driving me crazy…

Posted on March 12, 2009 by scoeyd

Today on the way home to meet theBean in-between her Thursday double (2 shifts at work – 10-2, 4:45-close)… I observed someone driving & doing a Sudoku puzzle. Simultaneously. Not at a stoplight, but while driving. WHILE.

I was mortified. Ok, not mortified, that’s too strong of a word. Cracked up? Ok, that’s more accurate. So I decided to play a little game all the way home… on my 16 minute drive, to see what else I could observe my Fellow Drivers doing while they were driving. Or, rather, when they were supposed to be giving 100% of their attention to their driving.

Talking on the cell phone. Of course – even though MythBusters found that driving under the influence is less dangerous than driving while on the cell phone, everyone seems to do it. The only redeeming thing is that you can’t put down drunk…

Texting.

Smoking. And not just smoking. Chain-smoking.

Changing the radio station. While leaning over really close to the radio so it could be seen evidently.

Picking something out of their eyes, using the folded down visor mirror…

Eating & drinking. Using both hands, steering probably with the knees.

Yelling at (disciplining?) kids in the back seat. While facing said children.

Rocking out, using their thumb for a microphone, checking out the rear-view to see Just. How. Cool. I. Are.

Watching TV – the DVD player in the minivan displayed just above the driver – how convenient.

A couple of readers – I saw a newspaper reader (& I didn’t think they even got printed anymore,) & a big, thick book.

A car-cleaner upper – someone was picking up the trash from behind their seats & depositing it in a bag on the passenger seat.

I’m sure that there was more to observe, but I was driving. :)

How about you? What’s have you seen other drivers doing while driving…?

standing firm…

Posted on March 11, 2009 by scoeyd

The last couple of weeks, I have felt physically spent – where all I want to do is sleep. So I have upped my sleep – & have even indulged in napping. Bummer part is that I’d wake up feeling as if I hadn’t slept at all. Hmm.

My first thought is maybe it was the sickies trying to Klingon to me… don’t know that that is it.

Second thought was to think through my schedule & see if & where I’d been overextending myself, pushing too hard, falling into old patterns… again, not sure that that is it.

And so I ponder: what’s up? I know that these feelings are physical, mental, & definitely affecting the emotional. I like to figure things out – & so I’m praying, asking for insight, looking at me in the 3rd person…

It came to my mind to pray for strength to stand… I know & am confident that “standing” is something that God has made me to do, for myself & for others, like Shammah did!, & He regularly reminds me of it… & the verses from Ephesians 6 came to mind…

A final word: Be strong with the Lord’s mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil.

For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.

Use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground…

Perhaps the accumulated relational stress, unforeseen financial tightness, physical/mental/emotional drain, etc. is actually all just a part of the latest wave that is to be resisted.

Refocus. Realign. Repent. Rest. Reaffirm my hope in Christ. And remain standing, fully reliant on the ‘mighty power” of God to do so. Knowing that the battle will pass. The wave will move on. The heavy weariness will lift. And I want to still be on my feet.

samson…

Posted on March 7, 2009 by scoeyd

One of the most mystifying characters in the Bible to me is Samson – a miracle baby born to a formerly infertile couple, a child whose birth is surrounded by promise of leading Israel to freedom from her oppressors; set aside as a Nazirite from birth. (Samson’s story is told HERE)

I never really understood how Samson could be one of the “heroes” in the BIble, let alone be used by God to be the leader/judge of Israel – when right smack dab in the middle of the story is the underlying subplot of his life: he disobeyed God regularly. He didn’t keep his Nazirite vows. He regularly had sexual encounters with prostitutes. He had a ‘thing’ for Philistine women – something that eventually ended up costing him his life.

One thing that I never read about, (& didn’t really notice until now,) is that in the story of Samson there isn’t any meaningful connection or friendship with guys mentioned- not even one. His use of women as sex objects is. His consistent chasing of Philistine women is; his making decisions on his own, relying on his ‘gifts, call, & talent” is.

Makes me wonder.

On that note, I came across this article – it explains a bit about the “Samson Society”, something I heard & read about last week; something that I mentioned HERE.

