Tag Archives: The Machine

10:10b

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It had always been the “life in all its fullness” that tripped me up… the examination of my life circumstances seemed to be everything but a full life. Unless it meant a life full of busyness, a packed schedule, constant doing & going – I had a full plate, but not a full life. I didn’t desire to take stock of my life because I knew that I didn’t like it already, & revisiting that fact to ‘revel’ in that wasn’t appetizing, anymore than a root canal would be a fun way to spend a couple of hours in the afternoon. Reviewing my life? Why? To be reminded that something that Jesus promised to give me wasn’t evident in my life? That somehow something that was to be given to me had somehow been missed out on…?

Maybe I was trying to earn it. Show myself to be worthy. Not necessarily in a competition with another, but more in a competition of worthiness with me – late in the evening, long after all had gone to sleep, I was still stewing, & it was then that it would come to torment me, like an unseen mosquito in the dark room –

You should be doing better.
You’re missing something – what is it? If you were trying harder, you’d get it…
If you were different, you’d be getting it instead of chasing it.
You’re failing.
It’s pointless. Give up.

There were a lot of givens that I had accepted at face value, things that I’d picked up from a life inside The Machine…through observation & experience… others didn’t seem to be living a full life either. A real life. Something enjoyable, regardless of life circumstances. Like living for Jesus was something that we’d told ourselves was the best life there was, all the while living a drastically different reality. Hollow & empty. Spent like a tube of toothpaste that has been squeezed out until there’s absolutely nothing left to get from it. That’s how life felt. The duplicity of it haunted me. Nauseated me. Challenged me. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? This should not be so.

I went to a conference for vocational ministers & someone quoted Eugene Peterson to the crowd – something about how the words “BUSY” & “PASTOR” should never be used together – & how a “busy life” is a travesty… It went over my head – inside I scoffed. Busy was success – it meant doing lots of things, & the more things that a pastor did, the stronger he was. The better he was. The more effective he was. Only those who “couldn’t handle so much” weren’t busy. The weak ones. The ones that hadn’t learned effective multi-tasking.

Arrogance. Without life. Pain & hurt, more hurt than I’d want to admit. Emptiness. Anger at being ripped off, holding title to worthlessness, refusing to give in, refusing to give up.

And still, the hope of life in all of its fullness kept me going…

And a note about ‘community…’

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It’s a common & current topic at our staff table…

Next to Jesus, God and relevant, “community” is the most popular Christian word. The challenge though is it’s a lot easier to say than it is to build. If creating one was as easy as renting a blow up jumping toy for kids and offering a financial planning class for parents, then 50 churches wouldn’t close permanently every week. But it’s a challenge and here’s why:

People can tell when you’re trying to force a community to develop. Our radar to marketing is so sharp these days…

MORE ON Community

I love the “holding sand” analogy…

Enjoy.

Interesting Reading…

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Just got home from my Deutsch tutoring session & I’m watching the end of the KU/Memphis game. Trying to kill multiple birds with the same stone, using my time wisely, i decided to take care of some ‘home-work’ reading for my Day Job – the PROPOSED REVISED BYLAWS.

The title of this post is a just a bit of a stretch… ok, unless you read the fine print ‘NOTIFICATIONS’ section in the newspaper, you’d probably want to listen to Air Supply’s greatest hits over, and over, and over, and over… instead of having to read through.

I gotta admit, I doubt that there’s any of you that reads my blog that actually cares about the aforementioned bylaws… but, hey, this is where I process…

I’m left wondering why all of the additions to the bylaws bug me the way they do… not the kind of bugging that happens when something new is happening, requiring change. Rather it bugs me because it appears to be illustrative of a fundamental & foundational shift in the ‘larger church organization’ that I have been a part of for the last 24 years; a shift that I am having a very difficult time understanding or identifying with.

Hmmm…

Processing pain… from a distance.

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Some dear friends of mine are in pain. Not the kind of pain that you know will fade with time, the kind where their bodies’ healing process kicks in, taking the often slow but still rather dependable journey to some semblance of health. No, this is a pain w/o a promise of healing.

