Tag Archives: Relationships

Getting ready for a trip…

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This coming Saturday, the Bean & I are off to Virginia – actually a little town called “Christiansburg.” Holy, huh? I’ve been doing some research for any down time that we might have – so that I can offer the Bean a PLETH-ora of options if & when she wants to get out & explore America’s version of Bavaria…

One place I know we’re going is the Floyd, VA Country Store – for the Friday night clogging & bluegrass… I know we’re going, because my friend Chuck, (the guy who oversees the Pastoral Care for Foursquare) has recommended it, will be going, & has said that he loves it because it is a great picture of what church could & should be like. I’ve never clogged, but I am familiar with a rocking chair & Southern food. Hmmm.

I found that only 25 miles away is a genuine, Class A Minor League team, the Salem Avalanche. They Avs happen to be in town for 6 of the 10 days we’re there, & the Bean has already given approval to a road trip or 3 for the night games. $7 General Admission to get in. And Koby Clemens catches for them.

Our days will involve the two of us meeting with Chuck for counsel, then maybe 1 or the other having some solo time; in preparation for this, we’ve both been doing our ‘homework’ which means reading & listening to a lot of background material that Chuck will be bringing up with us in our talks – a lot of great, great stuff from the store at Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with resources from Peter Scazzero et al. Stuff like: “The Courage to Pursue Emotional Health;” “Accepting the Gift of Your Emotions;” “Living Faithful to Oneself;” “Going Back In Order to Go Forward;” & “Enlarging Your Soul Through Grief…” to name a few.

We talked about it a bit yesterday in the tag-team speech; but we’re both approaching this time as a gift. We’re not going to Virginia because everything is coming apart at the seams, or because our relationship is on the rocks. We’re going because we’re fortunate enough to have a leadership team at Hillside & also in our District that believes in us, & in giving us opportunity to grow, change, & work on our relationship proactively, before we’d get to the danger zone.

Maybe its because ‘counseling’ had been so stigmatized… spoken of in hushed tones about people who had come to the end of their rope, & as a last ditch effort, were going to counseling… That may be true for how others look at it, but for me & the Bean, its for the hope of growth & new life.

I’m hungry – so I’m going scavenging. Until later… Ciao!

a wedding…

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Last night I helped to officiate at my first liturgical wedding. My cousin Justin was married – the girl he married is Catholic, & wanted to get married in the church she grew up in… her CCD teacher (Deacon Bob) & I were chosen by to be the officiants, with both of us representing the ‘faith traditions’ that the blissful couple had grown up with.

About a month ago, Deacon Bob & I got together to work through the ceremony, & also for a crash course for me – so I could know what elements of the ceremony were a part of the requirement of having it in the Catholic church. Also, we needed to work through the ‘who does what part?” It fell to Deacon Bob to determine that, as there were parts that he had to do in order for the ceremony to be authorized.

We met over coffee… really good coffee… & absolutely hit it off; turns out Deacon Bob is the father of Whitey, my brother Moe’s long time friend… Plus, he had a great sense of humor, was really, really sensitive to not being offensive to me in walking me through the process; which was funny in its own right, as this is one area that I have no hyper-sensitivity to – & just wanted to make it through the ceremony. :)

It was very enjoyable – & was really glad to be able to have gone to The Abbey with TheMoses & Brother in March – a lot of what I experienced there served as great background for my plunge into the world of liturgical wedding ceremonies.

Stuff that stood out to me:

  • The vows, rings, pronouncement of the couple, & the homily had to be done by Deacon Bob, as he is authorized & recognized by the Church. Homily is a fancy word for the Speech.
  • I could do just about anything else – & did. I even was given an opportunity for Reflection – which Deacon Bob explained is a lot like the homily (speech) except is done by me. :) The irony of how the different words & calling things by different names to fit the structure was not lost on either of us. We laughed a lot.
  • Deacon Bob offered for me to wear a special robe – I thought about it for about 3 seconds & declined, remembering the travesty of the last time I wore a robe for a wedding. As if the suit isn’t uncomfortable enough…
  • Evidently, the best man had a hip flask of tequila that he may or may not have been imbibing from. All I observed was that he progressively mellowed as the evening went on…
  • I got to lead a responsive prayer – which means I read the text, then at the end of my part, lift my right hand up, palm up, to signal that everyone in the room could/should repeat the phrase, “Lord, hear our prayer.” I spent a lot of time practicing this – for many reasons.

    #1, this is a wedding, & this part of the liturgy is very meaningful to a lot of people. Even if its different for me doesn’t mean I can’t participate & see & know the presence of God in the middle of it.

