Tag Archives: Relationships

there & back again… Friday musings…

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I spent the 1st part of this week in Los Angeles… San Dimas, if you want to get specific… It’s the home of Bill & Ted, as well as Life Pacific College. I had the good fortune to be able to travel with Brother, & to hang out with some dear friends, both of whom there is years of history. Had gut level talks… listened… laughed a lot. Discovered a great pub, on St. Patrick’s Day to boot, one that specialized in Belgians… the set up of the pub reminded me a lot of the ‘traditional’ Frankfurt/Sachsenhausen restaurant, albeit with a long, tall table instead of a standard one. Great times.

On that note, Brother & I stayed in the dorms – Floor 3 of Bldg D, #315. Through a series of negotiations that I shall not get into here I ended up with the top bunk, which was a great gig once I found a way to actually GET to the top bunk. Ended up having to climb up the desk/bookshelf & then launch myself up & over the rail. It was quite the experience. Not as comfy as sleeping in my very own bed with my very own theBean, but it was cool – esp. with the novelty of sharing a room with buddies.

One of the highlights for me was sitting in on classes – Pentateuch/Torah, where the class was in the beginnings of working through Leviticus – talked about the theme being “Becoming who we are” – never heard it described that way. In light of that, the rituals (ceremonies, practices, daily reminders) lose their strange-ness, & take on a special quality… seeing a people be-becoming… learning to step into their calling & identity. Nice job David.

The other classes we went to were Biblical Preaching & a Youth Ministry seminar class, with 7 students who are already out & about involved in youth stuff. The professor had to go to a “meet & greet” for about 40 minutes, leaving Brother & I to talk to & with the students. It was a highlight, & really sparked me to remember how much I enjoy ‘school with a purpose’; learning, growing, being challenged in my thought processes, having to formulate new ideas & new conclusions. Good stuff.

One of the other reasons Brother & I were there was to explore some distance learning ops – not a whole lot has surfaced, but in some way we’ll be back at school, if only from afar.

It also spurred on & reignited some old ideas for a local institute within our church family – we’ll see.

At youth group right now we’re talking about “Image & Identity” – reflecting on the fact that we’ve been made in God’s image. We aren’t mistakes. Individually, we’ve been marked as God’s masterpieces, unique, special, & well-made, really coming to life in all of its fullness as we embrace who God made us to be.

And the enemy of that are the forces that exist to conform – reshape us, using a ‘1 size fits all’ approach. Its easy to look outward, to the country & culture that we’re living within… with its ideas about beauty, acceptable body shape, what to eat/drink, how to live… with the pressure to conform & take on behaviors & an ‘acceptable’ outward appearance to really fit in with those around us, even though it means living inauthentically based on someone else’s version of what I’m supposed to be & do.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about this, & what came up was the sneaky & insidious way this same type of thing exists within the Church… where the pressure to become a ‘good christian’ with approved & authorized ‘good christian behaviors, thoughts, characteristics, & preferences’ can seemingly force us into a mold where we’re just as focused on the outward appearance, going through the motions of living this ‘good christian life’ in order to gain the approval of others within the Machine. All in the name of becoming a disciple. But WHOSE disciple? Faking the funk, putting on a show that we’re outwardly ok, while dying on the inside – living in a virtual prison of not wanting to do the WRONG thing, leaves us undeveloped, immature, & fearful. Is this the ‘life in all of its fullness’ Jesus came to bring? Don’t think so.

Worse, the longer we go, the more difficult it can be to break out – because the longer we live the lie, the more fear & shame piles up, trapping us in a cycle of inaction.

Makes me think… The enemy isn’t always out THERE.

I’m stoked. Tonight, we get to go to Carson to hang with the Locke clan: brothers & fams. My dad’s birthday is tomorrow, & to celebrate, we’re gathering tonight for a Giant Apple Pancake (GAP.) Let me ‘splain.

