more musings, or "It’s Monday again…"

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I’m trying to get back to my Boundaries series… it will happen. Oh, yes. It will.

Can’t believe its already been 1 week since my last post… where does the time go? Maybe if I had an x-box of my own, I could totally get into Assassin’s Creed or some other sweet RPG that I could then blame for the loss of time. But I got nothin’…

After much discussion, the Bean & I are off to the Center For Spiritual Renewal to rest, receive counsel, grow together… to discover new ways to live & work together, as a team, working at this mission we’re both on. It’s kinda about church, but its mostly about us & how we’ll live out in the various contexts that life entails for us… church. Looking at 8/9 – 8/20, including travel dates. Anyone ever been to Christiansburg, VA? Shontell? Got any advice?

A good cup of coffee is hard to find. I am not pleased with my coffee maker right now. Yes, it is an inanimate object, but I am thinking of dropping it for a good French Press…

Stargate: Continuum comes out tomorrow. With Jack O’Neill. 2 L’s. I smile. Need a reminder?

Ellie G can crawl. Made it into my office even. I must remember to stock my desk with plenty of treats so that she’ll never leave. Chocolate icing seems to be the favorite. Don’t tell.

The company that almost finished our patio is nowhere to be found. No returned calls. No messages. Nothing. All we need is a ‘sealer’ for the concrete. Cause man, it’s cured by now. Amigos, where are you?

Friday, I get to be a part of a wedding ceremony… As one of my “parts” in the ceremony, I get to fulfill a dweam wiffin a dweam. I get to say a line, then lift up my right hand, out to the side, about shoulder level, palm up, & then everyone repeats after me. Ahhh. Nice. I’ll just have to remember not to do it in my Heemo-shermo voice. (Demonstrations available upon request…)

Somedays, when I feel like I do today, I just wish that I was in Disneyland. Or California Adventure. Not necessarily even on the rides. Walking Main Street. Near the Grizzly Bear mountain. Smelling the happy food smells. Watching my family enjoy themselves. Nighttime. Definitely at night time. I’d even eat ice-cream today.

On that note, the special diet is working well – I’m in the groove, though softball on Mondays & Tuesdays has really thrown a monkey wrench into the gym schedule. Trying to pace myself so I don’t run out of gas… haven’t got to weigh myself in a week, so I don’t know what the damage is… last time I was at 28 pounds. Gone. And I said, “Whoooaaahhhh…”

But I find that I am dreaming of food. Stuff like chocolate cupcakes. Fudge brownies. Pizza. Pinocchio’s wings. Claim Jumper Chocoholic Cake. Joey cakes. Hmmm. Now I’m salivating. Anybody want to make it for my berfday? Bean? Are you reading this still? Please?

I’m going to try to put the Boundaries #4 post up tomorrow… but don’t sue me if it doesn’t happen until Wednesday.

Ciao!

musings on a Monday…

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Had a long weekend. 1st with the “Midsummer Nights Dream.” Then with a Saturday/Sunday trip to Fresno w/the fam to hang with the Chums… Made the trip in 4 1/2 hours both ways – 300 miles from doorstep to doorstep – lots of time driving, but not too draining.

MND – the play – was 3 hours long. Fortunately, we had arrived at the Lake around 2, hung in the sun, swam in the not-so-chilly waters, & ate all we could get our hands on… entered the amphitheatre around 5:30 p.m. & made our way to our seats – right in the front of the Lower Gallery. Nice. Good people watching time, coupled with great vino, cheese, & salamali (some call it ‘salami’ but hey, when Weezer made up the word “Salamali” it stuck as a staple at the house.)

It started right on time, & was set in the modern day, with Oberon & Puck (& the other fairies) represented by American Indian-themed characters. Very nice. It was hard not to hear Opie’s “Brother Elk” voice talking about diseased blankets, but overall a good time was had by all, & it was a great time with the family & friends. We received a small dose of culture. Don’t know if it will sink in.

Fresno was hot; imagine that. Our friends have a pool. I don’t think our kids got out of it. OK, Pasty did, but only to shower to get the chlorine smell off of him. Gotta love it.

We had good food, good conversation, & a good time with our friends – & with their church family on Sunday.

Looking back, I see I’ve known Chum for 17 years – & we’re still friends. Talk a couple times a week. Celebrate life’s joys. Cry together over the crud. Deep talks. Shallow stuff. Sci-fi. Movies & popcorn. The works. The more time passes, & the more I see/experience what passes for faithful friendship, the more I appreciate him… Integrity. Maturity. Faithfulness. Grace. Forgiveness. Perseverance. And he’s still my friend after all these years, which says something.

The Dark Knight is on my list of things to do this week. Now I just need to find a couple of free hours & some buttered popcorn goodness.

GSR has a special right now: $7.77 for a stay in the hotel any Sun-Wed between July 1 & 31. What? No info on their website, but if you call, you can get the rate. They even advertised it to us Locals via a postcard.

