Tag Archives: Relationships

Saturday & Sunday

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Saturday was largely a driving around day – drove to Floyd & borrowed some internet to post the “Friday & Floyd”. Then headed out to the Blue Ridge Parkway to drive the beautiful Blue Ridge Hills, & also to check out a couple of the viewpoints that the locals love so much. On our drive, we visited the Villa Appalaccia Winery, & also the Chateau Morrisette. The “Villa” is set in the Blue Ridge Hills like an Italian Villa – very beautiful, the kind of place that theBean thought would be a great place to visit for a picnic lunch, complete with the gingham patterned tablecloth to sit on. Incredible views, & a small, cozy, family type atmosphere, where they grow all their own grapes (a rarity) & work the vineyards themselves.



The Chateau was the opposite of the Villa – & is the biggest wine producer in Virginia (180,000 gallons/year.) They import from Oregon & California, & have a tour, a tasting, & a 4-star restaurant to go with it (which we didn’t eat at.) It was a tourist attraction :), & it was fun to see – ran into people from Massachusetts, Ohio, & Maryland on the tour (the New Clairvaux tour was better…) We enjoyed going at a snail’s pace, both on the tour, & on the drive home. We ended up with some breathtaking postcard-like pictures, & also a sense of accomplishment at finding just what it was we were looking for on the drive, even though there were NO identification signs anywhere…

There are a lot of difficult things about being gone from home – the hardest is being away from our kids – they are troopers & for the most part can navigate through just about any & every situation, but it is still really heartbreaking being separated, even for this short 10 day time period – it is hardest when they’re in a point of need: when Pasty gets hurt at football practice & needs some bandaging up; when Joey needs a bit of directional attention; when Weez wants to celebrate her undefeated soccer team. Knowing that we have to (get to?) be here for this time makes it easier for me, but not so much for theBean… or for the kids. Sigh.

Sunday – we got up & went to church at The Bridge a Foursquare Church located on the Crosspointe Campus…. It made me miss being home more than ever; theBean & I talked quite a bit about this… esp. how church really is about people – the people that we know & have relationships with… real friendships that have gone through the wringer of pain, hurt, grace, & healing together. People that we love. Can’t wait to get home :).

We were feeling a bit melancholy, missing the kids & missing our church family, so we went to Blacksburg for wings & Starbucks… found the “best wings in town” at a place called Sharkey’s. Not sure if they’re THE best, but they kick butt on Buffalo Wild Wings, & they had a great patio where we got to sit so we didn’t have to watch the Olympics. :)

Spent an hour or so walking downtown Blacksburg, definitely our favorite spot of all the favorite spots, & camped for a bit at the Kent Square Starbucks – theBean took a few more pictures of the Square & its outdoor seating area…


Thanks for your prayers – we really need them.

We’re going “low-key” tonight – do the laundry & the dishes, vacuum, & maybe watch a little TV. We’ll hang around the campus – I might shoot some hoop later on.

Friday & Floyd…

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We’ve been smitten with intermittent internet – which of course means that when I want to get on & check for pictures of Weezer’s soccer game, or set my fantasy baseball lineup, or check out the Blue Ridge Highway vineyards, it’s not available. Usually, it’s only dysfunctional for about 2 hours at a time, but today we’ve been experiencing a higher level of unavailability. Sigh.

NOTE: I ended up posting this on our way to the Villa Appalachia Winery – found some free internet advertised, & borrowed it for 10 minutes. Thanks, Al Gore.

Yesterday, we took the afternoon to head the 22 miles on 8S to go to Floyd, Virginia. Floyd only has 1 stoplight, but it is quite the Mecca for music & the arts – the entire downtown (all 3 blocks) is set up for street musicians – with little brick cul-de-sacs & benches set up for visitors & locals to wander by & listen. In our 20 minute walk, we came upon 3 separate art galleries, where many local artists have their work displayed. Sculptures, photographs, paintings, & drawings.

All of the businesses we visited, from the coffee house/bookstore combo (The Black Water) to the Oddfella’s – restaurant offering French cuisine with an Appalachian flavor – there were musicians playing – some from Floyd, but many who were driving in from as far as 100 miles away for the Friday night happenings.