If you’re interested, the book is available HERE. I strongly recommend checking it out…

nobody’s fault but mine…

Posted on March 5, 2009 by scoeyd

This a.m. I’ve been listening to the 77’s cover of Zeppelin’s Nobody’s Fault But Mine. Sometimes I like to just put that song on “REPEAT” & listen to it over & over… either that or Akiko Suwanai’s performance of the Bach Violin Concertos…

I like both of these because they stimulate thought… & from my experience, there is nothing like Bach to bring one’s ideas together, to eliminate confusion, & set the tone for work, study, or… thinking…

One of the things that has been circling my brain is the (sudden?) realization that I would like to be able to assign (pass?) blame to others… & that it happens because I don’t want to take responsibility for myself. Here’s an example:

This morning, theBean & I were getting ready for the day, & she made a comment (shared an opinion) to/with me, & it bugged me. It MADE me angry. I could feel my mood, outlook, & attitude going south… & it was because of what SHE said. And I wanted to let her know it. So I did. Her response? “It’s your choice.” (NOTE: it wasn’t said with sarcasm. No “biting tone.” No flippancy. She just said it.)

“It’s your choice.” Something I say all the time – ALL the time. My dear friend Johannes used to say it to me in conversation – I loved to hear him say it with his American accent. I say it because it reminds me of him, & I try to say it like he does, which is almost always followed with a “Hmmm…”

As I sulked in the bathroom, my own words came back to me. There are somethings in life that I CAN’T choose, things that are beyond me – but there is a whole lot that I can. My responses are mine to choose – even in the face of disappointment, frustration, sadness, insecurity, fear… It’s my choice.

My attitude. My words. My actions.

And if I was going to sulk, pout, withdraw, get mad, be antagonistic, well…

…it’s nobody’s fault but mine…

thoughts on a Wednesday…

Posted on March 4, 2009 by scoeyd

Ever have one of those days/series of days, where it seems like you hear about the same thing from 10 different & totally unrelated sources? Me too. Last weeks accountability post was birthed out of a long series of interactions with people on the idea of ‘men’s ministry…’ something that has been about as attractive to me as playing in a Sani-Hut – I’ve not identified in the slightest with the Promise Keepers type man events… & the very thought of going to a stereotypical ‘men’s meeting’ has never appealed to me – & hasn’t been something that I’d want to be a part of.

I know that there are those that think, “Hey, you’re a pastor. You should (or at least your church should) have a Men’s Ministry.” I don’t agree – doing something just because its expected or because “this is what churches do” isn’t valid reasoning to me – if I didn’t believe in it, why would I fake it?

Yesterday, I was given a book by a friend – called Samson & The Pirate Monks. I ended up finishing it last night, & I would heartily recommend it to you – esp. if you’re a guy who hates (translation: isn’t “INTO” mens stuff.) I think what the author has created & is living out is do-able & even transferable from location to location… & sounds like something that I would want to go to, to prioritize, to evangelize about…

Friendship is a two-way street… It used to bug me when it seemed like I was carrying both sides of a relationship…. & it never occurred to me that if I was the only one calling, writing, trying to get together/keep in touch, that maybe, just maybe what we had wasn’t actual friendship. And when I came to that realization, rather than getting bugged or worked up, I had my epiphany & embraced it.

On that note, I’m ‘reminiscing’ about the Guy who came to our house for a College Group meeting… musta been about 5 years ago now. He came with his girl, & sat down at our kitchen table. He stood out because instead of facing the people in the room, he faced the wall. At least 3 people attempted to talk to him at various points in the meal, but its a hard thing to A) have a 1-way conversation, & B) to talk to someone who won’t look at you & is facing the wall. It was weird.

We moved from the kitchen to the living room, & the Guy, with his girl, left. Walked out. Hmm. More strange things afoot at the Circle K, but hey, there are all kinds of people in the world, & I just met one.

After the meeting, I checked my email, & lo & behold! I had received an email from the Guy. It was a long one; so long that I printed it out to be able to read the whole thing. He was writing to upbraid me & our clique of ‘so-called Christians’ – because he hadn’t been made to feel welcome. (Why it took 3 pages of vitriol & venom to say that, I don’t know, but it did.) It fired me up – because I saw what had happened that evening… normally, I would have just let it go, let it lie, but not this time. I wrote back a short response – & told him that I had a different perception of that evening, of the people in attendance, & also the responsibility that every single one of us has to ‘engage’ at some level.

