Tag Archives: Relationships

pondering accountability & other thoughts…

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Maybe its the chili & cheese laced “Spicy Bite” from SEV, but I’m thinking deep thoughts, musing about days gone by, looking for answers & understanding…

Way back in the day when scoeyd was just a lad in high school, I went to a Summer camp where the speaker encouraged everybody to get an “accountability partner” – somebody that we knew that would ‘help us’ not to sin. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I figured that it was probably just me, & that later on in the cabin I’d be able to ask a counselor (back when calling somebody that didn’t suggest that they were a psychologist or anything – now they are called Cabin Leaders to avoid any confusion… as if…)

When I got back to the cabin, I asked a couple of friends if they knew what an accountability partner was. Nope. They’d heard of them before, but they, like me, had no clue. So together (there is strength in numbers) we went to one of our counselors, a guy that was probably 30 (ancient to me at that time,) & asked him if he knew what an “accountability partner” was?

He said something like,

“Yeah, dummies. Its a person more spiritual than you are that you tell your sins to. And all the stuff that tempts you. And then they ask you all the time if you’re doing those sins, & it keeps you from sinning because you don’t want to have to tell them about it…”

Hmm. That didn’t seem like something I wanted to do – for one it didn’t make sense to me; for another, why would I want to talk to somebody about something that personal & private if I didn’t know them? (And I was pretty sure I didn’t know any Spiritual people that I’d consider close enough to get that gut-level honest with.) So I filed the “accountability partner” suggestion in the mental drawer along with all the other christian instructions that I’d gotten til that point in life, the stuff I had no clue what to do with – my own mental X-Files, if you will.

Over time, I heard about accountability quite a bit more; that doesn’t mean I ever really understood it, & definitely didn’t have a clue how to be accountable, let alone “hold someone” accountable. Something just didn’t “click” for me – so I’d ask the person talking about accountability what they meant by it… what I heard (DISCLAIMER: remember this is me talking, processing, & wrestling through this, not making a definitive statements on my belief about “accountability” let alone God’s position on it…)

As described at large by well-meaning christians everywhere – Accountability:

  • is a forced & inauthentic relationship – not naturally developing

  • is one of those spiritual pursuits that one has to be forced into, for my own good

  • is something that puts responsibility for my thoughts, choices, & behaviors onto someone else – the person who is supposed to be “holding me” accountable – perhaps meaning that it’s not really my fault if I choose sin… if only they’d held me accountable better… ?

  • puts that person in a role of spiritual superior to me – kinda like my own personal assistant to the Holy Spirit

    • Hmmm.

    Didn’t sound right. Doesn’t sound right. There’s got to be something more… something missing.

    To me, some of the things that have been the most helpful to me in growing, developing, & maturing in my relationship with God are:

  • the realization that Jesus Christ has already done the hard work – & now I am responsible for me, my thoughts, choices, behaviors, & relationships – the good, the bad, the ugly. And I can’t (& shouldn’t try to) pass that responsibility on to anybody else.

  • the cultivation of authentic, connected, 2-way relationships – friendships – with people that accept me as I am, faults & strengths; that want to know me & to be known in return; that are humble, not self-righteous; that listen first, & then are willing to speak the truth to me in love… & hear it in return; that want to live as Christ-followers; are willing to be real & to own their own junk, (their own sinful nature, & propensity to wander…)

  • a willingness to learn from others – young & old; to be a life-long learner, even if I’m not in school; to cultivate curiosity & to seek out & follow rabbit trails in my studies… sometimes they’re divine rabbit trails… :)

  • to relentlessly, continuously, & without reservation keep at it.

    • Maybe in that, there is something of accountability – but its not formulaic or forced. It’s 2-way. It’s personally responsible. It’s growing. It’s graceful. It leaves room for error & failure, & is quick to forgive. It’s love, in action.

    Hmmm. I am fortunate – when I look at my life, I see lots of people that know me, really know me, & that I know back, sometimes in differing degrees… And I feel rich, & know that I’m a better man, friend, husband, father, brother, & son because of them.

