Category Archives: Musings

HAPPY NEW YEAR – Times, seasons, & other musings…

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It’s almost 2023.
I’m feeling (mostly) better. My voice is about 85% ‘back.’ Christmas week has come & gone. I can sense a collective gathering of energy as we prepare to step into the New Year & all that it holds: things we expect, & things we don’t.

Multiple times on Christmas Day I had several  people in a variety of contexts share the same Scripture with me:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything, & a season for every activity under the heavens:
 
a time to be born & a time to die; a time to plant & a time to uproot;
a time to kill & a time to heal; a time to tear down & a time to build;
a time to weep & a time to laugh; a time to mourn & a time to dance.
a time to scatter stones & a time to gather them;
 
a time to embrace & a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to search & a time to give up; a time to keep & a time to throw away; 
a time to tear & a time to mend; a time to be silent & a time to speak;
a time to love & a time for hate; a time for war & a time for peace.

Over the last week, I’ve been pondering this Scripture & asking God to give me His insight for it at this time, as well as what He’s leading me (& our church) into & towards in 2023…

I’m smiling as I write this – because with all that said:
  • I still DON’T have a clear plan for the whole year.
  • I DON’T completely know or understand how God is working the Ecclesiastes 3 Scripture above into me.
  • I DO know that God has confirmed Joni & I are where we are supposed to be – in Reno, doing what we’re doing, pursuing Him, leading Hillside, & helping to care for our Area Pastors.
  • I DO know that there are ebbs & flows; times & seasons for ALL of God’s purposes in/for/through/around me. And you.
  • I DO know that He is at work – some days it feels like my soul is being roto-tilled, & I’m being jack-hammered at the deepest part of my being… not for punishment, but as a preparation for the new life, new planting, new construction, new creation God is working in me.
  • I DO know that it isn’t pleasant – it hurts, it is uncomfortable, & it is, at times, a struggle.
  • I DO know that whatever God’s  ‘end game’ for this time & season will be GOOD – it will work for my good & for His glory.

I DON’T know exactly what times & seasons you are facing, but I DO know that God is working it for your good & for His glory. Embrace it – whether its a season ending or beginning. Whether you’re going through it with mourning, tears, & pain, or you’re celebrating with shouts of joy & thanksgiving.

I think I’m going to go listen to the Byrds
Happy New Year – & may you make much of Jesus in all you do –
Grace, peace, & many blessings to you
Louie

Day 19 – Still no voice & other musings…

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And now it’s December. Had to look at the calendar to double check… it is day 19 of this “sickness.” I say sickness in ” ” because, to quote James Brown, “I feel good!” But. I still do not have a voice. It’s like every other aspect of my body & health has bounced back to approaching normal levelsI except for the voice. Don’t get me wrong – it has improved a teensy bit… but it still sounds like I’ve been chain-smoking cigars with Arnold.

And so I’m still in the middle of this. Trying to use this longer-than-I’d-like process to embrace one of the many limitations that comes with being a human being. Limits aren’t something that are easily acknowledged, especially within the church which seems so fond of  {misquoting/misapplying} “I can do ALL THINGS through Him (Christ) who gives me strength”

For me – embracing the limits on my life right now = taking time to rest when I feel like it. Not pushing it with my voice. Being silent & quiet (not the easiest thing in the world, even for an introvert.) Giving thanks to God for the good I’m experiencing. For my overall health & my dear friends that are so encouraging, life-giving, & supportive, not just in this time of ‘weakness,’ but when life is grand.

And still… I’d like to be able to sing. Because I sing all the time, whether if its for private worship, practicing/learning songs, or just belting out my karaoke standards to serenade myBean, my grandkids, or my nieces (what 13 & 15 year old girls DON’T want their beloved uncle to sing 80s songs to them? I mean, c’mom man.)

Even with a bum voice last Sunday, I was able to do the speech/message for church. We’ve been working through 1 & 2 Peter for the last 3 months, which is something I envisioned doing while out on sabbatical this last Summer. In prep for the 1 & 2 Peter studies I must have read through both letters at least 3 times a week (maybe 35 times each?) & I’ve been so excited every week to tackle & explore this material within the context of our Hillside community. And yet…

This week we’ll be in 2Peter 2…  which, in my opinion, really has to be taken as a whole chapter, all at once. Which is a lot.

Somewhere in the reading & re-reading I missed the main thrust of that chapter is about the surety of God’s just judgment upon false teachers (those who misapply, misuse, & manipulate the Scriptures for their own gain/for the exploitation & entrapment of people) as well as God’s predictable goodness in ultimately saving/rescuing/preserving His people (those who live for Him/who are bothered by the actions of the bad guys.

As I’ve been sitting with the Scriptures & wrestling through an outline, I’ve been struck by the fact that it is very possible to curate (sift through, pull together, & carefully select certain materials) Scripture in such a way that a person attending church listening to 52 speeches a year never encounters a less-than encouraging, uplifting, “isn’t God sooooo good?” selection from the Bible. To me, 2Peter 2 — while ultimately aiming to illustrate God’s faithfulness & the fact that no one will get away with being a bad actor — is a hard passage of Scripture. It’s tough. It’s got judgment & harsh words throughout. And yet, its completely consistent & in-line with the character & nature of God as portrayed in the rest of the Scriptures. And ultimately, it is good news. Maybe not for the charlatans, the liars, the twisters & perverters of God’s teachings, those that mislead others – but it is good news & a faithful reminder of a truth found in Galatians 6:7,8 – Don’t be deceived: God WILL NOT be mocked. Whatever a person sows, they will reap.

