It’s not like I think about thinking – it just happens. I ponder. I wonder. I examine situations, scenarios, possiblities, from just about every angle that I can. (BTW: The Bean says its one of the things that she loves about me, watching me examine the situation, put together related scenarios & bits of info to construct the big picture, which she likes to call “connecting the dots,” completely unlike PeeWee on PeeWee’s Playhouse, where he’d shout out, “Connect the dots! La la la la!” Pure magic. The caveat to the Bean’s liking of my thinking – the examination/evaluation shouldn’t be aimed anywhere near her general direction. The scrutiny of the “thinking microscope” is fairly intense, or so she tells me. Potentially relentless. But I digress…)
The thinking thing can be a gift. But when it turns into ‘overthink’ it’s more like a curse. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow outside of Sacramento with a supervisor – it’s been in the works since 10/5, & it was asked for by him… that means that I have had about 20 days to think. About. What. He. Wants. To. Talk. About.
The preparer in me wants to create, work through, & then solve every potential scenario, every interaction, every possible word that could be said so that if any of the scenarios’ actually does pop up, I’d be ready. However, it is impossible to predict what is on his mind, & the quest to “think through this,” in advance actually ends up being very, very destructive. Consuming. Frustrating. Counterproductive. Paralyzing. Esp. on the off chance (15-20% if you’re taking odds) that this could be a rough meeting.
So I find myself practicing rest in the middle of stress – breathing out confusion & tension, breathing in the peace of the Holy Spirit. Bringing myself to sit quietly on my purple chair (its comfy!) & reminding myself that a) I am not God b) I am not in charge & c) I know who is. I submit my thoughts, the wild, crazy, stuff that I won’t even type here thoughts, & the challenging, potentially life-sucking practical thoughts as well. Submit them. To God. Under His feet. Me, sitting at His feet. Just a boy, trying to figure it out on the fly, but really now trying to just BE, making the presence of God my priority.
(PS – why the photo? I’ve got a soft spot in me heart for PeeWee Herman, as the Bean & I met when she did my make-up at a camp where I played Mr. PWH for a week-long tour that was actually extended into a couple of extra guest appearances later in the summer…)