    Hope…

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    It’s #2 sons 14th birthday today – tomorrow, early in the a.m. he & I are off to San Francisco for a one-day speed tour of the City. We’re going to AT &T Park for a tour; to Ghirardelli Square for some chocolate & na-nas; to Pier 39 for… Pier 39. And maybe the Hard Rock Cafe. And then we’re off to the University of California-San Francisco (UCSF) Medical Center. Why a hospital?

    #2 son has been asking a lot of questions about my brother Johnny – wanting to know him, reconstruct his likes/dislikes, experience the personality of the one uncle that he knows only through pictures, a few home videos, & the stories of those who knew him. A part of Johnny’s story involves his battle with cancer – & UCSF is where almost 5% of his life was lived – for treatment, recovery, & the like. And #2 son wants to know this place – & as difficult as it is for me to go there, with the painful memories, sorrow, & loss… we’re going.

    Makes me feel a bit pensive – leaves me wondering, examining how I see the world, or how I view it. The lens through which I see it, a lens that I believe I am responsible for putting on/taking off. Watching the news, checking in with Drudge, hearing story after story of the dismal economy, holiday season layoffs, record high home foreclosures, equally high number of bankruptcies, & a war in the Middle East that just doesn’t seem to get any closer to resolution… a lens of ‘reality’… reminds me that I want to, I need to choose something different.

    I don’t want to choose negativity, to speak words of ‘reality,’ death, nitpickiness, complaint, slander, criticism, harshness, destruction – over & about me or others. I think that I’m finding that a person will find just what it is that is looked for. And if my lens is negative, down, destructive, ‘reality based,’ I will find those things – & think on them. Talk about them. Spread the cloud of negativity like a flu-virus in the wintertime spreads.

    I’m challenged to take on a new lens, one that almost feels forced, like a new pair of glasses that have never been worn, all the while knowing that the new glasses are the right prescription, & they fit like they should – but I’m so used to ill-fitting, poorly prescribed glasses that the real deal, the good ones don’t seem right. Its upside down, & I want to be right side up.

    The new lens is to look to enjoy life’s relationships – rather than to pick them apart as inadequate, to place blame where its due -instead to be a radical extender of grace, esp. where it’s not ‘deserved’… as if I have deserved it ever? To look for joy instead of sorrow – to hope & to be filled with hope, even when the ‘track record’ tells me otherwise. To have faith, to believe against all odds that the One I serve really is able to move mountains. To perform what He says. To rescue. To deliverer. To transform.

    Maybe this makes me an optimist. A deny-er of so-called reality… So be it. And my answer to you is:

    Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things – trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that’s a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play-world. I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia…. [W]e’re leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Puddleglum – The Silver Chair, from The Chronicles of Narnia

    Here’s to looking for Overland.

    Mickey

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    My brother, Johnny, was something of an artist – & the thing that we all wanted him to draw for us was his “Mickey Mouse” – just Mickey’s head. He’d sign the bottom of the picture with a flourish… we had tons of them.

    Maybe it was because Disneyland is/was such a happy memory for all of us – one of our favorite places on earth to go together & spend time & build shared memories. Perhaps it was the Mickey Mouse pancakes that we ate at the River Belle Terrace… (which, by the way, my dad could make better & more of, for cheaper… :)

    When Johnny got sick, drawing Mickey was a miniature vacation, I think, for him & for us. Throughout the illness & treatment, Mickey (along with baseball cards,) remained a way to escape the reality of what was going on, if just for a few minutes.

    Here I am 18 years after his death, missing him. I regret that my 3 kids never got to know my brother personally… I am intentionally & purposefully trying to help them get to know Johnny & what he was like through stories, pictures, & the little things he liked & disliked.

    And one of the things he liked, was Mickey. And when Mickey Mouse is around, it doesn’t seem like my brother is so far away, & it gives me hope for the time when we’ll be reunited.

    Last Saturday, I got a Mickey tattoo on my left shoulder blade – because it reminds me of my brother, John Leavy Locke.

    Friends #6 – Or more off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts

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    About 3 years ago, I read one of the most influential books I’ve ever come across – called, Love Is A Choice. It made an impact because it brought to light & illustrated the human condition & how/why we connect with others… esp. in unhealthy, selfish, &/or destructive ways.