It’s a reminder & testimony to me that we do matters. Esp. if we’re entrusted with leading, shaping, & teaching people in God’s Name.

Day 8 – home sick before Thanksgiving

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Today marks day 8 of me being home sick… it’s never gotten terrible, & at the same time I’ve not gotten significantly well enough to actually try to work from home (at least until today.) As a by-product of this unforeseen down time, I’ve been reflecting on several topics, including:

  • This Summer’s sabbatical; 
  • Things I take for granted (until I don’t have them/have access to them); 
  • The value of work & purpose in everyday life;
  • How everything has a time or a season; 
  • God’s “gift” of limits

I decided to write about the limits I’m currently navigating.

Today, I’m experiencing limits with:

  • MY ENERGY. I ain’t got none. I’ve been averaging 2 naps, minimum a day (with gusts up to 4) but the energy level has remained in the “yellow” at best, but mostly in the “red.” (The fact that I have energy to think & focus & write THIS is a good sign).
  • MY APPETITE: I ain’t hungry, & nothing sounds appetizing. 
  • MY VOICE: I ain’t gone one, it is a labor to try to speak at a volume that can be heard by others (& it inevitable ends up in a cough from exertion anyway)
  • MY HEALTH (aka my ability to get better); I’m doing all I can, all I know to do to get better. I’ve got a plethora of friends praying for a boost to my health. 
  • MY LOCATION: I am ‘stuck” at the house for at least the next 2 days while the new HVAC units are being installed; 

I’m sure there’s more, but I just wanted to illustrate a few of them. And not in a complaining way; in a ‘reality’ way… this is true for me now, & there’s nothing I can do to overcome them. I can’t be victorious; I can’t push beyond them without potentially severe consequences; this is me through at least tomorrow. 

The rest & rhythm muscles I developed this Summer on Sabbatical are showing themselves to be helpful in this. Being content (not thrilled, but ok) with being stuck in a spot I’d not choose to be, doing what I’d rather not do, for a time longer than I want to… I can either complain about it & waste the time I have home to rest, or I can embrace it as the current season of my life… a season that I’m hoping & praying will be a quick one, followed post-haste with good health & normal.  I can’t change anything by complaining or worrying, & I won’t get well any quicker by trying to push into physical reserves that aren’t there.

So I’m thinking thoughts, letting them wander a bit. Watching the USA World Cup game against Wales. Reviewing my notes for last week’s message (which will hopefully be NEXT week’s message.) Thinking about family time at Thanksgiving. Reading a book. Pondering possibilities for the SF Giants 2023 roster as the MLB Hot Stove League kicks into full swing.

And I’m reviewing texts & Marco Polo’s from friends & loved ones wishing me health; listening to a podcast from a friend’s church (because I want to feed my soul too!); plotting putting together a lunch style meal. And I’m thinking about things I’m thankful for. Because there’s a lot.

Stay Close… a theme for 2022

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A couple weeks back I had a conversation with my friend Jake (he’s a trained & licensed therapist/counselor) about ‘feelings.’ One of the things I’ve learned from Jake (& there’s a bunch) is how to better identify & work through my feelings/emotions. As such, something I’ve wrestled with, especially lately, is when I hear someone say something along the lines of “I don’t feel safe…” with whatever reason they have for not feeling safe. Except “safe” isn’t a feeling; it’s not one of the 10 core emotions that all humans have… yep – everybody – regardless of background, culture of origin, etc… (If you’d like to see/hear Jake identify & talk about our 10 core emotions, check out THIS LINK– I’ve found the information & application to be SUPER helpful. Back to the conversation…)

Jake clarified, “Safe” isn’t a feeling – its more of a belief or interpretation, an impression, thought, idea, evaluation of a situation or circumstance.” (Thanks Jake.) Now I GET what is probably meant by “I don’t feel safe” – my guess is that its usually fear that is registering for that person at that moment, based upon what they’re experiencing & how that could affect them.

With that said, & with a bit of a disclaimer: I’ve been a pastor for 30+ years, & until recently, I’ve never felt like I had some sort of overarching ‘theme’ for the year for our church… I said “until recently,” because the last 3 years have been different (Boy haven’t they.) Its not like I sit & think for hours until I “get” the theme for the year… it has just ’emerged’ while I’m going about my preparations for a message, or in my thinking times, or through conversations (like the one with Jake W I mentioned above.) 

While I was pondering ‘safe’ (& feelings, & emotions, & fears, & pandemics, & hysteria, & people, & stuff) what came to mind were a series of stories/accounts from the Bible book of Joshua. Joshua is an account of the Israelite people entering into & taking possession of the Land, including their daunting encounters with the Nephilim: Giant, 1/2 demon, 1/2 human spawn occupying the Land & making up large numbers of the “-ites” the Bible talks about.  

