Tag Archives: Commentary on Human Condition

musings…

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Haven’t had much trouble with jet-lag this time… other than the typical waking up about 2 – 3 hours early (3 or 4 in the a.m.), which of course makes me a very tired boy that can’t wait to hit the sack by 10… each day I’ve stretched the wakeup another hour, so tomorrow I’m aiming for 5:30.

In retrospect, this trip seemed like it was 28 days long, instead of the actual 7… wondered why that was the case? I think it had to do with several factors-

  • No Bean makes every day much, much longer than it really is.
  • Sitting for long periods of time (meaning 12 hours)…
  • Forgetting my watch. I left Mickey in my car because I didn’t want to forget him, then I got dropped off at the airport by Brother & theMoses in Shirley so the best laid plans of mice & me went awry…
  • a couple of hard days with long talks about difficult subjects. Sigh…

    Sunday, Nick & Kirstin are getting baptized! That gives me joy – we’ve been really fortunate to be able to get to know them better through the Sunday p.m. study – & now we get to rejoice with them. Aaron C gets to help with the dunkage in the Jordan, err.. the Truckee.

    I like to do dishes. And fold laundry. The sense of accomplishment at the end is nice. The only issue is that my folding skills are not quite up to snuff, so I do the kids & let the Bean take on her own kleidung (clothes). She could go pro in folding clothes. And in wrapping presents. She’s THAT good.

    Had a heart to heart with Weez after some interactions that she witnessed left her puzzled – she’s trying to figure out the perpetuation of injustice on her dad (her observation, not mine.) The most difficult part is that the person she observed was a Christian… and if they’re Christian, then WHY would they act that way?

    On the topic of Weez – w/the Bean working M-F 10-3, & with Weez being on a 12-month school schedule, I now get to spend a bit more quality time with her when she’s on break – like the month of May. Reminds me of the old times. The boat times, where her wit & interests were unmarred by the tripe called ‘The Disney Channel” & by an interest in boy bands. My favorite is going to lunch, because while we’re eating, just the two of us, all sort of questions are fair game:

  • Weez: So, dad: do you think I can get my nose pierced?
  • Me: Uh, no. You’re 11. When you’re 16 & can understand the consequences & ramifications of making such a fashion (& glamour statement) then we’ll talk.
  • Weez: Ok. That’s what I thought. How about my belly button?
  • Me: Nope.
  • Weez: Don’t you think it would be great to go on “What Not To Wear?”
  • Me: What are you saying?
  • Weez: Nothing…

    And so it goes…

    Finding myself procrastinating today. Just want to lay around on the couch & eat Pork Skins. Ah, yes. That is the life.

    • heading out

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    Woke up this morning to smell of breakfast – Johannes prepared some eggs all the accoutrements of a German breakfast for us today… very nice. We hung out, drank coffee, & enjoyed catching up on the last 6 months. We went for a drive to the Black Forest using the High Road – a special windy road that made me get all nauseous & long for fresh air :).

    We arrived at the Aldes Gott Vineyard (Old God) & browsed the gift shop to pick up a memento for The Bean & Alex & Linda too – & made it back to J & A’s by the time Anja had to go to work. Johannes took me back to Frankfurt, a 2 hour drive. I have really missed my friend…

    Alex, Linda, & I took Johnathan for a walk in the park (as fun as it sounds,) & then hung out at home to watch “The Counterfeiters”.

    One of the highlights, if not THE highlight for me, has been the opportunity to share life with the Grieguszies family. To be involved, included, & accepted by such wonderful people goes beyond the words necessary to describe it. It’s been truly amazing.

    I’ve got about 4 1/2 hours of potential sleep available, as I’m coming home tomorrow – taking the 8:25 flight to Washington – to Denver – to Reno… I’m planning on processing the week & trying to wrap my brain around what I’ve seen & heard.

    Thanks for your prayers – its greatly appreciated. I can’t wait to get home.

    9 Mai, Part Deux…

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    This a.m. we had a prayer time – one of the student leaders (Dudi from Frankfurt) thought it would be a God idea for all of the core team (of which I’m a part) to do nothing tonight – but that all of the student leaders to bring a ‘gift’ – a song, a psalm, a scripture, a prayer, something, that would be done for the benefit & building up of everybody there. Church.

    There were prayers in Romanian; a couple of original songs (one in English, one in Japanese;) a poem; a bible verse reading; a game; 15 minute relaxation; communion shared (with bread & wine & lots of community union) a funny story by one of the most intriguing people I’ve ever heard talk – a great Finn with a booming, sweet voice.

