musings on the 1st of July

Let’s just say that I’ve been a bit… deliberate in my blogging the last few weeks… meaning, its been slow. Not because there’s nothing to blog about, (because, really, has that ever stopped me before,) but rather because I’m processing in my head. And I’m back, with an intent to bring the cheese.


Today is anniversary #20 of my marriage to theBean. When I think back through all the little ‘coincidences’ that led to us connecting that 3rd week of June, 1988, it boggles my mind. Perhaps I’ll spend a little time revisiting the birth of our adventure.

I’m not much of a Destiny believer (meaning: there’s 1 person out there for me & Destiny will bring us to-gev-uh…) which automatically identifies me as a “chick-flick hater” (not true: I’ll watch ’em. Just don’t buy into ’em.) And as a “non-romantic” (also not true: I may not be the Dr. of Love, but I have been known to be able to romance, wine, & dine my girl…)

However, there were more than a few ‘what if’s’ that had to come together – when I was reminiscing about that with theBean, I asked her, “How could I get so lucky that you would love ME?” She said, “Hmm. Good question. You must’ve just been in the right place at the right time…” With a smile.


I was thinking about my life, & wondering if I would enjoy it if my job had a “summer break” – like my 3 kids do. Sometimes, the loads of free time, lounging around, doing whatever, whenever, however seems attractive. And then I realize that one of life’s great joys is the ability to do something with purpose…

Mind you, I’m not talking about deriving my worth from work; instead, its knowing that my life matters. Being able to put my hands to something, to give my all & do my best plays a role in the feeling of contentment. I’ve been reading through Ecclesiastes & found something that sums that up for me:

Here is what I have seen to be and fitting: to eat, to drink, & enjoy oneself in all one’s labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward…Ecclesiastes 5:18 NASB

Perhaps the doldrums, depression, & discontent come from not having something to apply one’s hands to? Not just a job, but a place to volunteer, help out, give of oneself. Hmmm.


Just booked my time at CSR for the 3rd week of August. Me & theBean spent some time there last year & it was life-changing. If you’d like to reminisce (I know I did!) you can check out the posts from last August HERE


Current reading list:

  • Love, Acceptance, & Forgiveness – the re-release by Jerry Cook. Sweet. It just came out, & I can’t put it down.
  • Mother Kirk – by Douglas Wilson – a study in practical ecclesiology (the study of church doctrine,) in the reformed tradition… Hmmm.
  • The Mishnah – though I’m using it more as a resource & research book rather than reading through it cover to cover…
  • Emotionally Healthy Spirituality – Peter Scazzero – revisiting this in advance of my solo August journey to CSR…

    Time to go work out. Then home to shower, put on my foo-foo clothes, & out to dinner (which will be, most likely a slab of beef,) with my One, myBean, the love of my life, mother of my children, most B-E-A-Utiful woman in the entire world…

    Sigh.

  • rain down…

    I was talking to the kids yesterday during our most recent downpour… just soaking in (literally) the smell of the rain, which is one of my favorite smells in the whole world (next to the purple meets cotton candy fragrance that theBean wears.) One of them said, “Dad, all this rain isn’t NORMAL, is it?”

    Thought about it for a minute & answered: “Nope. But I’m not complaining. Let’s enjoy it while its here…” And we are.


    Made it to & through Convention/Connection unscathed. Convicted. Challenged. Loved by friends & fam. Blessed with a surprise trip to Disneyland, my favorite place to go ever (right next to minor-league baseball parks…) But unscathed. Maybe a little larger in the soul. I’m believing for it.


    Just passed the time of year when I’d normally be in Frankfurt for my Spring visit to our sister church – this year’s visit will have to wait until November. I’m missing friends.


    Don’t know if its all the sitting last week that aggravated a stiff back, or something else… but I’ve been having intermittent back spasms up & down since last Friday. No buono… Which is why I go see Dr. G, & then things feel better. Less twisty, that’s for sure.


    I don’t have a map. Or a blueprint. Lost them a few years ago, back in the days when I was a lot smarter than I am now, & knew what I was going to do & how I was going to do it. Got reminded of that last week.