The main ‘event’ in town, the one that Floyd is famous for happens at the Floyd Country Store, & is called the Friday night Jamboree. People started showing up for the 6:30 event at 3:30; fortunately, theBean & I were able to get a helpful running commentary from the regulars – a group of very welcoming, friendly people, who explained in detail what was going on to us & the other 1st timers.

From 5:30 on, the Floyd Country Store shuts down the back ½ of the store, & sets up a dance floor around a mini-stage. There’s also about 200 chairs around the dance floor – we made our way to our seats about 20 minutes early & it’s a good thing, as the whole room was filled. At 6:30, the STATEMENTS (a band made up of 4, 16-22 year olds) led off the evening with the customary 1 hour of blue-grass gospel music, which people can sing along to, but that no one gets up & dances to. The songs ranged from “I’ll Fly Away” to “Amazing Grace,” & there were lots of songs about heaven & what comes next. Before you start bemoaning the experience that we ‘got’ to sit through, let me tell you: it was one of the most incredible musical performances I’ve witnessed personally. There was phenomenal flatpicking on the acoustic guitar, mandolin & banjo. Guys growing up in other places in the US might hope to become guitar heroes. Here, in the Appalachians, they aspire to master the banjo. And as hokie as you might think that sounds, it was really impressive to watch, & a privilege to be a part of. Wow!

After an hour of gospel, band change – 2Old, 2Young – 2 old guys, 2 young guys. I was informed that this was “the dance band,” made up of violin (fiddle) stand up bass, guitar, & 5 string banjo. This is when the dancing started – the clogging & flat-footing. It is accentuated by the noise made by the taps on the bottoms of shoes. Incredible, with an occasional square dance thrown in.

It was fun for me, knowing the history & a bit of background about those that settled in the Appalachians: largely Irish & Scottish immigrants. It was easy to hear the influence of ‘Celtic’ music in the bluegrass; then, watching the clogging/flat-footing, you can see the similarities with Irish step-dancing. People of all ages, 3 to 90, danced solo, danced with partners, danced in 4somes. They danced with their arms by the sides, & the guys often had their hands in their pockets. Really, a sight to behold.

We hung out for a couple of hours, then went for a walk in the rain – back to our car. I had something in my right eye that turned it blood red (no, don’t think it was peroxide. This time.) So we went home to watch the Olympics.

Every day, including Friday, we’ve spent a chunk of time in counseling, talking through & about how we communicate. I think that we’re both seeing that we are growing from even where we were 1 year ago. And we’re understanding each other. It helps to get an evaluation from someone like Chuck too – someone that knows us & has for years. He encouraged us that we’re doing really well in how we’re working through our stuff – as people, as a couple, & as a team. For me, I want to grow… to know & love God more… to know & be known by others; to love people.

We have talked about church as well – in general, & with some specifics (which is fun, because Chuck knows our local context, Hillside, too.) And to hear his observations about us & Hillside… that we’re following a ‘simple call’ to a “long obedience in the same direction.” I thought that was cool, as that’s the book I’ve been revisiting this week, & have recommended to about 4 people in the last month – & to have him use that as his analogy, & to have him recommend it to both of us to read was a point of encouragement & confirmation that we’re on a good track, albeit one that is different than many; a unique journey, one where’s there’s not many footsteps of others to follow or to walk in.

And that’s ok.





Day 3

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Started the morning with some link sausage & eggs, covered with whipped cream. Either my taste buds are wacky now, or I’ve discovered one of those little joys of how certain foods go well together, even when they may not be usually paired together. Went to my 1st solo appointment with Chuck – hit the ground running (ok, talking) & really enjoyed the conversation… it really was a time of ‘connecting the dots’ for me – esp. in light of the EHS materials that I’ve been going over for the last while.

Finished up & had to process – lots of processing – lucky for me, the gym was open, so I went in & ran around for about an hour, shot some hoop, & checked out the ‘weight room;’ decided “No Thanks!” on the weights & shot some more. It was sweltering in the gym – which is almost the perfect atmosphere for what I was doing.

After getting cleaned up, theBean & I went to WalMart to return some defective hair product, then headed back to our favorite spot that we’ve discovered so far: the Starbucks @ Kent Square. TheBean picked up a magazine or two from the VTU student union building, & I dove back into A Long Obedience… We hung out outside until our parking stub had to be re-validated.