    One of the things that stood out to me, (at least from the thoughts that ended up being provoked OUT of having read it,) was that in order for a friendship to be healthy & life-giving, both parties had to be ‘givers’ (my word;) nurturing, feeding, building up the relationship & the other person – a relationship where 1/both are ‘takers’ (again, my word) ends up with 1/both being taken advantage of, used & abused, all in the name of friendship.

    It made me think about what I’ve tolerated (& also watched others tolerate) in the name of “keeping a friendship.” Things like:

  • 1 persons constant tardiness or not showing up at all, & when they’re questioned, saying, “Oh, I was busy,” or offering up some other excuse. Always.
  • The blowing up in rage, pouting in petulance, avoiding in silent treatment upon saying “No” to a request (demand?), & seeing the behaviors (& acceptance) change only upon giving the “right” answer, “YES!” – do what I want.
  • 1 person being the one that kept communication going – in emails, letters, phone calls, with the other always being ‘too busy’ or ‘not good at” initiating contact.
  • Having been asked, “if you see something in what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, places I’m going that seem destructive, would you please tell me?” & actually believing it & doing it, to find that what you end up with is a person that ‘dumps’ you from the friendship because of what you’ve said, finding out too late that the fine sounding words spoken in a point of seeming relational intimacy were not quite what was meant.
  • hearing from someone just when they need something, & going weeks, months, & even years when they don’t.
  • Not being able to talk about anything significant or important to being really real friends, because it just might upset the other person – meaning we wouldn’t be able to maintain the minimal & surface-ey contact we have.

    Maybe it’s just that I have a different set of definitions when it comes to what a friend is & what a friend does & doesn’t do. Maybe it’s not being willing any longer to live with the sham of “as long as you’re feeling ok & not offended today,” relationships. Maybe it’s being tired of carrying both sides of the relationship. Maybe it’s the realization that there are many, many great people that hold a high value on true friendship that makes fakin’ the funk not worth it, no matter how long standing the contact or how much water has gone under the bridge…

    Hmmm.

    • Friends #5 – More thoughts & randomness, or "et tu Brute’?"

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    We will all be let down, disappointed, & hurt by friends. We will all let down, disappoint, & hurt friends. It happens, & will happen – & a lot of the time it will be unintentional, due to funky circumstances, the pace of life, bad planning &/or bad choices. If I’m expecting a friend to be perfect, to always ‘be there’ or ‘be here’ (pick your location… those two phrases drive me nuts anyway…) I’m putting unrealistic expectation on them – expectations that only Jesus could fulfill – so I have to know how to communicate through & about hurt feelings, frustrations, & disappointments… & know that friends, real friends will do this. And are worth the same love, acceptance, & forgiveness that I hope to receive when I biff it.

    Julius Caesar was murdered on the ides of March, (the 15th for those people in the real world.) It was a terrible murder carried out by a mob of Roman senators… but perhaps the most brutal part of the whole thing was Caesar’s seeing his friend, his best friend, Brutus, with a knife in his hand, waiting to plunge it into Caesar’s back. And Caesar is incredulous, he can’t believe what is happening, what has happened, what Brutus has done. And that’s when he utters the famous line, “You too, Brutus?”
    It’s really a great picture of what I’m talking about (esp. in Shakespeare’s version of it.)

    Betrayal of friendship, real, deep, true friendship is different than being let down or disappointed – I believe it involves intentionality, pride, spitefulness, & it leaves the deepest wounds – because the wounds come from someone who with whom you’ve been transparent, open, intimate… someone that’s been trusted implicitly. And when the betrayal comes, it feels like something unreal has happened… almost like right after a car-accident, where you’re in shock, & can’t quite clear your head, like you’re dreaming & just need to roll over in order to wake up & see life restored to being “alls as it should be.” But it doesn’t happen. And the unbelief of what has happened lingers, & the sting deepens.

    In my studies for the Growing Up series, I discovered that this type of act in a friendship would fall under the category of a tragic loss – & is different than a “transitional loss” where people, due to distance, changing jobs, value & priority shifts, grow apart & see the ‘level’ of friendship diminish, not based on something destructive that has happened, but based on ‘less time, energy, & resources’ expended to maintain the friendship.