    By the way… don’t tell my 3 kids – It only looks like I’m winging this whole “dad” thing because… I am.

    Jesus! Help me!


    In the next few days, I’ll be painting over a mural that has got painted in my office in April 2000. Its time for change. I’m thinking a Tolkien theme. Or at least, I am going to hang my now homeless (room-less?) LOTR posters… because they can’t stay where they are now. Sorry Frodo. Sam. Strider. But now you get to be with me in my office.


    Either my feet are growing, or my shoes are shrinking.


    I ate at The Cheesecake Factory 4 times while in Anaheim. Man, I can get used to that place, esp. the Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake. I dreamt about it last night. Truly.

    On that note, I heard a rumor that the Reno/Sparks area (Scheels) will get one of those if the shops in the area can boost their annual sales to Cheesecake Factory standards. Oh please, oh please.


    Reading through my Complete Jewish Bible, musing through Mishlei/Proverbs, pondering 17:17

    A friend shows his friendship at all times – it is for adversity that {such} a brother is born.

    The longer I live, the more I realize my need for friends – real friends who will stick with me, through thick & thin, in spite of my issues, who love me enough to tell me the truth & not just blow smoke…

    love

    This afternoon theWeez & I are headed to Anaheim for our denominations convention – its an all week-er. My preparations for the trip have involved not only the usual packing issues like: “how small of a suitcase can I get away with packing in?” & “do I really need that many shirts?” but have also involved more introspection & self-examination than even I’m used to.

    Sometimes people bug me – situations bug me – church people who can & do only talk about church bug me… going to convention provides opportunity to spend ample time doing all 3 of those things… & I want to have as little time around the source & cause of my supposed issues as possible.

    And then in the middle of my 2nd pot of coffee, I realize that I need love…to freely give it the way I’ve received it. To see people as God sees them, not through jaded & selfish eyes. Not in the Bud-Light “I love you man” way either – but to love, authentically, consistently, & without measure.

    So that’s my prayer for today – LORD, fill me with your love. New eyes. Not focused just on me.

    Tuesday afternoon…

    Life has settled into a familiar rhythm… familiar for Spring that is. Spring football practice for Pasty. Baseball 3 nights a week for I-Doey. Soccer just around the corner for theWeez. Soffa-baru 2 nights for me. Sometimes the events are all at the same place. Hmmm.

    It doesn’t FEEL hectic… it just means that our ‘free-time’ is spoken for, & we get to hang with each other in a different environment than home. And on a beautiful Nevada evening, there’s nothing better.


    I’m a people watcher. Last night at I-Doey’s game, I observed a mom with 4 kids in tow, probably between the ages of 3 & 10, 2 boys & 2 girls. She attempted, vainly, to get them to sit & watch the game. The 2 youngest (the boys) were all over the place, & were pretty active, even according to The scoey d Standard of Active-ness.

    Finally, the seemingly frustrated mom got up & said in her best “momma ain’t happy, so there ain’t no one gonna be happy” voice:

    All of you. Stop now! Come with me!

    With all 4 kids in tow, mom obviously fired up, the youngest got a big smile on his face & asked her:

    Mommy! Is this a privilege? Is this a privilege?

    She was not amused.

    But I sure was.


    Today is my mom’s birthday… & I’m musing on the fact that I am currently 10 years older than she is. Or will be. And the gap will grow.


    I’m trying to gear myself up for a week away from theBean next week. While she is holding down the proverbial fort, I will be going to Anaheim for the yearly Foursquare Convention er… ‘Connection’. It’s the gathering for the denomination that our church family belongs to. Convention is called Connection because…

    TheWeez is coming with… Lucky me. She just came out & declared her undying love & devotion for the Boston Red Sox of all teams. Fortunately, I know that she is just saying this due to her undying love & devotion that she has for a certain Red Sox fan who shall remain nameless.