By that time, we were pretty hungry; & I was craving wings – & thought that I’d seen an ad for a Buffalo Wild Wings somewhere in Blacksburg. We didn’t know for sure, but were both feeling pretty adventurous – & decided to try & deduce where a Buffalo Wild Wings SHOULD be, & then go find it. We both agreed that the best place for such a business would be in close proximity to the campus in order to take advantage of the ‘locusts’ – kinda like you see around the UNR campus.

So, we had a plan, & a general idea, & started driving. Did a couple of switchbacks & U-Turns, & found a street that looked promising – boom. There it is. Total search time: 10 minutes. Nice. We are awesome.

The first night, we’d gone to Salem to catch a Carolina League, “High” Class A baseball game; tonight we wanted to try something different, a trip to Pulaski for a Rookie League game. Drove about 20 minutes to the I-81 exit, & then drove through town, looking for the park where the game would be held. It was only 6 p.m. but the streets were totally barren, like everyone had been raptured but us. Nothing & no one anywhere. We drove for about 30 minutes looking for the park, driving up & down insanely steep hills, through neighborhoods that made me wish I warn’t so ‘city-fied’. Finally, we found a service station, & a nice guy named Doug that pointed us in the direction of the park. Took 5 minutes to get there.

All I can say is that Calfree Park, home of the Pulaski Mariners, is as far from the Salem experience we had, as is the east from the west. Wow. For theBean, who loves people watching, we entered a gold mine. It was “Halloween In August” night at the game, which meant lots of people dressed up in all sorts of costumes, with a Mayberry flair (& I mean that in a good way.) Other highlights from the night:

  • There was 6 feet difference between the general admission seats & the box seats.
  • One of the “Reserved Box Seats” was called the “No Red Sox” Box. No fans of the Sox were allowed inside it.
  • The ball game seemed to be a social highlight, so there was all kinds of strutting going on, from the teen girl squad, to the pseudo-jock crowd, to the good old boys, to the ‘looking back at the glory days’ group – pretty amazing. (Again, a gold mine.)
  • The announcer (& press box crew) took every opportunity to show off their ability to use technology (sound effects, including some from movies, & music) to poke fun at the other team – the Bluefield Orioles. For example, one of the guys (the oldest players are 21 & 22; some are 17 & 18) had a Giambi-like mustache; whenever he came to the plate, the announcer would play the Magnum PI theme song. Priceless. And for a strike out? Wayne & Garth saying “Schwing!”
  • The two 10-12 year old boys behind us had a running commentary going on – think Opie meets the Dukes of Hazzard. Then they got onto the topic of which one of them was “sexier” than the other. Finally, one of them said, “I am soooo sexy, that I’ve got two middle names. Sexy & sexy.” I lost it when they then fought over which one had the sexiest mother.
  • TheBean, in her people watching, had a couple of gems as well; she asked, “Are these people all related? Because they all look alike. Especially the small noses…”

    Good times. The home team lost a pitchers duel (2-0) but it was a great experience. Again. We’ll probably catch at least one more game while we’re here… probably in Salem.

    Ended the night with Double Cheeseburgers, 47 Pound Rooster, & the Office. And some deep talks. Very nice. Here’s some pics.





    • Day 2 – VTU & the Ballgame…

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    Bean & I started our trek into Blacksburg with a stop at Starbucks, a beautiful brick building on the edge of campus – interesting to see the area almost totally empty, knowing that in about 3 days, all of that is going to change as students descend on the campus for the Fall semester. A person we talked to described it as the ‘coming of the locusts.’ I hope to see it… from a safe distance of course. From there it was on to the Campus Store, where one can purchase all things Hokie, (no pun intended). All I could see was wave after wave of orange & brown. I picked up a couple of hats & a shirt for the kids. Don’t tell them, as it’s a surprise.


    We walked the area around the campus entrance for a few minutes & took the requisite pictures in front of the sign at the entrance.

    Actually, we took more than a few pictures, but with the combo of our camera, the time of day (about 4:30 which isn’t late, no, no, it’s early, early…) & my technical expertise, we didn’t manage to get any usable ones. Which, for fans of digital cameras, you can know is quite the accomplishment. Yay me.

