Tag Archives: Musings

Thursday musings…

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This has been a whirlwind of a week – starting off with a Christmas party Friday (during which I barfed up my dinner… sorry, no pictures) then Saturday’s worship team practice & 3/4’s of a work day, then to Sunday’s triple duty of worship, Learning Community, & Speeching; followed by packing up the gear & the fam & heading off to the happiest (merriest?) place in the world… Disneyland for a couple 18 hour days of fun @ both parks. A good time was had by all, especially at the fireworks display of 12/18, but the rush home to beat the storm (which we barely did) meant leaving at 7 a.m. 12/19. I’m still trying to catch my breath – & am greatly looking forward to Friday’s “Rest day lived for the sake of living.”

Something is wrong. I know it, can tangibly feel it, & think that I can even identify it. Yet I don’t know that there’s anything for me to actually DO about what’s wrong… at least that I know of. Might be that I’m a bit delusional. Or hardening. Definitely sorrowful. A bit weepy. Christmastime exacerbates it. Cryptic, I know, however…

On that note, something that popped up while in Deutschland in November – I was encouraged by several close friends to speak out what I am thinking; to stop leaving so much unsaid. BTW: or those of you that are right now contemplating a world where I talk MORE, not less, & wishing, hoping you will be far, far away from that world, sorry ’bout it. SIU. Suck it up.

I don’t know or believe that this means all of my filters get removed, (now I’m scared.) But I do think that only about 5-10% of what I’m thinking (conversation, speeching, family interactions, friendships, work stuff, etc.) actually gets verbalized. I’ve started to speak it out & so far, so good. At least for me. I can’t say that others are equally as thrilled with the New Me as it has appeared in a Conversation Near You, but it’s real. Authentic. Truth in love-ish (to the best that I can.) And yes, I’ve had to ask forgiveness a couple of times too – but haven’t regretted it yet.

Wish I would have bought the new Mickey Mouse watch. I’ve had mine on the left wrist for 13 years (save for the occasional bath/shower) & it has seen better days. Not currently running, but I am still wearing it. It is a reminder of one of the worst days I’ve ever had, as a man, a husband, & as a father. And also of the grace shown to me by my wife, the one who purchased it for me for our 5th anniversary (7/1/1989) on a day when I abandoned her in Disneyland with a 3 year old in a stroller, while she was several months pregnant with baby #2. All in the name of trying to be a good youth pastor, supervising students in the Park while my wife was left flying solo. Fortunately, a couple in our church, 15-20 years my senior, & also on the trip, were watching out for her & helped her with my son. I make myself sick even with the memory of it. I can’t believe I did that. All in the name of The Job for the Machine. And selfishness. What a tool am I. And she bought me a watch to say she loved me anyway.

Reminds me of the depth of depravity of my soul. Sigh.

End of the year stuff…

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And the latest sign that December is here, that the year is just about to end…

Two weeks ago, I got my notification from my wonderful insurance company – they’ve been purchased by a company known as HealthNet, which means that the premium gets to be ‘adjusted’ to meet the new boss’ bottom line… welcome to the world where the privilege of having a $5000 deductible has gone to $850/month.

Had the insurance rep do some checking around – looks like I personally am uninsurable for anything less than this price because I’ve had surgery 2x in the last 10 years – both to fix hinges that had broken. So, now I’m trying to find an insurance plan that will cover the wife & kids for something less that the proverbial arm & leg & go with that… & then bank on the wonderful government of the USA to take care of my issues should I go Scarecrow from Oz…

Come Lord.

Wednesday musings…

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  • I’ve got 2 classes left for my German class – & I signed up for the next class, but I don’t think it will come off, as there’s only 3 other students so far. Sigh.

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  • Went to the Cellar tonight for the intro to Scotch – a little historical background on what single malt Scotch is, where it comes from, & then a short round of tasting… My “sophisticated” palate was picking up the smoky flavor of burnt wood. Hmm. This is lost on scoeyd…

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  • Going to Disneyland 12/16 for a couple of days with the fam. We’re aiming to get Ice-cream on Main Street… & to go on the rides in Frontierland… And Adventureland. Hooray!