    It was amazing. A great day.

    Now it is 1:15 in the a.m. so Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to sleepy I go.

    juxtaposed…

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    Raskalnikov

    WARNING: Long Rambling Post Ahead… I’m working through a process right now – trying to clarify my thoughts, & what Jesus is saying, has said, & is pointing me towards.

    The irony of knowing that there was truth in Jesus’ declaration about life in all of its fullness while not seeing/feeling/experiencing/living in that fullness led to a preoccupation… the kind that I have been told is one of the things that The Bean loves about me. It’s a preoccupation that stays on something, actively & passively, until there’s a point of resolution. She loves it, w/one exception… when the preoccupation turns gets pointed in her direction in a point of relational conflict. But I digress. (Reminds me of when Monk talks about his quirky obsessive/compulsive ‘gift’ as a blessing. And a curse. The “dark side” if you will, of a strength…)

    I spent a lot of time in the Gospel of John; not just in 10:10, but all around it. I was dwelling on; meditating on; maybe even obsessing on it. Call it “focused study.” I would start with the KJV, w/the Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance with Hebrew, Aramaic, & Greek word definitions, & review each word in the passage, as every word & phrase is full of meaning & connotations. Examining context, nuances. Then I’d break out all the Bible translations in English that I had available: NASB, NRSV, NKJV, NIT, NLT, & The Message… to see how each of the translators (or paraphrasers) had chosen to word the passage.

    One of the things I do as a part of studying & researching is to go through a big chunk of material (see above paragraph,) then enter “processing mode.” This is where I do something that is seemingly unrelated to what I had just been doing, but actually is a vital part of the studying/researching/writing – usually this involves cleaning or organizing something. It’s like the cleaning helps to sort through thoughts & ideas, & aids the germination of what God is speaking to me about. (I also did this while writing papers in college…) If I’m really onto something, I vacuum. The lines in the carpet are so reassuring…

    Thoughts from 10:10: the thief is one who comes to take what belongs to others & to use it for their own gain or to squander it so the one that has had it, can’t use it. His purpose is 3-fold:

  • to steal – take away by stealth;
  • to kill – slaughter, kill, sacrifice
  • to destroy – render useless; remove completely; ruin; put to an end

    On the other side of that, Jesus states His purpose – the word purpose really, really is important here – it is a main reason that He came.

  • Jesus came that humanity would have – hold fast to
  • Life – vitality, absolute fullness of life
  • In all of its fullness – greater measure; more than is necessary; over & over…

    In the pondering of the word purpose, a light came on. The enemy, the thief is actively working to steal, kill, & destroy – to sabotage humanity. Jesus, who came to undo the works of the devil & more specifically, to give, that humanity would have an abundance & overflow of life… And what He gives cannot be earned. Or deserved.

    Bingo. That was me.

    Jesus died for my sins. I can receive that. He was resurrected from the dead, so I have eternal life. I’m there too. But grace for each day… hmm. that’s where I was stuck. That’s where I was toiling to be ‘worthy’ of the life that I could never earn.

    A flash of remembrance: Rich Mullins had had a dramatic influence on my life through his music, writings, & zest for life. He spoke about something that had changed his life, in how he viewed himself, something that had clarified all that he had ‘known’ about God as revealed in Jesus. It was The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. So I bought it. And made it through 3 pages before I broke down, weeping.

    Jesus loves me. And has grace for me. Even after I became a Christian, His grace is still enough for me.

    to be continued…at some point…

    • flying solo…

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    This next week, 5 Mai, I will be flying solo – literally – to Frankfurt. Last year, the Bean & I were in Frankfurt 3 separate times – Maerz, August, & November, for a total of 31 days, if you include travel days, which really should count double for all the wear & tear on the body, mind, & psyche… & that’s not even mentioning the need for acquisition of unique travel supplies, all in containers of 4 ounces or less, support hose, & the smuggle-able french press & coffee stash.

    It was too much for the Bean for many, many reasons – the emotional, physical, relational & financial toll was too great – she acquired a job in Januar, & starts a new schedule on the day I fly away…

    So, I’ll be going on my own for 8 days – traveling solo is ok; I’ve done it quite a bit… it actually makes the choice of ‘where & what to eat/drink’ much easier. I just ask myself, “Self, what do you want to do?” And I usually answer, “Thanks for asking. I am hungry. And thirsty. And hungry.” And then it’s on… I don’t know why, but traveling brings out the snacker in me – I want to stop at every kiosk for a sample, to chow down & imbibe wherever possible. Wonder why that is?