    The monastery that theMoses, Brother, & I went to in March 2008 supports itself with the proceeds they make off of the vineyard on their property. While we were there, we visited their wine shop for a tasting. Great vino…

    So I joined their Wine Club. Next week, the ‘spring shipment’ comes out. Sweet. Should be here when I get back from Connection…

    monday musings…


    Home after a great weekend spent in Portland with theBean’s cousin Christy & her husband Levi. And their little dog Winston. It turns out after 3 days together, we remembered to take 2 pictures. 2. Silly us. Hopefully, we can snag some of the pics that Levi & his family took when they came over for dinner on Saturday…

    Christy is 9 years younger than theBean & was the flower girl in our wedding… it rained (not unusual for Portland :) which was beautiful. I loved the steady but tolerable showers, the cloudy-overcastness, the glimmers of sun breaking through the clouds for seconds at a time. The food they cooked for us was incredible, & we hope to get several of the recipes to make our own…

    Both Levi & Christy work at Multnomah University, which is about 5 minutes walk from their house. As I’ve stated before, I absolutely love the higher ed environment, & my recent grad school pursuits were really fired up seeing the school & talking through all the ed. options that Levi will be exploring. Lucky.

    Words can’t really describe the impact of the weekend – catching up with Levi & Christy; watching theBean with her cousin, & finding how eerily similar they are. Like the same foods. Can’t breathe too well through their noses. Both think they’re pretty funny & laugh quite a bit. Have an interesting time pronouncing certain words, esp. words with an “S”. It was priceless.

    Makes me wonder about the power & wonder of knowing & being known… & the comfort & encouragement of seeing someone that is ‘like’ you… hmmm…


    Came home to sun. I love Reno. Clear blue skies. Light wind. Still manages to be freezing cold at night. I love it!


    4+ mile run with Brother today… the good news is that I’m still feeling it… hips, knees, ankles are doing well, which makes me happy. I’m working up to a regular schedule of 5 miles (3-4x/week) & hope to do a 10K one of these days.


    Reading through CS Lewis’ sci-fi trilogy... just finished the 1st one, & started Perelandra last night… Thursday, I start the finale…

    I enjoy the trilogy because the main character, E. Ransom, is based on JRR Tolkien… & at the same time is a completely unexceptional individual… whom nonetheless is chosen for an extraordinary series of missions, to battle evil incarnate with seemingly nothing but his wits & a growing spiritual sensitivity… good times.


    Finally caught the BSG finale. Meh.

    there & back again… Friday musings…

    I spent the 1st part of this week in Los Angeles… San Dimas, if you want to get specific… It’s the home of Bill & Ted, as well as Life Pacific College. I had the good fortune to be able to travel with Brother, & to hang out with some dear friends, both of whom there is years of history. Had gut level talks… listened… laughed a lot. Discovered a great pub, on St. Patrick’s Day to boot, one that specialized in Belgians… the set up of the pub reminded me a lot of the ‘traditional’ Frankfurt/Sachsenhausen restaurant, albeit with a long, tall table instead of a standard one. Great times.


    On that note, Brother & I stayed in the dorms – Floor 3 of Bldg D, #315. Through a series of negotiations that I shall not get into here I ended up with the top bunk, which was a great gig once I found a way to actually GET to the top bunk. Ended up having to climb up the desk/bookshelf & then launch myself up & over the rail. It was quite the experience. Not as comfy as sleeping in my very own bed with my very own theBean, but it was cool – esp. with the novelty of sharing a room with buddies.


    One of the highlights for me was sitting in on classes – Pentateuch/Torah, where the class was in the beginnings of working through Leviticus – talked about the theme being “Becoming who we are” – never heard it described that way. In light of that, the rituals (ceremonies, practices, daily reminders) lose their strange-ness, & take on a special quality… seeing a people be-becoming… learning to step into their calling & identity. Nice job David.

    The other classes we went to were Biblical Preaching & a Youth Ministry seminar class, with 7 students who are already out & about involved in youth stuff. The professor had to go to a “meet & greet” for about 40 minutes, leaving Brother & I to talk to & with the students. It was a highlight, & really sparked me to remember how much I enjoy ‘school with a purpose’; learning, growing, being challenged in my thought processes, having to formulate new ideas & new conclusions. Good stuff.


    One of the other reasons Brother & I were there was to explore some distance learning ops – not a whole lot has surfaced, but in some way we’ll be back at school, if only from afar.