Back in the day, momentous occasions in our household meant going to Johnny Ascuaga’s for a GAP – its a monstrous, dense, battered concoction, smothered with apples, cinnamon, butter, & powduhed sug-ah, then topped with syrup. The batter itself has to sit out for a day, & it takes at least 20 minutes to cook, & involves a ‘flipping of the Pancake” that can (& sometimes did) result in disaster. Going to Johnny A’s meant an adventure, not knowing if our delicacy would actually make it to the table intact, but that if it did, we were going to eat & eat well, at least until the sugar coma came on.

At some point, Johnny A realized that the GAP was more trouble than it was worth – to him at least – & stopped serving it. He did, however, put the recipe out for the adventurous soul that would try to recreate the greatness of the GAP.

My dad, being the brave soul that he is, took up that challenge, & over the years has become quite the GAP maker. Chef-like even, producing GAPs that rival the best I ever had at Johnny A’s, marking great days, holidays, & just becauses with sweetness.

But up until now, he’s the only one that knows what it takes to pull this off… I say until now, because we (me, brother Ben, & brother Moe & fams) have been invited to not only partake in the eating tonight, but also in the making, so that we too can carry on this great tradition of decadence. Ahh.

Should be fun.

Spring sports season is upon us. Pasty is in track. I-Doey is in baseball. TheWeez is a proper footballer (soccer to us ‘mericans) & I’m in softball. TheBean is breaking out her cheerleading outfit as I type… :)

Life is beautiful. Tim & David, thanks for a great week.

samson…

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One of the most mystifying characters in the Bible to me is Samson – a miracle baby born to a formerly infertile couple, a child whose birth is surrounded by promise of leading Israel to freedom from her oppressors; set aside as a Nazirite from birth. (Samson’s story is told HERE)

I never really understood how Samson could be one of the “heroes” in the BIble, let alone be used by God to be the leader/judge of Israel – when right smack dab in the middle of the story is the underlying subplot of his life: he disobeyed God regularly. He didn’t keep his Nazirite vows. He regularly had sexual encounters with prostitutes. He had a ‘thing’ for Philistine women – something that eventually ended up costing him his life.

One thing that I never read about, (& didn’t really notice until now,) is that in the story of Samson there isn’t any meaningful connection or friendship with guys mentioned- not even one. His use of women as sex objects is. His consistent chasing of Philistine women is; his making decisions on his own, relying on his ‘gifts, call, & talent” is.

Makes me wonder.

On that note, I came across this article – it explains a bit about the “Samson Society”, something I heard & read about last week; something that I mentioned HERE.

If you’re interested, the book is available HERE. I strongly recommend checking it out…

nobody’s fault but mine…

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This a.m. I’ve been listening to the 77’s cover of Zeppelin’s Nobody’s Fault But Mine. Sometimes I like to just put that song on “REPEAT” & listen to it over & over… either that or Akiko Suwanai’s performance of the Bach Violin Concertos…

I like both of these because they stimulate thought… & from my experience, there is nothing like Bach to bring one’s ideas together, to eliminate confusion, & set the tone for work, study, or… thinking…

One of the things that has been circling my brain is the (sudden?) realization that I would like to be able to assign (pass?) blame to others… & that it happens because I don’t want to take responsibility for myself. Here’s an example:

This morning, theBean & I were getting ready for the day, & she made a comment (shared an opinion) to/with me, & it bugged me. It MADE me angry. I could feel my mood, outlook, & attitude going south… & it was because of what SHE said. And I wanted to let her know it. So I did. Her response? “It’s your choice.” (NOTE: it wasn’t said with sarcasm. No “biting tone.” No flippancy. She just said it.)

“It’s your choice.” Something I say all the time – ALL the time. My dear friend Johannes used to say it to me in conversation – I loved to hear him say it with his American accent. I say it because it reminds me of him, & I try to say it like he does, which is almost always followed with a “Hmmm…”

As I sulked in the bathroom, my own words came back to me. There are somethings in life that I CAN’T choose, things that are beyond me – but there is a whole lot that I can. My responses are mine to choose – even in the face of disappointment, frustration, sadness, insecurity, fear… It’s my choice.