    This is a significant trip for me – I know it down in my guts… this will be a trip of resolution – I believe that my interactions & appointments, & calling to Europe will be becoming clarified. And resolved. Some of the nebulousness, the WHY’s will be cleared up. Or be clearer.

    I also know that this will be relationally significant… there are several situations that will require a miracle to see healed. If you’re wondering what to pray for in this for me, pray for grace & peace in relationships. And reconciliation.

    Finally, I am really looking forward to staying at the home of my friends Alex & Linda, & getting to spend a chunk of time with them. They are definitely one of my happy thoughts about this voyage, the one on which I am flying solo…

    And a note about ‘community…’

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    It’s a common & current topic at our staff table…

    Next to Jesus, God and relevant, “community” is the most popular Christian word. The challenge though is it’s a lot easier to say than it is to build. If creating one was as easy as renting a blow up jumping toy for kids and offering a financial planning class for parents, then 50 churches wouldn’t close permanently every week. But it’s a challenge and here’s why:

    People can tell when you’re trying to force a community to develop. Our radar to marketing is so sharp these days…

    MORE ON Community

    I love the “holding sand” analogy…

    Enjoy.

    Musings on a Saturday…

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    My Saturday evening routine is well under way…

  • I sit at my computer in my room at the little card table I call “The Office” @ Home – (by the way, Mr. & Mrs. H. You’ve got 4 weeks to master the theme song before we go live. I can’t wait. I want to practice it as well…)
  • If/since I’m doing worship tomorrow, drink an extra glass or 10 of water (for the hydration & the froat…)
  • Read over my notes for the teaching I’m doing – tomorrow, I’m up for Learning Community on the topic “Praying for Just About Anything” – it brings me comfort & peace to renew & review my notes… usually, something will “POP” into my head to be added or a particular section will become more clear as the area I should focus on.
  • I’m not doing the ‘Speech’ tomorrow – Shawn L is – on the topic of his blog – so I’m praying for him, as well as our desire to ‘take it where it goes’ (to cop a phrase from my Delirious? brothers…)
  • I vacuum the room, & meander out into the hallway. Usually I take the opportunity to then empty the canister in the trash can as I seem to be the one who finds that the canister is full each week at this time.
  • Look into the mirror – wonder if I really, truly have to shave… I hate my facial hair – it itches, & yet the act of shaving is painful, & usually leaves me with a wondering if I’d made the right choice… to shave or not to shave? That is the question…
  • Read a bit of LOTR
  • Miscellaneous quirky behavior…
  • Feel a bit inadequate – wonder if I’m in the right profession.

    That leads to some introspection – tonight’s thought has been swirling my brain all week at the monastery… I’m pretty sure that I don’t know what I ‘need’ God to do in me. Sometimes I think I have an idea – now, no. Clueless. A bit foggy. Dim. Makes me wonder in the times that “I Know” if I really have a clue, or if I’m really just proud, delusional, or both…

    I just know I need Him. So I can keep standing. To be my sufficiency in weakness & inadequacy. To be faith in my fear.

    • Abbey Trip, #3: A Road Trip From the Retreat

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    4/16 p.m.
    As we were sitting together in Starbucks posting blogs, drinking our 2nd refill of real, non-freeze-dried coffee, we got to talking about food… this was a mistake. Our fare for the previous 2 days had been spare & way, way over on the vegetarian side. Beggars (& retreat-ants) can’t be choosers, my Grandmother would say, but still, the thought of miscellaneous steamed veggies, AGAIN, as the main course, pushed us over the edge. We needed a road trip – the guy behind the counter who so attentively had made sure that we got our coffee refills also had a good suggestion for 3 guys that were hankering for red meat – the Riverside Grille & Bar, in nearby Red Bluff (only 17 miles up the 5.) And we’re off…

    We pulled into the Riverside & found that we were the only car in the parking lot – after double checking that they were indeed open (we’d called earlier too – that’s a 1st-born for you) we sauntered into the completely empty restaurant… completely empty except for 5 or 6 servers & the Bartender that was affectionately referred to by her co-workers using a less than kind reference to a specific part of her anatomy… Did I mention it was a cowboy restaurant? No matter – we wanted some feed, & this turned out to be a pretty great place to get it – big, burly, burgers; fries; tall icy-cold hefe; a seat overlooking the River. We hung out for a couple of hours & then decided we’d best waddle back to the Abbey before Brother John locked the front doors & we had to jump the fence (or sneak through the shrubberies) to get to our retreat.