    It also spurred on & reignited some old ideas for a local institute within our church family – we’ll see.


    At youth group right now we’re talking about “Image & Identity” – reflecting on the fact that we’ve been made in God’s image. We aren’t mistakes. Individually, we’ve been marked as God’s masterpieces, unique, special, & well-made, really coming to life in all of its fullness as we embrace who God made us to be.

    And the enemy of that are the forces that exist to conform – reshape us, using a ‘1 size fits all’ approach. Its easy to look outward, to the country & culture that we’re living within… with its ideas about beauty, acceptable body shape, what to eat/drink, how to live… with the pressure to conform & take on behaviors & an ‘acceptable’ outward appearance to really fit in with those around us, even though it means living inauthentically based on someone else’s version of what I’m supposed to be & do.

    I was talking to a friend yesterday about this, & what came up was the sneaky & insidious way this same type of thing exists within the Church… where the pressure to become a ‘good christian’ with approved & authorized ‘good christian behaviors, thoughts, characteristics, & preferences’ can seemingly force us into a mold where we’re just as focused on the outward appearance, going through the motions of living this ‘good christian life’ in order to gain the approval of others within the Machine. All in the name of becoming a disciple. But WHOSE disciple? Faking the funk, putting on a show that we’re outwardly ok, while dying on the inside – living in a virtual prison of not wanting to do the WRONG thing, leaves us undeveloped, immature, & fearful. Is this the ‘life in all of its fullness’ Jesus came to bring? Don’t think so.

    Worse, the longer we go, the more difficult it can be to break out – because the longer we live the lie, the more fear & shame piles up, trapping us in a cycle of inaction.

    Makes me think… The enemy isn’t always out THERE.


    I’m stoked. Tonight, we get to go to Carson to hang with the Locke clan: brothers & fams. My dad’s birthday is tomorrow, & to celebrate, we’re gathering tonight for a Giant Apple Pancake (GAP.) Let me ‘splain.

    Back in the day, momentous occasions in our household meant going to Johnny Ascuaga’s for a GAP – its a monstrous, dense, battered concoction, smothered with apples, cinnamon, butter, & powduhed sug-ah, then topped with syrup. The batter itself has to sit out for a day, & it takes at least 20 minutes to cook, & involves a ‘flipping of the Pancake” that can (& sometimes did) result in disaster. Going to Johnny A’s meant an adventure, not knowing if our delicacy would actually make it to the table intact, but that if it did, we were going to eat & eat well, at least until the sugar coma came on.

    At some point, Johnny A realized that the GAP was more trouble than it was worth – to him at least – & stopped serving it. He did, however, put the recipe out for the adventurous soul that would try to recreate the greatness of the GAP.

    My dad, being the brave soul that he is, took up that challenge, & over the years has become quite the GAP maker. Chef-like even, producing GAPs that rival the best I ever had at Johnny A’s, marking great days, holidays, & just becauses with sweetness.

    But up until now, he’s the only one that knows what it takes to pull this off… I say until now, because we (me, brother Ben, & brother Moe & fams) have been invited to not only partake in the eating tonight, but also in the making, so that we too can carry on this great tradition of decadence. Ahh.

    Should be fun.


    Spring sports season is upon us. Pasty is in track. I-Doey is in baseball. TheWeez is a proper footballer (soccer to us ‘mericans) & I’m in softball. TheBean is breaking out her cheerleading outfit as I type… :)


    Life is beautiful. Tim & David, thanks for a great week.

    samson…

    One of the most mystifying characters in the Bible to me is Samson – a miracle baby born to a formerly infertile couple, a child whose birth is surrounded by promise of leading Israel to freedom from her oppressors; set aside as a Nazirite from birth. (Samson’s story is told HERE)

    I never really understood how Samson could be one of the “heroes” in the BIble, let alone be used by God to be the leader/judge of Israel – when right smack dab in the middle of the story is the underlying subplot of his life: he disobeyed God regularly. He didn’t keep his Nazirite vows. He regularly had sexual encounters with prostitutes. He had a ‘thing’ for Philistine women – something that eventually ended up costing him his life.