My attitude. My words. My actions.

And if I was going to sulk, pout, withdraw, get mad, be antagonistic, well…

…it’s nobody’s fault but mine…

thoughts on a Wednesday…

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Ever have one of those days/series of days, where it seems like you hear about the same thing from 10 different & totally unrelated sources? Me too. Last weeks accountability post was birthed out of a long series of interactions with people on the idea of ‘men’s ministry…’ something that has been about as attractive to me as playing in a Sani-Hut – I’ve not identified in the slightest with the Promise Keepers type man events… & the very thought of going to a stereotypical ‘men’s meeting’ has never appealed to me – & hasn’t been something that I’d want to be a part of.

I know that there are those that think, “Hey, you’re a pastor. You should (or at least your church should) have a Men’s Ministry.” I don’t agree – doing something just because its expected or because “this is what churches do” isn’t valid reasoning to me – if I didn’t believe in it, why would I fake it?

Yesterday, I was given a book by a friend – called Samson & The Pirate Monks. I ended up finishing it last night, & I would heartily recommend it to you – esp. if you’re a guy who hates (translation: isn’t “INTO” mens stuff.) I think what the author has created & is living out is do-able & even transferable from location to location… & sounds like something that I would want to go to, to prioritize, to evangelize about…

Friendship is a two-way street… It used to bug me when it seemed like I was carrying both sides of a relationship…. & it never occurred to me that if I was the only one calling, writing, trying to get together/keep in touch, that maybe, just maybe what we had wasn’t actual friendship. And when I came to that realization, rather than getting bugged or worked up, I had my epiphany & embraced it.

On that note, I’m ‘reminiscing’ about the Guy who came to our house for a College Group meeting… musta been about 5 years ago now. He came with his girl, & sat down at our kitchen table. He stood out because instead of facing the people in the room, he faced the wall. At least 3 people attempted to talk to him at various points in the meal, but its a hard thing to A) have a 1-way conversation, & B) to talk to someone who won’t look at you & is facing the wall. It was weird.

We moved from the kitchen to the living room, & the Guy, with his girl, left. Walked out. Hmm. More strange things afoot at the Circle K, but hey, there are all kinds of people in the world, & I just met one.

After the meeting, I checked my email, & lo & behold! I had received an email from the Guy. It was a long one; so long that I printed it out to be able to read the whole thing. He was writing to upbraid me & our clique of ‘so-called Christians’ – because he hadn’t been made to feel welcome. (Why it took 3 pages of vitriol & venom to say that, I don’t know, but it did.) It fired me up – because I saw what had happened that evening… normally, I would have just let it go, let it lie, but not this time. I wrote back a short response – & told him that I had a different perception of that evening, of the people in attendance, & also the responsibility that every single one of us has to ‘engage’ at some level.

Its a hard thing to watch.

I think that the christianity that I grew up on doesn’t reflect Biblical Christ-following, in that a large part of the emphasis has been on one’s “personal relationship with God through Jesus,” which has morphed into a “private” relationship with Jesus… as though we can work on & through a ‘relationship with God & Jesus” apart from interacting with people.

In actuality, my relationship with Christ is SHOWN by how I interact with others – how I treat my family. The way I value & show respect to others, even when (especially when?) they don’t agree with me. Its a farce to think that I can go read my Bible, pray, & then treat the humanity around me like crap, all the while thinking, “I’m growing as a christian.”

I think there’s a few posts in there.

My stomach hurts & I’m a little frustrated… or maybe disappointed. Not sure I can put a finger on it, or even if I need to.

restoration, baptism, & other musings…

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Yesterday our church family had a water baptism – within the larger church family our local church is a part of, water baptism is a celebration of the ‘new life’ that happens through Jesus Christ, & is an outward declaration of the inner-transformation taking place.

In the spring/summer, we use the river, & when its cold (meaning: winter) we use a local pool – NorthWest Pool is a fave. Family & friends are invited to be a part of the celebration – & for me, a highlight of the event is when each person being baptized gets an opportunity to share, out loud, WHY they’re choosing baptism, & the significance it has for them on this day.