    #2 – I practiced because I’m a dork, & knew that I had to in order to get past the giggles that inevitably show up at times like this. Like when me & the boys were at the Abbey, we all 3 giggled, not irreverently (at least in our eyes) to hear the cantor’s sing-song voice leading the prayers & Daily Office… And, my brother Johnny & I used to copy the Benedictine Monks chanting in Latin that we listened to & observed on TV – we didn’t know the words, so it came out like, “Hee-mo-SHAAAAAAAR-mo…” Still almost giggled yesterday – nice to share that memory with my parents, too.

    #3 – I wanted to make sure that I raised my hand at the right time – turns out I did ok, but I shouldn’t quit my day job. (Thanks Deacon Bob.)

    The wedding was happening at St. Teresa’s, a really beautiful place. It was my first time in the new building – & man – it was sweet.

    And what I didn’t know was that all of the “reflection” & “prayer” parts of the ceremony had to happen at the AMBO. Had no idea what that was… until DB pointed me to the pulpit. Hmm. Got it.

    There were songs, readings from the Bible, a homily, a reflection, prayers, & some more prayers – & it was done. Then, to the reception.

    Hung out for about 90 minutes waiting for the wedding party – they were doing pictures; we were drinking coffee & theBean was eating appetizers… by the time the bride & groom showed up, it was 8:50 p.m. & it was in Carson – so we cheered like crazy for them, then made our way out to go home. On the way out, I was told how terrible it was that I was leaving at this point. Which makes me wonder, as an aside, “How long is long enough to stay at a wedding reception?” Is it worse not to go at all, or to leave after only a ‘short’ time, regardless of the reason for it? Is it a “non-scoey” issue? I think so, but I could be wrong. I’m kinda on a role in that area

    Everything ended up nice & fun, as theBean, theWeez, & I went through McD’s for 3 double-cheeseburgers. The beauty of it is that it is on my diet. Hooray!

    • Boundaries in Marriage, #4

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    The previous 3 posts in this series can be found here: #1 and #2 and #3.

    As I read through Boundaries, something clicked; something that had been circling the gray-matter for a long period of time, but that had been undefined & way too nebulous to be coherent & understandable…

    Of course it made sense: Boundaries are established in me, by me, for me, that I would live according to & congruent with my values. That I would be able to say “Yes” & “No” according to what I really believe, think, & feel, without attempting (needing?) to attempt the futility of making others happy with my decisions. To no longer try to avoid real/perceived conflict by making decisions/living life in such a way as that these ‘significant’ people in my life would approve. Just to be.

    Real boundaries deal with self-control – in that they deal with ME. Boundaries are definitely not lines drawn in the sand in thinly veiled attempts to control others by putting restrictions on them, using guilt, threats, &/or the withholding of approval or affection. Not calling something ‘boundaries’ that is really just an attempt to punish others into changing. Or to manipulate their decision making using the ‘silent’, (or is it pouty?) treatment. Or to withdraw from relationship & call it a boundary. That sort of behavior would only be exchanging one form of relational unhealth for another. (NOTE: Boundaries can only be worked out & on in the context of relationship. To cut someone out of your life isn’t a boundary. It’s retreat. It’s based in fear. It’s immature.)

    Self-control sounded good, as did personal responsibility. Then I started realizing & thinking through the consequences & potential loneliness in making such decisions. Claiming & owning responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, & actions, while no longer using the familiar scapegoat of blaming others for my circumstances. Even my wife. I wanted something different for me, & for my marriage, & so did the Bean.

    Taking personal responsibility was like unwinding a string from a sweater that just keeps unraveling. In my marriage, I’d seen myself, for better or for worse, as a victim of circumstance; a victim of the decisions & choices of another; & I often felt sorry for myself because of those choices, & how they “kept me” from making decisions that were in line with how I really thought & wanted to live. It was no longer ok to live in the status quo, silently (usually) bemoaning the state of our relationship, without delving into real depths of transparency & communication. Displaying little of the unconditional respect, love, honor, & trust that we’d both promised to extend to each other “as long as we both shall live.”

    I discovered the pseudo-safety in being the ‘good guy’ (self-proclaimed) because of my spouse’s relational choices. It was a place I loathed, but one where I stayed because of fear. No more.

