musings on a Monday…

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Had a long weekend. 1st with the “Midsummer Nights Dream.” Then with a Saturday/Sunday trip to Fresno w/the fam to hang with the Chums… Made the trip in 4 1/2 hours both ways – 300 miles from doorstep to doorstep – lots of time driving, but not too draining.

MND – the play – was 3 hours long. Fortunately, we had arrived at the Lake around 2, hung in the sun, swam in the not-so-chilly waters, & ate all we could get our hands on… entered the amphitheatre around 5:30 p.m. & made our way to our seats – right in the front of the Lower Gallery. Nice. Good people watching time, coupled with great vino, cheese, & salamali (some call it ‘salami’ but hey, when Weezer made up the word “Salamali” it stuck as a staple at the house.)

It started right on time, & was set in the modern day, with Oberon & Puck (& the other fairies) represented by American Indian-themed characters. Very nice. It was hard not to hear Opie’s “Brother Elk” voice talking about diseased blankets, but overall a good time was had by all, & it was a great time with the family & friends. We received a small dose of culture. Don’t know if it will sink in.

Fresno was hot; imagine that. Our friends have a pool. I don’t think our kids got out of it. OK, Pasty did, but only to shower to get the chlorine smell off of him. Gotta love it.

We had good food, good conversation, & a good time with our friends – & with their church family on Sunday.

Looking back, I see I’ve known Chum for 17 years – & we’re still friends. Talk a couple times a week. Celebrate life’s joys. Cry together over the crud. Deep talks. Shallow stuff. Sci-fi. Movies & popcorn. The works. The more time passes, & the more I see/experience what passes for faithful friendship, the more I appreciate him… Integrity. Maturity. Faithfulness. Grace. Forgiveness. Perseverance. And he’s still my friend after all these years, which says something.

The Dark Knight is on my list of things to do this week. Now I just need to find a couple of free hours & some buttered popcorn goodness.

GSR has a special right now: $7.77 for a stay in the hotel any Sun-Wed between July 1 & 31. What? No info on their website, but if you call, you can get the rate. They even advertised it to us Locals via a postcard.

The political doublespeak that accompanies the presidential election is in full swing. Hearing ‘stated truth’ presented to one group of people, while at the same time “ground-level truth” is given to a ‘group of insiders’ is pretty nauseating. Guess that’s why I never wanted to get into politics… or something like that.

Softball game tonight at the Golden Eagle fields – at 10p.m. How is this a good idea?

I’ll let you know…

a great summer night…

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At long last… the day has arrived. Or will. Tomorrow. The Bean & I, along with our fam & some great friends, are off to Sand Harbor for the day – sand, cold water, sun, lounging. A cooler full of refreshments. A book or 10. Ahhhh.

As if that wasn’t enough, about 5:30, we’ll meander over to the Pseudo-amphitheatre to take our seats… for the Shakespeare festival… we’re going to be seeing “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” The play starts around 7:30. It’s supposed to be a full-moon. We’re bringing the salami, cheese, & vino.

Can’t wait.

Boundaries In Marriage, #3

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Boundaries are misunderstood – as though they are some sort of special ‘fix-all’ that are applied to ‘other people’ to magically change another person’s behaviors or to modify their actions.

That’s not setting boundaries – that’s try to control others… Boundaries are set on ourselves. Boundaries are about self-control. Learning to self-regulate, & take responsibility for me, my own wants, desires, choices, & actions.

Boundaries are about truth – me being truthful with myself, & with others with the choices I make; what I will do & won’t do. It might be easier to blame others for our internal dissatisfaction, &/or the situation that we’ve found ourselves in, as connected to them, but in reality, our life situation is largely (not totally – as I’m wanting to avoid blanket statements :) due to what we’ve allowed/tolerated/gone along with because of our people pleasing issues. Or our desire to avoid conflict.

Creating & applying boundaries is taking responsibility for myself in the context of relationship with others. It’s making consistent choices to affect personal change so as not to continually place myself in a hurtful, damaging, controlling situation.

Boundaries are not withdrawal from relationship either:

Boundaries are only built & established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the 1st step of boundaries is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against developing boundaries with another person. The only place boundaries are real is in relationship with another person.

So, every relationship is affected by the boundaries I set, because the boundaries I set have to do with me. And that’s a great place to start affecting change…
To be continued…

Drive-bys…

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Plucky’s Pixie Post reminded me of a ‘drive-by’ funkiness that I experienced not too long ago.

A guy, in Christian leadership, that I see about 4 times a year came up to me after one of the events that we both happened to be attending. All of my lifetime interactions with this individual had been at most benign, at best innocuous.

He told me that he needed to talk to me. As we were the last two people in the room, I thought that where we were was as good a spot as any – & couldn’t for the life of me figure out what would prompt this private conversation.