    The tragic loss is just what it sounds – almost like a divorce, the discovery of a terrible disease, the uncovering of infidelity – it’s not something that one just puts on the British ‘stiff upper lip” & moves on. It’s something that MUST be grieved… because otherwise, it becomes a life changing event, the kind of event where a person makes vows never to ‘trust anyone that deeply’ again. They shut down. Stop risking & stop growing. Treat everyone as ‘just another person that is going to hurt me.’

    Once again, I find myself reading David’s laments in the Psalms – he has experienced this & writes:

    It is not an enemy who taunts me— I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God. Let death seize my enemies by surprise; let the grave swallow them alive, for evil makes its home within them. But I will call on God, and the LORD will rescue me. Psalm 55:12-16 NLT

    I don’t know what events or what friendship David was referring to – it might have been the betrayal by Ahithophel, his trusted friend & advisor (the history on that starts in 2Samuel 15,) or something else. I just know that when I read Psalm 55, it resonated.

    At a time like that, all I want to do is hide in my dark closet, & never come out. What I usually do is cry out to God – with cries & sometimes some loud yells. Pain hurts, & sometimes a gut-blasting yell is just what the doctor ordered, though may not be good on the vocal cords.

    Maybe its the telling Him exactly what I feel & think – the hurt & disappointment, the sting of the poison, but there is always a point of relief, or at least His peace that comes alongside at that very moment. Its not like the pain goes away, but the edge & the bitterness are gone, as is the desire to never risk again.

    And usually what happens is I get really thankful for my friends. And determine to be a good friend to them.

    Friends #4 – Randomness…

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    This post, (& maybe the next couple) may be a bit random… I attribute that to the seeing an abstract concept like “friendship” as a series of sometimes related pictures…

    I suppose it would be easier to tell if someone was more Jonadab than Jonathan if they wore name tags, or if their whole life body of friendships was downloadable for review… but to my knowledge, that just doesn’t happen. And I don’t believe that the “Sarah Connor Chronicles” alternative, trust no one, is a viable option, as going through life with a mistrust, suspicion, & paranoia just don’t cut it either…

    With that said, I also think that listening to my gut has been helpful – if by gut I mean the nudge of the Holy Spirit – something that discounts the exterior, how much polish or presentability a person can bring to the table. Just about every time I’ve had one of those “something’s just not right here,” & ignored it, it turned out that the ‘unease in the gut’ was spot on. Maybe it shouldn’t be 100% of the test for whether or not I start/continue a friendship with someone, but it would be foolish to ignore it.

    Actions speak louder than words – & if someone’s actions belie their words, I tend to trust the actions… most recently, I had a situation where a guy I’d never met, a guy in the same line of work as me, wanted to get together for lunch, to talk about things, & to ‘build some relationship.’ Sounds like fun, right? Except that for the past year, the same guy had been engaging in what I would consider to be consistent, unscrupulous, & unethical behavior, directly related to me & situations/people etc. that I was responsible for. So, though it was bewildering to the other guy, I let him know that I’m not starting at “Buddies” with him, no matter what his job is, or what he says. His actions & words are incongruent – & though I’m not shut down from ever seeing something come out of that ‘relationship’ – growth, healing, etc., I’m also not going to try to be a ‘good Christian’ or a ‘nice person’ & ignore the behavior, which I believe perpetuates more unhealth, this time close to something that whacks me in the head.

    Friends don’t talk smak about you when you’re not around.

    Friends #3 – Faithfulness…

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    Along the lines of what I wrote in my previous post on this topic, another one of the pictures that comes to my head when I contemplate friendship is Jonathan.

    He’s the son of King Saul & eventual best friend of David – his story can be found starting about 1Samuel 14, & runs through the rest of the book. Several things stand out to me about Jonathan, as revealed by his actions, both in public & also when there’s no one around to pat him on the back for what he does/doesn’t do.

