a fleeting reflection

Disneyland is one of my favorite places in the world – when I get old, really old, & retire, I want to get a season pass so that I can go to Disneyland whenever I feel like it, which would probably be monthly, for at least a few days at a time. Especially during the Christmas holidays.

I was thinking about why I feel the way I do about Disneyland, & I believe it has to do with what it represents to me. When our family went on vacations when I was but a wee lad, it was to Disneyland. And this was back in the day when you had to pay an entrance fee, then had to buy tickets in order to get onto the rides, A-E, with “E” tickets being the really cool rides, like the Matterhorn & later on, Space Mountain, & the “A” tickets being the waste of time rides, like “Small World.”

Disneyland meant Mickey Mouse pancakes, at the River Belle, which tasted so much better than any other pancakes because they had ears. It meant “Pirates of the Caribbean” 10 times. It meant ice-cream at day’s end. It meant buying one of those “Lollipop Guild” lollies that you know you’re never, ever going to be able to finish. It meant getting so tired that I couldn’t even keep eyes open, no matter how hard I tried. It meant dragging myself out of the park, 1 hour after closing, trying to make it all the way to the hotel across the street from the park. It meant family, all together – the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the fighting with siblings, the sheer joy of the shared experience.

My kids currently don’t appreciate Disneyland in the same way (or at the same level of fervor,) that I do, but I’m betting that will change as time goes by… if not for the sake of Disney as the king of all commercial opportunities, but for the time that it means is spent together. It might seem like a waste of time, resources, money, & all kinds of other prudent sounding things, but I think going to Disneyland is worth it. And maybe we’ll go around Christmas again.

It could happen…

A Life In Review…

I really enjoyed our trip to Virginia, especially looking in the rear-view mirror… & in light of the breakneck pace at which the school year has begun (for at least the older two) has been matched by a growing weariness that I know is not unique to me & mine…

At the same time, rather than just put my proverbial nose to the grindstone & push through, I’m trying to examine life & see what can be changed about it – the things that I’m committed to do, be a part of, oversee, carry on, etc. Instead of doing it all, I’m trying to evaluate self & remove that which can be removed, or at the least, shelve what can be shelved. (Removing is permanent; shelving is putting something up until later.) I’m finding that I, too, am a notoriously poor self-evaluator, or that I am incredibly optimistic about all that I can do in a week’s time. Or a days. And butting up against the ‘doing feelings’ that cry & whine whenever I try to balance my life by leaving a task undone, nagging for just “15 more minutes.” Especially when it’s not a ‘want to do’ but a ‘need to do.’


A couple of things have happened in the last week that have gotten my attention, & have prompted a more introspective house cleaning of the scoey machine…

  • Last week, in a classic heart to heart, theBean brought to my attention the fact that I seem to have the same issue that Zay has (you can read about it here…) – yes, its that I must think that I have superpowers with what I had committed myself to.

    And the problem, it seems, is that I don’t see a problem… & this time, rather than try to bluster my way past theBean, or dance around it, or try to use the remote to “mute” her (BTW: I don’t recommend this. The sheer act of pointing a remote at one’s spouse has proved, multiple times, to be ill-advised…) So, instead of doing those things, l listened. And I asked her advice. And some of what she said made sense to me… while other things seemed so, so wrong. But, going on the premise that I may not see stuff as accurately for my emotional, physical, & mental well-being & health, I asked Jesus about what she’d said. And got a peace about it. Sigh. The times, they are a-changin’. (Thanks to Robert Zimmerman for that.)

  • Second, I heard from my brother, Moe – seems he’s been diagnosed with some version & degree of HCM, which is a fancy way of saying that something in the heart doesn’t work & the results of that can be catastrophic… It was his birthday & I had called him to talk about the kind of things that brothers talk about on birthdays as we age… & to hear this was a shock.

    More shock, though not alarm – this HCM can be hereditary, so Brother & I are both trying to get appointments for our own EKG… only to find that the next opening with the next available doctor in the Greater Reno/Sparks metropolitan area is 29 September. Sigh again.

    No panic, no frustration, just ‘meaning of life’ type introspection, couched in the fact that priorities & responsibilities are shifting… from without & from within. And that’s ok.

  • Friday musings…

    It’s Friday… I’m Home Alone for my day off. Meaning, my family is all gone, at school, at work, or at Trista’s… there is a guy here wearing booties (how considerate!) & a big tool belt, taking lots of pictures of the structure & the ground. See, we’ve got a ‘warranty inspection’ for the 1 year anniversary of the house going on as i speak, so the whole, ‘stranger in my house’ vibe is happening & I’m pretending that its not. He’s nice, personable, & most importantly, is working on working, not on talking to me. :)


    Wasser mit Kohlensäure is the best for quenching one’s thirst. I love it. Don’t like bubbles in your water? Give it to me.