He started the conversation with, “I just want you to know that I have had a problem with you for a long time, & that I’m letting it go. I forgive you.”

Me: “Hmm. Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “Ummm… I don’t want to talk about it. I just forgive you, ok?”

Me: “Not ok. You came over to say you ‘forgive me’ & won’t even tell me what I supposedly have done. That’s hippy BS.” (Note: scoey’s filters are down…)

Him: “Well, goodbye.”

Me: “What the heck?”

The whole interchange left me scratching my head:

  • what just happened?
  • what was he saying?
  • what is going on here?
  • how in any world is dropping a random, unsolicited, uncommunicated “I forgive you” on another person, (in Jesus name, of course?)

    So – a drive-by. Hits you when you least expect it. No rhyme or reason. Like someone dumping a load of trash on your property, as though to say, “It’s your problem now…”

    Sigh.

    • Boundaries In Marriage, #2

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    A few things happened in a pretty short period of time that exposed & uncovered thoughts, beliefs, & mindsets – maybe that I’d not articulated before – or ever owned up to.

    What came up were thoughts about what it means to be ‘nice’ – be a ‘good Christian’ – to ‘respect & honor’ others…

    The lie that was exposed (ala theophostic before I knew what theophostic was)

    to say “no” to someone, even if I really wanted to, is un-Christian

    Think about that.

    It will pop up with total strangers, door-to-door religion salesmen, close friends, extended & nuclear family… & it centers on living for the approval of others (&/or for the absence of real/perceived conflict) while violating (sinning against) myself.

    Functioning with few/no boundaries is like having no fence in the yard around my property. And then having friends, neighbors, strangers, consistently utilize our area, our yard, our driveway to park their cars, clutter, garbage, dog poop in my space… And to say anything about it, to say, this isn’t ok, is to be thought of, in reality or in our own minds as being “not nice.” Selfish. Un-Christian.

    SIDE NOTE: This can end up sounding a lot like a series of “Sabbath” posts. That’s ok – as drawing a line (boundary), saying Yes & No congruently with our heart, embracing limits – is a bit of what goes into the Sabbath, & what I know in retrospect that God used these experiences to kick start the response in me to the leading of the Holy Spirit – & His reminders about entering His Rest.

    A part of boundaries is knowing me – really knowing who I am; my identity, personality, strengths & weaknesses; what I want – my hopes, dreams, & desires – & what I don’t – meaninglessness, loneliness, lack of fulfillment… It’s knowing & choosing to live for God’s purpose in & for my life. Boundaries reminded me that I’m accountable for how I ‘steward’ – utilize – the time I’m given; this means living with purpose & determination, even in seemingly small things.

    I can’t do everything – I can’t please everyone – I can understand that I have limits. And embrace them – not as a character flaw but as a part of being human.

    Because if I don’t live this way, someone else will come up with a purpose or plan for me – maybe not intentionally destructive – something that uses me for their purpose or plan. If/when this is happening enough, the resulting chaos, self-loathing, relational conflicts, & discouragement are deadly to self & to close relationships.

    So, the question: How can I have, nurture, maintain my relationship with my wife & close friends if I’m consistently not honoring myself or those relationships because I either won’t establish any clear boundaries, or won’t ‘enforce them?’ Is my marriage worth prioritizing as the primary relationship on the planet? For me, yes. And, it takes two to tango…:)

    More to come…

    Boundaries In Marriage, #1

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    A few years ago, (ok, now that I think about it, its more than a few. About…7? 8?) I came across a book that eventually ended up transforming my life & my marriage – it was Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend (which sounds like a great name for a ’60s folk group. But I digress…) Its one of the reasons that me & the Bean are probably going to lead a small group this Fall 2008 semester called “Boundaries In Marriage.” (I ripped off the title from another book. But that’s for later.)

    The high point for me was that it articulated very clearly & concisely something key for enjoying life in its fullness: we need to be able to say “Yes” & “No” – in a way that our outward declarations jive with our inner values, thoughts, feelings, emotions, & to me the most important – our relationships with the people closest to us. That a lot of us struggle with ‘people pleasing’ & end up functioning in an incongruent way – we are saying Yes to stuff we really want to say No to. And vice-versa. Because we want the approval of the one we’re speaking to. Or something like that. We’re afraid of being rejected. Minimized. Thought to be inferior in some way. Mocked. Derided. You get the idea.