    One thing that I never read about, (& didn’t really notice until now,) is that in the story of Samson there isn’t any meaningful connection or friendship with guys mentioned- not even one. His use of women as sex objects is. His consistent chasing of Philistine women is; his making decisions on his own, relying on his ‘gifts, call, & talent” is.

    Makes me wonder.


    On that note, I came across this article – it explains a bit about the “Samson Society”, something I heard & read about last week; something that I mentioned HERE.

    If you’re interested, the book is available HERE. I strongly recommend checking it out…

    nobody’s fault but mine…

    This a.m. I’ve been listening to the 77’s cover of Zeppelin’s Nobody’s Fault But Mine. Sometimes I like to just put that song on “REPEAT” & listen to it over & over… either that or Akiko Suwanai’s performance of the Bach Violin Concertos…

    I like both of these because they stimulate thought… & from my experience, there is nothing like Bach to bring one’s ideas together, to eliminate confusion, & set the tone for work, study, or… thinking…

    One of the things that has been circling my brain is the (sudden?) realization that I would like to be able to assign (pass?) blame to others… & that it happens because I don’t want to take responsibility for myself. Here’s an example:

    This morning, theBean & I were getting ready for the day, & she made a comment (shared an opinion) to/with me, & it bugged me. It MADE me angry. I could feel my mood, outlook, & attitude going south… & it was because of what SHE said. And I wanted to let her know it. So I did. Her response? “It’s your choice.” (NOTE: it wasn’t said with sarcasm. No “biting tone.” No flippancy. She just said it.)


    “It’s your choice.” Something I say all the time – ALL the time. My dear friend Johannes used to say it to me in conversation – I loved to hear him say it with his American accent. I say it because it reminds me of him, & I try to say it like he does, which is almost always followed with a “Hmmm…”

    As I sulked in the bathroom, my own words came back to me. There are somethings in life that I CAN’T choose, things that are beyond me – but there is a whole lot that I can. My responses are mine to choose – even in the face of disappointment, frustration, sadness, insecurity, fear… It’s my choice.

    My attitude. My words. My actions.

    And if I was going to sulk, pout, withdraw, get mad, be antagonistic, well…

    …it’s nobody’s fault but mine…

    thoughts on a Wednesday…

    Ever have one of those days/series of days, where it seems like you hear about the same thing from 10 different & totally unrelated sources? Me too. Last weeks accountability post was birthed out of a long series of interactions with people on the idea of ‘men’s ministry…’ something that has been about as attractive to me as playing in a Sani-Hut – I’ve not identified in the slightest with the Promise Keepers type man events… & the very thought of going to a stereotypical ‘men’s meeting’ has never appealed to me – & hasn’t been something that I’d want to be a part of.

    I know that there are those that think, “Hey, you’re a pastor. You should (or at least your church should) have a Men’s Ministry.” I don’t agree – doing something just because its expected or because “this is what churches do” isn’t valid reasoning to me – if I didn’t believe in it, why would I fake it?

    Yesterday, I was given a book by a friend – called Samson & The Pirate Monks. I ended up finishing it last night, & I would heartily recommend it to you – esp. if you’re a guy who hates (translation: isn’t “INTO” mens stuff.) I think what the author has created & is living out is do-able & even transferable from location to location… & sounds like something that I would want to go to, to prioritize, to evangelize about…


    Friendship is a two-way street… It used to bug me when it seemed like I was carrying both sides of a relationship…. & it never occurred to me that if I was the only one calling, writing, trying to get together/keep in touch, that maybe, just maybe what we had wasn’t actual friendship. And when I came to that realization, rather than getting bugged or worked up, I had my epiphany & embraced it.


    On that note, I’m ‘reminiscing’ about the Guy who came to our house for a College Group meeting… musta been about 5 years ago now. He came with his girl, & sat down at our kitchen table. He stood out because instead of facing the people in the room, he faced the wall. At least 3 people attempted to talk to him at various points in the meal, but its a hard thing to A) have a 1-way conversation, & B) to talk to someone who won’t look at you & is facing the wall. It was weird.