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  • This is my 1st Christmas in a long while where I won’t be seeing my good friend Opito. No worries, my friend. I’ll be pouring one out for you, my homie.

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  • I’m feeling the impetus to write – & to block out time to do so… Lord, help me.

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  • No sports for the kiddos right now. This should last through 12/10, if I’m fortunate. I’m soaking in it.

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  • Being in control is an illusion… it’s more like realizing that I’m floating in a wave pool with a strong current that is currently moving in the same direction I want to go…

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  • I want to be a good husband – which means learning to shut my face & listen more often… Ask me how that is working out for me so far… Just do so from beyond my arms reach.

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  • Disappointment (hope deferred) is really, really crushing… esp. in some cases. Cryptic enough?

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  • The writers strike has begun to effect me. When does Season 7 of 24 start?

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  • On the TV note: what happened to Heroes? Did I miss something?

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  • If I had to/have to get a real job, I wonder what I would do?

    • Good night now.

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    It’s Wednesday…

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    Wednesday

  • I have German class today – And I am weary of the amount of work that I have to do because the teacher is functioning at a pace that wears me out… we started with 30 people in the class & last Monday were down to 5. We’re getting through a lot more material, a lot more homework, a lot more intensity with 5 than we did with 30. Frau Carson, please. Let up a bit.

  • The Bean is prepping for a women’s retreat for our church family this weekend… which means me flying solo while she wraps up loose ends. She has stress, esp. about wanting the weekend to be beneficial for the ladies that go; & not like the horror stories of “women’s retreats” that so many people have experienced. Stories where they’ve been rejected, judged, & made to feel unacceptable for being unique & believing that being a godly woman doesn’t mean submitting to a cookie-cutter creation…

  • Next week this time, I will be in Deutschland. Hooray. And “oh my.”

    • A niece…

  • Youngest bro (YB) & his wife reproduced – born Monday at 3 p.m.ish via C-Section, after labor & an attempt to turn the gargantuan 7 lb 6 oz baby failed. Baby went without a name for 2 days, as in typical YB fashion, he waited as long as possible to make a decision. Name it (her, I know, her…) Ellie Grace. I had a dream that it was Elanor, like Samwise’s firstborn – from wikipedia, which anyone can contribute to, so you know you can trust the info you find there…

    • More recently J. R. R. Tolkien created an alternative meaning for this name using his made up Elvish language Quenya. In his novel The Lord of the Rings Elanor means “sun-star” (el: star, and anor: sun), and is the name of a golden five-pointed flower that grows in the woods of Lothlórien and the given name of a golden-haired child.

  • We haven’t seen the baby yet because it (she) is 45 km away in a hospital & because the hospital has a rule: no one admitted who isn’t 12. I have a 10 year old daughter, The Weez, that I refuse to not allow into the room if the rest of the family is in there. Talk about torture. We took it up with the hospital & they offered up the sage advice, “Just tell them she’s 12.” Oh. You mean, lie. Tell my daughter to lie. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? How about no. Pound sand Carson Tahoe Hospital.

    • There’s more, but I’ll save it for later. If you made it all the way through this post, you deserve a prize. Go get yourself a cup of great coffee, or whatever foo-foo drink you like, & drink it, all the while thinking, “I’m rewarding myself for reading all the way through that post.” Cheers to you.

    we care a lot…

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    Not a Faith No More reference…We Care A Lot is about a conversation I was having with a friend the other day about my friend’s hope/wish/want to be able to help another, mutual, friend… Vague enough for you? Don’t want to expose the friend or the mutual friend, so I must speak in riddles…

    Anyway, my friend’s mourning over the struggles, issues, & general pain that our mutual friend was experiencing reminded me of some great advice I was given by my friend, Chuck. Chuck said:

    First: it’s not your job to die FOR your church, your friends, or for anyone else. Jesus already did.

