Tag Archives: Musings

Summer…

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It’s hard to remember how cold it was just a couple of months ago. Especially when its 95 in the shade of my porch, & the only respite is a hot breeze that feeds the desire to go inside & hide until it goes away.

Rollercoasters are fun to ride – esp. when you don’t quite know just when the car you’re in is going to jerk down in a big rush… the same can’t be said for the rollercoasters of life.

I meant to do something spontaneous today & it turns out that by the time I was ready for the spontaneity, it was time for me to go plan my little escapade… I tried to plan it out, but it just didn’t happen. Maybe tomorrow. Or Thursday. I’m leaning towards something spontaneous on Thursday.

The anticipation I feel waiting for something to come in the mail is rivaled by all the emotions I felt awaiting Christmas. Or my birthday. Or the opening of the LOTR trilogy. I love eBay purchases.

Wondering about the AAA baseball team coming our way, which was confirmed by the way by Destro’s actually WORKING on the stadium that is being built in downtown Reno. I can’t wait. & hope to get season tickets to be enjoyed with friends. I love baseball. I wonder why that is?

July 11 & 18th seem to be big days for the next round of ‘new’ TV shows to come out. Like Stargate Atlantis. Monk. And other stuff. That’s only a week away. Yay.

I’m still working on my people pleasing post.

Baby Todd could entertain me for hours with her head bobbing & Harpo Marx face. I could use it about now too. When life is out of perspective, there’s nothing like Baby Todd for a little levity. And she thinks I’m cool. Which shouldn’t be a negative reflection on her, as she’s a baby, & doesn’t know any better.

There’s lots of heavy stuff in life. Expectations of self are up there with the heaviest.

Reading in silence is one of life’s greatest pleasures, right up there with Fantasy Football. Only 1 more month, baby.

I wonder why I have an opinion on everything, & a strong one at that? Truly. What is it?

Facebook buries MySpace.

Risking intimacy buries being an island. I’ve done both. I’m off to some spontaneity…

A wise man once told me…

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…nobody owes me anything.

The cause of a lot of offense, frustration, disappointment, & unmet expectations is an underlying belief that I might not have even identified, let alone articulated… someone owes me an explanation. Some thoughtfulness. Time. Respect.

Nobody owes me anything.

It’s easier to say, “I don’t owe anyone anything,” but I believe that might have to do with the selfishness of the statement, which speaks to the ability to live life with a reckless abandon in regards towards the feelings & perceptions of others.

Nobody owes me anything.

I don’t have a claim on being treated appropriately by anyone else – & clinging to my claim, however well founded in my own mind, (& in public opinion) doesn’t change that fact. The more I cling to my ‘rights’ the more I am hamstrung by my own woundedness, & I limit where God can work in & through me…

Nobody owes me anything.

Philippians 2:3-11
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

6 Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.

7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges[b];
he took the humble position of a slave[c]
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,[d]

8 he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

9 Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,

10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Friday fodder…

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It’s Friday, 13 June… & I’m off today. So far, I laid on the couch (upstairs, then downstairs). Drank 3 cups of joe – the last one was a bit lukewarm… for some reason I wanted to spew it out of my mouth…made & ate a 2 egg omelette, w/fried Spam & Taco Bell sauce. A little slice of heaven.

Took the Subaru back to Brother’s house, & decided to run the 3.5 miles back home. At noon. It was hot… oops. First half of the lil jog I was lovin’ life. The last half, I was despairing of life. But, here I sit, a-typing, so I’m ok.

All day, been wrestling with my guts. They’re winning. The run helped. (Really!) But still, I think I’ll be parked on the couch for the rest of time.

Went to Costco to walk through w/the Bean, & something must be really, really wrong. She was ready to leave before I was. I think it’s just because she had a coffee date set up with Süße Sue. But, just in case, pray for me. Shopping is definitely out of the question.

I’ve got about 4 serious blogs circling my brain…

  • people pleasing.
  • Watching the organism called church changing (both locally & nationally) & feeling like I’m looking at a caterpillar caught halfway between stages in its morph towards a butterfly… & feeling like the church culture at large is hard to engage with… while at the same time, the morphed (morphing?) is too.
  • Adrenal fatigue, supplements, & other mind benders.
  • Small groups – specifically a Boundaries in Marriage small group – working through interpersonal relationships w/the context being marriage. I’m thinking of doing this in the Fall, & opening it up to marrieds & pre’s.
  • Diets – not so much the “Diet” to lose weight, but what we eat… & why we eat it. Esp. in the face of all the Evidence of the Right Way to eat, that ends up being contradicted shortly thereafter. What if a ‘diet’ for an individual human is just radically different than a ‘diet’ for another, w/the idea that everyone should eat/drink the same way should go the way of the dodo. Ok. That was 5. Sue me.

    Weepy again. Hmm.