    Instead of complaining & being miserable about my wife’s choices, & blaming her for what amounted to my own inaction, I resolved to make my own decisions. Not to bail on my wife or the relationship – but to choose & live differently. To be my own person, & more importantly, to let my wife be HER own person too. To no longer feel or live like I needed to ‘compensate’ for what I saw or interpreted as her weaknesses, or to attempt to cover over her decisions that had bad consequences (for me.) Call it enabling, call it codependent, call it being afraid of being alone, or being responsible for me. Whatever. No more.

    At the root of what had to be overcome was fear – in particular a paralyzing fear that I tried to ignore & avoid, to no effect. In a nutshell:

    I feared that if I made the decisions & choices that were consistent with the boundaries I set with myself, if I lived in this manner, I would be rejected, abandoned, & no longer loved by my wife.

    There was nothing in our past or present that would support that conclusion, but it was real to me. And I wrestled. It seemed wrong. But I knew it wasn’t.

    In the middle of the decisions to change how I lived, to set & live by boundaries, I had to be ok with whatever ‘consequences’ came as a result of the choices I made. And to let the Bean make whatever decision she would make. And love & accept her unconditionally, no matter what. And to know that she’d committed the same to me. Now we just had to live it.

    Boundaries In Marriage, #3

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    Boundaries are misunderstood – as though they are some sort of special ‘fix-all’ that are applied to ‘other people’ to magically change another person’s behaviors or to modify their actions.

    That’s not setting boundaries – that’s try to control others… Boundaries are set on ourselves. Boundaries are about self-control. Learning to self-regulate, & take responsibility for me, my own wants, desires, choices, & actions.

    Boundaries are about truth – me being truthful with myself, & with others with the choices I make; what I will do & won’t do. It might be easier to blame others for our internal dissatisfaction, &/or the situation that we’ve found ourselves in, as connected to them, but in reality, our life situation is largely (not totally – as I’m wanting to avoid blanket statements :) due to what we’ve allowed/tolerated/gone along with because of our people pleasing issues. Or our desire to avoid conflict.

    Creating & applying boundaries is taking responsibility for myself in the context of relationship with others. It’s making consistent choices to affect personal change so as not to continually place myself in a hurtful, damaging, controlling situation.

    Boundaries are not withdrawal from relationship either:

    Boundaries are only built & established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the 1st step of boundaries is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against developing boundaries with another person. The only place boundaries are real is in relationship with another person.

    So, every relationship is affected by the boundaries I set, because the boundaries I set have to do with me. And that’s a great place to start affecting change…
    To be continued…

    Drive-bys…

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    Plucky’s Pixie Post reminded me of a ‘drive-by’ funkiness that I experienced not too long ago.

    A guy, in Christian leadership, that I see about 4 times a year came up to me after one of the events that we both happened to be attending. All of my lifetime interactions with this individual had been at most benign, at best innocuous.

    He told me that he needed to talk to me. As we were the last two people in the room, I thought that where we were was as good a spot as any – & couldn’t for the life of me figure out what would prompt this private conversation.

    He started the conversation with, “I just want you to know that I have had a problem with you for a long time, & that I’m letting it go. I forgive you.”

    Me: “Hmm. Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

    Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”

    Me: “For what?”

    Him: “Ummm… I don’t want to talk about it. I just forgive you, ok?”

    Me: “Not ok. You came over to say you ‘forgive me’ & won’t even tell me what I supposedly have done. That’s hippy BS.” (Note: scoey’s filters are down…)

    Him: “Well, goodbye.”

    Me: “What the heck?”

    The whole interchange left me scratching my head:

  • what just happened?
  • what was he saying?
  • what is going on here?
  • how in any world is dropping a random, unsolicited, uncommunicated “I forgive you” on another person, (in Jesus name, of course?)

    So – a drive-by. Hits you when you least expect it. No rhyme or reason. Like someone dumping a load of trash on your property, as though to say, “It’s your problem now…”

    Sigh.

    • Boundaries In Marriage, #2

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    A few things happened in a pretty short period of time that exposed & uncovered thoughts, beliefs, & mindsets – maybe that I’d not articulated before – or ever owned up to.

    What came up were thoughts about what it means to be ‘nice’ – be a ‘good Christian’ – to ‘respect & honor’ others…

    The lie that was exposed (ala theophostic before I knew what theophostic was)

    to say “no” to someone, even if I really wanted to, is un-Christian

    Think about that.

    It will pop up with total strangers, door-to-door religion salesmen, close friends, extended & nuclear family… & it centers on living for the approval of others (&/or for the absence of real/perceived conflict) while violating (sinning against) myself.