    Second: No matter what someone else’s troubles, difficulties, or life situation is, you cannot care more about it than they do… it’s a black-hole that is very hard to escape.

    Made me think…how often have I expended great amounts of energy in helping a friend/other to navigate through a situation only to find that when push came to shove & a tough call had to be made, a tough call that just might have made it so that the friend/other could extricate themselves from the rough/tough situation, that the person I was helping would decide that they didn’t want to get out, didn’t want to move on from their situation… but they still wanted all the support & people walking with them that they could find? (Yes, that incredibly long sentence started with a question, so I have to put a ? at the end of it… had to re-read the sentence too, as I was completely lost. But I digress.)

    People don’t always want out the situations that they’re in – sometimes, it’s their own life choices that keep them in the vicious circle that they’re trapped in… & I realize that they’re not trapped so much as stuck. And I see that I care more about what they’re doing/facing than they seem to… and I ponder if it’s my role at all to be apart of the situation any longer…

    But then to have a boundary, to say “no more” is deemed judgmental & unChristian.

    And… I still care a lot…

    Friday fodder…

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  • Pasty has 2 more games left in his season, then he believes that he’ll be called up to Varsity for the playoffs. He’s really been enjoying being a tackling target for practices this week. Woohoo.
  • The David Crowder Concert that me, The Moses, the Crow, & Schoern attended on Tuesday at the Fillmore in SF was worth the 7 hours of travels. What stood out to me: musicality; humor; incredible lyrics that could be understood (& were projected on a small screen, stage right); great interaction with the crowd.
  • Directly in contrast to the other 2 acts – The Myriad. This group sounded a lot like, a lot, alot a LOT like they were a Radiohead tribute band that also liked Coldplay & had heard Rebel Yell as well. The smoke machine made it interesting, as did the emo meets 1870’s bank teller outfit on a guitar player. I liked the wall of noise they used… Then came Phil Wickham. The presentation was frantic; frenetic; forced; TheMoses thought it was manipulative (& I couldn’t argue against it…) What I couldn’t get past was that it sounded like he had inhaled a bunch of helium & drank about 42 espressos before he hit the stage. Then came Crowder, & all was right with the world… At least for me & the boys.
  • I’m really enjoying the Roundabout discussions as well – where we pick a topic & talk about it – for more, check out: Roundabout.
  • While I blog, I’ve been listening to the Podcast “Converts to Hell” from Rob Bell/Mars Hill – he nailed something – the gist of it is: we think that if we pray “the prayer” & go to church weekly, that it will guarantee or promise a “good life.” Good relationships. Faithfulness from spouse & friends. Kids that grow up big & strong, loving Jesus. But it doesn’t. And it won’t. Because there’s no superstition or formula or quick fix to Christ-following. It’s learning, growing, & obeying.
  • We have a new dog – it’s Pastor Jack’s brother from the same litter she came from – the owner gave the dog, formerly known as “Tiny Tim” due to a hip issue caused limp, now called “Little Mac Baggins” to us (in a very roundabout way,) as she was unable to care for the dog anymore. One day of conflict has been followed by two dogs that are the best of friends & true partners in crime. I’ll try & get a picture of the two together & post it – Little Mac is a black & rust colored weiner dog, while Little Pastor Jack is all rusty-brown. Which reminds me…
  • Life is better with friends…

    • Communion ponderings…

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    Last night, we hosted our 1st College Group since the move to the new digs. I grilled some tortillas & poured some Casarsa Merlot & some cranberry juice (so people could choose which they wanted to receive,) & we stood around the island in the kitchen.

    We talked & prayed:

  • about relationship with God & with each other. Tears were flowing as people expressed themselves – towards each other.
  • about our hopes & dreams for the changes that God is making in us.
  • about what it looks like to say “Yes” to Jesus in new way.

    • Taking time for talking, praying, & personal feedback about communion, the “body & the blood,” the bread & the F.O.T.V. (fruit of the vine,) seems to be a very significant part of the “remembering” that Jesus talked about as the center of communion. I’m greatly enjoying exploring this.