    Cleaned out my closet this a.m. All my clothes that don’t fit anymore… turns out I’ve been stockpiling old (& big) jeans, as well as worn out tshirts. I think the jeans are going on eBay (they’re new-ish… just about 4 sizes too big now, post diet). The tshirts are in the trash, with their holes & crusty stuff intact. Goodbye tshirts.


    Cleaning out the ‘German Room” closet… for Julia. Countdown 4 days.


    BBQ’d Tri-tip last night. 7 out of 10. Know what I’d do different to take it up a notch. Lower temperature on the BBQ, which requires a new BBQ. Or maybe a return to charcoal. At least it’s been confirmed that the gas beast we’ve got has officially given up the ghost. GRHS…


    Life hurts. Sometimes more than others. I’ve been pondering Westley’s statement:

    Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says different is selling something.

    I can empathize with Westley, (after serving on the Pirate ship “Revenge” under the dread pirate, Roberts, separated from his true love for 5 years… yeah, that would lead to such an outlook. But I don’t want to live carrying pain, as though the pain happened just yesterday, never working through, never getting past. Living in hurt. Woundedness. I think what I’ve found over the last year is that a key (THE key?) component of moving through & past pain, hurt, etc. is the grieving process. I have intentionally (& in some cases melodramatically) embraced the grieving process, staying in it, without apology, almost without regard for what others might think (have thought? & felt free to discuss amongst themselves…) Grieving. Feeling the fullness of the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the loss. And coming back to God’s truth about me, my life, my family, my relationships, my identity, my hope.

    And the wounds haven’t festered. And I’m not minimized by my grief, my weakness, my own frailty. I feel as though I have perspective that I didn’t a year ago. I’m comfy in my own skin, & ok with the imperfect brokenness all around, & in me. Sigh.


    A first for the clan: all 3 kids have games tomorrow, in 3 different sports. Pasty has football, Joey has fall ball (baseball,) & the Weez has Proper Football (known in the US of A as Soccer…) Yay.

    Denial, & other words that mean things…

    I wanted to post a “demotivator” for DENIAL here, but went to the site & found that there isn’t one there. I don’t believe it.


    I’ve got a mental replay going – but it’s not one of those ones that you wish would just go away… it’s Isaiah 50:7. Like flint. Like flint. Determination. Perseverance. Faith-filled. Faithful.


    First day of school for Pasty & Joey – Weez is on year round, so she’ll be out on break as of next week. The tide rises. The tide falls.


    Preschool rocks. I wish I could go.


    Went to Earl’s for smokin’ poker… Texas Hold’em. I don’t play (actually have only played once,) so I was an observer – an interested one, one who wants to learn how to play, without having to learn stuff the hard way, (aka 1 $5 buy-in at a time.) Me & theBean both went, along with Joey… turns out she was the only girl – fine with me (& with her… though we thought other chicas would be there too.) Joey played a bit, & learned the hard way about the flop & the river. Good times. Thanks, experience.

    Friday & Floyd…

    We’ve been smitten with intermittent internet – which of course means that when I want to get on & check for pictures of Weezer’s soccer game, or set my fantasy baseball lineup, or check out the Blue Ridge Highway vineyards, it’s not available. Usually, it’s only dysfunctional for about 2 hours at a time, but today we’ve been experiencing a higher level of unavailability. Sigh.

    NOTE: I ended up posting this on our way to the Villa Appalachia Winery – found some free internet advertised, & borrowed it for 10 minutes. Thanks, Al Gore.


    Yesterday, we took the afternoon to head the 22 miles on 8S to go to Floyd, Virginia. Floyd only has 1 stoplight, but it is quite the Mecca for music & the arts – the entire downtown (all 3 blocks) is set up for street musicians – with little brick cul-de-sacs & benches set up for visitors & locals to wander by & listen. In our 20 minute walk, we came upon 3 separate art galleries, where many local artists have their work displayed. Sculptures, photographs, paintings, & drawings.

    All of the businesses we visited, from the coffee house/bookstore combo (The Black Water) to the Oddfella’s – restaurant offering French cuisine with an Appalachian flavor – there were musicians playing – some from Floyd, but many who were driving in from as far as 100 miles away for the Friday night happenings.

