Tag Archives: Commentary on Human Condition

A look back…

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One of the things I enjoy most in life is reading – one of the genres that I am focusing on is US History – specifically the period from the time settlers came across the ocean to the “New World” through the war of 1812… so right now, I’m reading John Adams – & am learning quite a bit about the self-sacrifice that Adams, along with Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, & myriad others chose in order to see a loose band of states become a United & unified country.

A highlight has been reading the correspondence that took place between Adams & his wife, Abigail; I love to hear (ok, read) the perspective of individuals in the beginning stages of leaving behind the government of England for the hope of something better. Especially interesting is the wide-spread discontent in the months leading up to the Declaration of Independence, expressed in articles such as Common Sense by Thomas Paine.

Adams notes that while Paine was able to rally people by identifying the discontent with England & the monarchy, he (Adams) was concerned because Paine (& others) seemed to have a ‘better hand at pulling down than building” up. Meaning, its a lot easier to criticize, undermine, & foment rebellion (pull down) than it is to be a part of building something once the ‘tyrants’ have been removed. It’s a point he revisits over & over & over throughout the book – & its especially poignant after the Declaration has been signed, & the newly formed USA is attempting to garner recognition, support, & trade partners…

Lots of food for thought… & insight into the character of humanity…

Summer…

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It’s hard to remember how cold it was just a couple of months ago. Especially when its 95 in the shade of my porch, & the only respite is a hot breeze that feeds the desire to go inside & hide until it goes away.

Rollercoasters are fun to ride – esp. when you don’t quite know just when the car you’re in is going to jerk down in a big rush… the same can’t be said for the rollercoasters of life.

I meant to do something spontaneous today & it turns out that by the time I was ready for the spontaneity, it was time for me to go plan my little escapade… I tried to plan it out, but it just didn’t happen. Maybe tomorrow. Or Thursday. I’m leaning towards something spontaneous on Thursday.

The anticipation I feel waiting for something to come in the mail is rivaled by all the emotions I felt awaiting Christmas. Or my birthday. Or the opening of the LOTR trilogy. I love eBay purchases.

Wondering about the AAA baseball team coming our way, which was confirmed by the way by Destro’s actually WORKING on the stadium that is being built in downtown Reno. I can’t wait. & hope to get season tickets to be enjoyed with friends. I love baseball. I wonder why that is?

July 11 & 18th seem to be big days for the next round of ‘new’ TV shows to come out. Like Stargate Atlantis. Monk. And other stuff. That’s only a week away. Yay.

I’m still working on my people pleasing post.

Baby Todd could entertain me for hours with her head bobbing & Harpo Marx face. I could use it about now too. When life is out of perspective, there’s nothing like Baby Todd for a little levity. And she thinks I’m cool. Which shouldn’t be a negative reflection on her, as she’s a baby, & doesn’t know any better.

There’s lots of heavy stuff in life. Expectations of self are up there with the heaviest.

Reading in silence is one of life’s greatest pleasures, right up there with Fantasy Football. Only 1 more month, baby.

I wonder why I have an opinion on everything, & a strong one at that? Truly. What is it?

Facebook buries MySpace.

Risking intimacy buries being an island. I’ve done both. I’m off to some spontaneity…

the dance…

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Had a flashback today… in my later high school years, I invited a girl I liked to go to one of the Significant Dances that my school sponsored – as opposed to the High Schools that make every dance a major event…

We had 2.

As I said, I liked the girl, but didn’t really have delusions of grandeur or thoughts that Somehow, Someway, she’d get the hots for me. I thought she was fun to hang out with. So I asked her to the dance.

We went in street clothes (vs. tuxedo & gown) to dinner at Two Guys from Italy on the corner of Moana & South Virginia (it’s gone now…) I thought Irish coffee sounded really good, so I ordered 2 – had no idea that it had whiskey in it. And the fool waiter brought them without even asking for or checking ID’s… with 2 refills each. I only found out that they had whiskey when my nose started feeling fuzzy, & the bill was $3 for each of the specialty drinks (true, inexpensive, but this was 1987. The Old Days.) I thought that a good time was had by all.

We went back to her place & changed into our specialty outfits… & went to the dance. And sat. Turns out, once we got TO the dance, she didn’t WANT to dance. Said her feet hurt. And she was tired. So she sat at a table & talked to her friends. Sigh.