The political doublespeak that accompanies the presidential election is in full swing. Hearing ‘stated truth’ presented to one group of people, while at the same time “ground-level truth” is given to a ‘group of insiders’ is pretty nauseating. Guess that’s why I never wanted to get into politics… or something like that.

Softball game tonight at the Golden Eagle fields – at 10p.m. How is this a good idea?

I’ll let you know…

a great summer night…

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At long last… the day has arrived. Or will. Tomorrow. The Bean & I, along with our fam & some great friends, are off to Sand Harbor for the day – sand, cold water, sun, lounging. A cooler full of refreshments. A book or 10. Ahhhh.

As if that wasn’t enough, about 5:30, we’ll meander over to the Pseudo-amphitheatre to take our seats… for the Shakespeare festival… we’re going to be seeing “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” The play starts around 7:30. It’s supposed to be a full-moon. We’re bringing the salami, cheese, & vino.

Can’t wait.

Boundaries In Marriage, #3

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Boundaries are misunderstood – as though they are some sort of special ‘fix-all’ that are applied to ‘other people’ to magically change another person’s behaviors or to modify their actions.

That’s not setting boundaries – that’s try to control others… Boundaries are set on ourselves. Boundaries are about self-control. Learning to self-regulate, & take responsibility for me, my own wants, desires, choices, & actions.

Boundaries are about truth – me being truthful with myself, & with others with the choices I make; what I will do & won’t do. It might be easier to blame others for our internal dissatisfaction, &/or the situation that we’ve found ourselves in, as connected to them, but in reality, our life situation is largely (not totally – as I’m wanting to avoid blanket statements :) due to what we’ve allowed/tolerated/gone along with because of our people pleasing issues. Or our desire to avoid conflict.

Creating & applying boundaries is taking responsibility for myself in the context of relationship with others. It’s making consistent choices to affect personal change so as not to continually place myself in a hurtful, damaging, controlling situation.

Boundaries are not withdrawal from relationship either:

Boundaries are only built & established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the 1st step of boundaries is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against developing boundaries with another person. The only place boundaries are real is in relationship with another person.

So, every relationship is affected by the boundaries I set, because the boundaries I set have to do with me. And that’s a great place to start affecting change…
To be continued…

Drive-bys…

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Plucky’s Pixie Post reminded me of a ‘drive-by’ funkiness that I experienced not too long ago.

A guy, in Christian leadership, that I see about 4 times a year came up to me after one of the events that we both happened to be attending. All of my lifetime interactions with this individual had been at most benign, at best innocuous.

He told me that he needed to talk to me. As we were the last two people in the room, I thought that where we were was as good a spot as any – & couldn’t for the life of me figure out what would prompt this private conversation.

He started the conversation with, “I just want you to know that I have had a problem with you for a long time, & that I’m letting it go. I forgive you.”

Me: “Hmm. Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “Ummm… I don’t want to talk about it. I just forgive you, ok?”

Me: “Not ok. You came over to say you ‘forgive me’ & won’t even tell me what I supposedly have done. That’s hippy BS.” (Note: scoey’s filters are down…)

Him: “Well, goodbye.”

Me: “What the heck?”

The whole interchange left me scratching my head:

  • what just happened?
  • what was he saying?
  • what is going on here?
  • how in any world is dropping a random, unsolicited, uncommunicated “I forgive you” on another person, (in Jesus name, of course?)

    So – a drive-by. Hits you when you least expect it. No rhyme or reason. Like someone dumping a load of trash on your property, as though to say, “It’s your problem now…”

    Sigh.

    • Boundaries In Marriage, #2

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    A few things happened in a pretty short period of time that exposed & uncovered thoughts, beliefs, & mindsets – maybe that I’d not articulated before – or ever owned up to.

    What came up were thoughts about what it means to be ‘nice’ – be a ‘good Christian’ – to ‘respect & honor’ others…

    The lie that was exposed (ala theophostic before I knew what theophostic was)

    to say “no” to someone, even if I really wanted to, is un-Christian

    Think about that.

    It will pop up with total strangers, door-to-door religion salesmen, close friends, extended & nuclear family… & it centers on living for the approval of others (&/or for the absence of real/perceived conflict) while violating (sinning against) myself.

    Functioning with few/no boundaries is like having no fence in the yard around my property. And then having friends, neighbors, strangers, consistently utilize our area, our yard, our driveway to park their cars, clutter, garbage, dog poop in my space… And to say anything about it, to say, this isn’t ok, is to be thought of, in reality or in our own minds as being “not nice.” Selfish. Un-Christian.

    SIDE NOTE: This can end up sounding a lot like a series of “Sabbath” posts. That’s ok – as drawing a line (boundary), saying Yes & No congruently with our heart, embracing limits – is a bit of what goes into the Sabbath, & what I know in retrospect that God used these experiences to kick start the response in me to the leading of the Holy Spirit – & His reminders about entering His Rest.

