Drive-bys…

Plucky’s Pixie Post reminded me of a ‘drive-by’ funkiness that I experienced not too long ago.

A guy, in Christian leadership, that I see about 4 times a year came up to me after one of the events that we both happened to be attending. All of my lifetime interactions with this individual had been at most benign, at best innocuous.

He told me that he needed to talk to me. As we were the last two people in the room, I thought that where we were was as good a spot as any – & couldn’t for the life of me figure out what would prompt this private conversation.

He started the conversation with, “I just want you to know that I have had a problem with you for a long time, & that I’m letting it go. I forgive you.”

Me: “Hmm. Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “Ummm… I don’t want to talk about it. I just forgive you, ok?”

Me: “Not ok. You came over to say you ‘forgive me’ & won’t even tell me what I supposedly have done. That’s hippy BS.” (Note: scoey’s filters are down…)

Him: “Well, goodbye.”

Me: “What the heck?”


The whole interchange left me scratching my head:

  • what just happened?
  • what was he saying?
  • what is going on here?
  • how in any world is dropping a random, unsolicited, uncommunicated “I forgive you” on another person, (in Jesus name, of course?)

    So – a drive-by. Hits you when you least expect it. No rhyme or reason. Like someone dumping a load of trash on your property, as though to say, “It’s your problem now…”

    Sigh.

  • Boundaries In Marriage, #2

    A few things happened in a pretty short period of time that exposed & uncovered thoughts, beliefs, & mindsets – maybe that I’d not articulated before – or ever owned up to.

    What came up were thoughts about what it means to be ‘nice’ – be a ‘good Christian’ – to ‘respect & honor’ others…

    The lie that was exposed (ala theophostic before I knew what theophostic was)

    to say “no” to someone, even if I really wanted to, is un-Christian

    Think about that.

    It will pop up with total strangers, door-to-door religion salesmen, close friends, extended & nuclear family… & it centers on living for the approval of others (&/or for the absence of real/perceived conflict) while violating (sinning against) myself.

    Functioning with few/no boundaries is like having no fence in the yard around my property. And then having friends, neighbors, strangers, consistently utilize our area, our yard, our driveway to park their cars, clutter, garbage, dog poop in my space… And to say anything about it, to say, this isn’t ok, is to be thought of, in reality or in our own minds as being “not nice.” Selfish. Un-Christian.

    SIDE NOTE: This can end up sounding a lot like a series of “Sabbath” posts. That’s ok – as drawing a line (boundary), saying Yes & No congruently with our heart, embracing limits – is a bit of what goes into the Sabbath, & what I know in retrospect that God used these experiences to kick start the response in me to the leading of the Holy Spirit – & His reminders about entering His Rest.

    A part of boundaries is knowing me – really knowing who I am; my identity, personality, strengths & weaknesses; what I want – my hopes, dreams, & desires – & what I don’t – meaninglessness, loneliness, lack of fulfillment… It’s knowing & choosing to live for God’s purpose in & for my life. Boundaries reminded me that I’m accountable for how I ‘steward’ – utilize – the time I’m given; this means living with purpose & determination, even in seemingly small things.

    I can’t do everything – I can’t please everyone – I can understand that I have limits. And embrace them – not as a character flaw but as a part of being human.

    Because if I don’t live this way, someone else will come up with a purpose or plan for me – maybe not intentionally destructive – something that uses me for their purpose or plan. If/when this is happening enough, the resulting chaos, self-loathing, relational conflicts, & discouragement are deadly to self & to close relationships.


    So, the question: How can I have, nurture, maintain my relationship with my wife & close friends if I’m consistently not honoring myself or those relationships because I either won’t establish any clear boundaries, or won’t ‘enforce them?’ Is my marriage worth prioritizing as the primary relationship on the planet? For me, yes. And, it takes two to tango…:)

    More to come…

    Boundaries In Marriage, #1

    A few years ago, (ok, now that I think about it, its more than a few. About…7? 8?) I came across a book that eventually ended up transforming my life & my marriage – it was Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend (which sounds like a great name for a ’60s folk group. But I digress…) Its one of the reasons that me & the Bean are probably going to lead a small group this Fall 2008 semester called “Boundaries In Marriage.” (I ripped off the title from another book. But that’s for later.)