God promised Joshua (the new leader of Israel after Moses’ death) & the Israelites He would be WITH them, He would GO BEFORE them, He would NEVER LEAVE or FORSAKE them, & He would GIVE them the Land. Their job? To believe Him, to meditate on His ways (commands, precepts, teachings, path… think of it as “God’s road for life) & to not be afraid.

I definitely don’t want to get caught up trying to make a step by step, blow by blow comparison of Israel entering the Land & our lives in 2022… but I would like to share a couple of things: 

One of the main ways that we experience attack from the dark one comes through FEAR: he wants us to be intimidated, to be focused solely on our resources (or the lack thereof); to be consumed by our inadequacies & weaknesses. The goal is to keep us bound up, settling for less than God’s promises, mired in inactivity & paralyzed by our very real fears. 

God invites us to live differently. Instead of attempting to overcome insurmountable & seemingly invincible enemies with our own resources & strengths & abilities, He encourages us to STAY CLOSE to Him, to live (walk) as He intends, & to allow our day-to-day to be orchestrated & ordered by Him. And as we do that, we will see Him overcome/conquer/destroy/wipe out the adversaries in front of us.

With all that said, for 2022, our theme at Hillside is STAY CLOSE – what that means can mostly be summed up in these 5 things that help define what this STAY CLOSE looks like, lived out:

  • Stay close to Jesus
  • Be flexible/open to God change
  • Be prepared/get ready
  • Be strong & very courageous – don’t be afraid
  • Be careful to obey everything you know to obey

The days we live in are challenging… & I don’t believe that our adversaries, our ‘Giants,” should merely be explained away as people with wrong thought processes, ideologies, self-destructive practices, control issues, &/or political/religious/national affiliations. Instead, I believe we’re dealing with spiritual forces of darkness that aim to enslave, to steal/kill/destroy, to keep us from becoming who & what the God says we are… 

Therefore, I aim to STAY CLOSE & to do my very best to walk in His footsteps in 2022 & beyond. 

BONUS: check out Psalm 91 – one of the best (my favorite) Psalms on staying close to God.

Looking ahead to 2022, & a letter asking HOW to re-start going to church….

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I love to write, & I love to share my thoughts (musings?) with others. And yet… for most of 2021 I didn’t blog. Instead, I put together at least 1 video post/week, along with my staff, on our church’s YouTube page (you can check it out HERE if you’re interested.)

In the last few weeks of each year, I like to take stock of my life & purpose to make changes to better fit my goals, values, etc… Not “New Year’s Resolutions” per se; rather, intentional, on-purpose life adjustments. Things to stop. Things to start. One thing I am aiming to do in 2022 is to write, to blog again. So here I go.

This week, a friend texted me a question & the answer would have been way to long for this guy to text back…. so I wrote him a letter (an email, really) with an answer that I hope will be helpful. I know he’s not the only one asking this question (I’ve heard it from many, many people over my 22 years pastoring. This isn’t the ONLY answer – every situation is a little different… & the answers I’m offering are  100% my opinion, though I hope they are rooted in not only my experience but also in scriptural principles.

First, the question:

“Do you have thoughts on helping people handle changing seasons & church relationships? I have three different friend groups that all started in (campus/college ministry group) that have all recently ran into hiccups or issues after COVID & all of them appear to be at “restart” phases of finding church or belonging.. They find it hard to be motivated to go to church because they don’t have any connected relationships. Any thoughts or ideas?”

The answer:

Dear friend:
Thanks for reaching out – I feel really strongly about this topic, partially because I’ve got so many old students & old friends who have lived this out… & many of them have still never reconnected with a church & haven’t been a  part of a community since their Campus ministry days.

One of the bummer things about campus groups is they are (largely) homogenous… people the same age, going through the same general things… & there are (usually) many significant, powerful happenings in their lives with Christ. (Think ‘mountaintop experiences.’)
Most churches will be different than that – especially if there is a mix of ages/life experiences (heterogeneous)…. real community, real fellowship takes work & commitment because you’re largely going to be connecting & building relationships based on a commitment to Jesus & being obedient to Him (vs. based on age, things in common, previous friendships, etc.) And sometimes it requires that YOU be the person that helps others to connect; that YOU be the one who reaches out, who helps, who encourages others.
So – what I’ve said (& I’d say to others asking the question) is something like this:
Think back to when you first started going to your campus ministry group – you had to risk, you had to extend yourself, you had to try (probably multiple times.) This is a similar process that you will need to embrace in order to motivate yourself to GO to church, to CONTINUE going to church, & to be APART of a local community for the long -term.
Being a participating member of a church community is really important & significant – here are some ideas for you to get started & get connected:
  • Ask a trusted Christian, church-going friend who is in a local church community – can I come to church with you for a bit to get my bearings? Go there & give it a month or two, minimum..
  • Do you have any connections at a local church? People you know already, friends attending somewhere?Go there & give it a month or two, minimum..
  • If not, are there any churches near you that are familiar (denomination, worship style, philosophy, values, etc) to you? Go there & give it a month or two, minimum..
  • If not, ask God for bravery, boldness, & direction & FIND a church in your city (near or far doesn’t matter, but nearer, aka less than 30 minutes away, is probably best. Then commit yourself to go & participate in the life of the church – attending church but also trying a small group; staying for fellowship opportunities; looking for others with their ‘connectors’ out.