    The main ‘event’ in town, the one that Floyd is famous for happens at the Floyd Country Store, & is called the Friday night Jamboree. People started showing up for the 6:30 event at 3:30; fortunately, theBean & I were able to get a helpful running commentary from the regulars – a group of very welcoming, friendly people, who explained in detail what was going on to us & the other 1st timers.

    From 5:30 on, the Floyd Country Store shuts down the back ½ of the store, & sets up a dance floor around a mini-stage. There’s also about 200 chairs around the dance floor – we made our way to our seats about 20 minutes early & it’s a good thing, as the whole room was filled. At 6:30, the STATEMENTS (a band made up of 4, 16-22 year olds) led off the evening with the customary 1 hour of blue-grass gospel music, which people can sing along to, but that no one gets up & dances to. The songs ranged from “I’ll Fly Away” to “Amazing Grace,” & there were lots of songs about heaven & what comes next. Before you start bemoaning the experience that we ‘got’ to sit through, let me tell you: it was one of the most incredible musical performances I’ve witnessed personally. There was phenomenal flatpicking on the acoustic guitar, mandolin & banjo. Guys growing up in other places in the US might hope to become guitar heroes. Here, in the Appalachians, they aspire to master the banjo. And as hokie as you might think that sounds, it was really impressive to watch, & a privilege to be a part of. Wow!

    After an hour of gospel, band change – 2Old, 2Young – 2 old guys, 2 young guys. I was informed that this was “the dance band,” made up of violin (fiddle) stand up bass, guitar, & 5 string banjo. This is when the dancing started – the clogging & flat-footing. It is accentuated by the noise made by the taps on the bottoms of shoes. Incredible, with an occasional square dance thrown in.

    It was fun for me, knowing the history & a bit of background about those that settled in the Appalachians: largely Irish & Scottish immigrants. It was easy to hear the influence of ‘Celtic’ music in the bluegrass; then, watching the clogging/flat-footing, you can see the similarities with Irish step-dancing. People of all ages, 3 to 90, danced solo, danced with partners, danced in 4somes. They danced with their arms by the sides, & the guys often had their hands in their pockets. Really, a sight to behold.

    We hung out for a couple of hours, then went for a walk in the rain – back to our car. I had something in my right eye that turned it blood red (no, don’t think it was peroxide. This time.) So we went home to watch the Olympics.


    Every day, including Friday, we’ve spent a chunk of time in counseling, talking through & about how we communicate. I think that we’re both seeing that we are growing from even where we were 1 year ago. And we’re understanding each other. It helps to get an evaluation from someone like Chuck too – someone that knows us & has for years. He encouraged us that we’re doing really well in how we’re working through our stuff – as people, as a couple, & as a team. For me, I want to grow… to know & love God more… to know & be known by others; to love people.

    We have talked about church as well – in general, & with some specifics (which is fun, because Chuck knows our local context, Hillside, too.) And to hear his observations about us & Hillside… that we’re following a ‘simple call’ to a “long obedience in the same direction.” I thought that was cool, as that’s the book I’ve been revisiting this week, & have recommended to about 4 people in the last month – & to have him use that as his analogy, & to have him recommend it to both of us to read was a point of encouragement & confirmation that we’re on a good track, albeit one that is different than many; a unique journey, one where’s there’s not many footsteps of others to follow or to walk in.

    And that’s ok.






    Musings on a Thursday…

    Coffee tastes better in a “for here cup” than in a “to-go cup.” The Starbucks @ Kent Square also has a great atmosphere that makes the coffee better. Truly. And just around the corner, hidden away, is a great cookie store called Crumb & Get It. TheBean had a chocolate/chocolate-chip, warmed up, along with her Grande Pike Place. I picked out some of the chips; think that they were bittersweet chocolate, instead of the semi-sweet (read: Nestle Tollhouse) that I’m used to sniping at home. A great store. Thanks for the heads up on it Shontell.


    Something that has popped up a lot in my studies & preparations (reading Job, Galatians, & the 1, 2, & 3 Johns; & works by Eugene Peterson, and Henri Nouwen, and Jerry Cook, et al) has been the idea & need of people to be known & understood… & how this ‘understanding’ is often tied to ‘agreeing’ with someone. Can it be that there is ‘understanding’ without ‘agreeing’? I think so, but it seems that the two often get tied together… & thus conflict arises & develops where one strives for ‘agreement’ in the name of ‘understanding’…


    On that note – one of the major challenges for me (& for the Christ-follower in general) is to learn to differentiate between “agreement” & “acceptance”. We often equate ‘acceptance’ of a person, (esp. those that are different than us in their morals, values, choices, political outlook, preferences,) with ‘agreeing’ with the person. And don’t want to be associated with the person’s views, values, etc. that we DON’T agree with, so there’s no acceptance. And we end up hanging out with or including only those that agree with us. E.G. It’s the bone that the religious legalists had to pick with Jesus – in that He hung with people whose lives were disagreeable to their idea of propriety – one’s that they didn’t agree with. And couldn’t see how Jesus could accept them knowing the points of obvious disagreement, that Jesus HAD to see. To me, its a life-calling for everyone that wants to walk in Jesus’ footsteps: extend acceptance, w/o condescension or judgment. At the least, it’s food for thought.