    We moved from the kitchen to the living room, & the Guy, with his girl, left. Walked out. Hmm. More strange things afoot at the Circle K, but hey, there are all kinds of people in the world, & I just met one.

    After the meeting, I checked my email, & lo & behold! I had received an email from the Guy. It was a long one; so long that I printed it out to be able to read the whole thing. He was writing to upbraid me & our clique of ‘so-called Christians’ – because he hadn’t been made to feel welcome. (Why it took 3 pages of vitriol & venom to say that, I don’t know, but it did.) It fired me up – because I saw what had happened that evening… normally, I would have just let it go, let it lie, but not this time. I wrote back a short response – & told him that I had a different perception of that evening, of the people in attendance, & also the responsibility that every single one of us has to ‘engage’ at some level.

    Its a hard thing to watch.


    I think that the christianity that I grew up on doesn’t reflect Biblical Christ-following, in that a large part of the emphasis has been on one’s “personal relationship with God through Jesus,” which has morphed into a “private” relationship with Jesus… as though we can work on & through a ‘relationship with God & Jesus” apart from interacting with people.

    In actuality, my relationship with Christ is SHOWN by how I interact with others – how I treat my family. The way I value & show respect to others, even when (especially when?) they don’t agree with me. Its a farce to think that I can go read my Bible, pray, & then treat the humanity around me like crap, all the while thinking, “I’m growing as a christian.”

    I think there’s a few posts in there.


    My stomach hurts & I’m a little frustrated… or maybe disappointed. Not sure I can put a finger on it, or even if I need to.


    restoration, baptism, & other musings…

    Yesterday our church family had a water baptism – within the larger church family our local church is a part of, water baptism is a celebration of the ‘new life’ that happens through Jesus Christ, & is an outward declaration of the inner-transformation taking place.

    In the spring/summer, we use the river, & when its cold (meaning: winter) we use a local pool – NorthWest Pool is a fave. Family & friends are invited to be a part of the celebration – & for me, a highlight of the event is when each person being baptized gets an opportunity to share, out loud, WHY they’re choosing baptism, & the significance it has for them on this day.

    Another favorite thing, if I’m one of the ‘dunkers’ (which I was yesterday,) is to pray a short prayer, a prayer of blessing over each person as soon as they come up out of the water – I like to freestyle – meaning: to pray what I hear in my heart – whatever gets stirred up by the Holy Spirit…

    Yesterday, a series of Bible verses came up, over & over, all dealing with RESTORATION – just about every prayer – RESTORATION.


    To me, its a reflection of God’s heart – the One who is gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, & rich in love. My mind is drawn to Joel 2, esp. verses 25-27 – where God promises His people that He will RESTORE to them what has been taken & lost – through their own choices, through atrocities & violations committed against them – God is the RESTORER; the One who makes all things new…


    Something I’ve been learning over the last while is that working through grief over what has been lost isn’t a process that can be avoided or short-circuited. It can only be delayed… & from what I’ve experienced, un-mourned loss is like a credit card… it builds up, with compounding interest. And its easier to grieve something (& someone) in the here & now, than it is further down the road, separated by time & space from it.

    I don’t want to dwell on loss & grief, but I’m not going to avoid it. Or deny it.

    Actually, in the middle of the most bitter loss, the fiercest grief is one of the places I have sensed the deepest peace of God. And His comfort. The surety that He is with me, even in, especially at that time. And it doesn’t make the pain go away, but knowing He’s there is comforting.


    So I’m holding onto restoration. On that note, here is a something that has been very personally significant to me on this:

    What was lost in battle
    What was taken unlawful
    Where the enemy has planted his seed
    And where health is ailin’
    Where strength is failin’
    I will restore to you all of this and more
    I will restore to you all of this and more

    CHORUS
    I will restore, I will restore
    I will restore to you all of this and more
    I will restore, I will restore
    I will restore to you all of this and more
    I will restore to you all of this and more

    Where your heart is breaking
    And where dreams are forsaken
    When it seems what was promised will not be given to you
    And where peace is confusion
    And reality an illusion
    I will restore to you all of this and more

    © w/m Richard Johnson

    “I Will Restore”