No church is perfect; it is often messy & requires people to really commit to the process of church, having thick skins & perseverance, to be willing to repent & to extend grace to others. It will require giving of yourself, extending yourself, stepping into potentially lonely situations (at least initially). & then not quitting.

And if the church you try doesn’t end up being one you can connect with/in, try another… but keep going. Keep trying. Keep extending yourself. It is worth it.
I know many people who’ve made the ‘leap’ into church community & they love it; & I know many who have never made the jump out of campus ministry to church, & they are still living off the ‘great things God did when I was in college,’ even if it is 20 years later. And that makes me sad, because God isn’t done with you when you leave school

Hope there’s something in here that helps…

Blessings to you
Louie

Stuff #7 – “Don’t put wood on the fire…”

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Continuing today in the series, “STUFF I’VE PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY.”  This one stems from a (series of?) conversations with my dad when I was just a lad… & it had everything to do with my response to my younger brothers’ antagonism.

STUFF #7 – “Don’t put wood on the fire…” 

For all of us wanna-be pyros, this seems like it would be BAD advice; of course fires need more wood. That’s how they burn! But this truth is precisely why the instruction to NOT put wood on the fire stuck with me…

I am the oldest of 4 boys – all of us born (approx.) 4 years apart. There were some lonely days between the ages of 0 to about 6. First, I was waiting for siblings; second I was waiting for them to get bigger so we could actually PLAY together. I thought that once Johnny & Joel (& later Ben) were growed up, then:

  • life would be better & more fun
  • we would live out all of our days in rapturous joy;

Not quite how that worked out.

While I loved (& still love) my brothers, our early years were often characterized by all out brawls: verbal & physical… 2 (& later 3) against 1. Them against me. And while the physical onslaught was (mostly) easy to endure, it was the psychological warfare which all of my brothers engaged in that really got me. It’s like they were born with the innate knowledge of “How to antagonize your brother…”  I didn’t get that they would provoke me to get attention out of me, & bad/negative attention was better than no attention.

My brother Johnny could push my buttons. He knew just what to say, just what to do, to get a rise out of me. When my parents weren’t looking, he’d pinch, punch, shove, or elbow; he’d lean in & call me silly names, challenge me to contests of physical (& emotional) strength, & generally dominate me & my head space. He lived there rent-free :)

I’d respond in anger. Frustration. My own antagonism. I’d get loud, go after his buttons (I could play that game too) & generally take it up a notch (or 10) until the house was overflowing with our shouted conflicts, disagreements, & antagonisms.

One day, I remember my dad pulling me aside & taking me into his study (which, to me, signaled that things were about to get REAL.) He pulled out his bible & read these verses to me:

Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers & as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. Proverbs 26:20,21 – NIV

I could see it – my dad was explaining to me that the problem, the REAL problem, was that my brothers kept putting fuel on the fires, which resulted in me HAVING to respond to them to make sure justice was served, every challenge was met, & every threat, rebuffed. Felt a little proud of myself at connecting those dots. Except…

That wasn’t the point. This wasn’t about learning to shut down conflicts by controlling the behaviors of OTHERS. This was about learning to shut down conflicts by controlling the behaviors (& responses) of LOUIE. Me. The lesson wasn’t in how to fix others… it was in how to control & discipline the only person I really could: me.

Not what I wanted to hear. I think I argued with my dad a bit, about the injustice of what he was (God was?) asking me to do – “If I don’t respond, they’ll think they WIN. And that is not RIGHT!”

Nope – that is not the thing – the thing is, the only person Louie can control, can truly take full responsibility for shaping is… Louie. And in this scenario, the Bible, Solomon – the wisest of them all – inspired by the Lord God Almighty, was pointing to a different way.

IF you don’t put wood on a fire, it WILL go out.

My responses (justified & legitimate though they may seem to me) were putting wood (kindling, gasoline, & all other flammable materials) onto a fire that would never tire of burning out.

And sometimes the only way to put the fire out, was to STOP putting wood/fuel on it. And that is what I was tasked to do.

It wasn’t perfect, but I did it. I can distinctly remember a time where Johnny went into antagonist mode; he wanted, no, needed me to respond to him, so he gradually dug into his tool bag of “fire it up” skillz, & launched them at me. One at a time. Every. Single. One.

And this time, this once, I ignored his taunts. I ignored & didn’t respond to his teasing. I thought about starving a fire of fuel, & determined in my heart & in my head (& with my mouth) that I would not, under any circumstances, add any WOOD to this FIRE. And i didn’t.

And eventually, young Johnny (who had to be all of 4 years old or so,) ran out of steam. It was no fun to stir things up without a partner/opponent. But I was determined. No. Wood.

The feeling of satisfaction I experienced at that moment stays with me today. I DID it. Because I DIDN’T do it. And, just like my dad (& Solomon & the proverb in my Jesus book) said, the fire of antagonism went out. Walked away. Went to raid the pantry. No conflict.