    Jonathan is the son of a king, a prince, the crown prince actually, meaning that he is next in line for the throne in Israel – he’s brave, bold (check out 1Samuel 14:1-14 for some insight to the kind of guy he was.) When David killed Goliath, Jonathan’s whole world changed – it was evident that God was with David, & Jonathan knew that Samuel the prophet had told his father, Saul, that the kingdom had been taken from the family, & given to another… watching David’s fearless onslaught on the giant & the subsequent battle against the Philistines (ch.17), it didn’t take a genius to put two & two together: David was the Lord’s anointed, the one who would supplant Saul (& Saul’s descendants) on the throne, ruling as king over Israel. Which should have made Jonathan as paranoid, antagonistic, & suspicious of David as his dad was.

    But it didn’t.

    We see in 1Samuel 18 that an immediate bond of friendship developed between David & Jonathan – so much so, that Jonathan & David made a covenant, an unbreakable agreement of friendship & devotion, a covenant that was sealed with Jonathan giving David his royal robes & clothes, his sword (1 of 2 in the country, 13:22) his bow, & his belt. This is significant because the items that Jonathan gave away to David were things that marked Jonathan & his position as royalty – something that he willing laid down in recognition of God’s call & anointing on David’s life – to be the next king of Israel, a title that by all intents was meant for Jonathan. Most significantly, ch.18 says he did this because, “Jonathan loved David as he loved himself.” Further, the covenant of friendship was renewed 2 more times in 1Samuel 20 & 23, cementing the lifelong commitment between the men & their descendants forever.

    A few of the more prominent characteristics I see emerging from the picture of Jonathan: loyalty & faithfulness, even when it cost him everything; backing up his kind words & declarations of friendship with his actions; defending his friend when his friend wasn’t around, even though doing so put his own life in jeopardy; he was able to rejoice with David when David had successes, & to grieve with him over the injustice of Saul’s attacks against him.

    I see a self-lessness; a commitment to another person that doesn’t personally, financially, or materially benefit him; there’s no one-upmanship, no competition; no slander, no undermining, no attacking his character or attempting to elevate himself.

    Jonathan is the kind of friend that I want to be, & that I want to contend for for myself.

    Friends #2… how someone does unto others…

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    When I think about an abstract concept like ‘friendship,’ I think in pictures – often, those pictures come from personalities in the Scriptures – people who have been revealed, either in brief or in great detail. These pictures, (or maybe biographical portraits is a better description,) serve to provide a vivid, bigger-than-me, concrete-ness to the abstraction.

    Probably the first picture that comes to mind when I think of friendship is a guy named Jonadab. He’s not really well-known, & only shows up in 1 chapter of the Old Testament, 2Samuel 13. The reason that he’s mentioned is for his friendship & interactions with his cousins, most notably Amnon, the son of King David. Jonadab is the son of David’s brother, Shimeah.

    2Samuel 13 tells of Amnon’s lust for his half-sister, Tamar, & how he was so consumed with ‘not being able to do anything to her,’ that he made himself sick. That’s where Jonadab comes in – 1st off, he’s introduced with the friendship & family ties made clear. Then, he’s identified as a ‘very subtle man.’ I had to look up the Hebrew to see what words had been taken & put into the English as subtle, as the content of the story reveals a lot more than what I’d describe as subtle. The Hebrew might better be stated in English: “Now Jonadab was a completely, totally, exceedingly cunning, crafty, scheming, manipulative, man…”

    Jonadab comes up with a plan for Amnon, so he can get Tamar alone & do whatever he wants to, whatever he’s entitled to as the son of the King…. Amnon takes Jonadab’s advice, gets Tamar alone, & rapes her. His lust turns to hate, & he sends her away, thus shaming himself, her, her brothers, & the entire family. Specifically, Tamar’s brother Absalom hatches a plot to avenge his sister’s shame, a plan that is 2 years in the making.

    He shows up again at the end of 2Samuel 13, shortly after Absalom has exacted his revenge upon Amnon by killing him at a ‘special feast’ that he’d thrown for all of the king’s sons. King David had erroneously been told that all of his sons had been killed by Absalom, & went into a panic… Jonadab is there, for some reason, to let David know:

    • Not all of the king’s sons are dead – only Amnon
    • This has been Absalom’s plan for over 2 years, in revenge for Amnon’s raping & disgracing of Tamar, et al.
    • David shouldn’t worry because only Amnon is dead.

