Musings on a Thursday…

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Coffee tastes better in a “for here cup” than in a “to-go cup.” The Starbucks @ Kent Square also has a great atmosphere that makes the coffee better. Truly. And just around the corner, hidden away, is a great cookie store called Crumb & Get It. TheBean had a chocolate/chocolate-chip, warmed up, along with her Grande Pike Place. I picked out some of the chips; think that they were bittersweet chocolate, instead of the semi-sweet (read: Nestle Tollhouse) that I’m used to sniping at home. A great store. Thanks for the heads up on it Shontell.

Something that has popped up a lot in my studies & preparations (reading Job, Galatians, & the 1, 2, & 3 Johns; & works by Eugene Peterson, and Henri Nouwen, and Jerry Cook, et al) has been the idea & need of people to be known & understood… & how this ‘understanding’ is often tied to ‘agreeing’ with someone. Can it be that there is ‘understanding’ without ‘agreeing’? I think so, but it seems that the two often get tied together… & thus conflict arises & develops where one strives for ‘agreement’ in the name of ‘understanding’…

On that note – one of the major challenges for me (& for the Christ-follower in general) is to learn to differentiate between “agreement” & “acceptance”. We often equate ‘acceptance’ of a person, (esp. those that are different than us in their morals, values, choices, political outlook, preferences,) with ‘agreeing’ with the person. And don’t want to be associated with the person’s views, values, etc. that we DON’T agree with, so there’s no acceptance. And we end up hanging out with or including only those that agree with us. E.G. It’s the bone that the religious legalists had to pick with Jesus – in that He hung with people whose lives were disagreeable to their idea of propriety – one’s that they didn’t agree with. And couldn’t see how Jesus could accept them knowing the points of obvious disagreement, that Jesus HAD to see. To me, its a life-calling for everyone that wants to walk in Jesus’ footsteps: extend acceptance, w/o condescension or judgment. At the least, it’s food for thought.

Even though there is a lot of ‘down’ time, we’re filling it with silence (reading &/or thinking,) hanging out in beautiful, warm spots on the VTU campus, & having shared experiences, (ala the baseball trips, walking the Blacksburg Farmer’s Market, cruising the “Mall”, sitting at TOTS, & having long talks about nothing & everything. It’s feeding & watering to the soul, & is a blessed respite for the two of us.

As time goes by, I become more & more aware that good friends are to be treasured.

Again, I’m reminded that Reno is a great place to live. Hmmm. Contented sigh.

Craving movie popcorn for the last couple of days. I think I need.

Day 3

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Started the morning with some link sausage & eggs, covered with whipped cream. Either my taste buds are wacky now, or I’ve discovered one of those little joys of how certain foods go well together, even when they may not be usually paired together. Went to my 1st solo appointment with Chuck – hit the ground running (ok, talking) & really enjoyed the conversation… it really was a time of ‘connecting the dots’ for me – esp. in light of the EHS materials that I’ve been going over for the last while.

Finished up & had to process – lots of processing – lucky for me, the gym was open, so I went in & ran around for about an hour, shot some hoop, & checked out the ‘weight room;’ decided “No Thanks!” on the weights & shot some more. It was sweltering in the gym – which is almost the perfect atmosphere for what I was doing.

After getting cleaned up, theBean & I went to WalMart to return some defective hair product, then headed back to our favorite spot that we’ve discovered so far: the Starbucks @ Kent Square. TheBean picked up a magazine or two from the VTU student union building, & I dove back into A Long Obedience… We hung out outside until our parking stub had to be re-validated.

By that time, we were pretty hungry; & I was craving wings – & thought that I’d seen an ad for a Buffalo Wild Wings somewhere in Blacksburg. We didn’t know for sure, but were both feeling pretty adventurous – & decided to try & deduce where a Buffalo Wild Wings SHOULD be, & then go find it. We both agreed that the best place for such a business would be in close proximity to the campus in order to take advantage of the ‘locusts’ – kinda like you see around the UNR campus.