I didn’t quite know what went wrong – she wouldn’t even get pictures to commemorate our great evening… I kept checking in about every 10 minutes to see if she changed her mind. She didn’t. It was rough. I had the distinct feeling that something else was going on, but she said it wasn’t me, it was her. Tired. Feet hurt. Etc.

I took her home about 90 minutes later, & our plan was to change our clothes out of the monkey suits into our street clothes, & then to go hang out with friends. (Meaning people that wanted to be sober, eat cool snax, & have lots of fun. Watch movies.) I changed my clothes, & waited for her in the living room for 15 minutes. 30 minutes. 45 minutes. 90 minutes. And waited. I passed the time by watching TV, but grew more & more impatient. Finally, her mom came out to get some water; she didn’t know I was there… (Mental picture that still haunts me.) She asked, “What are you doing?” I explained that I was waiting for her daughter to come out so we could resume our activities for the evening. She went into her daughters room, & came out immediately – embarrassed. Sheepish. She whispered, “I’m sorry. She went to bed.”

Hmm. Later on, I heard rumors from others on the stories that she had told about her “hellish, terrible night” out with me. How stupid I looked. How lame the evening was. How bad dinner was (of which she ate 3 courses…) But every time I asked her about it, she just said, “Oh, I was tired. My feet hurt.” Even though I knew that she was telling a different story to others.

I’ve often wondered why she didn’t deem me worthy of the truth that she so willingly told her friends: She didn’t really want to go out with me, but didn’t want to miss the dance. I was a means to an end. The truth would have been appreciated.

Diets…

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I’m on a diet. I know that the word “diet” is loaded with all kinds of meaning & baggage, but for me, it’s how I eat – & a specific food group that will become a part of my ‘food world.’ (My term probably. I like it for its descriptiveness… it speaks a lot of how small the actual pool of potential edibles is in my world.)

Anyway, over time, I have discovered that there are certain foods that don’t sit well in my belly. Dairy products. Like ice-cream. Mostly ice-cream. Milk. I end up with all kinds of negative side affects, which are better left undescribed. These only have kicked in over the last 3-5 years, so it’s not like I’ve been lactose intolerant my whole life, only to finally realize it. High sugar foods, like any good dessert – hot fudge, cheesecake, monkey bread, 6 layer double fudge cake, etc…, combined with high carbohydrate refined flours & sugars, cause me to have a near-catastrophic response in my blood sugar. And even if they didn’t, they left me feeling blah, sick to my stomach, & generally grumpus-like… all of this I had thought was just normal, par for the course response to food. You eat it, then you get this response. Turns out, not everybody has that kind of a deal with food. So, I modified my approach – if it doesn’t make me feel sick, angry, & doesn’t taste like dren…

A few years back, the Atkins Diet was all the rage. I was a few pounds heavier than my fighting weight, & my 30th birthday was fast approaching, so I thought I’d at least look into this ‘diet’ & see what it would entail… cutting out refined sugars & flours… avoiding trans fats… avoiding ‘high carbohydrate’ food… eating foods high in protein. Like meat. Sausages. Chicken. Pork. Meat. Did I mention meat? And good cheese. And I thought this was a diet. It sounded like my preferred means of nutrition. So I went ‘on’ the diet, & lost 35 pounds. The only things I missed eating were cookie dough, breakfast cereal (but milk was ok to miss) & the occasional dessert, like cake. Or ice-cream, which made me sick anyway. Some people were “Atkins haters” & some nutritionists said it was bad to eat that way, but my experience & my body told me a different story. And, yes, my cholesterol was measured at 141 – 70 for the ldl, 71 for the Hdl…

The next several years of my life involved eating what I referred to as a “modified Atkins’ meaning – I ate what I wanted, mostly high in protein, & low in refined sugars & flours. It was the ‘best’ time of life – where if I felt like eating something that wasn’t on the diet, I ate it, then resumed my regular routine.

Our church family went on 2 40 day fasts – not total fasts, but fasts that involved not eating meats or the ‘nice parts’ of meals – it was a part of something our denomination was doing at the time… so I participated, & in a short time, eating cereals, bagels, veggies, whole grains, & yogurt, had managed to put back on all the weight I had lost. Sigh.