They’ve experienced a violation from a close relationship, a trusted friend, the kind that shakes your faith in any humanity, & causes you to look at every area of life, every other relationship more closely… to subject others to examinations & questionings that seem so inappropriate, so untrusting to even think of friends this way… except for the fact that the violation happened. From a close friend, a trusted associate. One with whom sweet fellowship has been shared… They keep waiting to hit bottom, to finally come to the end of the Painful Revelations, where the depth & breadth & scope of the violations could finally be processed or at least assessed, instead of tensing up the gut, waiting for the next punch of disappointment to hit.

(BTW: please, please don’t get lost in the sweet fellowship comment. Think of it in the very best way you can, w/o the cynicism & jaded-ness. Thanks for that.)

Though I’m at a distance, their pain is mine as well. I’m trying to walk through this & to help them too. To point them to One that doesn’t disappoint. To remind ourselves of Easter & the ramifications of it. To look inward & ask the Spirit of God to explore the depths of my soul, every nook & cranny, exposing the things that lie in wait to wreak havoc. My prayer is:

Search me Father – know my heart. Try me, know my mind. If there be any wicked way in me, pull me to the Rock everlasting.

update…

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  • After further contemplating the contemplation post, Ben has decided to grace theMoses & I with his presence at the Abbey in April. Good times. Thanks for playing along Ben… we’ll be growing. Even the Bean is looking forward to me going. (Is there a theme here that I should be paying attention to?)

  • When it rains, it pours – the last 10 days have been gnarly in the news they’ve brought – & not Gnarly like the snowboarders throw it around, but gnarly like when I was a kid waaaaayyy back in the 80s… a recurring theme: friends & the burning out & falling apart, brought about by the Machine’s chewing up & spitting out…

  • Dancing? True – the Pasty Gangster went to the JA Dance last Saturday. With a real girl. And danced. We had to go to the place they ate dinner because ALL the parents were going to be overbearing micromanagers of their offspring’s attempts to hang with friends & real dates, (did I just say that out loud?) Errrr… What I meant is that all the parents went so that they could commemorate the stellar event through pictures. Very nice. Pasty cleans up well. The girl he took has a dad that snapped all the ‘formal’ pictures. He took 250 pictures in 20 minutes. That is truly awe-inspiring.

  • I wrote an article that ended up in our denominations quarterly publication… HERE. After seeing the finished (& edited) product for the first time since I sent it off to the editor, I initially had a difficult time determining if I’d really written it, as the word-processor of the editor seems to have been very active, sharp as a two-edged sword, dividing between… you get the idea. I’m not complaining – just really surprised at how different it looks :0

  • NEWSFLASH: Jesus was Jewish. And in the 1st century, lived in a Jewish culture, among Jewish people. And Jesus’ ministry, outlook, & actions are full of Jewish history, references, & information that can’t be separated from that Jewish context. (It’s true.)

  • Youtube means that anyone can be a Live Action Preacher Hero on the Internet TeeVee. Like this guy.

    • measuring…

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    I can still hear the voice ringing in my ears…

    Do you still read your Bible? How much do you read your Bible? How often? Do you have many memory verses committed to memory? Which ones? Will you recite them for me now? Do you think you’ll have more memorized next week? Are you consistent with your devotions? What time of the day/afternoon/night do you do your devotions? When you do your devotions, how long do you spend on them? Do you pray? What do you pray about? When do you pray? How much do you pray? Aarrrgggghhhh!


    What do these questions have to do with faith in Christ? Are they meant to evaluate the depth & breadth of belief? Can my answers to these questions (& myriad others like them) be plugged into a formula somewhere to determine whether or not my faith is valid? How does this help to uncover a life dedicated to loving God & loving people?

    What it did to me – made me believe that God’s love for me was based on the amount of time I spent in these activities… rather than on the reason I was doing them in the first place – love for God. Made me wonder if I’d done enough. And then if I’d done it right. Made me measure myself against others – & their faith (based upon their own measurements…) As though. As if. When I had difficulties, I read more. Prayed more. Devoted more. All in the hope that it would make God happy enough to answer my prayer & deliver me from… what turned out to be me. A religious person. A self-righteous person. I knew the words, & often exactly the address where they were located in the book.. but I was miserable, & there was little to no evidence of a “life in its fullness…”

    Sigh.

