Tag Archives: Commentary on Human Condition

Thursday musings…

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This has been a whirlwind of a week – starting off with a Christmas party Friday (during which I barfed up my dinner… sorry, no pictures) then Saturday’s worship team practice & 3/4’s of a work day, then to Sunday’s triple duty of worship, Learning Community, & Speeching; followed by packing up the gear & the fam & heading off to the happiest (merriest?) place in the world… Disneyland for a couple 18 hour days of fun @ both parks. A good time was had by all, especially at the fireworks display of 12/18, but the rush home to beat the storm (which we barely did) meant leaving at 7 a.m. 12/19. I’m still trying to catch my breath – & am greatly looking forward to Friday’s “Rest day lived for the sake of living.”

Something is wrong. I know it, can tangibly feel it, & think that I can even identify it. Yet I don’t know that there’s anything for me to actually DO about what’s wrong… at least that I know of. Might be that I’m a bit delusional. Or hardening. Definitely sorrowful. A bit weepy. Christmastime exacerbates it. Cryptic, I know, however…

On that note, something that popped up while in Deutschland in November – I was encouraged by several close friends to speak out what I am thinking; to stop leaving so much unsaid. BTW: or those of you that are right now contemplating a world where I talk MORE, not less, & wishing, hoping you will be far, far away from that world, sorry ’bout it. SIU. Suck it up.

I don’t know or believe that this means all of my filters get removed, (now I’m scared.) But I do think that only about 5-10% of what I’m thinking (conversation, speeching, family interactions, friendships, work stuff, etc.) actually gets verbalized. I’ve started to speak it out & so far, so good. At least for me. I can’t say that others are equally as thrilled with the New Me as it has appeared in a Conversation Near You, but it’s real. Authentic. Truth in love-ish (to the best that I can.) And yes, I’ve had to ask forgiveness a couple of times too – but haven’t regretted it yet.

Wish I would have bought the new Mickey Mouse watch. I’ve had mine on the left wrist for 13 years (save for the occasional bath/shower) & it has seen better days. Not currently running, but I am still wearing it. It is a reminder of one of the worst days I’ve ever had, as a man, a husband, & as a father. And also of the grace shown to me by my wife, the one who purchased it for me for our 5th anniversary (7/1/1989) on a day when I abandoned her in Disneyland with a 3 year old in a stroller, while she was several months pregnant with baby #2. All in the name of trying to be a good youth pastor, supervising students in the Park while my wife was left flying solo. Fortunately, a couple in our church, 15-20 years my senior, & also on the trip, were watching out for her & helped her with my son. I make myself sick even with the memory of it. I can’t believe I did that. All in the name of The Job for the Machine. And selfishness. What a tool am I. And she bought me a watch to say she loved me anyway.

Reminds me of the depth of depravity of my soul. Sigh.

End of the year stuff…

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And the latest sign that December is here, that the year is just about to end…

Two weeks ago, I got my notification from my wonderful insurance company – they’ve been purchased by a company known as HealthNet, which means that the premium gets to be ‘adjusted’ to meet the new boss’ bottom line… welcome to the world where the privilege of having a $5000 deductible has gone to $850/month.

Had the insurance rep do some checking around – looks like I personally am uninsurable for anything less than this price because I’ve had surgery 2x in the last 10 years – both to fix hinges that had broken. So, now I’m trying to find an insurance plan that will cover the wife & kids for something less that the proverbial arm & leg & go with that… & then bank on the wonderful government of the USA to take care of my issues should I go Scarecrow from Oz…

Come Lord.

Strassbourg

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The Bean & I arrived in Frankfurt about an hour ahead of schedule – always fun to sit in the middle of the aisle, esp. when the persons directly in front & behind me were complaining about me to the flight attendant because, GASP! I had the air on & they could feel it. Perhaps because we’re packed in the plane like sardines, or because the guy in front of me had his seat so far back he might as well have been sitting in my lap. But, we slept for at least 4 hours, so 4 hours is better than no sleep. :)

We had a brief coffee with Johannes & Anja, then went to visit our friends (& hosts for the next 3 days,) Martin & Sandra. We stayed up late talking, & then crashed hard about 11 p.m.

We slept for about 12 hours (!)

Today, we’ve traveled to Strassbourg, France, to have a “relaxing day” in the city center, viewing old cathedrals, & reviewing the history of this city that has been at the crux of many land disputes between Germany & France – look up Alsace on Google & you’ll see what I’m talking about.

The streets we walked through had a strange blend of German architecture (like the buildings around the mayor’s office in Frankfurt) & what we saw in Zurich 2 years ago – we stopped for about an hour in the Cathedral of Strassbourg – a large, very ornate cathedral, longer than 2 football fields inside, wider than 1. It had a very hollow, almost eerie atmosphere inside, & for the most part, was completely empty except for a few, very few tourists. I sat in a row of the wooden chairs near the front of the church, & thought & prayed – thanking God that He hears our prayers, that we can pray directly to Him because of Jesus, & that He lives in us through the Holy Spirit. We had some talks about God living in us vs. living in a building, & what would motivate a people to build such a cathedral…

It’s cold (about 28-32 F) with intermittent rain, so we ducked into as many cafe’s as possible to have an espresso or cappuccino, before we once again braved the elements to walk the streets.