This principle has remained at/near the forefront of my thoughts/interactions, even today, esp. when a situation arises where it appears interpersonal interactions are going to get HOT… & instead of responding to real/perceived injustice, antagonism, character assassination, etc… I have learned (& attempted to practice) self-control. I laid down (& continue to practice laying down) the need to be RIGHT, the need to have the LAST WORDS, the need to be JUSTIFIED in my own eyes/the eyes of others.

Years later, I was reading in the book of Nehemiah (the rebuilder of the wall around Jerusalem) – what stood out to me was his self-control & his refusal to respond in kind to the attempts made to divert him from God’s purpose & plan for his life… attempts made by 3 guys (& their minions) to distract, antagonize, & turn him FROM self-control/obedience to God, TOWARDS answering their challenges & embracing the need for self-justification.

I can do that.

I don’t HAVE TO respond to antagonism in kind.

I am not COMPELLED to put wood on the proverbial fire.

I don’t have to attempt to JUSTIFY myself in the eyes of others… esp. if I can be content & secure in the knowledge of my own (to the best of my abilities) right standing before God.

This one, “Don’t put wood on the fire,” is PURE GOLD. Grab on to this for yourself.

Stuff #6 – “Speak life… (or don’t speak.”)

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Rolling on in the series, “STUFF I’VE PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY.”  This one comes from an interaction I had at 16, & a late night conversation with God.

STUFF #6 – Speak life… or don’t speak.

Maybe you could call this “STUFF” the Thumper rule… You know, Thumper as in the lovable rabbit from the Disney movie, Bambi. The “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all,” rule. This is one of the most painful lessons I’ve picked up in my life, because it came about after causing someone tremendous pain with something I said…

Like many people (just about everyone?), I was very insecure as a teen – esp. in my mid-teen years. Over time & through a lot of practice I learned how to mask this insecurity by running my mouth, deflecting words spoken to/at me by using the old ‘the best defense is a good offense‘ routine.

In the summer of 1986, a group from my church (made up of a bunch of my peers & few adult chaperones,) was preparing to go to Mexico City during the World Cup to help a local church. Part of the preparation involved weekly meetings after church on Sundays where we learned things like a philosophy of missions, interacting with people in a different culture, how to navigate the biggest city in the world, & some rudimentary Spanish & Spanish-language stories, songs, & other fun stuff that would be a part of our trip. Looking back, I think the biggest thing we were trying to do was build chemistry with the people that we’d be spending 2 weeks with in a variety of pressure-filled situations. (Also funny – to me – is the fact that the room we met in for all those weeks of preparation now serves as my main office at the church. But I digress.)

My cousin (also going on the trip) & I decided, separately, that this trip to Mexico would be a good excuse to get a new haircut… a tall flat top ala Val Kilmer in “Top Gun.” Anyway, I showed up at our weekly Mexico prep meeting about 5 minutes late… only to walk in & see that my cousin had also got the same (similar?) haircut that I had & most definitely was pulling it off better than I was. To make matters worse, because he got there first, he was the one who ‘owned’ the haircut, & I was most evidently just copying him (which wasn’t true – but in the world I lived in at the time, that didn’t matter one bit… And I digress again…) Showing up & seeing his (better version of the) haircut took my anxiety & insecurity up a few notches to “just about ready to explode…” I took a chair by the door & tried (unsuccessfully) to disappear into the greenish silver wallpaper lining the majority of the wall space.

There were some giggles (to be expected, as there were several other teens in the room. Esp. funny with 2 of us having a similar, attempting to be trendy haircut.  It was going to happen…) but I thought that I’d avoided any really negative comments or comparisons when we dove immediately into our Mexico team preparations. Alas, I was wrong.

There was a young lady on the team that had a crush on my cousin – & at a quiet moment when we were all reading in our Mexico notebooks, she made a comment about my haircut & stated her opinion: “Louie is just a so & so (insert my cousin’s name)  wannabe.” 

Her comment got a bunch of laughs & I was embarrassed & ashamed, & felt like the (negative) center of attention – my mind began to race a million miles an hour & I can remember looking over at this young lady & mentally shuffling through a catalogue of potential responses that might divert attention from ME to HER.

As the laughter died down a bit, I decided to go for broke & said something I knew would put the attention 100% on her: “Oh yeah? Well, you are just a killer whale wanna-be.”  The guys in the room exploded with laughter & finger pointing. Ha! “I win,” I thought. And then I looked around & saw the majority of the ladies (& all the adults) had looks of surprise & disgust on their faces… they knew I’d crossed a line & had gone for the throat at this young lady’s expense.

The moment was too much for her, & she got up & ran out of the room. And didn’t come back.

I wish I could say I had a moment of clarity & repentance & that I immediately went to the young lady & apologized for my crass & crude & obnoxious comment (that was meant to damage her & make sure she never made the mistake of trying to make me the butt of a joke again.) But I didn’t. I tried to keep going like nothing wrong or bad had happened & that the girl’s response was just an overreaction, all the while knowing what I had said was destructive & wrong.

Later that night, I was trying to sleep but all I could do was replay that afternoon in my head. I finally decided that I would try to ‘pray’ about the situation & ask God to help me sleep. All I kept thinking about were the times that others had ‘fat-shamed’ me &/or called me by unflattering nicknames that I can still recall to this day.