So, we had a plan, & a general idea, & started driving. Did a couple of switchbacks & U-Turns, & found a street that looked promising – boom. There it is. Total search time: 10 minutes. Nice. We are awesome.

The first night, we’d gone to Salem to catch a Carolina League, “High” Class A baseball game; tonight we wanted to try something different, a trip to Pulaski for a Rookie League game. Drove about 20 minutes to the I-81 exit, & then drove through town, looking for the park where the game would be held. It was only 6 p.m. but the streets were totally barren, like everyone had been raptured but us. Nothing & no one anywhere. We drove for about 30 minutes looking for the park, driving up & down insanely steep hills, through neighborhoods that made me wish I warn’t so ‘city-fied’. Finally, we found a service station, & a nice guy named Doug that pointed us in the direction of the park. Took 5 minutes to get there.

All I can say is that Calfree Park, home of the Pulaski Mariners, is as far from the Salem experience we had, as is the east from the west. Wow. For theBean, who loves people watching, we entered a gold mine. It was “Halloween In August” night at the game, which meant lots of people dressed up in all sorts of costumes, with a Mayberry flair (& I mean that in a good way.) Other highlights from the night:

  • There was 6 feet difference between the general admission seats & the box seats.
  • One of the “Reserved Box Seats” was called the “No Red Sox” Box. No fans of the Sox were allowed inside it.
  • The ball game seemed to be a social highlight, so there was all kinds of strutting going on, from the teen girl squad, to the pseudo-jock crowd, to the good old boys, to the ‘looking back at the glory days’ group – pretty amazing. (Again, a gold mine.)
  • The announcer (& press box crew) took every opportunity to show off their ability to use technology (sound effects, including some from movies, & music) to poke fun at the other team – the Bluefield Orioles. For example, one of the guys (the oldest players are 21 & 22; some are 17 & 18) had a Giambi-like mustache; whenever he came to the plate, the announcer would play the Magnum PI theme song. Priceless. And for a strike out? Wayne & Garth saying “Schwing!”
  • The two 10-12 year old boys behind us had a running commentary going on – think Opie meets the Dukes of Hazzard. Then they got onto the topic of which one of them was “sexier” than the other. Finally, one of them said, “I am soooo sexy, that I’ve got two middle names. Sexy & sexy.” I lost it when they then fought over which one had the sexiest mother.
  • TheBean, in her people watching, had a couple of gems as well; she asked, “Are these people all related? Because they all look alike. Especially the small noses…”

    Good times. The home team lost a pitchers duel (2-0) but it was a great experience. Again. We’ll probably catch at least one more game while we’re here… probably in Salem.

    Ended the night with Double Cheeseburgers, 47 Pound Rooster, & the Office. And some deep talks. Very nice. Here’s some pics.





    • Day 2 – VTU & the Ballgame…

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    Bean & I started our trek into Blacksburg with a stop at Starbucks, a beautiful brick building on the edge of campus – interesting to see the area almost totally empty, knowing that in about 3 days, all of that is going to change as students descend on the campus for the Fall semester. A person we talked to described it as the ‘coming of the locusts.’ I hope to see it… from a safe distance of course. From there it was on to the Campus Store, where one can purchase all things Hokie, (no pun intended). All I could see was wave after wave of orange & brown. I picked up a couple of hats & a shirt for the kids. Don’t tell them, as it’s a surprise.


    We walked the area around the campus entrance for a few minutes & took the requisite pictures in front of the sign at the entrance.

    Actually, we took more than a few pictures, but with the combo of our camera, the time of day (about 4:30 which isn’t late, no, no, it’s early, early…) & my technical expertise, we didn’t manage to get any usable ones. Which, for fans of digital cameras, you can know is quite the accomplishment. Yay me.