Its a hard thing to watch.

I think that the christianity that I grew up on doesn’t reflect Biblical Christ-following, in that a large part of the emphasis has been on one’s “personal relationship with God through Jesus,” which has morphed into a “private” relationship with Jesus… as though we can work on & through a ‘relationship with God & Jesus” apart from interacting with people.

In actuality, my relationship with Christ is SHOWN by how I interact with others – how I treat my family. The way I value & show respect to others, even when (especially when?) they don’t agree with me. Its a farce to think that I can go read my Bible, pray, & then treat the humanity around me like crap, all the while thinking, “I’m growing as a christian.”

I think there’s a few posts in there.

My stomach hurts & I’m a little frustrated… or maybe disappointed. Not sure I can put a finger on it, or even if I need to.

restoration, baptism, & other musings…

Posted on March 2, 2009 by scoeyd

Yesterday our church family had a water baptism – within the larger church family our local church is a part of, water baptism is a celebration of the ‘new life’ that happens through Jesus Christ, & is an outward declaration of the inner-transformation taking place.

In the spring/summer, we use the river, & when its cold (meaning: winter) we use a local pool – NorthWest Pool is a fave. Family & friends are invited to be a part of the celebration – & for me, a highlight of the event is when each person being baptized gets an opportunity to share, out loud, WHY they’re choosing baptism, & the significance it has for them on this day.

Another favorite thing, if I’m one of the ‘dunkers’ (which I was yesterday,) is to pray a short prayer, a prayer of blessing over each person as soon as they come up out of the water – I like to freestyle – meaning: to pray what I hear in my heart – whatever gets stirred up by the Holy Spirit…

Yesterday, a series of Bible verses came up, over & over, all dealing with RESTORATION – just about every prayer – RESTORATION.

To me, its a reflection of God’s heart – the One who is gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, & rich in love. My mind is drawn to Joel 2, esp. verses 25-27 – where God promises His people that He will RESTORE to them what has been taken & lost – through their own choices, through atrocities & violations committed against them – God is the RESTORER; the One who makes all things new…

Something I’ve been learning over the last while is that working through grief over what has been lost isn’t a process that can be avoided or short-circuited. It can only be delayed… & from what I’ve experienced, un-mourned loss is like a credit card… it builds up, with compounding interest. And its easier to grieve something (& someone) in the here & now, than it is further down the road, separated by time & space from it.

I don’t want to dwell on loss & grief, but I’m not going to avoid it. Or deny it.

Actually, in the middle of the most bitter loss, the fiercest grief is one of the places I have sensed the deepest peace of God. And His comfort. The surety that He is with me, even in, especially at that time. And it doesn’t make the pain go away, but knowing He’s there is comforting.

So I’m holding onto restoration. On that note, here is a something that has been very personally significant to me on this:

What was lost in battle
What was taken unlawful
Where the enemy has planted his seed
And where health is ailin’
Where strength is failin’
I will restore to you all of this and more
I will restore to you all of this and more

CHORUS
I will restore, I will restore
I will restore to you all of this and more
I will restore, I will restore
I will restore to you all of this and more
I will restore to you all of this and more

Where your heart is breaking
And where dreams are forsaken
When it seems what was promised will not be given to you
And where peace is confusion
And reality an illusion
I will restore to you all of this and more

© w/m Richard Johnson

“I Will Restore”

quotable…

Posted on February 28, 2009 by scoeyd

I’ve been eagerly awaiting the release of U2’s newest album – & with a little help from my friend (thanks Dabey,) I was able to catch a listen to a couple more tracks… White As Snow & No Line On the Horizon…

I listened to the mp3’s while reading a ‘blog-review’ of White As Snow, which describes the song as one of the most unique, stripped down, & ‘intimate’ songs U2 has ever done… which is saying something. What really jumped out at me was a seemingly throwaway quote from Bono at the end of the review… He says:

Intimacy. It’s the new punk rock…

Hmmm.

pondering accountability & other thoughts…

Posted on February 26, 2009 by scoeyd

Maybe its the chili & cheese laced “Spicy Bite” from SEV, but I’m thinking deep thoughts, musing about days gone by, looking for answers & understanding…