    The high point for me was that it articulated very clearly & concisely something key for enjoying life in its fullness: we need to be able to say “Yes” & “No” – in a way that our outward declarations jive with our inner values, thoughts, feelings, emotions, & to me the most important – our relationships with the people closest to us. That a lot of us struggle with ‘people pleasing’ & end up functioning in an incongruent way – we are saying Yes to stuff we really want to say No to. And vice-versa. Because we want the approval of the one we’re speaking to. Or something like that. We’re afraid of being rejected. Minimized. Thought to be inferior in some way. Mocked. Derided. You get the idea.


    I’m going to blog about this in the context of marriage, but please don’t check out on me if you’re single – the concept applies across the board for close friendships/relationships. One of the biggest issues that this exposed was the very common choice in marriage relationships for one person in the relationship to choose to say “yes” to a person not in the immediate relationship to avoid conflict (or any of the above negatives,) knowing full well that it means that the person they’re married to will have to bear the brunt of their decision. In effect, they will ‘choose’ to fight it out with their spouse etc. rather that with the person of lesser status (meaning that the spouse takes #1 spot in life. Or should.) They ‘prefer’ the person that is not the spouse over the spouse. Which stinketh, because the whole ‘leave & cleave’ part of the marriage vows have to do with the ‘preference’ of spouse relationship over all others – not rejecting other relationships, but recognizing that if we’re marrying, this relationship takes preeminence over the rest.


    Hope you’re still with me – I’d never heard of Boundaries before, but I understood the concept – believing that we all need/have a set of life-guiding values that help us know what to say “Yes” & “No” to. And why. Maybe not everyone has these. The values help us to not be tossed to & fro by someone else’s ‘vision’ for our life – no matter how influential or significant the role they play (or want to play) in our life. Or have played in the past. Seems it usually pops up with extended family (parents, siblings, & others of that ilk) & close friends, but it sometimes happens elsewhere…


    This isn’t a unique issue that only a few ‘weak’ people struggle with; from my experience in pre/post marriage counseling, the area of ‘preference of spouse’ & knowing, establishing, & maintaining healthy boundaries is a major, major issue for a lot of couples. And if it isn’t for one spouse, it often is for the other. Which means its a problem for both. (Kind of along the lines of “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Or something like that.)


    Why did it change my life/marriage? I’ll get there. It’s dinner time – & I’ll pick up my ramblings when I get a chance. Ciao!

    What goes around…

    Mr H’s post sums up my last 24 hours as well. It seems that there is a bug on the loose, & it stopped to chill with me for a bit. In retrospect, I look back to a rough Friday & Saturday night as well, & see that they were just a hint of what was to come. (I’ll leave the gory details to Dave to tell. But I will say that I feel his pain.)


    I know that Brother was battling on Sunday. Heard about Mr H. Matty. Now Aric. You get the theme… Makes me wonder… were there any adult women that got this bug? So far, all I’ve seen, heard, & experienced has been the men suffering, with the weemuns bravely soldiering on, caring for self, spouse, & family, with the wind blowing in their angelic, nay, saintly hair. Or something like that.

    I’m sure that woman aren’t immune to this bug, but my completely unscientific splanation is that I should wash me hands more. With soap even. 30 seconds. Maybe more.

    Independence & Freedom…

    Maybe its the reading of historical documents (that’s a Galaxy Quest shout out for the uninitiated. If you haven’t seen it, if you don’t yet own it, I heartily recommend that you rectify that ASAP…) that has prompted this train of thought…

    I’ve been pondering the quest for “Independence” & what it means, especially in comparison to the concept of “Freedom” discussed in the Bible, esp. in the book of Galatians. (WARNING: This is a plug for a book. I’d recommend you pick up Traveling Light. I have a couple of extra copies if you’d like to borrow one. And discuss it :).)