    Suffice it to say: lots of rolling green grass, row upon row of trees… a really nice place… & almost completely devoid of people. Except a couple of over-achiever early arrivals (probably engineering students…)

    Baseball is beautiful.

    We left for Salem, VA to catch the Avalanche game with the Braves affiliate from Myrtle Beach – the Pelicans (who wore a baby blue ensemble that would have made Stacy & Clinton cringe.) Bought box seats ($8/each) in the 4th row behind the home dugout. Turns out the Avs are in last place. There was a lack of energy in the place, (dugout included) that even theBean noticed. Throughout the game the ‘energy lack’ showed up with uninspired play at times, a few defensive miscues, 3 separate baserunning (or base-coaching) issues, 3 times having the bases loaded, 3 times not scoring. Ouch.

    No matter. We were at a baseball game. The weather was beautiful, the setting was next to perfect. No one was around for 3 or 4 rows, though Annie Savoy was in the front row, greeting all the players (& coaches) every time they ran off of the field. Living out the local version of Bull Durham… Weird.

    By the 6th inning beer goggles & beer muscles were in full-effect. TheBean & I laughed constantly, esp. because the Appalachian accent gets more pronounced in proportion to the amount of beer consumed. Very nice.

    All kidding aside – there were many, many highlights from the night – one of which was watching the ‘community’ – people who attend the games with season tickets – interacting with each other, catching up, being in each others lives. Made me long for next year when Reno gets our own team (actually Tucson’s team. Thanks Tucson!) To be able to hang with family & friends is something that I’m really looking forward to.

    Again, baseball is beautiful. I took some pictures of the field, & got a semi-closeup of Koby Clemens, catcher for the Avs – he didn’t play, but…

    After the game (stayed through the last out, baby!) we exited the parking lot without any trouble – & drove the 25 minutes ‘home’ to CSR, with only a stop by McDonald’s for dinner. I needed to get my 5 Double Cheeseburgers for $5. In our living room, theBean ate leftover scallops from Outback, while I scarfed my burgers. We shared some Gnarly Head Cab & watch a couple episodes of “The Office” – Season 3, w/the deleted scenes. The Diwali episode was priceless.

    Ahhh. All in all, a very nice day.

    And now the pics – enjoy!





    Day 2

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    TheBean & I got up about 8 local time, meaning that we’re probably one day away from being acclimated to the time difference on EST… Found that the campus has a gym (parque’ floor, ala the old Boston Garden) with glass backboards, & an atmosphere like Hickory High‘s gym… I checked in & found that it is ok to shoot there, so I’ll be headed up this afternoon before the ‘city league’ games start.

    Then I found the weight room with treadmill… ahhh… no sedentary 10 days for me.

    Our appointment with Chuck was at 11:15, so we made our way up to his office & waited for the previous appointments to leave. When our time came, we ended up just sitting down for 30 seconds or so, before Chuck decided he was hungry & then, so were we. We decided to hit Ruby Tuesday’s for lunch – & found that it sure has changed since we last went there. But I digress.

    Most of the meal & for about an hour after we were done, we talked about what we hope to accomplish while we’re here in Christiansburg, the reason that we made the trek across the country. We want to see a new way of relating to each other emerge, take shape. In the areas of being husband/wife, friends, partners in ministry, & in leading Hillside. And, we talked quite a bit about how we believe the last year to 18 months has gone… leading up to & since the Sabbath break. A good time was had by all. :)

    Tomorrow at 9 a.m., I’m going in solo; & I’m greatly looking forward to it.

    We’re hoping to head into Blacksburg to go to the Hokie Spoke a student store for VTU, where one can pick up all kinds of football & other paraphenalia… legal paraphenalia that is. Then later, we’re off to see either the Salem Avalanche or the Pulaski Mariners – as I found out that there is YET ANOTHER place to catch Minor League Baseball within about 20 minutes. Joy! We’re going to talk about it a bit, then head out for the afternoon.

    Arrivaderci!

