praying for family & extended family,) & I prayed for Johnny, Joel, & Ben… (their birth order btw…) It took about 10 seconds before I realized that I’d prayed for Johnny. And that he had died. And I knew it, & wasn’t in denial. But at that moment, I had thought, “I need to pray for him…”

    And I cried w/the Bean. Tears of grief. Loss. Sorrow. Loneliness. And I thought about my brother, & wondered if praying would ever be the same again…

    The numbness fades over time, but I don’t know if it ever goes away totally – maybe its a sorrow or the residue of missing someone. Or the part of our psyche that screams out, “NO!” & does everything possible to protect me from the pain of feeling.

    I wish more people who knew my brother, talked to me about my brother. Cause, Man, that is the best. My kids never met their Uncle, as he died in June 1990, & the Pasty Gangster didn’t enter the world until 9/1991. I wish they could have known him, because he was a piece of work. (The closest to his personality is #2 son, Prince Darrell – esp. when he doesn’t get his way…) So, I want to reminisce – look at videos, & ‘introduce’ my kids to him… Because then, his memory is carried on by more than just a picture.

    If a loved one or friend has died, keep talking about them. It helps.

    Walking with a friend as they bury their wife is hard… but it would be harder for them alone. Life’s too short to do that kind of thing by yourself. Let’s not go solo.

    goodbyes are hard…

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    Aaron & Michelle are moving home for the summer, but they’ll be back in late August just in time for Aaron to subject himself to 21 units at the U of N, & for Miss Michelle to jump in for the opening of the Fall semester of Little Lites. The fact that they’re coming back in a relatively short time (as short as the summers are in Reno,) should temper the loss… but it doesn’t, really. Because I know that when Aaron graduates, they’re moving. And goodbyes are hard…

    So how does one deal with goodbyes? Here’s a couple of my favorites…

  • Avoidance – Some avoid relationships all-together, & become virtual hermits… Bizarro-scoeyd could do that. Has done that. Didn’t work out either, thanks for asking.
  • Denial – pretending its not happening. Creating an artificial reality helps, where people only exist when they’re in your presence. It helps if one has lots of practice at living in their own little world, but it’s pretty tough to sustain this one. Other people keep it complicated.
  • Embracing – kinda like the moment at camp, when the Friends song gets broken out at the end. People claim to hate it, but I think it’s really their favorite part of camp – being able to get all teary & clingy – maybe it’s an artificial grieving, maybe it’s real, but I think it serves a purpose, for at least a segment of the population. Cause people are going to move away. Or die. Or get married. Or I will. (not the married part. Done that.)

    I know that there’s many other means of dealing with goodbyes, but Friends is almost over. I never intended to post this morning, but rather to just roll through my blogs & catch up with friends. So as I read back over it, I feel self-conscious, because there are many more eloquent ways to state what I’ve stated, & if I crafted for a while, I might even find one. But instead, I’m just pondering. And feeling a bit melancholy.

    And setting myself to be a person who lives well. Embraces life. And relationships. They make life so much richer & deeper, which is probably why it hurts so much when a relationship changes, even if its ‘just’ geographic. I’m thankful for you.

    I miss you Dabey… :)

    • weather…

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    It’s raining. And cold. And windy. When I went out today, I wore my jacket.

    On Monday, it was 98, & I wore shorts, flip-flops, & a t-shirt & I stillroasted.

    Who’d a thunk it?

    Reno is a funny place for weather… I never cease to be amazed. Maybe by the 4th of July things will even out.

    Or not.

    Happy Memorial Day weekend! Enjoy the lake. Your BBQ’s. Fun in the (invisible) sun. I know I will.

    One Day

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    I was thinking back over the last few years & the different people that have come into & subsequently gone out of my life. A lot of it has happened in, around, & through this thing called “church…” which is quite the microcosm of society & is one of the more bizarre Social Environments I have ever encountered…

    ..so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that when One Day, people that I thought I’d been close to, disappeared. I didn’t know if they were gone, gone, or if they were just on vacation. I bet that if people are looking to drop out or leave a church, doing it post-vacation would be the way it happens more often than not. After all, you’re already on the move, & your absence wouldn’t really be noticed until you were Out There.

    What runs through my head is: Are you supposed to call people that have gone M.I.A.? How long qualifies as MIA? How much time does one give between calls? Is it considered stalking or pressuring people to check in & ask them what’s up & where they’ve been?

    My thought is that what people do or don’t do for ‘church’ is up to them – & I don’t want to be the High Pressure guy that is in your grill trying to get you to justify why you haven’t been coming to church. Or (Gasp!) why you don’t go to this one anymore… But it would be nice to know what’s up – a short, “We’re going somewhere else. Thanks!” would be great. No drive-bys, no wondering “Whatever happened to…”

    ‘cos really, I want to know, but I don’t want to try to chase people down – if they wanted to communicate, wouldn’t they have initiated it? I don’t know. Weird.

    It’s pretty darn easy to be selfish – to focus on how other peoples’ behaviors are so bad, & how sad it makes us… but I really think that a lot of that has to do with how their behavior, choices, actions, etc. affect or reflect on us. We don’t want to be the guy with the friend that blew it, like somehow, the bad choice & the resulting consequences could be pinned on us, & somehow, someway end up taking us down a notch or 10 in the eyes & esteem of others. I can say its about them, but really, its probably about me.