    Here’s the picture I get: Jonadab is an opportunist; selfish, manipulative, & a user of people to attempt to weasel himself into a better spot of influence or importance. He’s cunning, a schemer, & always looking out for #1. As a way of ingratiating himself to Amnon (the heir to the throne of David,) he comes up with a ‘plan’ so Amnon can rape his ½ sister. Then, 2 years later, when Absalom is looking more & more like the ‘favorite of the people’ & new potential heir, he holds his tongue while his ‘friend’ Amnon goes to a bloody, murderous death – only to show up in the King’s court to reveal that he’d known about the plan all along, but didn’t tell anyone.

    Jonadab is a portrait of the person that I try to avoid any sort of relationship with – which is a lot harder than it sounds, because the Jonadab’s are ‘exceedingly, totally, cunning, crafty, & manipulative,’ meaning that the true, self-serving motives aren’t the 1st thing that get revealed. But then I think, they really do.

    The character & true colors of the Jonadab’s show up in how they treat others – not the person they’re ‘buddy-ing’ up to, the one(s) of course, but those that are of no use to their desire for personal gain, & therefore, of no consequence. They speak negatively about them, gossip, spread stories, reveal confidences they’ve gained as a way of brown-nosing into the good graces of the one(s) that can most advance the ever-growing agenda of the Jonadab’s. Until the time comes when the one(s) are no longer useful, & someone more ‘advantageous’ comes along – & the pattern repeats, with the one(s) now being the victim of the complete lack of loyalty, faithfulness, & true friendship; the havoc & chaos left in the wake of the Jonadab’s life.

    To me, the portrait of Jonadab gives the hint of a warning – & how it plays out is that if a person will sabotage, attack, insult, degrade, bad-mouth, gossip about, slander another person to get on my good side, they’ll do it to me…

    ADDENDUM TO THE ORIGINAL POST:

    I don’t look at all people as “potential Jonadabs.” In my own life, those that have behaved in a manner reminiscent of Jonadab often display a radically different behavior to others than they did to me. Many times, I’ve had friends that talked to me, after the fact, about their own experiences with that person, & the very obvious junk that surfaced because they weren’t on their ‘best manipulative behavior’ with everyone, as not everyone is seen as a potential source of personal gain.

    I do believe that trust is built over time, & that a relationship with another person needs that time to be built on a firm & well-established foundation. And I’m reminded that the still, small voice, the feeling in my gut, & the nudge of the Holy Spirit are all things to be paid attention to, not glossed over or explained away, regardless of another person’s ‘self-presentation.’ I believe that each time I’ve had a Jonadab experience, I had warnings of the above-mentioned sort, that were ignored by me…

    On a side note: I’ve often wondered if Amnon et al… kept Jonadab, the crafty one, around because he was not only great at telling you what you want (like) to hear, but also because he was in the circle of trust – family, a group that we often make special exceptions for.

    Friends #1 – what got me thinking was ‘Facebook’

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    Social networking is what they say is one of the purposes of Facebook. So when I veeerrryyy reluctantly joined, it was only as a ‘keeping in touch’ tool with a group of new friends from different places in Europe & the US… & only because Facebook was the chosen medium to do so.

    What does that MEAN, social networking? I labor over that. Does it involve meaningful connections, virtually created, ala internet, using the fact that I ‘know’ someone for something that profits me, or merely a panacea that only serves to assuage the burning human need for real connections…?

    Ok, I kind of get it – it helps us keep in touch with people we knew in high school &/or have interacted with over the years of life… BUT, for me, being friends is something I take seriously – it means something significant to me, more than a ‘social networking contract,’ something that can be put down as easy as clicking a mouse.

    For example, I take time & really contemplate before ‘accepting’ a friend request… thinking, “Am I this person’s friend in real life? Would I/have I hung with them, drank a cup of joe, & shot the breeze? Shared deep thoughts? Pondered the complexities of life?” And depending on the answer to that internal debate, I have clicked CONFIRM. Or IGNORE.