    Day 1, Addendum…

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    We found our way to Starbucks; the familiarity (& the caffeine) of the quad grande Americano with room helped orient me to travel & explore mode. Sat for about 40 minutes enjoying the fruit of the Java bean, & then got onto ‘Main St.” & decided to take it wherever it went. Ate at the Cracker Barrell. Shopped for the bare necessities (called Breakfast & 2nd breakfast) at Walmart, as we’re doing all our own food while we’re here. Apart from the occasional eat out, its link sausages & whipped cream for me, & Yoplait with toast & eggs for the Bean.

    Another note: we didn’t really leave Main Street, so what we saw was all along this route, not to the right or the left…

    What stood out to me:

  • In 1 two block stretch, there were 10 churches of various denominations, all with butt-kicking steeples. it is a snapshot of the sheer number of churches, church buildings in this area. I’ve been to Springfield, MO, home of the Church o’the Nazarene & the A.O.G., but this blew me away, esp. for a city the size of Christiansburg.
  • Also noticed quite a few “Psychic Visions” parlors – not as many as there are churches, but enough to notice.
  • Blacksburg (home of the Virginia Tech campus) is to Christiansburg what Sparks is to Reno.
  • There are at least 5 college campuses within 5 miles.
  • Cracker Barrel would fly in Reno.
  • Ran into Larry the Cable Guy about 300 times. And his brothers. Chilled with them on the porch at the CB.
  • Walmart is Walmart is Walmart. And today, that was a good thing.
  • Virginia Tech has a very cool campus – & it seems that Blacksburg is built around it…

    I’m including a few pictures of our ‘crib’ as well as one of me & the Bean, also at the Cracker Barrell. We’re off for a walk, & hopefully some interaction with others on campus. One of our prayers is that we can make a couple of friends that are at this place this week.










    • Day 1 in Christiansburg…

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    We’re here, in Christiansburg. I’d get into the gory details of our travels, but hey, we made it, none the worse for wear, & without too much confusion, though I-77N & I-77S look really, really similar, especially when its dark…)

    After sleeping in (woke up about 11 local time,) I just spent a few minutes doing some virtual searches on the net for important stuff, like Starbucks & local coffee houses. We’ll be going to the store for some staples, & probably trying to find a place to eat before too long as well.

    The place we’re staying is nice – Bean is taking pictures, but it really is great – much better than our 1st apartment; decorated very nicely (or so I’ve been told,) & with comfy couches, a TV (w/DVD player) full kitchen, dining room, & my own closet to put my stuff in. (This is important.) Also, figured out the wireless internet connection for the building we’re in. Also important.

    We’ll be taking a tour of the grounds at some point today with the Coleman’s (who oversee & care for the campus) & then the rest of the day should be up to us – exploring the town maybe. Or sitting in the inside of buildings with A/C.

    Ciao!

    Almonds, hair dryers, & other important stuff…

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    I’m off today – which means doin’ laundry; dishes; vacuuming; book-selection; travel bag cleanup; & then time to pack. One of my chores in preparation for “the Trip” was finding out what sort of amenities would be in the mini-apartment where we’re staying.

    Coffee pot? Check.
    Ironing board & iron? Check.
    Hair dryer? Check.
    NAX? Check. And they are actually personalized according to what both the Bean & I like. Almonds, jerky o’beef, peanut brittle, & wasser mit koehlensaurer (bubble water.)

    Wow. Sweet.

    Next: directions to all the places we’re headed.

    To & from the airport? (Charlotte, NC is approx. 2:40 from Christiansburg, VA) – Check.
    To & from Salem, VA, home of the Salem Avalanche, Single A affiliate of the Astros? Check.
    To Monticello, home (or should I say “Plantation”) of vastly overrated founding father, Thomas Jefferson? Check.
    To the Cracker Barrell, probably the sweetest restaurant in all of the Southern US? Check.
    To Blacksburg, home of Virginia Tech & discount Michael Vick jerseys? Check.
    To the nearest wifi connection so I can Skype my kids, blog, & change my Fantasy Baseball lineups? Pending… Hmmm.