We hope to eat at McDonald’s tonight – a little taste of home. :)

Please pray for favor for us in our coming meetings, starting Sunday afternoon – we really feel the difference that your prayers make.

I’ll be blogging again soon!
Blessings to you

Louie & Joni

some days…

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Seems like there is a conspiracy of some sort… a conspiracy to antagonize me until I finally snap, & really lose it. Get angry. Throw stuff. Yell. Have a fit. This isn’t a new thing. It happens all the time. A little something something pulls at me, twists me to give in to the rage, to “vent.” To allow myself the indulgence of a rant.

Yet there’s the whisper that says no. Don’t. I don’t need to. It won’t bring the relief that it promises. The resulting frustrations & regrets far outweigh the false luxury of temporary giving away of control.

It doesn’t really matter if it’s been “dumb people,” as I know that I am someone’s dumb person. (BTW: please don’t write me to confirm. I really, really would encourage you to KITY, which is my own acronym, just created for Keep it to Yourself…) Life is full of frustrations. Long lines. Computer updates that create snafus with the other programs on the computer. People that one has to interact with in order to transact business, eat a meal, fill a prescription, find necessary information… if I were to lose it every time I was justified in “losing it,” I think that I’d be going off pretty much all the time. And the issue would be selfishness. Self-focus. Pride. Me issues.

And the indulgence of flesh gives place to the dark-side… provides a pivot point, a manipulation station the enemy can work from, in complete anonymity, hiding behind my well-developed sense of offense, wronged-ness, & me-ness.

Note: please go easy on the scoey-isms that have entered the blog. If you’re reading, it’s late. I’m tired. Frustrated. Bothered at several wasted hours. At dust & dirt. Silly dogs. Eyes that itch & burn & are really red, that EVERYONE is finding it necessary to point out to me.

we care a lot…

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Not a Faith No More reference…We Care A Lot is about a conversation I was having with a friend the other day about my friend’s hope/wish/want to be able to help another, mutual, friend… Vague enough for you? Don’t want to expose the friend or the mutual friend, so I must speak in riddles…

Anyway, my friend’s mourning over the struggles, issues, & general pain that our mutual friend was experiencing reminded me of some great advice I was given by my friend, Chuck. Chuck said:

First: it’s not your job to die FOR your church, your friends, or for anyone else. Jesus already did.

Second: No matter what someone else’s troubles, difficulties, or life situation is, you cannot care more about it than they do… it’s a black-hole that is very hard to escape.

Made me think…how often have I expended great amounts of energy in helping a friend/other to navigate through a situation only to find that when push came to shove & a tough call had to be made, a tough call that just might have made it so that the friend/other could extricate themselves from the rough/tough situation, that the person I was helping would decide that they didn’t want to get out, didn’t want to move on from their situation… but they still wanted all the support & people walking with them that they could find? (Yes, that incredibly long sentence started with a question, so I have to put a ? at the end of it… had to re-read the sentence too, as I was completely lost. But I digress.)

People don’t always want out the situations that they’re in – sometimes, it’s their own life choices that keep them in the vicious circle that they’re trapped in… & I realize that they’re not trapped so much as stuck. And I see that I care more about what they’re doing/facing than they seem to… and I ponder if it’s my role at all to be apart of the situation any longer…

But then to have a boundary, to say “no more” is deemed judgmental & unChristian.

And… I still care a lot…

connect – the – dots, la-la-la-la…

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It’s not like I think about thinking – it just happens. I ponder. I wonder. I examine situations, scenarios, possiblities, from just about every angle that I can. (BTW: The Bean says its one of the things that she loves about me, watching me examine the situation, put together related scenarios & bits of info to construct the big picture, which she likes to call “connecting the dots,” completely unlike PeeWee on PeeWee’s Playhouse, where he’d shout out, “Connect the dots! La la la la!” Pure magic. The caveat to the Bean’s liking of my thinking – the examination/evaluation shouldn’t be aimed anywhere near her general direction. The scrutiny of the “thinking microscope” is fairly intense, or so she tells me. Potentially relentless. But I digress…)

The thinking thing can be a gift. But when it turns into ‘overthink’ it’s more like a curse. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow outside of Sacramento with a supervisor – it’s been in the works since 10/5, & it was asked for by him… that means that I have had about 20 days to think. About. What. He. Wants. To. Talk. About.

The preparer in me wants to create, work through, & then solve every potential scenario, every interaction, every possible word that could be said so that if any of the scenarios’ actually does pop up, I’d be ready. However, it is impossible to predict what is on his mind, & the quest to “think through this,” in advance actually ends up being very, very destructive. Consuming. Frustrating. Counterproductive. Paralyzing. Esp. on the off chance (15-20% if you’re taking odds) that this could be a rough meeting.