    A part of boundaries is knowing me – really knowing who I am; my identity, personality, strengths & weaknesses; what I want – my hopes, dreams, & desires – & what I don’t – meaninglessness, loneliness, lack of fulfillment… It’s knowing & choosing to live for God’s purpose in & for my life. Boundaries reminded me that I’m accountable for how I ‘steward’ – utilize – the time I’m given; this means living with purpose & determination, even in seemingly small things.

    I can’t do everything – I can’t please everyone – I can understand that I have limits. And embrace them – not as a character flaw but as a part of being human.

    Because if I don’t live this way, someone else will come up with a purpose or plan for me – maybe not intentionally destructive – something that uses me for their purpose or plan. If/when this is happening enough, the resulting chaos, self-loathing, relational conflicts, & discouragement are deadly to self & to close relationships.

    So, the question: How can I have, nurture, maintain my relationship with my wife & close friends if I’m consistently not honoring myself or those relationships because I either won’t establish any clear boundaries, or won’t ‘enforce them?’ Is my marriage worth prioritizing as the primary relationship on the planet? For me, yes. And, it takes two to tango…:)

    More to come…

    Boundaries In Marriage, #1

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    A few years ago, (ok, now that I think about it, its more than a few. About…7? 8?) I came across a book that eventually ended up transforming my life & my marriage – it was Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend (which sounds like a great name for a ’60s folk group. But I digress…) Its one of the reasons that me & the Bean are probably going to lead a small group this Fall 2008 semester called “Boundaries In Marriage.” (I ripped off the title from another book. But that’s for later.)

    The high point for me was that it articulated very clearly & concisely something key for enjoying life in its fullness: we need to be able to say “Yes” & “No” – in a way that our outward declarations jive with our inner values, thoughts, feelings, emotions, & to me the most important – our relationships with the people closest to us. That a lot of us struggle with ‘people pleasing’ & end up functioning in an incongruent way – we are saying Yes to stuff we really want to say No to. And vice-versa. Because we want the approval of the one we’re speaking to. Or something like that. We’re afraid of being rejected. Minimized. Thought to be inferior in some way. Mocked. Derided. You get the idea.

    I’m going to blog about this in the context of marriage, but please don’t check out on me if you’re single – the concept applies across the board for close friendships/relationships. One of the biggest issues that this exposed was the very common choice in marriage relationships for one person in the relationship to choose to say “yes” to a person not in the immediate relationship to avoid conflict (or any of the above negatives,) knowing full well that it means that the person they’re married to will have to bear the brunt of their decision. In effect, they will ‘choose’ to fight it out with their spouse etc. rather that with the person of lesser status (meaning that the spouse takes #1 spot in life. Or should.) They ‘prefer’ the person that is not the spouse over the spouse. Which stinketh, because the whole ‘leave & cleave’ part of the marriage vows have to do with the ‘preference’ of spouse relationship over all others – not rejecting other relationships, but recognizing that if we’re marrying, this relationship takes preeminence over the rest.

    Hope you’re still with me – I’d never heard of Boundaries before, but I understood the concept – believing that we all need/have a set of life-guiding values that help us know what to say “Yes” & “No” to. And why. Maybe not everyone has these. The values help us to not be tossed to & fro by someone else’s ‘vision’ for our life – no matter how influential or significant the role they play (or want to play) in our life. Or have played in the past. Seems it usually pops up with extended family (parents, siblings, & others of that ilk) & close friends, but it sometimes happens elsewhere…

    This isn’t a unique issue that only a few ‘weak’ people struggle with; from my experience in pre/post marriage counseling, the area of ‘preference of spouse’ & knowing, establishing, & maintaining healthy boundaries is a major, major issue for a lot of couples. And if it isn’t for one spouse, it often is for the other. Which means its a problem for both. (Kind of along the lines of “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Or something like that.)

    Why did it change my life/marriage? I’ll get there. It’s dinner time – & I’ll pick up my ramblings when I get a chance. Ciao!

    What goes around…

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    Mr H’s post sums up my last 24 hours as well. It seems that there is a bug on the loose, & it stopped to chill with me for a bit. In retrospect, I look back to a rough Friday & Saturday night as well, & see that they were just a hint of what was to come. (I’ll leave the gory details to Dave to tell. But I will say that I feel his pain.)

    I know that Brother was battling on Sunday. Heard about Mr H. Matty. Now Aric. You get the theme… Makes me wonder… were there any adult women that got this bug? So far, all I’ve seen, heard, & experienced has been the men suffering, with the weemuns bravely soldiering on, caring for self, spouse, & family, with the wind blowing in their angelic, nay, saintly hair. Or something like that.

    I’m sure that woman aren’t immune to this bug, but my completely unscientific splanation is that I should wash me hands more. With soap even. 30 seconds. Maybe more.

    Milestone…

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    This a.m., my daughter, the Weez, the youngest child, the only girl, the character actress, the songster, the Princess Buttercup… is off to Jr High Camp… as a camper. Sigh…

    Time flies.