Thursday musings…

This has been a whirlwind of a week – starting off with a Christmas party Friday (during which I barfed up my dinner… sorry, no pictures) then Saturday’s worship team practice & 3/4’s of a work day, then to Sunday’s triple duty of worship, Learning Community, & Speeching; followed by packing up the gear & the fam & heading off to the happiest (merriest?) place in the world… Disneyland for a couple 18 hour days of fun @ both parks. A good time was had by all, especially at the fireworks display of 12/18, but the rush home to beat the storm (which we barely did) meant leaving at 7 a.m. 12/19. I’m still trying to catch my breath – & am greatly looking forward to Friday’s “Rest day lived for the sake of living.”

Something is wrong. I know it, can tangibly feel it, & think that I can even identify it. Yet I don’t know that there’s anything for me to actually DO about what’s wrong… at least that I know of. Might be that I’m a bit delusional. Or hardening. Definitely sorrowful. A bit weepy. Christmastime exacerbates it. Cryptic, I know, however…

On that note, something that popped up while in Deutschland in November – I was encouraged by several close friends to speak out what I am thinking; to stop leaving so much unsaid. BTW: or those of you that are right now contemplating a world where I talk MORE, not less, & wishing, hoping you will be far, far away from that world, sorry ’bout it. SIU. Suck it up.

I don’t know or believe that this means all of my filters get removed, (now I’m scared.) But I do think that only about 5-10% of what I’m thinking (conversation, speeching, family interactions, friendships, work stuff, etc.) actually gets verbalized. I’ve started to speak it out & so far, so good. At least for me. I can’t say that others are equally as thrilled with the New Me as it has appeared in a Conversation Near You, but it’s real. Authentic. Truth in love-ish (to the best that I can.) And yes, I’ve had to ask forgiveness a couple of times too – but haven’t regretted it yet.

Wish I would have bought the new Mickey Mouse watch. I’ve had mine on the left wrist for 13 years (save for the occasional bath/shower) & it has seen better days. Not currently running, but I am still wearing it. It is a reminder of one of the worst days I’ve ever had, as a man, a husband, & as a father. And also of the grace shown to me by my wife, the one who purchased it for me for our 5th anniversary (7/1/1989) on a day when I abandoned her in Disneyland with a 3 year old in a stroller, while she was several months pregnant with baby #2. All in the name of trying to be a good youth pastor, supervising students in the Park while my wife was left flying solo. Fortunately, a couple in our church, 15-20 years my senior, & also on the trip, were watching out for her & helped her with my son. I make myself sick even with the memory of it. I can’t believe I did that. All in the name of The Job for the Machine. And selfishness. What a tool am I. And she bought me a watch to say she loved me anyway.

Reminds me of the depth of depravity of my soul. Sigh.

5 thoughts on “Thursday musings…

  1. Have you considered that we love you BECAUSE you are a tool? My toolishness relates to your toolishness . . . and I like it . . . Besides, I prefer real tools to phony tools . . .

    The truth is, you’re not a tool . . . just a boy figuring it out on the fly like the rest of us . . . Welcome home!

  2. i still remember johannes telling somebody they were a tool in germany. of course he further explained that he was talking about a “tool of Christ”. slang is fun when non-native english speakers speak sometimes.

  3. tpt- thanks for that

    brintus- ah, yes. And who can forget the “Douche of Happiness?”

  4. I bet you would’ve spent a majority of the Disneyland trip away from Joni simply because of the amount of time you spend in the bathroom.

    I know this from experience.

  5. dabey- true, or at least partially true. I have a bladder the size of a walnut. 1/2 a walnut.

    Still, I shouldn’t have bailed…

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