    Suffice it to say: lots of rolling green grass, row upon row of trees… a really nice place… & almost completely devoid of people. Except a couple of over-achiever early arrivals (probably engineering students…)

    Baseball is beautiful.

    We left for Salem, VA to catch the Avalanche game with the Braves affiliate from Myrtle Beach – the Pelicans (who wore a baby blue ensemble that would have made Stacy & Clinton cringe.) Bought box seats ($8/each) in the 4th row behind the home dugout. Turns out the Avs are in last place. There was a lack of energy in the place, (dugout included) that even theBean noticed. Throughout the game the ‘energy lack’ showed up with uninspired play at times, a few defensive miscues, 3 separate baserunning (or base-coaching) issues, 3 times having the bases loaded, 3 times not scoring. Ouch.

    No matter. We were at a baseball game. The weather was beautiful, the setting was next to perfect. No one was around for 3 or 4 rows, though Annie Savoy was in the front row, greeting all the players (& coaches) every time they ran off of the field. Living out the local version of Bull Durham… Weird.

    By the 6th inning beer goggles & beer muscles were in full-effect. TheBean & I laughed constantly, esp. because the Appalachian accent gets more pronounced in proportion to the amount of beer consumed. Very nice.

    All kidding aside – there were many, many highlights from the night – one of which was watching the ‘community’ – people who attend the games with season tickets – interacting with each other, catching up, being in each others lives. Made me long for next year when Reno gets our own team (actually Tucson’s team. Thanks Tucson!) To be able to hang with family & friends is something that I’m really looking forward to.

    Again, baseball is beautiful. I took some pictures of the field, & got a semi-closeup of Koby Clemens, catcher for the Avs – he didn’t play, but…

    After the game (stayed through the last out, baby!) we exited the parking lot without any trouble – & drove the 25 minutes ‘home’ to CSR, with only a stop by McDonald’s for dinner. I needed to get my 5 Double Cheeseburgers for $5. In our living room, theBean ate leftover scallops from Outback, while I scarfed my burgers. We shared some Gnarly Head Cab & watch a couple episodes of “The Office” – Season 3, w/the deleted scenes. The Diwali episode was priceless.

    Ahhh. All in all, a very nice day.

    And now the pics – enjoy!





    Day 2

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    TheBean & I got up about 8 local time, meaning that we’re probably one day away from being acclimated to the time difference on EST… Found that the campus has a gym (parque’ floor, ala the old Boston Garden) with glass backboards, & an atmosphere like Hickory High‘s gym… I checked in & found that it is ok to shoot there, so I’ll be headed up this afternoon before the ‘city league’ games start.

    Then I found the weight room with treadmill… ahhh… no sedentary 10 days for me.

    Our appointment with Chuck was at 11:15, so we made our way up to his office & waited for the previous appointments to leave. When our time came, we ended up just sitting down for 30 seconds or so, before Chuck decided he was hungry & then, so were we. We decided to hit Ruby Tuesday’s for lunch – & found that it sure has changed since we last went there. But I digress.

    Most of the meal & for about an hour after we were done, we talked about what we hope to accomplish while we’re here in Christiansburg, the reason that we made the trek across the country. We want to see a new way of relating to each other emerge, take shape. In the areas of being husband/wife, friends, partners in ministry, & in leading Hillside. And, we talked quite a bit about how we believe the last year to 18 months has gone… leading up to & since the Sabbath break. A good time was had by all. :)

    Tomorrow at 9 a.m., I’m going in solo; & I’m greatly looking forward to it.

    We’re hoping to head into Blacksburg to go to the Hokie Spoke a student store for VTU, where one can pick up all kinds of football & other paraphenalia… legal paraphenalia that is. Then later, we’re off to see either the Salem Avalanche or the Pulaski Mariners – as I found out that there is YET ANOTHER place to catch Minor League Baseball within about 20 minutes. Joy! We’re going to talk about it a bit, then head out for the afternoon.

    Arrivaderci!