Another favorite thing, if I’m one of the ‘dunkers’ (which I was yesterday,) is to pray a short prayer, a prayer of blessing over each person as soon as they come up out of the water – I like to freestyle – meaning: to pray what I hear in my heart – whatever gets stirred up by the Holy Spirit…

Yesterday, a series of Bible verses came up, over & over, all dealing with RESTORATION – just about every prayer – RESTORATION.

To me, its a reflection of God’s heart – the One who is gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, & rich in love. My mind is drawn to Joel 2, esp. verses 25-27 – where God promises His people that He will RESTORE to them what has been taken & lost – through their own choices, through atrocities & violations committed against them – God is the RESTORER; the One who makes all things new…

Something I’ve been learning over the last while is that working through grief over what has been lost isn’t a process that can be avoided or short-circuited. It can only be delayed… & from what I’ve experienced, un-mourned loss is like a credit card… it builds up, with compounding interest. And its easier to grieve something (& someone) in the here & now, than it is further down the road, separated by time & space from it.

I don’t want to dwell on loss & grief, but I’m not going to avoid it. Or deny it.

Actually, in the middle of the most bitter loss, the fiercest grief is one of the places I have sensed the deepest peace of God. And His comfort. The surety that He is with me, even in, especially at that time. And it doesn’t make the pain go away, but knowing He’s there is comforting.

So I’m holding onto restoration. On that note, here is a something that has been very personally significant to me on this:

What was lost in battle
What was taken unlawful
Where the enemy has planted his seed
And where health is ailin’
Where strength is failin’
I will restore to you all of this and more
I will restore to you all of this and more

CHORUS
I will restore, I will restore
I will restore to you all of this and more
I will restore, I will restore
I will restore to you all of this and more
I will restore to you all of this and more

Where your heart is breaking
And where dreams are forsaken
When it seems what was promised will not be given to you
And where peace is confusion
And reality an illusion
I will restore to you all of this and more

© w/m Richard Johnson

“I Will Restore”

pondering accountability & other thoughts…

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Maybe its the chili & cheese laced “Spicy Bite” from SEV, but I’m thinking deep thoughts, musing about days gone by, looking for answers & understanding…

Way back in the day when scoeyd was just a lad in high school, I went to a Summer camp where the speaker encouraged everybody to get an “accountability partner” – somebody that we knew that would ‘help us’ not to sin. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I figured that it was probably just me, & that later on in the cabin I’d be able to ask a counselor (back when calling somebody that didn’t suggest that they were a psychologist or anything – now they are called Cabin Leaders to avoid any confusion… as if…)

When I got back to the cabin, I asked a couple of friends if they knew what an accountability partner was. Nope. They’d heard of them before, but they, like me, had no clue. So together (there is strength in numbers) we went to one of our counselors, a guy that was probably 30 (ancient to me at that time,) & asked him if he knew what an “accountability partner” was?

He said something like,

“Yeah, dummies. Its a person more spiritual than you are that you tell your sins to. And all the stuff that tempts you. And then they ask you all the time if you’re doing those sins, & it keeps you from sinning because you don’t want to have to tell them about it…”

Hmm. That didn’t seem like something I wanted to do – for one it didn’t make sense to me; for another, why would I want to talk to somebody about something that personal & private if I didn’t know them? (And I was pretty sure I didn’t know any Spiritual people that I’d consider close enough to get that gut-level honest with.) So I filed the “accountability partner” suggestion in the mental drawer along with all the other christian instructions that I’d gotten til that point in life, the stuff I had no clue what to do with – my own mental X-Files, if you will.