    Even though there is a lot of ‘down’ time, we’re filling it with silence (reading &/or thinking,) hanging out in beautiful, warm spots on the VTU campus, & having shared experiences, (ala the baseball trips, walking the Blacksburg Farmer’s Market, cruising the “Mall”, sitting at TOTS, & having long talks about nothing & everything. It’s feeding & watering to the soul, & is a blessed respite for the two of us.


    As time goes by, I become more & more aware that good friends are to be treasured.


    Again, I’m reminded that Reno is a great place to live. Hmmm. Contented sigh.


    Craving movie popcorn for the last couple of days. I think I need.

    more musings, or "It’s Monday again…"

    I’m trying to get back to my Boundaries series… it will happen. Oh, yes. It will.


    Can’t believe its already been 1 week since my last post… where does the time go? Maybe if I had an x-box of my own, I could totally get into Assassin’s Creed or some other sweet RPG that I could then blame for the loss of time. But I got nothin’…


    After much discussion, the Bean & I are off to the Center For Spiritual Renewal to rest, receive counsel, grow together… to discover new ways to live & work together, as a team, working at this mission we’re both on. It’s kinda about church, but its mostly about us & how we’ll live out in the various contexts that life entails for us… church. Looking at 8/9 – 8/20, including travel dates. Anyone ever been to Christiansburg, VA? Shontell? Got any advice?


    A good cup of coffee is hard to find. I am not pleased with my coffee maker right now. Yes, it is an inanimate object, but I am thinking of dropping it for a good French Press…


    Stargate: Continuum comes out tomorrow. With Jack O’Neill. 2 L’s. I smile. Need a reminder?


    Ellie G can crawl. Made it into my office even. I must remember to stock my desk with plenty of treats so that she’ll never leave. Chocolate icing seems to be the favorite. Don’t tell.


    The company that almost finished our patio is nowhere to be found. No returned calls. No messages. Nothing. All we need is a ‘sealer’ for the concrete. Cause man, it’s cured by now. Amigos, where are you?


    Friday, I get to be a part of a wedding ceremony… As one of my “parts” in the ceremony, I get to fulfill a dweam wiffin a dweam. I get to say a line, then lift up my right hand, out to the side, about shoulder level, palm up, & then everyone repeats after me. Ahhh. Nice. I’ll just have to remember not to do it in my Heemo-shermo voice. (Demonstrations available upon request…)


    Somedays, when I feel like I do today, I just wish that I was in Disneyland. Or California Adventure. Not necessarily even on the rides. Walking Main Street. Near the Grizzly Bear mountain. Smelling the happy food smells. Watching my family enjoy themselves. Nighttime. Definitely at night time. I’d even eat ice-cream today.


    On that note, the special diet is working well – I’m in the groove, though softball on Mondays & Tuesdays has really thrown a monkey wrench into the gym schedule. Trying to pace myself so I don’t run out of gas… haven’t got to weigh myself in a week, so I don’t know what the damage is… last time I was at 28 pounds. Gone. And I said, “Whoooaaahhhh…”

    But I find that I am dreaming of food. Stuff like chocolate cupcakes. Fudge brownies. Pizza. Pinocchio’s wings. Claim Jumper Chocoholic Cake. Joey cakes. Hmmm. Now I’m salivating. Anybody want to make it for my berfday? Bean? Are you reading this still? Please?


    I’m going to try to put the Boundaries #4 post up tomorrow… but don’t sue me if it doesn’t happen until Wednesday.

    Ciao!

    musings on a Monday…

    Had a long weekend. 1st with the “Midsummer Nights Dream.” Then with a Saturday/Sunday trip to Fresno w/the fam to hang with the Chums… Made the trip in 4 1/2 hours both ways – 300 miles from doorstep to doorstep – lots of time driving, but not too draining.