    Found out yesterday that a good friend & his family are relocating because of a job offer. Bittersweet. It’s sweet, as we’ve been praying for a job for him… And yet bitter is because when one lives 90 minutes away, even in Nevada, life circles don’t seem to connect much. Sigh.

    One of the things I reminded myself is that in times like that, it is ok to grieve – maybe even necessary. And if grieving doesn’t happen, the emotions, feelings, pain, angst, etc. will end up coming out in other, less constructive ways. So I cried yesterday & didn’t try to stop it. And again last night. Hmmm. Probably got a couple more of those in me. & that’s ok.

    Not gonna drink the Sweet Tea. You could make Rock Candy from that stuff.

    Had a great coffee talk yesterday with Earl & Brother. Spent a big chunk of time talking through the burgeoning industry that has evolved around Church. And how this ‘business of Church” leads to Christian people coming up with all kinds of funkiness about what makes Church good. And how a ‘good Church’ or even better, a ‘cool Church’ has stuff like a ‘smokin’ hot band’ & ‘cutting edge speeches’ that make non-Christians want to alter their Sunday a.m. routine so that can come & feel the coolness.

    And somehow we think its really about Jesus & not about us… Hmmm.

    WIthout interconnected, authentic friendships & relationships, is it still Church? I wonder.

    I hope to blog our experience, but I am going to be at the foot of the Appalachians :)

    Ciao!

    Getting ready for a trip…

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    This coming Saturday, the Bean & I are off to Virginia – actually a little town called “Christiansburg.” Holy, huh? I’ve been doing some research for any down time that we might have – so that I can offer the Bean a PLETH-ora of options if & when she wants to get out & explore America’s version of Bavaria…

    One place I know we’re going is the Floyd, VA Country Store – for the Friday night clogging & bluegrass… I know we’re going, because my friend Chuck, (the guy who oversees the Pastoral Care for Foursquare) has recommended it, will be going, & has said that he loves it because it is a great picture of what church could & should be like. I’ve never clogged, but I am familiar with a rocking chair & Southern food. Hmmm.

    I found that only 25 miles away is a genuine, Class A Minor League team, the Salem Avalanche. They Avs happen to be in town for 6 of the 10 days we’re there, & the Bean has already given approval to a road trip or 3 for the night games. $7 General Admission to get in. And Koby Clemens catches for them.

    Our days will involve the two of us meeting with Chuck for counsel, then maybe 1 or the other having some solo time; in preparation for this, we’ve both been doing our ‘homework’ which means reading & listening to a lot of background material that Chuck will be bringing up with us in our talks – a lot of great, great stuff from the store at Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with resources from Peter Scazzero et al. Stuff like: “The Courage to Pursue Emotional Health;” “Accepting the Gift of Your Emotions;” “Living Faithful to Oneself;” “Going Back In Order to Go Forward;” & “Enlarging Your Soul Through Grief…” to name a few.

    We talked about it a bit yesterday in the tag-team speech; but we’re both approaching this time as a gift. We’re not going to Virginia because everything is coming apart at the seams, or because our relationship is on the rocks. We’re going because we’re fortunate enough to have a leadership team at Hillside & also in our District that believes in us, & in giving us opportunity to grow, change, & work on our relationship proactively, before we’d get to the danger zone.

    Maybe its because ‘counseling’ had been so stigmatized… spoken of in hushed tones about people who had come to the end of their rope, & as a last ditch effort, were going to counseling… That may be true for how others look at it, but for me & the Bean, its for the hope of growth & new life.