    It seems with both “independence” & “freedom” there is an understanding, albeit a misguided one, that to be independent & to be free means to cast off all boundaries, restraints, government, authority, & responsibility towards… kinda like the Soup Dragons & their lyrical declaration:

    I’m free, to do what I want, any old time…


    This thought process came up yesterday while I was sitting with the fam watching Hancock. The theatre was 1/3 full, but the noise during the movie was incredible. I’m not talking about the responses to the movie; I’m speaking of people on their cellphones – talking out loud. The steady stream of “you just got a text” phone beeps. The three crying baby/toddlers whose parents wouldn’t take them out of the theatre to ‘hug it out’. And why is all this ok? One person’s response to a request to please keep it down: “It’s a free country!”


    The John Adams book has given me a pretty vivid picture of a man who, for the desire to be able to govern himself (& for the people of his state/country to be able to do the same,) spent parts/most of 10 years of his life separated from his wife & children – living in often hostile European nations attempting to negotiate with foreign governments for the right to be free. To self-govern. A sacrifice that he was repaid for with scorn, slander, libel, & public mockery… All so we could live in a ‘free country.’


    Independence & freedom don’t relieve us of responsibility toward or for our interactions with other people – it actually reminds us that we ARE connected to others. And that our decisions & choices have consequences for us & for others, consequences that the “independent” & “free” have to think through, because to be truly free, we need to freely exercise self-control, self-restraint instead of majoring in self-indulgence & selfishness. Otherwise, its not independence or freedom we experience – it’s people insisting on their own rights to the violation of others. It’s people pushing their own agendas, without regard for how what they want will affect others…It’s living as virtual children, focused only on our own desires for immediate gratification, & not understanding why anyone else has an issue with it…

    Happy Independence Day.

    A look back…

    One of the things I enjoy most in life is reading – one of the genres that I am focusing on is US History – specifically the period from the time settlers came across the ocean to the “New World” through the war of 1812… so right now, I’m reading John Adams – & am learning quite a bit about the self-sacrifice that Adams, along with Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, & myriad others chose in order to see a loose band of states become a United & unified country.

    A highlight has been reading the correspondence that took place between Adams & his wife, Abigail; I love to hear (ok, read) the perspective of individuals in the beginning stages of leaving behind the government of England for the hope of something better. Especially interesting is the wide-spread discontent in the months leading up to the Declaration of Independence, expressed in articles such as Common Sense by Thomas Paine.

    Adams notes that while Paine was able to rally people by identifying the discontent with England & the monarchy, he (Adams) was concerned because Paine (& others) seemed to have a ‘better hand at pulling down than building” up. Meaning, its a lot easier to criticize, undermine, & foment rebellion (pull down) than it is to be a part of building something once the ‘tyrants’ have been removed. It’s a point he revisits over & over & over throughout the book – & its especially poignant after the Declaration has been signed, & the newly formed USA is attempting to garner recognition, support, & trade partners…

    Lots of food for thought… & insight into the character of humanity…

    Summer…

    It’s hard to remember how cold it was just a couple of months ago. Especially when its 95 in the shade of my porch, & the only respite is a hot breeze that feeds the desire to go inside & hide until it goes away.


    Rollercoasters are fun to ride – esp. when you don’t quite know just when the car you’re in is going to jerk down in a big rush… the same can’t be said for the rollercoasters of life.


    I meant to do something spontaneous today & it turns out that by the time I was ready for the spontaneity, it was time for me to go plan my little escapade… I tried to plan it out, but it just didn’t happen. Maybe tomorrow. Or Thursday. I’m leaning towards something spontaneous on Thursday.