    MND – the play – was 3 hours long. Fortunately, we had arrived at the Lake around 2, hung in the sun, swam in the not-so-chilly waters, & ate all we could get our hands on… entered the amphitheatre around 5:30 p.m. & made our way to our seats – right in the front of the Lower Gallery. Nice. Good people watching time, coupled with great vino, cheese, & salamali (some call it ‘salami’ but hey, when Weezer made up the word “Salamali” it stuck as a staple at the house.)

    It started right on time, & was set in the modern day, with Oberon & Puck (& the other fairies) represented by American Indian-themed characters. Very nice. It was hard not to hear Opie’s “Brother Elk” voice talking about diseased blankets, but overall a good time was had by all, & it was a great time with the family & friends. We received a small dose of culture. Don’t know if it will sink in.


    Fresno was hot; imagine that. Our friends have a pool. I don’t think our kids got out of it. OK, Pasty did, but only to shower to get the chlorine smell off of him. Gotta love it.


    We had good food, good conversation, & a good time with our friends – & with their church family on Sunday.


    Looking back, I see I’ve known Chum for 17 years – & we’re still friends. Talk a couple times a week. Celebrate life’s joys. Cry together over the crud. Deep talks. Shallow stuff. Sci-fi. Movies & popcorn. The works. The more time passes, & the more I see/experience what passes for faithful friendship, the more I appreciate him… Integrity. Maturity. Faithfulness. Grace. Forgiveness. Perseverance. And he’s still my friend after all these years, which says something.


    The Dark Knight is on my list of things to do this week. Now I just need to find a couple of free hours & some buttered popcorn goodness.


    GSR has a special right now: $7.77 for a stay in the hotel any Sun-Wed between July 1 & 31. What? No info on their website, but if you call, you can get the rate. They even advertised it to us Locals via a postcard.


    The political doublespeak that accompanies the presidential election is in full swing. Hearing ‘stated truth’ presented to one group of people, while at the same time “ground-level truth” is given to a ‘group of insiders’ is pretty nauseating. Guess that’s why I never wanted to get into politics… or something like that.


    Softball game tonight at the Golden Eagle fields – at 10p.m. How is this a good idea?


    I’ll let you know…

    Milestone…


    This a.m., my daughter, the Weez, the youngest child, the only girl, the character actress, the songster, the Princess Buttercup… is off to Jr High Camp… as a camper. Sigh…

    Time flies.

    Independence & Freedom…

    Maybe its the reading of historical documents (that’s a Galaxy Quest shout out for the uninitiated. If you haven’t seen it, if you don’t yet own it, I heartily recommend that you rectify that ASAP…) that has prompted this train of thought…

    I’ve been pondering the quest for “Independence” & what it means, especially in comparison to the concept of “Freedom” discussed in the Bible, esp. in the book of Galatians. (WARNING: This is a plug for a book. I’d recommend you pick up Traveling Light. I have a couple of extra copies if you’d like to borrow one. And discuss it :).)


    It seems with both “independence” & “freedom” there is an understanding, albeit a misguided one, that to be independent & to be free means to cast off all boundaries, restraints, government, authority, & responsibility towards… kinda like the Soup Dragons & their lyrical declaration:

    I’m free, to do what I want, any old time…


    This thought process came up yesterday while I was sitting with the fam watching Hancock. The theatre was 1/3 full, but the noise during the movie was incredible. I’m not talking about the responses to the movie; I’m speaking of people on their cellphones – talking out loud. The steady stream of “you just got a text” phone beeps. The three crying baby/toddlers whose parents wouldn’t take them out of the theatre to ‘hug it out’. And why is all this ok? One person’s response to a request to please keep it down: “It’s a free country!”


    The John Adams book has given me a pretty vivid picture of a man who, for the desire to be able to govern himself (& for the people of his state/country to be able to do the same,) spent parts/most of 10 years of his life separated from his wife & children – living in often hostile European nations attempting to negotiate with foreign governments for the right to be free. To self-govern. A sacrifice that he was repaid for with scorn, slander, libel, & public mockery… All so we could live in a ‘free country.’


    Independence & freedom don’t relieve us of responsibility toward or for our interactions with other people – it actually reminds us that we ARE connected to others. And that our decisions & choices have consequences for us & for others, consequences that the “independent” & “free” have to think through, because to be truly free, we need to freely exercise self-control, self-restraint instead of majoring in self-indulgence & selfishness. Otherwise, its not independence or freedom we experience – it’s people insisting on their own rights to the violation of others. It’s people pushing their own agendas, without regard for how what they want will affect others…It’s living as virtual children, focused only on our own desires for immediate gratification, & not understanding why anyone else has an issue with it…

    Happy Independence Day.