    I’m hungry – so I’m going scavenging. Until later… Ciao!

    a wedding…

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    Last night I helped to officiate at my first liturgical wedding. My cousin Justin was married – the girl he married is Catholic, & wanted to get married in the church she grew up in… her CCD teacher (Deacon Bob) & I were chosen by to be the officiants, with both of us representing the ‘faith traditions’ that the blissful couple had grown up with.

    About a month ago, Deacon Bob & I got together to work through the ceremony, & also for a crash course for me – so I could know what elements of the ceremony were a part of the requirement of having it in the Catholic church. Also, we needed to work through the ‘who does what part?” It fell to Deacon Bob to determine that, as there were parts that he had to do in order for the ceremony to be authorized.

    We met over coffee… really good coffee… & absolutely hit it off; turns out Deacon Bob is the father of Whitey, my brother Moe’s long time friend… Plus, he had a great sense of humor, was really, really sensitive to not being offensive to me in walking me through the process; which was funny in its own right, as this is one area that I have no hyper-sensitivity to – & just wanted to make it through the ceremony. :)

    It was very enjoyable – & was really glad to be able to have gone to The Abbey with TheMoses & Brother in March – a lot of what I experienced there served as great background for my plunge into the world of liturgical wedding ceremonies.

    Stuff that stood out to me:

  • The vows, rings, pronouncement of the couple, & the homily had to be done by Deacon Bob, as he is authorized & recognized by the Church. Homily is a fancy word for the Speech.
  • I could do just about anything else – & did. I even was given an opportunity for Reflection – which Deacon Bob explained is a lot like the homily (speech) except is done by me. :) The irony of how the different words & calling things by different names to fit the structure was not lost on either of us. We laughed a lot.
  • Deacon Bob offered for me to wear a special robe – I thought about it for about 3 seconds & declined, remembering the travesty of the last time I wore a robe for a wedding. As if the suit isn’t uncomfortable enough…
  • Evidently, the best man had a hip flask of tequila that he may or may not have been imbibing from. All I observed was that he progressively mellowed as the evening went on…
  • I got to lead a responsive prayer – which means I read the text, then at the end of my part, lift my right hand up, palm up, to signal that everyone in the room could/should repeat the phrase, “Lord, hear our prayer.” I spent a lot of time practicing this – for many reasons.

    #1, this is a wedding, & this part of the liturgy is very meaningful to a lot of people. Even if its different for me doesn’t mean I can’t participate & see & know the presence of God in the middle of it.

    #2 – I practiced because I’m a dork, & knew that I had to in order to get past the giggles that inevitably show up at times like this. Like when me & the boys were at the Abbey, we all 3 giggled, not irreverently (at least in our eyes) to hear the cantor’s sing-song voice leading the prayers & Daily Office… And, my brother Johnny & I used to copy the Benedictine Monks chanting in Latin that we listened to & observed on TV – we didn’t know the words, so it came out like, “Hee-mo-SHAAAAAAAR-mo…” Still almost giggled yesterday – nice to share that memory with my parents, too.

    #3 – I wanted to make sure that I raised my hand at the right time – turns out I did ok, but I shouldn’t quit my day job. (Thanks Deacon Bob.)

    The wedding was happening at St. Teresa’s, a really beautiful place. It was my first time in the new building – & man – it was sweet.

    And what I didn’t know was that all of the “reflection” & “prayer” parts of the ceremony had to happen at the AMBO. Had no idea what that was… until DB pointed me to the pulpit. Hmm. Got it.

    There were songs, readings from the Bible, a homily, a reflection, prayers, & some more prayers – & it was done. Then, to the reception.

    Hung out for about 90 minutes waiting for the wedding party – they were doing pictures; we were drinking coffee & theBean was eating appetizers… by the time the bride & groom showed up, it was 8:50 p.m. & it was in Carson – so we cheered like crazy for them, then made our way out to go home. On the way out, I was told how terrible it was that I was leaving at this point. Which makes me wonder, as an aside, “How long is long enough to stay at a wedding reception?” Is it worse not to go at all, or to leave after only a ‘short’ time, regardless of the reason for it? Is it a “non-scoey” issue? I think so, but I could be wrong. I’m kinda on a role in that area

    Everything ended up nice & fun, as theBean, theWeez, & I went through McD’s for 3 double-cheeseburgers. The beauty of it is that it is on my diet. Hooray!

