measuring…

Posted on by


I can still hear the voice ringing in my ears…

Do you still read your Bible? How much do you read your Bible? How often? Do you have many memory verses committed to memory? Which ones? Will you recite them for me now? Do you think you’ll have more memorized next week? Are you consistent with your devotions? What time of the day/afternoon/night do you do your devotions? When you do your devotions, how long do you spend on them? Do you pray? What do you pray about? When do you pray? How much do you pray? Aarrrgggghhhh!


What do these questions have to do with faith in Christ? Are they meant to evaluate the depth & breadth of belief? Can my answers to these questions (& myriad others like them) be plugged into a formula somewhere to determine whether or not my faith is valid? How does this help to uncover a life dedicated to loving God & loving people?

What it did to me – made me believe that God’s love for me was based on the amount of time I spent in these activities… rather than on the reason I was doing them in the first place – love for God. Made me wonder if I’d done enough. And then if I’d done it right. Made me measure myself against others – & their faith (based upon their own measurements…) As though. As if. When I had difficulties, I read more. Prayed more. Devoted more. All in the hope that it would make God happy enough to answer my prayer & deliver me from… what turned out to be me. A religious person. A self-righteous person. I knew the words, & often exactly the address where they were located in the book.. but I was miserable, & there was little to no evidence of a “life in its fullness…”

Sigh.

Ringing it in…

Posted on by

What does that mean? To “Ring in” the New Year? Does one need a bell to “Ring it in?” Hmm.

Reminds me of a time, two or ten that I spent “praying in” the New Year – the splanation being that it was a great way to start the year off. Perhaps, but it always felt contrived & forced to make the prayer happen, esp. if/when it required getting others to shut up from their deep ‘meaning of life’ conversations that they were having, & making them stop their games, loud happy interactions in order to join the somber prayer group (usually a circle) that would take turns trying to out “our Father,” each other. I tried so hard to make God happy… & to do what I thought a good Christian should do…

Looking back, I have regrets – I know that everyone does, but mine usually center on:

  • -things I’ve done that kept me at a distance from really knowing God, & from being myself
  • -things I’ve done, regardless of how well meaning I was, that ended up putting blockades between people being able to see Jesus as He is, replacing Him instead with religious verbiage, activities, & the like… I work hard & try intentionally not to do that…
  • -my relationship with my family – esp. my brother Moe – my talking too much, listening too little, & trying to make life & relationships fit into nice boxes. That one keeps me awake at night.
  • -pain caused to the Bean because of my desire (need? control issues?) to work my way into peace…

    I pray for the redemption of relationship with Moe – & that those that I violated, tripped up, put an obstacle course in front of would find their way through all the junk to the Real Thing that is the Word.

    • A Revolution of the Soul, end of 2007 reprise…

    Posted on by

    I’m learning to “BE.” As in “BE-ing” vs. “DO-ing,” doing meaning taking my sense of worth & value from accomplishments, a busy schedule, moving at a frenetic, production-mode pace.

    I haven’t gotten it down, & don’t know that I’ll ever hit the mark 100%, all the time. But I’m finding it easier & more natural to “BE,” & I think it is my preferable state.

    Over the last 18 months, I’ve been logging my journey (& our church family’s as well) into BE-ing through notes, a journal, a blog or 3, & a growing collection (library?) of audio/mp3/podcast files. I’m in the process (at month 4 as of today) of turning my/our journey, my notes, journal/blogs etc into a somewhat cohesive story. I’ve not done something of this scope before, though my HISTORY 300 (Historical Methods, Research, & Writing,) is coming in Oh So Handy.

    Hooray. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Thursday musings…

    Posted on by


    This has been a whirlwind of a week – starting off with a Christmas party Friday (during which I barfed up my dinner… sorry, no pictures) then Saturday’s worship team practice & 3/4’s of a work day, then to Sunday’s triple duty of worship, Learning Community, & Speeching; followed by packing up the gear & the fam & heading off to the happiest (merriest?) place in the world… Disneyland for a couple 18 hour days of fun @ both parks. A good time was had by all, especially at the fireworks display of 12/18, but the rush home to beat the storm (which we barely did) meant leaving at 7 a.m. 12/19. I’m still trying to catch my breath – & am greatly looking forward to Friday’s “Rest day lived for the sake of living.”

    Something is wrong. I know it, can tangibly feel it, & think that I can even identify it. Yet I don’t know that there’s anything for me to actually DO about what’s wrong… at least that I know of. Might be that I’m a bit delusional. Or hardening. Definitely sorrowful. A bit weepy. Christmastime exacerbates it. Cryptic, I know, however…

    On that note, something that popped up while in Deutschland in November – I was encouraged by several close friends to speak out what I am thinking; to stop leaving so much unsaid. BTW: or those of you that are right now contemplating a world where I talk MORE, not less, & wishing, hoping you will be far, far away from that world, sorry ’bout it. SIU. Suck it up.

    I don’t know or believe that this means all of my filters get removed, (now I’m scared.) But I do think that only about 5-10% of what I’m thinking (conversation, speeching, family interactions, friendships, work stuff, etc.) actually gets verbalized. I’ve started to speak it out & so far, so good. At least for me. I can’t say that others are equally as thrilled with the New Me as it has appeared in a Conversation Near You, but it’s real. Authentic. Truth in love-ish (to the best that I can.) And yes, I’ve had to ask forgiveness a couple of times too – but haven’t regretted it yet.