Finally, I broke – I remember weeping in my bed, crying out to God & feeling horrible at the trauma I’d inflicted on this young lady. There came a point where I was finally (mostly) at peace, & as I was laying there, I ‘heard’ God speak to me (not an audible voice but still as clear as if it had been.) The gist of what was said was:

“I’ve given you a gift – a gift meant to build people up & encourage them. A gift that allows your words to be impactful & to make a difference in the lives of those you speak to. You can choose to use it for GOOD, or you can choose to use it for EVIL. It’s up to you to SPEAK LIFE (or DON’T SPEAK.) 

That night started something in me – a process of transformation in the words I spoke – it wasn’t an overnight change, & there were still quite of bit of repenting on behalf of words I spoke, yet there was growth… & I can say that I didn’t speak to intentionally wound &/or cause damage anymore.

But I never went back & apologized to the young lady for what I’d said. And it weighed on me.

And then about 15 years ago, Joey broke his finger playing baseball. What does that have to do with anything? I’m glad you asked…

He & I spent the next couple of weeks going to doctor appointments & making sure everything would heal up ok… which meant a lot of time sitting in waiting rooms… & a lot of time for thinking. One morning on the way to the Reno Ortho Clinic, I had a memory of the “killer whale wanna-be” comment that I’d made so many years before… felt overwhelmed with what I can only call godly sorrow & remorse. I wept a bit, & thanked God for changing my heart (from where the words flow) & I thought I heard God say, “If you saw ________ (girl’s name) again, would you ask her for forgiveness?”

At that moment, there was nothing in the world further from my head as a possibility. HOW would I see her? I hadn’t seen her in 20 years or so, & didn’t even know where she lived, let alone how to get in touch with her.

We’d been sitting at Reno Ortho Clinic for about 30 minutes & I’d gotten bored with the retread magazines in the waiting room & I decided to engage in some clandestine people watching.

As I scanned the room for interesting sights, I saw a semi-familiar face. A face from the distant past. It was her. And her mom. Sitting in the SAME waiting room as I was. And she didn’t see me (or if she had, she was totally nonchalant-ing it – for some reason.) And I heard God’s voice again, asking gently, “If you saw ________ (girl’s name) again, would you ask her for forgiveness?” 

I’d thought I would do it IF I ever saw her again. Didn’t really ever think I would. But there she was… & I froze. I felt ashamed. I was overwhelmed with a fear & insecurity I hadn’t felt in years as I wrestled in my head, trying to decide what to do.

In the in-between time, she & her mom were taken back to their exam rooms; Joey & I were taken to ours a few minutes later. I’d missed it. I’d blown a divine appointment, a chance given FROM God, BY God to repent, to tell her I was sorry, to OWN the wrong’s I had said. Self-flagellation ensued.

Later that afternoon, I was praying, bargaining with God – “Please give me another chance. If you give me another chance, I promise I’ll talk to her. I’ll make it right…” It felt like I was talking to the ceiling & that my prayers didn’t go beyond the room. I’d missed it.

About a month went by, & I’d completely given up hope that I’d ever see this woman again… after all, it had been > 20 years since our previous interaction, so why should I run into her again?

But I did. The funny thing is, I can’t even remember WHERE it was that I ran into her. There are so many things about this situation I can recall with such painful clarity… but not WHERE I saw her again. What I do know is that I walked up to her & said “Hello.” I re-introduced myself to her & saw that she had some recall of me. And before she could really say anything else, I asked her forgiveness. I told her about how terrible I felt at making her the focus of an insult obviously meant to wound & scar her. I told her the story about seeing her at the doctor’s office & how I’d asked for another opportunity to run into her. And now here it was.

She was gracious. She offered me forgiveness. I think we hugged. And I floated back to my car, thanking God for His goodness to give me yet another opportunity to make things right. And His words resonated in my head, “Speak LIFE…” 

And they still do.

Stuff #5 – “Could you be wrong?”

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Rolling on in the series, “STUFF I’VE PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY.”  This one comes from a car ride with my dad when I was about 5 years old.

STUFF #5 – Could you be wrong?

Back in the day when I was about 5 (probably one of my earliest ‘learning memories’ that I can pinpoint from the wayback machine,) my dad & I were driving towards home. At the time we lived on Upson Lane, & I distinctly remember we were cruising around Dartmouth Dr. (there is still a beautiful pond there,) & we had the front windows down for some 1970’s era 2-30 air conditioning. (You know, roll down the 2 windows & drive 30 mph to cool down ?)

Anyway, as we approached the curves on Dartmouth, (right at the ponds), a piece of paper (don’t remember exactly what it was, only that it was a full size, 8 1/2″ x 11″) was flapping on the dashboard in the little crevice between the dash & the windshield.

Though the paper was flapping pretty good, in my expert & very professional opinion, it wasn’t in any danger of flying out of the car. We weren’t going fast. The paper was secure. And yet…

My dad said, ‘Would you take the paper off the dashboard, please? I don’t want it to fly out the window & get lost.”

I looked at the paper again, looked back at him, & replied, “Nah, it’s ok. It’s not going anywhere.”