    Getting ready for a trip…

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    This coming Saturday, the Bean & I are off to Virginia – actually a little town called “Christiansburg.” Holy, huh? I’ve been doing some research for any down time that we might have – so that I can offer the Bean a PLETH-ora of options if & when she wants to get out & explore America’s version of Bavaria…

    One place I know we’re going is the Floyd, VA Country Store – for the Friday night clogging & bluegrass… I know we’re going, because my friend Chuck, (the guy who oversees the Pastoral Care for Foursquare) has recommended it, will be going, & has said that he loves it because it is a great picture of what church could & should be like. I’ve never clogged, but I am familiar with a rocking chair & Southern food. Hmmm.

    I found that only 25 miles away is a genuine, Class A Minor League team, the Salem Avalanche. They Avs happen to be in town for 6 of the 10 days we’re there, & the Bean has already given approval to a road trip or 3 for the night games. $7 General Admission to get in. And Koby Clemens catches for them.

    Our days will involve the two of us meeting with Chuck for counsel, then maybe 1 or the other having some solo time; in preparation for this, we’ve both been doing our ‘homework’ which means reading & listening to a lot of background material that Chuck will be bringing up with us in our talks – a lot of great, great stuff from the store at Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with resources from Peter Scazzero et al. Stuff like: “The Courage to Pursue Emotional Health;” “Accepting the Gift of Your Emotions;” “Living Faithful to Oneself;” “Going Back In Order to Go Forward;” & “Enlarging Your Soul Through Grief…” to name a few.

    We talked about it a bit yesterday in the tag-team speech; but we’re both approaching this time as a gift. We’re not going to Virginia because everything is coming apart at the seams, or because our relationship is on the rocks. We’re going because we’re fortunate enough to have a leadership team at Hillside & also in our District that believes in us, & in giving us opportunity to grow, change, & work on our relationship proactively, before we’d get to the danger zone.

    Maybe its because ‘counseling’ had been so stigmatized… spoken of in hushed tones about people who had come to the end of their rope, & as a last ditch effort, were going to counseling… That may be true for how others look at it, but for me & the Bean, its for the hope of growth & new life.

    I’m hungry – so I’m going scavenging. Until later… Ciao!

    a wedding…

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    Last night I helped to officiate at my first liturgical wedding. My cousin Justin was married – the girl he married is Catholic, & wanted to get married in the church she grew up in… her CCD teacher (Deacon Bob) & I were chosen by to be the officiants, with both of us representing the ‘faith traditions’ that the blissful couple had grown up with.

    About a month ago, Deacon Bob & I got together to work through the ceremony, & also for a crash course for me – so I could know what elements of the ceremony were a part of the requirement of having it in the Catholic church. Also, we needed to work through the ‘who does what part?” It fell to Deacon Bob to determine that, as there were parts that he had to do in order for the ceremony to be authorized.

    We met over coffee… really good coffee… & absolutely hit it off; turns out Deacon Bob is the father of Whitey, my brother Moe’s long time friend… Plus, he had a great sense of humor, was really, really sensitive to not being offensive to me in walking me through the process; which was funny in its own right, as this is one area that I have no hyper-sensitivity to – & just wanted to make it through the ceremony. :)

    It was very enjoyable – & was really glad to be able to have gone to The Abbey with TheMoses & Brother in March – a lot of what I experienced there served as great background for my plunge into the world of liturgical wedding ceremonies.

    Stuff that stood out to me:

  • The vows, rings, pronouncement of the couple, & the homily had to be done by Deacon Bob, as he is authorized & recognized by the Church. Homily is a fancy word for the Speech.
  • I could do just about anything else – & did. I even was given an opportunity for Reflection – which Deacon Bob explained is a lot like the homily (speech) except is done by me. :) The irony of how the different words & calling things by different names to fit the structure was not lost on either of us. We laughed a lot.
  • Deacon Bob offered for me to wear a special robe – I thought about it for about 3 seconds & declined, remembering the travesty of the last time I wore a robe for a wedding. As if the suit isn’t uncomfortable enough…
  • Evidently, the best man had a hip flask of tequila that he may or may not have been imbibing from. All I observed was that he progressively mellowed as the evening went on…
  • I got to lead a responsive prayer – which means I read the text, then at the end of my part, lift my right hand up, palm up, to signal that everyone in the room could/should repeat the phrase, “Lord, hear our prayer.” I spent a lot of time practicing this – for many reasons.