Over time, I heard about accountability quite a bit more; that doesn’t mean I ever really understood it, & definitely didn’t have a clue how to be accountable, let alone “hold someone” accountable. Something just didn’t “click” for me – so I’d ask the person talking about accountability what they meant by it… what I heard (DISCLAIMER: remember this is me talking, processing, & wrestling through this, not making a definitive statements on my belief about “accountability” let alone God’s position on it…)

As described at large by well-meaning christians everywhere – Accountability:

  • is a forced & inauthentic relationship – not naturally developing

  • is one of those spiritual pursuits that one has to be forced into, for my own good

  • is something that puts responsibility for my thoughts, choices, & behaviors onto someone else – the person who is supposed to be “holding me” accountable – perhaps meaning that it’s not really my fault if I choose sin… if only they’d held me accountable better… ?

  • puts that person in a role of spiritual superior to me – kinda like my own personal assistant to the Holy Spirit

    • Hmmm.

    Didn’t sound right. Doesn’t sound right. There’s got to be something more… something missing.

    To me, some of the things that have been the most helpful to me in growing, developing, & maturing in my relationship with God are:

  • the realization that Jesus Christ has already done the hard work – & now I am responsible for me, my thoughts, choices, behaviors, & relationships – the good, the bad, the ugly. And I can’t (& shouldn’t try to) pass that responsibility on to anybody else.

  • the cultivation of authentic, connected, 2-way relationships – friendships – with people that accept me as I am, faults & strengths; that want to know me & to be known in return; that are humble, not self-righteous; that listen first, & then are willing to speak the truth to me in love… & hear it in return; that want to live as Christ-followers; are willing to be real & to own their own junk, (their own sinful nature, & propensity to wander…)

  • a willingness to learn from others – young & old; to be a life-long learner, even if I’m not in school; to cultivate curiosity & to seek out & follow rabbit trails in my studies… sometimes they’re divine rabbit trails… :)

  • to relentlessly, continuously, & without reservation keep at it.

    • Maybe in that, there is something of accountability – but its not formulaic or forced. It’s 2-way. It’s personally responsible. It’s growing. It’s graceful. It leaves room for error & failure, & is quick to forgive. It’s love, in action.

    Hmmm. I am fortunate – when I look at my life, I see lots of people that know me, really know me, & that I know back, sometimes in differing degrees… And I feel rich, & know that I’m a better man, friend, husband, father, brother, & son because of them.

    Hope…

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    It’s #2 sons 14th birthday today – tomorrow, early in the a.m. he & I are off to San Francisco for a one-day speed tour of the City. We’re going to AT &T Park for a tour; to Ghirardelli Square for some chocolate & na-nas; to Pier 39 for… Pier 39. And maybe the Hard Rock Cafe. And then we’re off to the University of California-San Francisco (UCSF) Medical Center. Why a hospital?

    #2 son has been asking a lot of questions about my brother Johnny – wanting to know him, reconstruct his likes/dislikes, experience the personality of the one uncle that he knows only through pictures, a few home videos, & the stories of those who knew him. A part of Johnny’s story involves his battle with cancer – & UCSF is where almost 5% of his life was lived – for treatment, recovery, & the like. And #2 son wants to know this place – & as difficult as it is for me to go there, with the painful memories, sorrow, & loss… we’re going.

    Makes me feel a bit pensive – leaves me wondering, examining how I see the world, or how I view it. The lens through which I see it, a lens that I believe I am responsible for putting on/taking off. Watching the news, checking in with Drudge, hearing story after story of the dismal economy, holiday season layoffs, record high home foreclosures, equally high number of bankruptcies, & a war in the Middle East that just doesn’t seem to get any closer to resolution… a lens of ‘reality’… reminds me that I want to, I need to choose something different.

    I don’t want to choose negativity, to speak words of ‘reality,’ death, nitpickiness, complaint, slander, criticism, harshness, destruction – over & about me or others. I think that I’m finding that a person will find just what it is that is looked for. And if my lens is negative, down, destructive, ‘reality based,’ I will find those things – & think on them. Talk about them. Spread the cloud of negativity like a flu-virus in the wintertime spreads.

    I’m challenged to take on a new lens, one that almost feels forced, like a new pair of glasses that have never been worn, all the while knowing that the new glasses are the right prescription, & they fit like they should – but I’m so used to ill-fitting, poorly prescribed glasses that the real deal, the good ones don’t seem right. Its upside down, & I want to be right side up.