To which my dad asked, “Louie, could you be wrong?”

I distinctly remember the thoughts running through my head at that precise moment. Could I be wrong? No! No way I could be wrong. The paper was barely flapping & was tucked securely between the dash & windshield. I was absolutely, positively, certain that it wasn’t going ANYWHERE. So I said, with all the conviction I could muster: “No. No I couldn’t be wrong.”

The words were scarcely out of my mouth when all of the sudden a gust of wind blew through the car & the piece of paper in question blew right out my window, to settle in an unknown & forever lost place.

I couldn’t believe it. There was NO WAY that this paper could have blown away, no way I could have been wrong about it. And yet I was.

What I remember the most about those ensuing moments follows:

  • My dad’s belly laugh – I’d just learned a lesson that would stick with me for life, & it didn’t even come with a spanking.
  • Even though I had been 100%, absolutely sure that there was NO WAY that paper was going anywhere, it did. And I was most definitely wrong.
  • I was quiet the rest of the way home ( a whopping 2 blocks).

40+ years later, I still think about THAT precise moment when the thing I was SURE couldn’t, wouldn’t, wasn’t able to happen, did, in fact happen. And I was profoundly impacted by that experience – & I know I learned, from that moment on, no matter how SURE I felt about something, anything… there was always the possibility that I could, somehow, someway, be wrong. And it weighed on me – with a positive, encouraging, & humbling kind of weight.

Over the years, I’ve found that any pressure I feel about being ALWAYS right & NEVER wrong is rooted in a bad & dark place – in pride, in ego, in arrogance. To be able to embrace, with humility, that in spite of all the positive feelings & beliefs I might have about a particular thing being RIGHT, there was always the possibility that I could be wrong.

It is a freeing thing to know that you know that you know that even when one feels 99 44/100% sure about something, it is a wise person that leaves the possibility open that somehow, someway, that person could also be wrong about that very thing.

Stuff #4 – “Feed the hungry bird…”

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Rolling on in the series, “STUFF I’VE PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY.”  This one also came from Ron Pinkston, by way of a few dozen conversations with people on the topic of “making disciples of Christ.”

STUFF #4 – When it comes to making disciples, influencing others towards good, encouraging people: FEED THE HUNGRY BIRD.

When I started volunteering with Jr & Sr High students, I knew that one of my responsibilities was to make disciples (aka ‘fully devoted followers of Christ.’) However, I didn’t have any idea just HOW I was supposed to do that. So, pre-the Google machine’s invention, I asked around. Called friends (on a touch tone land-line phone, even,) for recommendations. Some suggested a curriculum, studied in a classroom type setting, for a set number of weeks; others offered up a ‘y’all come’ approach, where any & everyone who showed up to class &/or youth group would be discipled (though I wasn’t exactly sure how that was supposed to happen. Still.)

I fumbled & stumbled through it, feeling overwhelmed, ill-equipped, & frustrated. Felt like I was failing at what I was trying to do. And then…

“If you want to make disciples & don’t know where to start, just FEED THE HUNGRY BIRD. Look for the student that wants to learn, wants to grow, & wants to spend time doing it. And then spend time with them.”

Don’t exactly remember the context for when/where I heard this saying, but I know when I did, a light bulb went on in my head. I could do that! And so I decided to experiment: one night at youth group, I told the handful of students, “Anyone who wants to grow in their relationship with Jesus & hang out with me before school, & drink coffee/eat a muffin at the City Cafe bakery, we’re meeting on Tuesdays @ 6 a.m. I’ll get you a ride to school as well.”

The next Tuesday, I showed up at the City Cafe as the doors were opening to the public… it was me & a few morning stragglers grabbing their coffee & a quick bite on their way to work. No one was sitting in the Cafe, so I got my cup (free refills For The Win #FTW) & parked at a table in the middle aisle of the restaurant. (It was a converted, barely remodeled Swensen’s Ice-Cream parlor. If you’ve been in one, you get the picture.) I was alone.

Every time one of the doors opened, I’d peek around to see if any brave souls were joining me in at the Crack O’Doom. For coffee & Jesus. For the longest time, (at least 10 minutes,) no students came… just early risers on their way to work. And then…

I’d heard the door, but had gotten tired of turning around to the disappointment of Yet Another not-student walking in the door. I focused on drinking my bottomless cup of joe, nibbling on a cobblestone muffin, & reading my Psalms.

Next thing I knew, I sensed someone’s presence nearby. It was Vic, a 7th grader from our youth group, standing there looking as awkward as I felt, & but as welcome as any Christmas morning I’d ever experienced. Somebody came! And now what to do.

Vic figured out the transactional part of the morning (coffee & a muffin for here in the cool green basket,) & came over & sat across from me. Drinking his coffee, slowly. Taking large bites of his muffin.

What to do next? He was here now, invited to come “grow in his relationship with Jesus.”

So we talked. Laughed. I listened to him, & prayed that I’d have something to say. His questions didn’t start on Jesus, the Bible or other spiritual topics, but somehow, they seemed to end up there.

Before I knew it, an hour had passed & it was time to take him to school – when I dropped him off, I can remember him saying, “So, we gonna do this again next week?”