    #1, this is a wedding, & this part of the liturgy is very meaningful to a lot of people. Even if its different for me doesn’t mean I can’t participate & see & know the presence of God in the middle of it.

    #2 – I practiced because I’m a dork, & knew that I had to in order to get past the giggles that inevitably show up at times like this. Like when me & the boys were at the Abbey, we all 3 giggled, not irreverently (at least in our eyes) to hear the cantor’s sing-song voice leading the prayers & Daily Office… And, my brother Johnny & I used to copy the Benedictine Monks chanting in Latin that we listened to & observed on TV – we didn’t know the words, so it came out like, “Hee-mo-SHAAAAAAAR-mo…” Still almost giggled yesterday – nice to share that memory with my parents, too.

    #3 – I wanted to make sure that I raised my hand at the right time – turns out I did ok, but I shouldn’t quit my day job. (Thanks Deacon Bob.)

    The wedding was happening at St. Teresa’s, a really beautiful place. It was my first time in the new building – & man – it was sweet.

    And what I didn’t know was that all of the “reflection” & “prayer” parts of the ceremony had to happen at the AMBO. Had no idea what that was… until DB pointed me to the pulpit. Hmm. Got it.

    There were songs, readings from the Bible, a homily, a reflection, prayers, & some more prayers – & it was done. Then, to the reception.

    Hung out for about 90 minutes waiting for the wedding party – they were doing pictures; we were drinking coffee & theBean was eating appetizers… by the time the bride & groom showed up, it was 8:50 p.m. & it was in Carson – so we cheered like crazy for them, then made our way out to go home. On the way out, I was told how terrible it was that I was leaving at this point. Which makes me wonder, as an aside, “How long is long enough to stay at a wedding reception?” Is it worse not to go at all, or to leave after only a ‘short’ time, regardless of the reason for it? Is it a “non-scoey” issue? I think so, but I could be wrong. I’m kinda on a role in that area

    Everything ended up nice & fun, as theBean, theWeez, & I went through McD’s for 3 double-cheeseburgers. The beauty of it is that it is on my diet. Hooray!

    • Boundaries in Marriage, #4

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    The previous 3 posts in this series can be found here: #1 and #2 and #3.

    As I read through Boundaries, something clicked; something that had been circling the gray-matter for a long period of time, but that had been undefined & way too nebulous to be coherent & understandable…

    Of course it made sense: Boundaries are established in me, by me, for me, that I would live according to & congruent with my values. That I would be able to say “Yes” & “No” according to what I really believe, think, & feel, without attempting (needing?) to attempt the futility of making others happy with my decisions. To no longer try to avoid real/perceived conflict by making decisions/living life in such a way as that these ‘significant’ people in my life would approve. Just to be.

    Real boundaries deal with self-control – in that they deal with ME. Boundaries are definitely not lines drawn in the sand in thinly veiled attempts to control others by putting restrictions on them, using guilt, threats, &/or the withholding of approval or affection. Not calling something ‘boundaries’ that is really just an attempt to punish others into changing. Or to manipulate their decision making using the ‘silent’, (or is it pouty?) treatment. Or to withdraw from relationship & call it a boundary. That sort of behavior would only be exchanging one form of relational unhealth for another. (NOTE: Boundaries can only be worked out & on in the context of relationship. To cut someone out of your life isn’t a boundary. It’s retreat. It’s based in fear. It’s immature.)

    Self-control sounded good, as did personal responsibility. Then I started realizing & thinking through the consequences & potential loneliness in making such decisions. Claiming & owning responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, & actions, while no longer using the familiar scapegoat of blaming others for my circumstances. Even my wife. I wanted something different for me, & for my marriage, & so did the Bean.

    Taking personal responsibility was like unwinding a string from a sweater that just keeps unraveling. In my marriage, I’d seen myself, for better or for worse, as a victim of circumstance; a victim of the decisions & choices of another; & I often felt sorry for myself because of those choices, & how they “kept me” from making decisions that were in line with how I really thought & wanted to live. It was no longer ok to live in the status quo, silently (usually) bemoaning the state of our relationship, without delving into real depths of transparency & communication. Displaying little of the unconditional respect, love, honor, & trust that we’d both promised to extend to each other “as long as we both shall live.”