    The new lens is to look to enjoy life’s relationships – rather than to pick them apart as inadequate, to place blame where its due -instead to be a radical extender of grace, esp. where it’s not ‘deserved’… as if I have deserved it ever? To look for joy instead of sorrow – to hope & to be filled with hope, even when the ‘track record’ tells me otherwise. To have faith, to believe against all odds that the One I serve really is able to move mountains. To perform what He says. To rescue. To deliverer. To transform.

    Maybe this makes me an optimist. A deny-er of so-called reality… So be it. And my answer to you is:

    Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things – trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that’s a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play-world. I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia…. [W]e’re leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Puddleglum – The Silver Chair, from The Chronicles of Narnia

    Here’s to looking for Overland.

    Mickey

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    My brother, Johnny, was something of an artist – & the thing that we all wanted him to draw for us was his “Mickey Mouse” – just Mickey’s head. He’d sign the bottom of the picture with a flourish… we had tons of them.

    Maybe it was because Disneyland is/was such a happy memory for all of us – one of our favorite places on earth to go together & spend time & build shared memories. Perhaps it was the Mickey Mouse pancakes that we ate at the River Belle Terrace… (which, by the way, my dad could make better & more of, for cheaper… :)

    When Johnny got sick, drawing Mickey was a miniature vacation, I think, for him & for us. Throughout the illness & treatment, Mickey (along with baseball cards,) remained a way to escape the reality of what was going on, if just for a few minutes.

    Here I am 18 years after his death, missing him. I regret that my 3 kids never got to know my brother personally… I am intentionally & purposefully trying to help them get to know Johnny & what he was like through stories, pictures, & the little things he liked & disliked.

    And one of the things he liked, was Mickey. And when Mickey Mouse is around, it doesn’t seem like my brother is so far away, & it gives me hope for the time when we’ll be reunited.

    Last Saturday, I got a Mickey tattoo on my left shoulder blade – because it reminds me of my brother, John Leavy Locke.

    Friends #6 – Or more off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts

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    About 3 years ago, I read one of the most influential books I’ve ever come across – called, Love Is A Choice. It made an impact because it brought to light & illustrated the human condition & how/why we connect with others… esp. in unhealthy, selfish, &/or destructive ways.

    One of the things that stood out to me, (at least from the thoughts that ended up being provoked OUT of having read it,) was that in order for a friendship to be healthy & life-giving, both parties had to be ‘givers’ (my word;) nurturing, feeding, building up the relationship & the other person – a relationship where 1/both are ‘takers’ (again, my word) ends up with 1/both being taken advantage of, used & abused, all in the name of friendship.

    It made me think about what I’ve tolerated (& also watched others tolerate) in the name of “keeping a friendship.” Things like:

  • 1 persons constant tardiness or not showing up at all, & when they’re questioned, saying, “Oh, I was busy,” or offering up some other excuse. Always.
  • The blowing up in rage, pouting in petulance, avoiding in silent treatment upon saying “No” to a request (demand?), & seeing the behaviors (& acceptance) change only upon giving the “right” answer, “YES!” – do what I want.
  • 1 person being the one that kept communication going – in emails, letters, phone calls, with the other always being ‘too busy’ or ‘not good at” initiating contact.
  • Having been asked, “if you see something in what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, places I’m going that seem destructive, would you please tell me?” & actually believing it & doing it, to find that what you end up with is a person that ‘dumps’ you from the friendship because of what you’ve said, finding out too late that the fine sounding words spoken in a point of seeming relational intimacy were not quite what was meant.
  • hearing from someone just when they need something, & going weeks, months, & even years when they don’t.
  • Not being able to talk about anything significant or important to being really real friends, because it just might upset the other person – meaning we wouldn’t be able to maintain the minimal & surface-ey contact we have.