    Thursday musings…

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    This has been a whirlwind of a week – starting off with a Christmas party Friday (during which I barfed up my dinner… sorry, no pictures) then Saturday’s worship team practice & 3/4’s of a work day, then to Sunday’s triple duty of worship, Learning Community, & Speeching; followed by packing up the gear & the fam & heading off to the happiest (merriest?) place in the world… Disneyland for a couple 18 hour days of fun @ both parks. A good time was had by all, especially at the fireworks display of 12/18, but the rush home to beat the storm (which we barely did) meant leaving at 7 a.m. 12/19. I’m still trying to catch my breath – & am greatly looking forward to Friday’s “Rest day lived for the sake of living.”

    Something is wrong. I know it, can tangibly feel it, & think that I can even identify it. Yet I don’t know that there’s anything for me to actually DO about what’s wrong… at least that I know of. Might be that I’m a bit delusional. Or hardening. Definitely sorrowful. A bit weepy. Christmastime exacerbates it. Cryptic, I know, however…

    On that note, something that popped up while in Deutschland in November – I was encouraged by several close friends to speak out what I am thinking; to stop leaving so much unsaid. BTW: or those of you that are right now contemplating a world where I talk MORE, not less, & wishing, hoping you will be far, far away from that world, sorry ’bout it. SIU. Suck it up.

    I don’t know or believe that this means all of my filters get removed, (now I’m scared.) But I do think that only about 5-10% of what I’m thinking (conversation, speeching, family interactions, friendships, work stuff, etc.) actually gets verbalized. I’ve started to speak it out & so far, so good. At least for me. I can’t say that others are equally as thrilled with the New Me as it has appeared in a Conversation Near You, but it’s real. Authentic. Truth in love-ish (to the best that I can.) And yes, I’ve had to ask forgiveness a couple of times too – but haven’t regretted it yet.

    Wish I would have bought the new Mickey Mouse watch. I’ve had mine on the left wrist for 13 years (save for the occasional bath/shower) & it has seen better days. Not currently running, but I am still wearing it. It is a reminder of one of the worst days I’ve ever had, as a man, a husband, & as a father. And also of the grace shown to me by my wife, the one who purchased it for me for our 5th anniversary (7/1/1989) on a day when I abandoned her in Disneyland with a 3 year old in a stroller, while she was several months pregnant with baby #2. All in the name of trying to be a good youth pastor, supervising students in the Park while my wife was left flying solo. Fortunately, a couple in our church, 15-20 years my senior, & also on the trip, were watching out for her & helped her with my son. I make myself sick even with the memory of it. I can’t believe I did that. All in the name of The Job for the Machine. And selfishness. What a tool am I. And she bought me a watch to say she loved me anyway.

    Reminds me of the depth of depravity of my soul. Sigh.

    Fodder for a Monday…

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    Taking the Pasty Gangster to school this a.m. we were doing what we always do – listen to the pontifications of Colin Cowherd on ESPN 630. A topic that comes up occasionally on his talk show is his distaste for religion, esp. as expressed by tele-evangelists who are “just after your money” in any way they can get it… He brought up the interview that Good Morning America did with Joel Osteen, & Pasty & I prepared for a diatribe… A diatribe that didn’t come…

    What did this self-described “completely unreligious” guy have to say about Osteen? He’s positive. He seems authentic. He keeps the message simple. He seems to believe it. He’s doesn’t hammer on others that don’t do it like he does. He isn’t a “religious zealot.”

    Interesting to me – I know that Pastor Osteen takes a lot of heat from the “Christian world” – esp. with the statements that he is just doing “Christianity Lite” at best, “heresy” at worst.

    Here’s a couple of articles that have been in the news of fairly recently…

    ABC News Article on Joel Osteen… and another GMA