    • wranglings…

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    I’m not much of a cowboy, but I’m doing plenty of mental wrangling… hoping that my brain is working right… wondering if it’s not… finding that I’ve got a worry knot at the base of my neck, & I’m attempting to finagle a deep tissue massage some time before my scheduled appointment on the 24th.

    Off to Sac tomorrow for a hang out with Chum – his b-day is the 15th, & we try to take time at least once every 8-12 weeks to get a good lunch (Cheesecake Factory or Tony Roma’s) get some coffee (for me, foo foo for Chum) & catch a movie. It’s good just to spend time together – sometimes, the deep thoughts swarm like the proverbial Salmon of Capistrano, but other times it’s just light & goofy. We talk about 1 or 2x a week – on purpose. I’m thankful for my friend.

    Spent the evening at UNR watching the Pasty Gangster scrimmage for the football camp – against 4 different teams. He’s a LB (linebacker) which means he tackles people. And man, they are BIG nowadays. There were quite a few guys that are running 6’4″ & 275+. Goodness. The Bean is not pleased about the prospects of Pasty encountering one of the big Thugs.

    I’m at week 3.5 of a special type of eating. Enjoying it. Bring on the Flaming Hot Pork Skins. Yeah!

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    emotional gas tank…

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    And I thought the price of gas was high.

    One of the things that I’ve been learning about myself over the last 18 or so months is that I need to keep a watch on my emotional gas tank… it runs out way, way, sooner than does my physical tank. The problem is, my emotional tank lies to me. Tells me everything is OK. No worries. Coping just fine, thanks for asking. I’m doing Well.

    It could almost lead one to think that the emotional gas tank was doing just fine. But I’m catching on to it…

    So far, I’ve found that doing things & being around people that I enjoy (or enjoy me, take your pick) makes me feel about 83% better. And the rest of the refill might just be waiting for the time to pass to allow healing. I feel weepy, & cry at the drop of the proverbial hat. Oh, the joy of being around me.

    And wondering… what refills your emotional gas tank? Or, have you discovered that you HAVE one?

    quince años…

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    This coming Saturday, scoey-d gets to do something that he’s never done before… drumroll… I get to ‘officiate’ at a quince años party (aka the quinceañera…) Generically, it’s a “coming of age” ceremony for Latina young ladies as they reach the ripe old age of 15 (hence the name, quince años, which means 15 years.)

    From what I can tell, it’s similar in purpose to the bar & bat-mitzvah where a ceremony & party are thrown to celebrate the young woman’s entrance into womanhood, & also into society… You can read a bit more about this ceremony here.

    My role in this thing as the officiant is to give a 10-15 minute ‘challenge’ or ‘encouragement’ to the young lady… I’ve watched a few examples on video of this occurring, & so far, I only know what I won’t be doing. I’ve seen preachy lectures, a soliloquy borrowed from Shakespeare (poorly I might add;) a Proverbs 31 adaptation (also bad)… so, rather than taking my cue from what I’ve seen so far, I’m branching out on my own into uncharted waters…

    my question to you is this:
    What advice, encouragement, wisdom, etc. would you give to a 15 year old girl? In the spirit of me asking for advice, feel free to let me have it. And I’d appreciate real advice as well.

    Thanks in advance…

    musings…

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    Haven’t had much trouble with jet-lag this time… other than the typical waking up about 2 – 3 hours early (3 or 4 in the a.m.), which of course makes me a very tired boy that can’t wait to hit the sack by 10… each day I’ve stretched the wakeup another hour, so tomorrow I’m aiming for 5:30.

    In retrospect, this trip seemed like it was 28 days long, instead of the actual 7… wondered why that was the case? I think it had to do with several factors-

  • No Bean makes every day much, much longer than it really is.
  • Sitting for long periods of time (meaning 12 hours)…
  • Forgetting my watch. I left Mickey in my car because I didn’t want to forget him, then I got dropped off at the airport by Brother & theMoses in Shirley so the best laid plans of mice & me went awry…
  • a couple of hard days with long talks about difficult subjects. Sigh…

    Sunday, Nick & Kirstin are getting baptized! That gives me joy – we’ve been really fortunate to be able to get to know them better through the Sunday p.m. study – & now we get to rejoice with them. Aaron C gets to help with the dunkage in the Jordan, err.. the Truckee.

    I like to do dishes. And fold laundry. The sense of accomplishment at the end is nice. The only issue is that my folding skills are not quite up to snuff, so I do the kids & let the Bean take on her own kleidung (clothes). She could go pro in folding clothes. And in wrapping presents. She’s THAT good.

    Had a heart to heart with Weez after some interactions that she witnessed left her puzzled – she’s trying to figure out the perpetuation of injustice on her dad (her observation, not mine.) The most difficult part is that the person she observed was a Christian… and if they’re Christian, then WHY would they act that way?