    Maybe it’s just that I have a different set of definitions when it comes to what a friend is & what a friend does & doesn’t do. Maybe it’s not being willing any longer to live with the sham of “as long as you’re feeling ok & not offended today,” relationships. Maybe it’s being tired of carrying both sides of the relationship. Maybe it’s the realization that there are many, many great people that hold a high value on true friendship that makes fakin’ the funk not worth it, no matter how long standing the contact or how much water has gone under the bridge…

    Hmmm.

    • Friends #5 – More thoughts & randomness, or "et tu Brute’?"

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    We will all be let down, disappointed, & hurt by friends. We will all let down, disappoint, & hurt friends. It happens, & will happen – & a lot of the time it will be unintentional, due to funky circumstances, the pace of life, bad planning &/or bad choices. If I’m expecting a friend to be perfect, to always ‘be there’ or ‘be here’ (pick your location… those two phrases drive me nuts anyway…) I’m putting unrealistic expectation on them – expectations that only Jesus could fulfill – so I have to know how to communicate through & about hurt feelings, frustrations, & disappointments… & know that friends, real friends will do this. And are worth the same love, acceptance, & forgiveness that I hope to receive when I biff it.

    Julius Caesar was murdered on the ides of March, (the 15th for those people in the real world.) It was a terrible murder carried out by a mob of Roman senators… but perhaps the most brutal part of the whole thing was Caesar’s seeing his friend, his best friend, Brutus, with a knife in his hand, waiting to plunge it into Caesar’s back. And Caesar is incredulous, he can’t believe what is happening, what has happened, what Brutus has done. And that’s when he utters the famous line, “You too, Brutus?”
    It’s really a great picture of what I’m talking about (esp. in Shakespeare’s version of it.)

    Betrayal of friendship, real, deep, true friendship is different than being let down or disappointed – I believe it involves intentionality, pride, spitefulness, & it leaves the deepest wounds – because the wounds come from someone who with whom you’ve been transparent, open, intimate… someone that’s been trusted implicitly. And when the betrayal comes, it feels like something unreal has happened… almost like right after a car-accident, where you’re in shock, & can’t quite clear your head, like you’re dreaming & just need to roll over in order to wake up & see life restored to being “alls as it should be.” But it doesn’t happen. And the unbelief of what has happened lingers, & the sting deepens.

    In my studies for the Growing Up series, I discovered that this type of act in a friendship would fall under the category of a tragic loss – & is different than a “transitional loss” where people, due to distance, changing jobs, value & priority shifts, grow apart & see the ‘level’ of friendship diminish, not based on something destructive that has happened, but based on ‘less time, energy, & resources’ expended to maintain the friendship.

    The tragic loss is just what it sounds – almost like a divorce, the discovery of a terrible disease, the uncovering of infidelity – it’s not something that one just puts on the British ‘stiff upper lip” & moves on. It’s something that MUST be grieved… because otherwise, it becomes a life changing event, the kind of event where a person makes vows never to ‘trust anyone that deeply’ again. They shut down. Stop risking & stop growing. Treat everyone as ‘just another person that is going to hurt me.’

    Once again, I find myself reading David’s laments in the Psalms – he has experienced this & writes:

    It is not an enemy who taunts me— I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God. Let death seize my enemies by surprise; let the grave swallow them alive, for evil makes its home within them. But I will call on God, and the LORD will rescue me. Psalm 55:12-16 NLT

    I don’t know what events or what friendship David was referring to – it might have been the betrayal by Ahithophel, his trusted friend & advisor (the history on that starts in 2Samuel 15,) or something else. I just know that when I read Psalm 55, it resonated.

    At a time like that, all I want to do is hide in my dark closet, & never come out. What I usually do is cry out to God – with cries & sometimes some loud yells. Pain hurts, & sometimes a gut-blasting yell is just what the doctor ordered, though may not be good on the vocal cords.

    Maybe its the telling Him exactly what I feel & think – the hurt & disappointment, the sting of the poison, but there is always a point of relief, or at least His peace that comes alongside at that very moment. Its not like the pain goes away, but the edge & the bitterness are gone, as is the desire to never risk again.

    And usually what happens is I get really thankful for my friends. And determine to be a good friend to them.