    Functioning with few/no boundaries is like having no fence in the yard around my property. And then having friends, neighbors, strangers, consistently utilize our area, our yard, our driveway to park their cars, clutter, garbage, dog poop in my space… And to say anything about it, to say, this isn’t ok, is to be thought of, in reality or in our own minds as being “not nice.” Selfish. Un-Christian.

    SIDE NOTE: This can end up sounding a lot like a series of “Sabbath” posts. That’s ok – as drawing a line (boundary), saying Yes & No congruently with our heart, embracing limits – is a bit of what goes into the Sabbath, & what I know in retrospect that God used these experiences to kick start the response in me to the leading of the Holy Spirit – & His reminders about entering His Rest.

    A part of boundaries is knowing me – really knowing who I am; my identity, personality, strengths & weaknesses; what I want – my hopes, dreams, & desires – & what I don’t – meaninglessness, loneliness, lack of fulfillment… It’s knowing & choosing to live for God’s purpose in & for my life. Boundaries reminded me that I’m accountable for how I ‘steward’ – utilize – the time I’m given; this means living with purpose & determination, even in seemingly small things.

    I can’t do everything – I can’t please everyone – I can understand that I have limits. And embrace them – not as a character flaw but as a part of being human.

    Because if I don’t live this way, someone else will come up with a purpose or plan for me – maybe not intentionally destructive – something that uses me for their purpose or plan. If/when this is happening enough, the resulting chaos, self-loathing, relational conflicts, & discouragement are deadly to self & to close relationships.

    So, the question: How can I have, nurture, maintain my relationship with my wife & close friends if I’m consistently not honoring myself or those relationships because I either won’t establish any clear boundaries, or won’t ‘enforce them?’ Is my marriage worth prioritizing as the primary relationship on the planet? For me, yes. And, it takes two to tango…:)

    More to come…

    Boundaries In Marriage, #1

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    A few years ago, (ok, now that I think about it, its more than a few. About…7? 8?) I came across a book that eventually ended up transforming my life & my marriage – it was Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend (which sounds like a great name for a ’60s folk group. But I digress…) Its one of the reasons that me & the Bean are probably going to lead a small group this Fall 2008 semester called “Boundaries In Marriage.” (I ripped off the title from another book. But that’s for later.)

    The high point for me was that it articulated very clearly & concisely something key for enjoying life in its fullness: we need to be able to say “Yes” & “No” – in a way that our outward declarations jive with our inner values, thoughts, feelings, emotions, & to me the most important – our relationships with the people closest to us. That a lot of us struggle with ‘people pleasing’ & end up functioning in an incongruent way – we are saying Yes to stuff we really want to say No to. And vice-versa. Because we want the approval of the one we’re speaking to. Or something like that. We’re afraid of being rejected. Minimized. Thought to be inferior in some way. Mocked. Derided. You get the idea.

    I’m going to blog about this in the context of marriage, but please don’t check out on me if you’re single – the concept applies across the board for close friendships/relationships. One of the biggest issues that this exposed was the very common choice in marriage relationships for one person in the relationship to choose to say “yes” to a person not in the immediate relationship to avoid conflict (or any of the above negatives,) knowing full well that it means that the person they’re married to will have to bear the brunt of their decision. In effect, they will ‘choose’ to fight it out with their spouse etc. rather that with the person of lesser status (meaning that the spouse takes #1 spot in life. Or should.) They ‘prefer’ the person that is not the spouse over the spouse. Which stinketh, because the whole ‘leave & cleave’ part of the marriage vows have to do with the ‘preference’ of spouse relationship over all others – not rejecting other relationships, but recognizing that if we’re marrying, this relationship takes preeminence over the rest.

    Hope you’re still with me – I’d never heard of Boundaries before, but I understood the concept – believing that we all need/have a set of life-guiding values that help us know what to say “Yes” & “No” to. And why. Maybe not everyone has these. The values help us to not be tossed to & fro by someone else’s ‘vision’ for our life – no matter how influential or significant the role they play (or want to play) in our life. Or have played in the past. Seems it usually pops up with extended family (parents, siblings, & others of that ilk) & close friends, but it sometimes happens elsewhere…

    This isn’t a unique issue that only a few ‘weak’ people struggle with; from my experience in pre/post marriage counseling, the area of ‘preference of spouse’ & knowing, establishing, & maintaining healthy boundaries is a major, major issue for a lot of couples. And if it isn’t for one spouse, it often is for the other. Which means its a problem for both. (Kind of along the lines of “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Or something like that.)

    Why did it change my life/marriage? I’ll get there. It’s dinner time – & I’ll pick up my ramblings when I get a chance. Ciao!