    The anticipation I feel waiting for something to come in the mail is rivaled by all the emotions I felt awaiting Christmas. Or my birthday. Or the opening of the LOTR trilogy. I love eBay purchases.


    Wondering about the AAA baseball team coming our way, which was confirmed by the way by Destro’s actually WORKING on the stadium that is being built in downtown Reno. I can’t wait. & hope to get season tickets to be enjoyed with friends. I love baseball. I wonder why that is?


    July 11 & 18th seem to be big days for the next round of ‘new’ TV shows to come out. Like Stargate Atlantis. Monk. And other stuff. That’s only a week away. Yay.


    I’m still working on my people pleasing post.


    Baby Todd could entertain me for hours with her head bobbing & Harpo Marx face. I could use it about now too. When life is out of perspective, there’s nothing like Baby Todd for a little levity. And she thinks I’m cool. Which shouldn’t be a negative reflection on her, as she’s a baby, & doesn’t know any better.


    There’s lots of heavy stuff in life. Expectations of self are up there with the heaviest.


    Reading in silence is one of life’s greatest pleasures, right up there with Fantasy Football. Only 1 more month, baby.


    I wonder why I have an opinion on everything, & a strong one at that? Truly. What is it?


    Facebook buries MySpace.


    Risking intimacy buries being an island. I’ve done both. I’m off to some spontaneity…

    the dance…

    Had a flashback today… in my later high school years, I invited a girl I liked to go to one of the Significant Dances that my school sponsored – as opposed to the High Schools that make every dance a major event…

    We had 2.

    As I said, I liked the girl, but didn’t really have delusions of grandeur or thoughts that Somehow, Someway, she’d get the hots for me. I thought she was fun to hang out with. So I asked her to the dance.


    We went in street clothes (vs. tuxedo & gown) to dinner at Two Guys from Italy on the corner of Moana & South Virginia (it’s gone now…) I thought Irish coffee sounded really good, so I ordered 2 – had no idea that it had whiskey in it. And the fool waiter brought them without even asking for or checking ID’s… with 2 refills each. I only found out that they had whiskey when my nose started feeling fuzzy, & the bill was $3 for each of the specialty drinks (true, inexpensive, but this was 1987. The Old Days.) I thought that a good time was had by all.


    We went back to her place & changed into our specialty outfits… & went to the dance. And sat. Turns out, once we got TO the dance, she didn’t WANT to dance. Said her feet hurt. And she was tired. So she sat at a table & talked to her friends. Sigh.


    I didn’t quite know what went wrong – she wouldn’t even get pictures to commemorate our great evening… I kept checking in about every 10 minutes to see if she changed her mind. She didn’t. It was rough. I had the distinct feeling that something else was going on, but she said it wasn’t me, it was her. Tired. Feet hurt. Etc.


    I took her home about 90 minutes later, & our plan was to change our clothes out of the monkey suits into our street clothes, & then to go hang out with friends. (Meaning people that wanted to be sober, eat cool snax, & have lots of fun. Watch movies.) I changed my clothes, & waited for her in the living room for 15 minutes. 30 minutes. 45 minutes. 90 minutes. And waited. I passed the time by watching TV, but grew more & more impatient. Finally, her mom came out to get some water; she didn’t know I was there… (Mental picture that still haunts me.) She asked, “What are you doing?” I explained that I was waiting for her daughter to come out so we could resume our activities for the evening. She went into her daughters room, & came out immediately – embarrassed. Sheepish. She whispered, “I’m sorry. She went to bed.”


    Hmm. Later on, I heard rumors from others on the stories that she had told about her “hellish, terrible night” out with me. How stupid I looked. How lame the evening was. How bad dinner was (of which she ate 3 courses…) But every time I asked her about it, she just said, “Oh, I was tired. My feet hurt.” Even though I knew that she was telling a different story to others.


    I’ve often wondered why she didn’t deem me worthy of the truth that she so willingly told her friends: She didn’t really want to go out with me, but didn’t want to miss the dance. I was a means to an end. The truth would have been appreciated.