    I’m going to blog about this in the context of marriage, but please don’t check out on me if you’re single – the concept applies across the board for close friendships/relationships. One of the biggest issues that this exposed was the very common choice in marriage relationships for one person in the relationship to choose to say “yes” to a person not in the immediate relationship to avoid conflict (or any of the above negatives,) knowing full well that it means that the person they’re married to will have to bear the brunt of their decision. In effect, they will ‘choose’ to fight it out with their spouse etc. rather that with the person of lesser status (meaning that the spouse takes #1 spot in life. Or should.) They ‘prefer’ the person that is not the spouse over the spouse. Which stinketh, because the whole ‘leave & cleave’ part of the marriage vows have to do with the ‘preference’ of spouse relationship over all others – not rejecting other relationships, but recognizing that if we’re marrying, this relationship takes preeminence over the rest.

    Hope you’re still with me – I’d never heard of Boundaries before, but I understood the concept – believing that we all need/have a set of life-guiding values that help us know what to say “Yes” & “No” to. And why. Maybe not everyone has these. The values help us to not be tossed to & fro by someone else’s ‘vision’ for our life – no matter how influential or significant the role they play (or want to play) in our life. Or have played in the past. Seems it usually pops up with extended family (parents, siblings, & others of that ilk) & close friends, but it sometimes happens elsewhere…

    This isn’t a unique issue that only a few ‘weak’ people struggle with; from my experience in pre/post marriage counseling, the area of ‘preference of spouse’ & knowing, establishing, & maintaining healthy boundaries is a major, major issue for a lot of couples. And if it isn’t for one spouse, it often is for the other. Which means its a problem for both. (Kind of along the lines of “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Or something like that.)

    Why did it change my life/marriage? I’ll get there. It’s dinner time – & I’ll pick up my ramblings when I get a chance. Ciao!

    What goes around…

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    Mr H’s post sums up my last 24 hours as well. It seems that there is a bug on the loose, & it stopped to chill with me for a bit. In retrospect, I look back to a rough Friday & Saturday night as well, & see that they were just a hint of what was to come. (I’ll leave the gory details to Dave to tell. But I will say that I feel his pain.)

    I know that Brother was battling on Sunday. Heard about Mr H. Matty. Now Aric. You get the theme… Makes me wonder… were there any adult women that got this bug? So far, all I’ve seen, heard, & experienced has been the men suffering, with the weemuns bravely soldiering on, caring for self, spouse, & family, with the wind blowing in their angelic, nay, saintly hair. Or something like that.

    I’m sure that woman aren’t immune to this bug, but my completely unscientific splanation is that I should wash me hands more. With soap even. 30 seconds. Maybe more.

    Milestone…

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    This a.m., my daughter, the Weez, the youngest child, the only girl, the character actress, the songster, the Princess Buttercup… is off to Jr High Camp… as a camper. Sigh…

    Time flies.

    Independence & Freedom…

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    Maybe its the reading of historical documents (that’s a Galaxy Quest shout out for the uninitiated. If you haven’t seen it, if you don’t yet own it, I heartily recommend that you rectify that ASAP…) that has prompted this train of thought…

    I’ve been pondering the quest for “Independence” & what it means, especially in comparison to the concept of “Freedom” discussed in the Bible, esp. in the book of Galatians. (WARNING: This is a plug for a book. I’d recommend you pick up Traveling Light. I have a couple of extra copies if you’d like to borrow one. And discuss it :).)

    It seems with both “independence” & “freedom” there is an understanding, albeit a misguided one, that to be independent & to be free means to cast off all boundaries, restraints, government, authority, & responsibility towards… kinda like the Soup Dragons & their lyrical declaration:

    I’m free, to do what I want, any old time…

    This thought process came up yesterday while I was sitting with the fam watching Hancock. The theatre was 1/3 full, but the noise during the movie was incredible. I’m not talking about the responses to the movie; I’m speaking of people on their cellphones – talking out loud. The steady stream of “you just got a text” phone beeps. The three crying baby/toddlers whose parents wouldn’t take them out of the theatre to ‘hug it out’. And why is all this ok? One person’s response to a request to please keep it down: “It’s a free country!”

    The John Adams book has given me a pretty vivid picture of a man who, for the desire to be able to govern himself (& for the people of his state/country to be able to do the same,) spent parts/most of 10 years of his life separated from his wife & children – living in often hostile European nations attempting to negotiate with foreign governments for the right to be free. To self-govern. A sacrifice that he was repaid for with scorn, slander, libel, & public mockery… All so we could live in a ‘free country.’

    Independence & freedom don’t relieve us of responsibility toward or for our interactions with other people – it actually reminds us that we ARE connected to others. And that our decisions & choices have consequences for us & for others, consequences that the “independent” & “free” have to think through, because to be truly free, we need to freely exercise self-control, self-restraint instead of majoring in self-indulgence & selfishness. Otherwise, its not independence or freedom we experience – it’s people insisting on their own rights to the violation of others. It’s people pushing their own agendas, without regard for how what they want will affect others…It’s living as virtual children, focused only on our own desires for immediate gratification, & not understanding why anyone else has an issue with it…

    Happy Independence Day.