    Wish I would have bought the new Mickey Mouse watch. I’ve had mine on the left wrist for 13 years (save for the occasional bath/shower) & it has seen better days. Not currently running, but I am still wearing it. It is a reminder of one of the worst days I’ve ever had, as a man, a husband, & as a father. And also of the grace shown to me by my wife, the one who purchased it for me for our 5th anniversary (7/1/1989) on a day when I abandoned her in Disneyland with a 3 year old in a stroller, while she was several months pregnant with baby #2. All in the name of trying to be a good youth pastor, supervising students in the Park while my wife was left flying solo. Fortunately, a couple in our church, 15-20 years my senior, & also on the trip, were watching out for her & helped her with my son. I make myself sick even with the memory of it. I can’t believe I did that. All in the name of The Job for the Machine. And selfishness. What a tool am I. And she bought me a watch to say she loved me anyway.

    Reminds me of the depth of depravity of my soul. Sigh.

    End of the year stuff…

    Posted on by


    And the latest sign that December is here, that the year is just about to end…

    Two weeks ago, I got my notification from my wonderful insurance company – they’ve been purchased by a company known as HealthNet, which means that the premium gets to be ‘adjusted’ to meet the new boss’ bottom line… welcome to the world where the privilege of having a $5000 deductible has gone to $850/month.

    Had the insurance rep do some checking around – looks like I personally am uninsurable for anything less than this price because I’ve had surgery 2x in the last 10 years – both to fix hinges that had broken. So, now I’m trying to find an insurance plan that will cover the wife & kids for something less that the proverbial arm & leg & go with that… & then bank on the wonderful government of the USA to take care of my issues should I go Scarecrow from Oz…

    Come Lord.

    Wednesday musings…

    Posted on by
  • I’ve got 2 classes left for my German class – & I signed up for the next class, but I don’t think it will come off, as there’s only 3 other students so far. Sigh.

    • –

  • Went to the Cellar tonight for the intro to Scotch – a little historical background on what single malt Scotch is, where it comes from, & then a short round of tasting… My “sophisticated” palate was picking up the smoky flavor of burnt wood. Hmm. This is lost on scoeyd…

    • –

  • Going to Disneyland 12/16 for a couple of days with the fam. We’re aiming to get Ice-cream on Main Street… & to go on the rides in Frontierland… And Adventureland. Hooray!

    • –

  • This is my 1st Christmas in a long while where I won’t be seeing my good friend Opito. No worries, my friend. I’ll be pouring one out for you, my homie.

    • –

  • I’m feeling the impetus to write – & to block out time to do so… Lord, help me.

    • –

  • No sports for the kiddos right now. This should last through 12/10, if I’m fortunate. I’m soaking in it.

    • –

  • Being in control is an illusion… it’s more like realizing that I’m floating in a wave pool with a strong current that is currently moving in the same direction I want to go…

    • –

  • I want to be a good husband – which means learning to shut my face & listen more often… Ask me how that is working out for me so far… Just do so from beyond my arms reach.

    • ..
    –

  • Disappointment (hope deferred) is really, really crushing… esp. in some cases. Cryptic enough?

    • –

  • The writers strike has begun to effect me. When does Season 7 of 24 start?

    • –

  • On the TV note: what happened to Heroes? Did I miss something?

    • –

  • If I had to/have to get a real job, I wonder what I would do?

    • Good night now.

    Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

    taking the day…

    Posted on by

    Friday is the day off for me – I’ve done well @ keeping this time set apart & sacred, not-for-work-stuff, even when I’ve been travelling (very hard to do) & during the holidays (when everyone else is home, also tough to do.) It has taken a good chunk of self-discipline & work to keep my ‘sabbath’ day.

    Today, the Bean spent the day with friends, shopping, & shuttling – the kids went to school, & stayed home. Putt-putted around. Ate leftover ribs (from T-Gizzle… yes.) Washed clothes. Folded laundry. Loaded & unloaded the dishwasher. Vacuumed (my favorite home task. I love the little lines left in the carpet.) I watched Magnum P.I. Sat quietly in my purple chair, thinking about why Jesus came…

    In my ponderings, the phrase “it was for freedom that Christ has set us free” has been running through my head… Freedom is why Jesus came.

    I’ll be making some coffee, kicking back on the famed purple chair & pondering some more, this time with my best girl ever with me. Hmmm. Life is good. And beautiful.

    Ger-bloggin…

    Posted on by

    My 1st semester German class is drawing to a close; there are 5 classes left. The class that began with 30 students today had 5. We were all proverbially naked, laid bare in the eyes of Frau Carson. She has intensified the depth & amount of knowledge that she is forcing upon us. It’s interesting to me that as the people have dropped the class, she has shifted from teaching the class to reading the book to us, & then assigning vast amounts of homework.

    I believe that the work I’m doing now could possibly be done better on my own, with the book I purchased, in conjunction with a CD driven language learning program like Pimsleur than I am right now, & without the pressure of a ‘strong minded’ German woman making (or at least attempting to make) intimidating faces at me, compelling me to do better.

    It’s by the sheer force of will that I keep going – & that the Bean hasn’t melted yet. Sigh.