Fast forward to May 16 of this year. I had been thinking about me & how I great I felt when I had been “Atkins-ing.” My pounds were still lurking, the residue of my 3 months (& then some) of special high-carb eating… I wanted them to go away – so I decided that for me, eating what I want in the manner I want was the way to go. So I’ve been doing the modified Atkins again since then, & the results have been what I expected. About 15 pounds gone. Feeling good in my body, soul, & mind. Enjoying the indulgence of life’s little pleasures like Spam, Flaming Hot Pork Skins, Louisiana Hot Links, broccoli, & Sharp Cheddar cheese.

I take vitamins. I work out 4x a week. I eat food that is high-protein/low carb, & I drink water like my life depends on it. (I know, I know. It does. But you get what I mean.) And my ‘diet’ is the way I want to eat. The way I feel best when I eat. And yes, I will occasionally mix in a dessert… It makes me think that for all the nutritional studies publishing what’s good, bad, & ugly for us to consume, there’s a lot of generalizations in those studies, & one of the best things we can do is find out what fuel our body likes best & functions best on…

But you can do what you like. I’m going to have a 2-egg Spam omelette with Taco Bell Fire Sauce & some great cheddar…

Remember the Sabbath…

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The circumstances of life lately have led to more introspection than normal, which is saying quite a bit, thank you very much. A lot of my pondering has been on the topic of relationships, what’s important in life, & having peace regardless of circumstance. In the midst of it, I keep hearing, “Remember the Sabbath…”

  • It’s a reminder that I’m more than the sum of my accomplishments. That I’m holy, because I belong to God.
  • It’s holy time – set apart to God to honor Him, & live life for the sake of living – I like to think of it as being ‘for no good reason,’ which is something I think about as a poke at the idea that all the time I spend needs to be Productive. And Purposeful.
  • It’s coming to Jesus because His yoke is easy & His burden is light. And anyone selling a different yoke or trying to lay one on you is selling something…
  • It’s life in all of its fullness…

    It’s for me. I choose it.

    Psalm 54 1 Save me, O God, by your name;
    vindicate me by your might.
    2 Hear my prayer, O God;
    listen to the words of my mouth.

    3 Strangers are attacking me;
    ruthless men seek my life—
    men without regard for God.
    Selah

    4 Surely God is my help;
    the Lord is the one who sustains me.

    5 Let evil recoil on those who slander me;
    in your faithfulness destroy them.

    6 I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
    I will praise your name, O LORD,
    for it is good.

    7 For he has delivered me from all my troubles,
    and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

    NLT

    • emotional gas tank…

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    And I thought the price of gas was high.

    One of the things that I’ve been learning about myself over the last 18 or so months is that I need to keep a watch on my emotional gas tank… it runs out way, way, sooner than does my physical tank. The problem is, my emotional tank lies to me. Tells me everything is OK. No worries. Coping just fine, thanks for asking. I’m doing Well.

    It could almost lead one to think that the emotional gas tank was doing just fine. But I’m catching on to it…

    So far, I’ve found that doing things & being around people that I enjoy (or enjoy me, take your pick) makes me feel about 83% better. And the rest of the refill might just be waiting for the time to pass to allow healing. I feel weepy, & cry at the drop of the proverbial hat. Oh, the joy of being around me.

    And wondering… what refills your emotional gas tank? Or, have you discovered that you HAVE one?

    Goodbye to Sue L. & other thoughts…

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    Good bye Sue L. You’ll be missed. Esp. when I’m trying to figure out what exactly the little knobbys do on the soundboard.

    On that note: I wonder what part of our psyche is affected as we try to deal with the death of friends & loved ones… cause I know there’s a part that is numbed, & does everything possible to try to function like Everything Is Normal, when at the same time a logical portion of the mind(?) is stating, matter of factly of course, the ‘reality’ of events that have led to our friend/loved one not being on the planet.

    I remember the 1st time I prayed after my brother’s funeral… it was bedtime prayers, of course, just me & the Bean. I was covering all the bases (meaning praying for family & extended family,) & I prayed for Johnny, Joel, & Ben… (their birth order btw…) It took about 10 seconds before I realized that I’d prayed for Johnny. And that he had died. And I knew it, & wasn’t in denial. But at that moment, I had thought, “I need to pray for him…”

    And I cried w/the Bean. Tears of grief. Loss. Sorrow. Loneliness. And I thought about my brother, & wondered if praying would ever be the same again…

    The numbness fades over time, but I don’t know if it ever goes away totally – maybe its a sorrow or the residue of missing someone. Or the part of our psyche that screams out, “NO!” & does everything possible to protect me from the pain of feeling.