Way back in the day when scoeyd was just a lad in high school, I went to a Summer camp where the speaker encouraged everybody to get an “accountability partner” – somebody that we knew that would ‘help us’ not to sin. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I figured that it was probably just me, & that later on in the cabin I’d be able to ask a counselor (back when calling somebody that didn’t suggest that they were a psychologist or anything – now they are called Cabin Leaders to avoid any confusion… as if…)

When I got back to the cabin, I asked a couple of friends if they knew what an accountability partner was. Nope. They’d heard of them before, but they, like me, had no clue. So together (there is strength in numbers) we went to one of our counselors, a guy that was probably 30 (ancient to me at that time,) & asked him if he knew what an “accountability partner” was?

He said something like,

“Yeah, dummies. Its a person more spiritual than you are that you tell your sins to. And all the stuff that tempts you. And then they ask you all the time if you’re doing those sins, & it keeps you from sinning because you don’t want to have to tell them about it…”

Hmm. That didn’t seem like something I wanted to do – for one it didn’t make sense to me; for another, why would I want to talk to somebody about something that personal & private if I didn’t know them? (And I was pretty sure I didn’t know any Spiritual people that I’d consider close enough to get that gut-level honest with.) So I filed the “accountability partner” suggestion in the mental drawer along with all the other christian instructions that I’d gotten til that point in life, the stuff I had no clue what to do with – my own mental X-Files, if you will.

Over time, I heard about accountability quite a bit more; that doesn’t mean I ever really understood it, & definitely didn’t have a clue how to be accountable, let alone “hold someone” accountable. Something just didn’t “click” for me – so I’d ask the person talking about accountability what they meant by it… what I heard (DISCLAIMER: remember this is me talking, processing, & wrestling through this, not making a definitive statements on my belief about “accountability” let alone God’s position on it…)

As described at large by well-meaning christians everywhere – Accountability:

is a forced & inauthentic relationship – not naturally developing

is one of those spiritual pursuits that one has to be forced into, for my own good

is something that puts responsibility for my thoughts, choices, & behaviors onto someone else – the person who is supposed to be “holding me” accountable – perhaps meaning that it’s not really my fault if I choose sin… if only they’d held me accountable better… ?

puts that person in a role of spiritual superior to me – kinda like my own personal assistant ~~to the~~ Holy Spirit

Hmmm.

Didn’t sound right. Doesn’t sound right. There’s got to be something more… something missing.

To me, some of the things that have been the most helpful to me in growing, developing, & maturing in my relationship with God are:

the realization that Jesus Christ has already done the hard work – & now I am responsible for me, my thoughts, choices, behaviors, & relationships – the good, the bad, the ugly. And I can’t (& shouldn’t try to) pass that responsibility on to anybody else.

the cultivation of authentic, connected, 2-way relationships – friendships – with people that accept me as I am, faults & strengths; that want to know me & to be known in return; that are humble, not self-righteous; that listen first, & then are willing to speak the truth to me in love… & hear it in return; that want to live as Christ-followers; are willing to be real & to own their own junk, (their own sinful nature, & propensity to wander…)

a willingness to learn from others – young & old; to be a life-long learner, even if I’m not in school; to cultivate curiosity & to seek out & follow rabbit trails in my studies… sometimes they’re divine rabbit trails… :)

to relentlessly, continuously, & without reservation keep at it.

Maybe in that, there is something of accountability – but its not formulaic or forced. It’s 2-way. It’s personally responsible. It’s growing. It’s graceful. It leaves room for error & failure, & is quick to forgive. It’s love, in action.

Hmmm. I am fortunate – when I look at my life, I see lots of people that know me, really know me, & that I know back, sometimes in differing degrees… And I feel rich, & know that I’m a better man, friend, husband, father, brother, & son because of them.

feeling a little bookish…

Posted on February 25, 2009 by scoeyd

I can feel it coming on… it usually starts with an awareness of something that I hadn’t seen before… & then I start seeing it everywhere. Awareness leads to interest, which leads to searching.. followed by discovery, immersion, & processing. This somehow, someway gets worked out in, through, & around my life. What am I talking about? I think I’d call it ‘learning.’ Something, somehow sparks an interest, a mental itch that gets scratched by the journey, the process of discovery, research, & thinking. One of the things that I’m excited about today it’s a collection of writings from the early Christian church called The Apostolic Fathers, Vol. 1. Ever since Den’s presentations on “The Historical Jesus,” I’ve been meaning to dig into the life of Polycarp – who was the disciple of John, who was the disciple of Jesus – & this book not only has the “Letter of Polycarp,” but also the account of his martyrdom at age 86.