    • Boundaries in Marriage, #4

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    The previous 3 posts in this series can be found here: #1 and #2 and #3.

    As I read through Boundaries, something clicked; something that had been circling the gray-matter for a long period of time, but that had been undefined & way too nebulous to be coherent & understandable…

    Of course it made sense: Boundaries are established in me, by me, for me, that I would live according to & congruent with my values. That I would be able to say “Yes” & “No” according to what I really believe, think, & feel, without attempting (needing?) to attempt the futility of making others happy with my decisions. To no longer try to avoid real/perceived conflict by making decisions/living life in such a way as that these ‘significant’ people in my life would approve. Just to be.

    Real boundaries deal with self-control – in that they deal with ME. Boundaries are definitely not lines drawn in the sand in thinly veiled attempts to control others by putting restrictions on them, using guilt, threats, &/or the withholding of approval or affection. Not calling something ‘boundaries’ that is really just an attempt to punish others into changing. Or to manipulate their decision making using the ‘silent’, (or is it pouty?) treatment. Or to withdraw from relationship & call it a boundary. That sort of behavior would only be exchanging one form of relational unhealth for another. (NOTE: Boundaries can only be worked out & on in the context of relationship. To cut someone out of your life isn’t a boundary. It’s retreat. It’s based in fear. It’s immature.)

    Self-control sounded good, as did personal responsibility. Then I started realizing & thinking through the consequences & potential loneliness in making such decisions. Claiming & owning responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, & actions, while no longer using the familiar scapegoat of blaming others for my circumstances. Even my wife. I wanted something different for me, & for my marriage, & so did the Bean.

    Taking personal responsibility was like unwinding a string from a sweater that just keeps unraveling. In my marriage, I’d seen myself, for better or for worse, as a victim of circumstance; a victim of the decisions & choices of another; & I often felt sorry for myself because of those choices, & how they “kept me” from making decisions that were in line with how I really thought & wanted to live. It was no longer ok to live in the status quo, silently (usually) bemoaning the state of our relationship, without delving into real depths of transparency & communication. Displaying little of the unconditional respect, love, honor, & trust that we’d both promised to extend to each other “as long as we both shall live.”

    I discovered the pseudo-safety in being the ‘good guy’ (self-proclaimed) because of my spouse’s relational choices. It was a place I loathed, but one where I stayed because of fear. No more.

    Instead of complaining & being miserable about my wife’s choices, & blaming her for what amounted to my own inaction, I resolved to make my own decisions. Not to bail on my wife or the relationship – but to choose & live differently. To be my own person, & more importantly, to let my wife be HER own person too. To no longer feel or live like I needed to ‘compensate’ for what I saw or interpreted as her weaknesses, or to attempt to cover over her decisions that had bad consequences (for me.) Call it enabling, call it codependent, call it being afraid of being alone, or being responsible for me. Whatever. No more.

    At the root of what had to be overcome was fear – in particular a paralyzing fear that I tried to ignore & avoid, to no effect. In a nutshell:

    I feared that if I made the decisions & choices that were consistent with the boundaries I set with myself, if I lived in this manner, I would be rejected, abandoned, & no longer loved by my wife.

    There was nothing in our past or present that would support that conclusion, but it was real to me. And I wrestled. It seemed wrong. But I knew it wasn’t.

    In the middle of the decisions to change how I lived, to set & live by boundaries, I had to be ok with whatever ‘consequences’ came as a result of the choices I made. And to let the Bean make whatever decision she would make. And love & accept her unconditionally, no matter what. And to know that she’d committed the same to me. Now we just had to live it.