    The evening was passed in quiet contemplation. We all sat in our chairs (Moe & Ben had their rockers; I was sporting old-school green plastic chair,) reading various books:

    Moe had “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller

    Ben had “Leap Over A Wall” by Eugene Peterson

    I had “Eat This Book” by Peterson

    We spent the better part of the evening in silence, reading, with the quiet only broken by the ringing of the bell calling the monks to one of their scheduled prayer times, or by the occasional interjection made by one of us as we excitedly shared something that we’d just read & couldn’t keep to ourselves…

    Finally, the bugs got so bad (they watered 2x a day, leaving the grass of the grounds a dead-ringer for mosquito heaven;) that we finally entered the Peace room & picked up our conversation of the day before – talking about:
    • making music with friends;
    • worship as a lifestyle;
    • community living;
    • one-sided relationships, (where one party seems to do all the giving, & the other does all the needing)
    • eating too much food & the ethics of purging, just this once to deal with the aftermath of our cavalcade of red meat…

    We ended up heading for bed after talking to & texting our wives & hearing the latest news of the day & night, including that my son had kissed a girl after youth group, & that she wanted him to, so he did it. And he liked it. Goodness.

    4/17 a.m.
    It’s a travel day, so I woke up early, as usual. It’s a gift; and a curse, I’m sure. Stripped the bed, put new sheets on it, took the ‘dirties’ to their appointed place & woke up/tried to wake up the others. Ben was rolling, Moe wanted no part of it – so brother & I made our way to St. Luke’s kitchen for a last breakfast of PB&J bread & crackers.

    Lucky for us, someone had gotten up at the crack o’dawn & had squeeze some of the oranges from the tree outside the window, had squeezed them just so that there was real live orange juice. Let me testify – there is a difference between the concentrate & the fresh squeeze-age.

    By this time Moe was up & at ‘em. He really knows how to make a bed – both mine & Ben looked like a 3rd grader had done their best; Moe’s looked like Ines from “Bottle Rocket” – absolutely perfect. He claims his dad taught him how to do it. Very nice. I need lessons.

    We liberated some OJ for Moe, then it was time to go – we left a “suggested donation” & our room keys with Brother John, & hit the road for home.

    Other than a stop for gas, some down-time in construction traffic, & a detour to get directions to Reno (don’t ask. I won’t tell.) the trip home was uneventful. And quiet. Almost like we’d all adopted the “Grand Silence” for the trip home – we didn’t, but it sure seemed that way. I amused myself by saying lines from movies, & singing snippets of songs… Good times.

    And now we’re home. What will the aftermath or the fallout of our semi-retreat to the Abbey of New Clairvaux be? Don’t know. But I do know, all over, that God wants me to have joy. And to BE joy-filled. So that’s where I’m at. You’ll have to ask the others their take, but I’m thankful for my friends. And for a new experience. I’ll definitely do it again – maybe not in the same place/venue, but I will do it again.

    Tschüss!

    Abbey Trip, #2 – Crackers w/PB & J

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    4/15 p.m.
    After lunch, we decided that we’d participate/attend the afternoon & evening “Divine Office” prayer – the 1:55 “None” & the 5:45 “Vespers”.

    We entered the chapel through a ‘visitors door’. The monks of the Abbey of St. Clairvaux are cloistered, which means that their living & work areas, as well as their grounds are set apart from the rest of the property, separated by a large shrubbery (hedges if you’re not a Monty Python fan.) There is even a separate entrance to the chapel for the monks. The retreat-ants get to sit in a sequestered, set apart set of benches, with the prayer books, kneeling rail, & other accoutrements common to the chapel.

    The “None” (Noin) for Tuesday consisted of the singing of several portions of the Psalms – actually a selection from Psalm 119 – followed by the Alleluia & Amen singing – which is all done following the leader (Cantor) & in the familiar, sing-song that I have experienced before while attending Mass on the Gonzaga campus in Spokane for my brother’s law school graduation. It’s the kind of sing-song that if you hear it once, you could participate if you so desired – & could take any sentence you’d normally say & put it into the rhythm of the cadence. It was about 15 minutes long, & I really enjoyed praying the Psalms – its something that I’m familiar with from the Daily Office (Office meaning the “work devoted to God,”) that I follow (see Peter Scazzero’s book, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” for more on the Office.) It was a great reminder that we are set apart to God – & was a great break in the middle of the day.