    Friday fodder (on the other side of moving…)

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    I’m waiting for the DirecTV guy… impatiently…

  • What is it that makes a person hold onto their ‘stuff’ when its obvious that they’re never going to even take the stuff out of the box its in, let alone use it? I have boxes in the garage that have been in every garage I’ve had since I got married. If they’re not empty by November 30, they will be thrown away, no questions asked, no looking inside. Write it down.
  • We had a lot of people give us boxes for our move, boxes that they’d used for their own moves – on one hand, it was nice not to have to find our own boxes, but on the other hand, it was pretty confusing to try & figure out just what was in each box because there were 3 different identifiers written on them… but, as my great-grandmother would say, “Beggars can’t be choosers…”
  • We’re approximately 53% unpacked & organized. Points of great need: closets; window coverings; hangage of posters & pictures.
  • Our 1st College Group of the semester is happening Sunday, 9/16 – we’re celebrating our “comeback” with a great dinner & communion. I can’t wait.
  • It’s amazing how wonderful & smart I am when people like what I say/do; it’s equally amazing how the same people can think I’m a flipping moron when I say/do something that they don’t agree with.
  • Fantasy football is better played with friends. And a smak board.
  • My new toilet flushes very, very well. Bring it.
  • I don’t think we really understand the significance of the cross.
  • A perfect day involves a comfy chair, an endless supply of great coffee, & a book. Gives me goosebumps thinking about it.
  • Blogging is often pointless, yet it’s a beautiful thing. Some people talk to themselves; others blog. I do both. :)
  • I’m still having Germany-team withdrawals – one can really get used to the community aspect of seeing people every day for huge chunks of the day…
  • On that note, good friends are priceless. I love the people I work with, & am fortunate to have them as friends.

    • Musings on a Wednesday… (oder Mittwoch fur die Deutsche…)

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    I started this post last night (hence the title,) but was interrupted by a set of friends in a most pleasant way – I continue…

  • Having wireless internet beats regular internet, which beats the heck out of no internet. But, the almost 2 & a half weeks where we were sans any ‘net, it was ok. We survived. Surprise, surprise. Strike 1 point for Sabbath lessons.
  • Pasty turns 16 on Sunday – very nice. He’s quite the enigma. Brings a tear to my eye. Just one…
  • Lots of stuff in life hurts… broken relationships probably the most. Close behind: Consequences for dicey choices… Lying to yourself, then discovering it… Being lied to. Getting dragged through the muck… et al
  • Everybody’s got a bias.
  • It’s possible to use God (religious words, cliches, practices, behaviors) to avoid God (real relationship, authenticity, truthfulness, transformation, everything laid bare…). I think it happens a lot more than we think.
  • Watching big kids play football is more entertaining than watching the same kids 10 years ago.
  • It’s tough to embrace our limits.
  • Opie is in Kansas. That is cause for a road trip. Or, better yet, a plane trip.
  • Normal isn’t real. We’re different, & any one who says different is selling something. Probably a Christian telemarketer.
  • I’ve been trying to figure out why we use grape juice in communion instead of wine (or at least having the option of wine.) So far, the research I’ve done has provided nothing but unsatisfactory answers… Why grape juice? Can somebody offer up an answer? (And please avoid the, “because of the abuse of alcohol, total abstinence is the answer.” I don’t buy it. Or the “causing someone to stumble.” That seems to be a favorite one – except, I’ve never & have never seen another try to FORCE someone who thought drinking any alcohol was wrong to drink it against their will. Most or all(?) of the complaints seem to be from people that are offended by another having a drink…
  • Frankfurt is on the other side of the world, but I see some of the people I know from there more often than I see people in my own city.
  • We have way too much fun in the office.
  • My closet isn’t unpacked yet. And my clothes are disorganized. I don’t think that I’ll last through tomorrow before I binge on organization.
  • TV tomorrow. God-willing. In time for Football on Saturday & Sunday.
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