    I discovered the pseudo-safety in being the ‘good guy’ (self-proclaimed) because of my spouse’s relational choices. It was a place I loathed, but one where I stayed because of fear. No more.

    Instead of complaining & being miserable about my wife’s choices, & blaming her for what amounted to my own inaction, I resolved to make my own decisions. Not to bail on my wife or the relationship – but to choose & live differently. To be my own person, & more importantly, to let my wife be HER own person too. To no longer feel or live like I needed to ‘compensate’ for what I saw or interpreted as her weaknesses, or to attempt to cover over her decisions that had bad consequences (for me.) Call it enabling, call it codependent, call it being afraid of being alone, or being responsible for me. Whatever. No more.

    At the root of what had to be overcome was fear – in particular a paralyzing fear that I tried to ignore & avoid, to no effect. In a nutshell:

    I feared that if I made the decisions & choices that were consistent with the boundaries I set with myself, if I lived in this manner, I would be rejected, abandoned, & no longer loved by my wife.

    There was nothing in our past or present that would support that conclusion, but it was real to me. And I wrestled. It seemed wrong. But I knew it wasn’t.

    In the middle of the decisions to change how I lived, to set & live by boundaries, I had to be ok with whatever ‘consequences’ came as a result of the choices I made. And to let the Bean make whatever decision she would make. And love & accept her unconditionally, no matter what. And to know that she’d committed the same to me. Now we just had to live it.

    Boundaries In Marriage, #3

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    Boundaries are misunderstood – as though they are some sort of special ‘fix-all’ that are applied to ‘other people’ to magically change another person’s behaviors or to modify their actions.

    That’s not setting boundaries – that’s try to control others… Boundaries are set on ourselves. Boundaries are about self-control. Learning to self-regulate, & take responsibility for me, my own wants, desires, choices, & actions.

    Boundaries are about truth – me being truthful with myself, & with others with the choices I make; what I will do & won’t do. It might be easier to blame others for our internal dissatisfaction, &/or the situation that we’ve found ourselves in, as connected to them, but in reality, our life situation is largely (not totally – as I’m wanting to avoid blanket statements :) due to what we’ve allowed/tolerated/gone along with because of our people pleasing issues. Or our desire to avoid conflict.

    Creating & applying boundaries is taking responsibility for myself in the context of relationship with others. It’s making consistent choices to affect personal change so as not to continually place myself in a hurtful, damaging, controlling situation.

    Boundaries are not withdrawal from relationship either:

    Boundaries are only built & established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the 1st step of boundaries is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against developing boundaries with another person. The only place boundaries are real is in relationship with another person.

    So, every relationship is affected by the boundaries I set, because the boundaries I set have to do with me. And that’s a great place to start affecting change…
    To be continued…

    Drive-bys…

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    Plucky’s Pixie Post reminded me of a ‘drive-by’ funkiness that I experienced not too long ago.

    A guy, in Christian leadership, that I see about 4 times a year came up to me after one of the events that we both happened to be attending. All of my lifetime interactions with this individual had been at most benign, at best innocuous.

    He told me that he needed to talk to me. As we were the last two people in the room, I thought that where we were was as good a spot as any – & couldn’t for the life of me figure out what would prompt this private conversation.

    He started the conversation with, “I just want you to know that I have had a problem with you for a long time, & that I’m letting it go. I forgive you.”

    Me: “Hmm. Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

    Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”

    Me: “For what?”

    Him: “Ummm… I don’t want to talk about it. I just forgive you, ok?”

    Me: “Not ok. You came over to say you ‘forgive me’ & won’t even tell me what I supposedly have done. That’s hippy BS.” (Note: scoey’s filters are down…)

    Him: “Well, goodbye.”

    Me: “What the heck?”

    The whole interchange left me scratching my head:

  • what just happened?
  • what was he saying?
  • what is going on here?
  • how in any world is dropping a random, unsolicited, uncommunicated “I forgive you” on another person, (in Jesus name, of course?)

    So – a drive-by. Hits you when you least expect it. No rhyme or reason. Like someone dumping a load of trash on your property, as though to say, “It’s your problem now…”

    Sigh.