    It became evident that we needed a trip to Starbucks – Monday on our way to the Abbey, we’d seen one in Corning while picking up our supplies for the week, so we navigated our way into town & parked at Starbucks. The beans were roasted by AJ, by the way – a sticker on the beans we were enjoying said, “Proudly roasted in Carson Valley, NV” – Woohoo. BTW: we told the manager that we knew the man who was in charge of roasting the beans… she didn’t care, but we did, because we’re proud of that guy.

    You know from reading the blog yesterday that we also ended up horking onto the bandwidth in one of the shops next to Starbucks – Ben got onto the Quizno’s network, & I was on something like “Zylnex” which sounds an awful lot like a prescription for something that I don’t want to know about. It brought great joy to “liberate” bandwith for free – to post & go. We hung out in the Starbucks for about 90 minutes, & were treated to a couple of free refills by one of the baristas that was eager to show his manager that he is capable of some great customer service. Of course, we egged him on, & played the role of sassified customers – the coffee was excellent, & tasted much, much better than normal after our steady diet of Taster’s Choice Freeze-dried specials.

    Our curiosity got the better of us, & we left to explore Corning – we went to a couple of 99c stores, & meandered through another couple of mini-mart-type places looking to see what we could see. All the while, we were on the topic of discussing what we’d experienced in “the None”, & also talking about the incorporation of Mary into worship, & the theology that presents Mary as an (the?) integral piece (center?) of Catholic worship & practice. We postulated a bit about how a great woman (Mary, Jesus’ mother) chosen by God to be the woman who gave birth to Immanu’El, God with us, is transitioned by church traditions from ‘great woman of faith” to one that is worshiped, revered, honored, venerated, & is recast as divinity (or at least right next to divinity.)

    One of the things we talked about is the title “Queen of Heaven” that is spoken of by the prophet Jeremiah (Chapter 7 & Chapter 44) in referencing a particular idol worshipped by Israel – in direct opposition to God’s instruction not to. This title has popped up throughout history, attributed by various peoples to the god/goddesses they worshipped – Canaanite, Babylonian, Roman, & Greek peoples assigning worth & worship to an idol that manifests in the name/image of the “Queen of Heaven.”

    So, we came back to the ASC in time to get some dinner (crackers w/PB&J for me) & headed off to vespers. Our sing-song for vespers (evening prayers) came from Romans 6 & Psalm 116 & 117. Then a couple of hymns were to be sung – in the same sing-song voice/chant of course. Except the hymns were an “ode to Mary, the Queen of Heaven” – this line was repeated a few times in the hymn. On the heels of the discussion we’d been having all afternoon, we were hyper-attentive to the title ascribed. Hmmm.

    The rest of the evening involved more crackers, lemonade & Fiddle-Faddles that we’d liberated from the Dollar store earlier in the day – with lots of deep thoughts & discussions. Our thoughts & talks turned to Hillside, & the changes that we’re going through …

    Change & the results of change don’t make themselves visible right away – sometimes it takes months –usually years – for the effects of change to appear, to surface. And it seems that that is too long ☺… we want to see the changes happen, to not just be modified, but to be transformed by Christ… & the longer the time that passes, the more possibilities we have to become impatient. Our discussions were heated & strong – not out of control (we were having them in the Peace Room, after all.) Moe commented that he was suddenly reminded that his desire to see the results of change NOW might, just might reflect the need to have patience developed in him & his character. And in us. To submit to God’s timing for ourselves, but also to allow it for others – to not grow weary of doing good, to not give up or surrender, but to keep on. And to believe in other people, & the work that God is doing in them. And to look for that work, & not the junk – because we’ll find what we’re looking for.

    I was sitting in a white molded plastic chair tonight, & broke it.The whole back leg came off. Oops. I’m trying not to take it as A Sign that It’s Time to be the Biggest Loser, but I am feeling a nudge every time I rub the bruise on my hip… did I mention all the floors are cement? I dropped my Mickey watch on it as well (DOH!) & broke the crystal – need a new one now. Any idea if I can get a crystal fixed on a watch I have a sentimental attachment to?

    4/16
    Today has been a slow day – rehearsing yesterday… more crackers w/PB&J – a nap (after crackers, 1 hour after waking up for the day) to clear my fuzzy head. Recording thoughts here – processing joy. Watching nature. Laughing at the boys. With the boys. Drinking my gallon of Crystal Geyser because I’m thirsty. Lots of wondering. Not a ton of answers; just a determination to keep on, to look for Joy, the joy that God gives in the middle of where we are, the joy that is not circumstantial or fleeting… to have Peace. Patience. Joy.