    There’ve been times where I overrode my gut & CONFIRMED when I think to be true to me & to not gloss over the reality of my relationship (or lack thereof) would have totally been to IGNORE. And then what? Fake it? Be ‘nice’ & carry on with surface level pleasantries once every blue moon, all the while ignoring the reality that if I saw my ‘friend’ in a store, I don’t think we’d interact. Perhaps that’s too mercenary, too serious, or just melodramatic – be that as it may, it’s led to a renewed contemplation of friendship & what makes it special…

    BTW: I’m not going to rehash my BOUNDARIES posts here, though I may allude to them… –as I think they are really applicable to this topic (& any other that deals with relationships & interpersonal interactions.) Just know that the Cloud & Townsend info is a big part of the background of my thought processes.

    And so it begins… I thought that my outlining would help my writing not be rambling & all over the place, but it turns out that rambling may be in the eye of the beholder. No matter – I’m going to lay out my friendship ‘givens’ – signs of a good friendship. Warning signs of a bad one. Assessing motivation in developing relationships. Looking to get from God what can only be gotten from God. And maybe some other stuff.

    Coming up next: Signs, signs, everywhere the signs…

    Friday musings…

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    We’re in the market for a 3rd car, for the Pasty One, which means I’m doing the leg work via craigslist, cars.com, & other such vehicles to get a vehicle. Combing through the scams & the foolish is almost amusing. Like someone else’s definition of what a ‘super clean’ car is. Goodness. I’m not talking about the soda can behind the seat, or the collection of McDouble-cheeseburger wrappers from the last month that somehow haven’t been removed yet. It’s the ground in filth in the upholstery, the body beat by something akin to a sledgehammer, & the puzzled look on the face of the wannabe seller when I ask, “THIS is the car in the picture?” Wow.

    I feel a blog run coming on – I referred to a coming post on ‘heart checkups’, but I’m also contemplating friendship, trust & disappointment. There’s been several in our blog-world that have written about current situations that they’re going through, & that, coupled with a few of my own current experiences, has led to the examination of relationships with others, & trying to tell the difference between losing trust & being disappointed by another.

    On that same note, the nebulous definition of ‘friends’ is up for discussion. Maybe its the proliferation of MySpace/Facebook ‘friends’ – where one pseudo-connects with people in a virtual social network, people that they wouldn’t talk to if they were in the same room, let alone be ‘real friends’ -(scoey definition to follow) with. Maybe I’ll write it as ‘Friends do, friends don’t…’

    TheBean has informed me that my book needs to be finished soon :). She is done working her current job in 2 1/2 years (self-proclaimed end of the road.) That means the book has to be done within the year, so it can be shopped, bought (!), edited, published, & promo’d. It’s a dream. And it’s going to happen.

    I was invited to write a short-piece again for Advance magazine. The editor is a friend of mine, & for some reason, he asks me to do this a couple times a year. I’ll be writing on the assigned topic ‘the importance of maintaining our heart & conscience’, which is a 500-600 word response to an article written in 1620 by Susanna Wesley’s dad. The sound you heard was me tooting my own proverbial horn.

    1 month out from a trip to Deutschland – a 12-day excursion into the unknown of new relationships, growing deeper in old ones, & mining the depths of long-term calling. I’m flying solo.

    We’re going to Scheel’s tonight as a fam – to walk the store, buy some trinkets (like fudge) & take in the newest experience in ‘sports style consumerism…’

    Got a letter (an email actually) written to & about me & our church family. And it was a positive one, full of thanks, appreciation, & hope. In the aftermath of what ‘getting a letter’ has come to mean over the last year, this was a breath of fresh air. Boo-yah!

    The search for the vehicle has put me in the awkward, yet necessary position of interacting, ‘discussing’ & negotiating with perfect strangers, something that I have found to be as weird as I thought it would be. There’s always the thought, “Is this guy going to be the psycho-killer that my mom warned me about?” It’s led to my communicating with several someones to let them know what I’m doing, where I’m going, & when I should be done. And if they don’t hear from me by the appointed time, then they know to call in the cavalry. Or at least Chuck Norris.

    I’m off again in a few minutes to do it again; & I’m bringing backup with me.