    I wish more people who knew my brother, talked to me about my brother. Cause, Man, that is the best. My kids never met their Uncle, as he died in June 1990, & the Pasty Gangster didn’t enter the world until 9/1991. I wish they could have known him, because he was a piece of work. (The closest to his personality is #2 son, Prince Darrell – esp. when he doesn’t get his way…) So, I want to reminisce – look at videos, & ‘introduce’ my kids to him… Because then, his memory is carried on by more than just a picture.

    If a loved one or friend has died, keep talking about them. It helps.

    Walking with a friend as they bury their wife is hard… but it would be harder for them alone. Life’s too short to do that kind of thing by yourself. Let’s not go solo.

    goodbyes are hard…

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    Aaron & Michelle are moving home for the summer, but they’ll be back in late August just in time for Aaron to subject himself to 21 units at the U of N, & for Miss Michelle to jump in for the opening of the Fall semester of Little Lites. The fact that they’re coming back in a relatively short time (as short as the summers are in Reno,) should temper the loss… but it doesn’t, really. Because I know that when Aaron graduates, they’re moving. And goodbyes are hard…

    So how does one deal with goodbyes? Here’s a couple of my favorites…

  • Avoidance – Some avoid relationships all-together, & become virtual hermits… Bizarro-scoeyd could do that. Has done that. Didn’t work out either, thanks for asking.
  • Denial – pretending its not happening. Creating an artificial reality helps, where people only exist when they’re in your presence. It helps if one has lots of practice at living in their own little world, but it’s pretty tough to sustain this one. Other people keep it complicated.
  • Embracing – kinda like the moment at camp, when the Friends song gets broken out at the end. People claim to hate it, but I think it’s really their favorite part of camp – being able to get all teary & clingy – maybe it’s an artificial grieving, maybe it’s real, but I think it serves a purpose, for at least a segment of the population. Cause people are going to move away. Or die. Or get married. Or I will. (not the married part. Done that.)

    I know that there’s many other means of dealing with goodbyes, but Friends is almost over. I never intended to post this morning, but rather to just roll through my blogs & catch up with friends. So as I read back over it, I feel self-conscious, because there are many more eloquent ways to state what I’ve stated, & if I crafted for a while, I might even find one. But instead, I’m just pondering. And feeling a bit melancholy.

    And setting myself to be a person who lives well. Embraces life. And relationships. They make life so much richer & deeper, which is probably why it hurts so much when a relationship changes, even if its ‘just’ geographic. I’m thankful for you.

    I miss you Dabey… :)

    • One Day

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    I was thinking back over the last few years & the different people that have come into & subsequently gone out of my life. A lot of it has happened in, around, & through this thing called “church…” which is quite the microcosm of society & is one of the more bizarre Social Environments I have ever encountered…

    ..so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that when One Day, people that I thought I’d been close to, disappeared. I didn’t know if they were gone, gone, or if they were just on vacation. I bet that if people are looking to drop out or leave a church, doing it post-vacation would be the way it happens more often than not. After all, you’re already on the move, & your absence wouldn’t really be noticed until you were Out There.

    What runs through my head is: Are you supposed to call people that have gone M.I.A.? How long qualifies as MIA? How much time does one give between calls? Is it considered stalking or pressuring people to check in & ask them what’s up & where they’ve been?

    My thought is that what people do or don’t do for ‘church’ is up to them – & I don’t want to be the High Pressure guy that is in your grill trying to get you to justify why you haven’t been coming to church. Or (Gasp!) why you don’t go to this one anymore… But it would be nice to know what’s up – a short, “We’re going somewhere else. Thanks!” would be great. No drive-bys, no wondering “Whatever happened to…”

    ‘cos really, I want to know, but I don’t want to try to chase people down – if they wanted to communicate, wouldn’t they have initiated it? I don’t know. Weird.

    It’s pretty darn easy to be selfish – to focus on how other peoples’ behaviors are so bad, & how sad it makes us… but I really think that a lot of that has to do with how their behavior, choices, actions, etc. affect or reflect on us. We don’t want to be the guy with the friend that blew it, like somehow, the bad choice & the resulting consequences could be pinned on us, & somehow, someway end up taking us down a notch or 10 in the eyes & esteem of others. I can say its about them, but really, its probably about me.