    Diets…

    I’m on a diet. I know that the word “diet” is loaded with all kinds of meaning & baggage, but for me, it’s how I eat – & a specific food group that will become a part of my ‘food world.’ (My term probably. I like it for its descriptiveness… it speaks a lot of how small the actual pool of potential edibles is in my world.)

    Anyway, over time, I have discovered that there are certain foods that don’t sit well in my belly. Dairy products. Like ice-cream. Mostly ice-cream. Milk. I end up with all kinds of negative side affects, which are better left undescribed. These only have kicked in over the last 3-5 years, so it’s not like I’ve been lactose intolerant my whole life, only to finally realize it. High sugar foods, like any good dessert – hot fudge, cheesecake, monkey bread, 6 layer double fudge cake, etc…, combined with high carbohydrate refined flours & sugars, cause me to have a near-catastrophic response in my blood sugar. And even if they didn’t, they left me feeling blah, sick to my stomach, & generally grumpus-like… all of this I had thought was just normal, par for the course response to food. You eat it, then you get this response. Turns out, not everybody has that kind of a deal with food. So, I modified my approach – if it doesn’t make me feel sick, angry, & doesn’t taste like dren…


    A few years back, the Atkins Diet was all the rage. I was a few pounds heavier than my fighting weight, & my 30th birthday was fast approaching, so I thought I’d at least look into this ‘diet’ & see what it would entail… cutting out refined sugars & flours… avoiding trans fats… avoiding ‘high carbohydrate’ food… eating foods high in protein. Like meat. Sausages. Chicken. Pork. Meat. Did I mention meat? And good cheese. And I thought this was a diet. It sounded like my preferred means of nutrition. So I went ‘on’ the diet, & lost 35 pounds. The only things I missed eating were cookie dough, breakfast cereal (but milk was ok to miss) & the occasional dessert, like cake. Or ice-cream, which made me sick anyway. Some people were “Atkins haters” & some nutritionists said it was bad to eat that way, but my experience & my body told me a different story. And, yes, my cholesterol was measured at 141 – 70 for the ldl, 71 for the Hdl…


    The next several years of my life involved eating what I referred to as a “modified Atkins’ meaning – I ate what I wanted, mostly high in protein, & low in refined sugars & flours. It was the ‘best’ time of life – where if I felt like eating something that wasn’t on the diet, I ate it, then resumed my regular routine.


    Our church family went on 2 40 day fasts – not total fasts, but fasts that involved not eating meats or the ‘nice parts’ of meals – it was a part of something our denomination was doing at the time… so I participated, & in a short time, eating cereals, bagels, veggies, whole grains, & yogurt, had managed to put back on all the weight I had lost. Sigh.


    Fast forward to May 16 of this year. I had been thinking about me & how I great I felt when I had been “Atkins-ing.” My pounds were still lurking, the residue of my 3 months (& then some) of special high-carb eating… I wanted them to go away – so I decided that for me, eating what I want in the manner I want was the way to go. So I’ve been doing the modified Atkins again since then, & the results have been what I expected. About 15 pounds gone. Feeling good in my body, soul, & mind. Enjoying the indulgence of life’s little pleasures like Spam, Flaming Hot Pork Skins, Louisiana Hot Links, broccoli, & Sharp Cheddar cheese.


    I take vitamins. I work out 4x a week. I eat food that is high-protein/low carb, & I drink water like my life depends on it. (I know, I know. It does. But you get what I mean.) And my ‘diet’ is the way I want to eat. The way I feel best when I eat. And yes, I will occasionally mix in a dessert… It makes me think that for all the nutritional studies publishing what’s good, bad, & ugly for us to consume, there’s a lot of generalizations in those studies, & one of the best things we can do is find out what fuel our body likes best & functions best on…


    But you can do what you like. I’m going to have a 2-egg Spam omelette with Taco Bell Fire Sauce & some great cheddar…