    On the topic of Weez – w/the Bean working M-F 10-3, & with Weez being on a 12-month school schedule, I now get to spend a bit more quality time with her when she’s on break – like the month of May. Reminds me of the old times. The boat times, where her wit & interests were unmarred by the tripe called ‘The Disney Channel” & by an interest in boy bands. My favorite is going to lunch, because while we’re eating, just the two of us, all sort of questions are fair game:

  • Weez: So, dad: do you think I can get my nose pierced?
  • Me: Uh, no. You’re 11. When you’re 16 & can understand the consequences & ramifications of making such a fashion (& glamour statement) then we’ll talk.
  • Weez: Ok. That’s what I thought. How about my belly button?
  • Me: Nope.
  • Weez: Don’t you think it would be great to go on “What Not To Wear?”
  • Me: What are you saying?
  • Weez: Nothing…

    And so it goes…

    Finding myself procrastinating today. Just want to lay around on the couch & eat Pork Skins. Ah, yes. That is the life.

    • Musings on a Saturday…

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    My Saturday evening routine is well under way…

  • I sit at my computer in my room at the little card table I call “The Office” @ Home – (by the way, Mr. & Mrs. H. You’ve got 4 weeks to master the theme song before we go live. I can’t wait. I want to practice it as well…)
  • If/since I’m doing worship tomorrow, drink an extra glass or 10 of water (for the hydration & the froat…)
  • Read over my notes for the teaching I’m doing – tomorrow, I’m up for Learning Community on the topic “Praying for Just About Anything” – it brings me comfort & peace to renew & review my notes… usually, something will “POP” into my head to be added or a particular section will become more clear as the area I should focus on.
  • I’m not doing the ‘Speech’ tomorrow – Shawn L is – on the topic of his blog – so I’m praying for him, as well as our desire to ‘take it where it goes’ (to cop a phrase from my Delirious? brothers…)
  • I vacuum the room, & meander out into the hallway. Usually I take the opportunity to then empty the canister in the trash can as I seem to be the one who finds that the canister is full each week at this time.
  • Look into the mirror – wonder if I really, truly have to shave… I hate my facial hair – it itches, & yet the act of shaving is painful, & usually leaves me with a wondering if I’d made the right choice… to shave or not to shave? That is the question…
  • Read a bit of LOTR
  • Miscellaneous quirky behavior…
  • Feel a bit inadequate – wonder if I’m in the right profession.

    That leads to some introspection – tonight’s thought has been swirling my brain all week at the monastery… I’m pretty sure that I don’t know what I ‘need’ God to do in me. Sometimes I think I have an idea – now, no. Clueless. A bit foggy. Dim. Makes me wonder in the times that “I Know” if I really have a clue, or if I’m really just proud, delusional, or both…

    I just know I need Him. So I can keep standing. To be my sufficiency in weakness & inadequacy. To be faith in my fear.

    • re-FRESHED…

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    With apologies to John Cusack & the re-PRESSED scene from “The Sure Thing…”

    I’ve been pondering this for the last couple of days –

    Proverbs 11:25b …those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.

    It’s counter-intuitive… it’s taking our eyes & focus off our our own needs in the desire to be a blessing & a help to others… & then while doing that, receiving the very thing that we’d been needing to receive in the first place.

    My pondering has led me to try to think of ways to practically live out what it means to be a “refresher of others” – that thought process starts by 1st examining the ‘opposite’ of being a refresher – a life-sucker, a weight, a burden. What’s that look like?

    To me, the opposite of ‘refresher’ means being selfish… Self-focused. Insisting on getting my own way. Getting my own needs met. Using others to do so. Complaining. Being contentious. Antagonizing. Nit-picking.

    Refreshing means sharing. Paying attention to others & what they’re experiencing. Being willing to listen. Gentleness. Kindness. Self-control.

    And in that, God takes it on Himself to be a refresher… and who does He refresh?

    Isaiah 57:15b I refresh the humble and give new courage to those with repentant hearts.

    The humble & repentant. The one who is in need of refreshing, & looks to God to do it.

    Amen. & Right on.

    Interesting Reading…

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    Just got home from my Deutsch tutoring session & I’m watching the end of the KU/Memphis game. Trying to kill multiple birds with the same stone, using my time wisely, i decided to take care of some ‘home-work’ reading for my Day Job – the PROPOSED REVISED BYLAWS.

    The title of this post is a just a bit of a stretch… ok, unless you read the fine print ‘NOTIFICATIONS’ section in the newspaper, you’d probably want to listen to Air Supply’s greatest hits over, and over, and over, and over… instead of having to read through.

    I gotta admit, I doubt that there’s any of you that reads my blog that actually cares about the aforementioned bylaws… but, hey, this is where I process…

    I’m left wondering why all of the additions to the bylaws bug me the way they do… not the kind of bugging that happens when something new is happening, requiring change. Rather it bugs me because it appears to be illustrative of a fundamental & foundational shift in the ‘larger church organization’ that I have been a part of for the last 24 years; a shift that I am having a very difficult time understanding or identifying with.

    Hmmm…