So I find myself practicing rest in the middle of stress – breathing out confusion & tension, breathing in the peace of the Holy Spirit. Bringing myself to sit quietly on my purple chair (its comfy!) & reminding myself that a) I am not God b) I am not in charge & c) I know who is. I submit my thoughts, the wild, crazy, stuff that I won’t even type here thoughts, & the challenging, potentially life-sucking practical thoughts as well. Submit them. To God. Under His feet. Me, sitting at His feet. Just a boy, trying to figure it out on the fly, but really now trying to just BE, making the presence of God my priority.

(PS – why the photo? I’ve got a soft spot in me heart for PeeWee Herman, as the Bean & I met when she did my make-up at a camp where I played Mr. PWH for a week-long tour that was actually extended into a couple of extra guest appearances later in the summer…)

what is the measure of your success? and other questions to ponder…

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Feeling a bit pensive today- & wanted to share the love.

How does one know if what they’re doing is a success or a failure?
What constitutes a successful life?
Is it silly to think in terms of success & failure when it comes to evaluating a life/life decisions?
Is it accumulation of stuff? Wealth? Friendships? Philanthropy/benevolence/humanitarianism? Education? Accomplishments?

What standard will I be measured with? Against?

WHAT IS THE MEASURE OF YOUR SUCCESS?

© Roland Steven Taylor, from the Album “I Predict 1990”

In this city I confess
I am driven to possess
answer no one, let them guess
are you someone I impress?

I am a big boss
with a short fuse
I have a nylon carpet and rubber shoes
and when I shake hands
you’ll get a big shock
you’ll be begging for mercy when the champ is through
you’d better believe I’ll put the clamps on you

In this city, be assured
some will rise above the herd
feed the fatted, leave the rest
this is how we won the West

I am a safebox
I am the inner sanctum when the door locks
I own the passkey
you say you can’t take it with you?
we’ll see about that, won’t we?

push…push…push…

In this city I confess
god is mammon, more is less
off like lemmings at the gun
I know better, still I run

I am an old man
and the word came
but you can’t buy time on a good name
now when the heirs come around like buzzards on a kill
I see my reflection in their envious eyes
I’d watch it all burn
to buy another sunrise

Some men find the fire escape
old men learn it all too late
push…push…push the alarm
old MacDonald’s bought the farm

Friday fodder…

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  • Pasty has 2 more games left in his season, then he believes that he’ll be called up to Varsity for the playoffs. He’s really been enjoying being a tackling target for practices this week. Woohoo.
  • The David Crowder Concert that me, The Moses, the Crow, & Schoern attended on Tuesday at the Fillmore in SF was worth the 7 hours of travels. What stood out to me: musicality; humor; incredible lyrics that could be understood (& were projected on a small screen, stage right); great interaction with the crowd.
  • Directly in contrast to the other 2 acts – The Myriad. This group sounded a lot like, a lot, alot a LOT like they were a Radiohead tribute band that also liked Coldplay & had heard Rebel Yell as well. The smoke machine made it interesting, as did the emo meets 1870’s bank teller outfit on a guitar player. I liked the wall of noise they used… Then came Phil Wickham. The presentation was frantic; frenetic; forced; TheMoses thought it was manipulative (& I couldn’t argue against it…) What I couldn’t get past was that it sounded like he had inhaled a bunch of helium & drank about 42 espressos before he hit the stage. Then came Crowder, & all was right with the world… At least for me & the boys.
  • I’m really enjoying the Roundabout discussions as well – where we pick a topic & talk about it – for more, check out: Roundabout.
  • While I blog, I’ve been listening to the Podcast “Converts to Hell” from Rob Bell/Mars Hill – he nailed something – the gist of it is: we think that if we pray “the prayer” & go to church weekly, that it will guarantee or promise a “good life.” Good relationships. Faithfulness from spouse & friends. Kids that grow up big & strong, loving Jesus. But it doesn’t. And it won’t. Because there’s no superstition or formula or quick fix to Christ-following. It’s learning, growing, & obeying.
  • We have a new dog – it’s Pastor Jack’s brother from the same litter she came from – the owner gave the dog, formerly known as “Tiny Tim” due to a hip issue caused limp, now called “Little Mac Baggins” to us (in a very roundabout way,) as she was unable to care for the dog anymore. One day of conflict has been followed by two dogs that are the best of friends & true partners in crime. I’ll try & get a picture of the two together & post it – Little Mac is a black & rust colored weiner dog, while Little Pastor Jack is all rusty-brown. Which reminds me…
  • Life is better with friends…

    • Fascinating

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    I saw this Headline News interview called YOGA & the Christian. Its about 7 minutes long, very worth watching.

    I was very intrigued by the dialogue between MacArthur & Pagitt, esp. when MacArthur challenges Pagitt’s statements about “wholeness.”

    Not sure if it is a generational issue, a world-view issue, or a combo of both. Or?