I hadn’t thought of next week. But I said, “Yes. Of course. Same time, same place.” And he got a big smile on his face & said something like, “Cool. it was fun.” And he bailed.

Over that school year (& for the next several years that I lived in Carson City,) Tuesdays at the City Cafe became a ‘thing,’ at one point taking over most of the tables & booths in the restaurant. All Jr & Sr High students. All ordering coffee. All eating a muffin. All talking at their tables with friends, Youth sponsors (people there to help me with supervision & discipleship) & having a blast.

Being discipled. Encouraged towards Jesus. It was beautiful, & is still one of my favorite memories from my time in Carson.

Over the years, FEED THE HUNGRY BIRD came to mean – share time, space, & experiences with the people who WANT to gather, WANT to hang out, WANT to learn. Though it could sound trite, it really was true: the Holy Spirit set the agenda for what got addressed, & we never really needed a curriculum as He & life’s circumstances & challenges provided more materials than I could ever have wanted to have.

There’s no substitute for time together. For good conversation. For making time to listen. For saying, “I don’t know,” when you don’t know, & for heading to prayer for answers, comfort, & encouragement in those times.

It gives me great joy to know that many, many of those students are still walking with Jesus, now with spouses & their own kids (& some even have grandkids) more than 30 years later.

And it all started with Vic, the brave soul who took me up on my invite to grow in his relationship with Jesus. Over coffee. With a muffin. Before Jr High.

Stuff #3… “Nobody owes me anything.”

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This is #3 in a blog mini-series about “Stuff I’ve picked up along the way.” You can find the other 2 parts of this HERE

STUFF #3 – NOBODY OWES ME ANYTHING. (This one came up a couple of times; first, in a series of conversations with a former pastoral overseer/supervisor of mine, Ron Pinkston, & then later with Jerry Cook.)

Think about that phrase for a second.

It’s not “I don’t owe anyone anything,” (which I know might sound suuuuuper attractive to you. I recognize that it could be a very enticing potential life motto, especially when one is feeling stretched super-thin {like too little butter spread over too much toast} &/or is feeling extra “done” from pouring out. Nope.)

This one is not THAT. It, very specifically & intentionally, is “Nobody owes me anything.”

Time is funny, in that I can’t remember all the specifics that were going on in my life at the time, nor exactly what prompted me to seek out the conversation w/Ron. (Granted – this may have been 25 years ago.)  I do remember that I was frustrated, I felt wronged, & I really, truly thought that when I talked to my supervisor, he would fully understand, he would reassure me in my feeling of ‘wrongness’ & perhaps even commiserate with me a bit about the VERY obvious series of wrongs that I was experiencing. I was right about one thing; he DID understand. Except…

He understood what I was saying to him better than I understood it myself. In my mind, I was relaying to him one of the great hurts that happen to People Like Me in this life; people who are givers who then, in their own point of need, are not considered, taken for granted, & perhaps even… forgotten. But what he understood was that what I was expressing to him was disappointment & frustration at being let down by a couple of people who Should Have Known Better & Done Better in their interactions with me. And what I was sharing with him was born out of entitlement, selfishness, & self-pity.

I’m thankful he didn’t drop the proverbial hammer on me… nope. He merely interrupted my eloquent complaints & said something like, “I get it. I GET it. I know what the problem is… You’re living, functioning, & interacting with these people (& probably more) with a belief that because of who you are & what you do, that somehow they OWE you in some way. And you just can’t believe that they’re NOT responding towards you in the way you want.”

Ever have one of those moments when a trusted friend shares some tough words with you & as you hear them, you also hear & feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit reinforcing what they’re saying? This was THAT. I knew he was right. And I knew enough to shut up & listen instead of attempting to justify myself & explain away the insights he’s just exposed. I’m thankful for his input & correction – it didn’t come from a place “on high” & unrelatable; no, it came from his own experiences. And he shared those with me – how he had been EXACTLY where I was, thinking on the same thing, wondering how & why he deserved to be so wronged…

One thing he said really stood out – “If you live your life, doing what you do, in such a way that you’re believing what you’re doing entitles you to some sort of acknowledgment or reciprocation from these people, you’re going to be in increasingly BIGGER trouble as time goes by. It’s a subtle trap of the enemy of our souls – where he invites us to look at the way we live as a part of a cosmic quid pro quo… it robs us of the joy of serving others, caring for & laying down our lives for others, & it runs the risk of poisoning our hearts & minds with bitterness & resentment. It’s ugly & it’s proud, & it will consume you if you let it. Remember, nobody OWES you anything, Louie.”

As I remember, we took a minute to pray about it & I repented – asked God’s forgiveness for the entitlement, selfishness, &  pride that motivated it. And coming out the other side of the conversation, I felt 100x lighter. And free-er.

Over the years, I’ve felt the familiar feeling/temptation to go down the road of selfish entitlement more than a few times… but I can say in good conscience that I’ve avoided it like the plague. And to me, “nobody owes me anything,” has become an invitation to acknowledge my own brokenness, while at the same time intentionally choosing to be kind, compassionate, & intentional about giving of myself to & for others.

And I’m thankful for that.