I don’t know where this is headed, but I think that its towards a better understanding of the early church, dealings with & responses to gnostic thought & gnosticism, & identifying, understanding, & working through a re-emergent gnosticism within the Church today…

On that note, I would love to develop a library in my house – one with big, wide shelves that go all the way to the ceiling, made of real wood, something rich & dark, upon which I could organize my stuff… I see a comfy chair, the perfect reading lights (because of course the room is dark & cave-ish…) & a place to smoke my pipe in contemplation, ala C.S. Lewis J.R.R.R.R. Tolkien & even Sherlock Holmes… I ponder the obvious opportunity for thought that pipes give is enhanced by the beautiful smell of pipe tobacco. Not that theBean would ever let me smoke it in the house. But this is a bit of a fantasy, so in this situation, I’m not only in the house, but I’m not hiding. :)

Books are & always have been a happy place for me – offering a refuge from the urgency of life, an opportunity for growth, new thought; for the possibility of transformation of a life outlook. Sigh.

I’m in the market for another copy of “The Lord of The Rings” – as my last copy I left in Alex’s room in Gau Algesheim. It is a special thing to me, because it was a gift from my brother, Moe. My bags were 100% full, the book (a constant traveling companion) was well-worn, & Alex is a dear friend that I thought would appreciate that this wasn’t just me not having space & trying to pawn off things that were disposable… rather, the book itself is a symbol of love & friendship, adventure & hope, comfort in times of loneliness, a reminder of a different time. And, I know that I’ll be in Alex’s home again, wherever it will be, & I will read that copy of LOTR again. Oh yes, it shall be done.

And now for something completely different, completely irrelevant…

Friday musings…

Posted on February 20, 2009 by scoeyd

2 out of 3 of my kids, & 1 out of 1 of my wife enjoy coffee. As much as me? Nope. But they start the day with the Casi Cielo… It brings me joy. And it means that we’re starting the day with a couple of pots. And that I get to work through learning to share, all over again.

Seeing the sun emerging with no clouds looming over the mountains… now THAT is beautiful, even if its just the brown Nevada mountains. Makes one want to go for a run…

Baseball can’t come to Reno soon enough – I’ve been watching the construction of the Ace’s new stadium down on Lake & 2nd. When I take a lunch, I like to drive down & watch the workers going in & out of the ever-developing construction site/turned real-life baseball stadium… & think what it will be like to be going down there this spring & summer… with family & friends. It’s not that theBean is the world’s biggest baseball fan, but our trip to Virginia last August sparked an interest, as we got to check out the Salem Avalanche turned Salem Red Sox… being at the event, surrounded by people & interesting food really made for some fun.

I know Reno has had semi-pro baseball for the last few years, but trust me. This is different.

Perhaps I need to get my eyes checked – yesterday, after my meeting with Brintus Maximus, I was experiencing some, shall I say, distress of the lower tract. So, upon getting home, I went to the medicine cabinet & pulled out the generic Imodium – we don’t usually keep our meds in their original boxes because it takes too much room, so imagine if you will a stack of blister paks of meds.

About 60 minutes later, I was sitting at the office & couldn’t keep my eyes open… this was beyond fatigue. Beyond the morning blahs. This was passing out on my desk. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way… so I reached into my pocket to check & double-check the blister pak that the anti-diarrheal meds had been in. The generic drug name was all that was on the pack, so I had to do a GOOGLE search on it. Turns out Loperamide & Zolpidem look very, very similar while in the pak. And Zolpidem is a sleeping pill, which you’re supposed to take 1/4 of. And I took a whole one, which meant that about 8 hours of sleep was ‘encouraged,’ (mandated?) after taking it.

I napped for about 45 minutes, & tried to ‘white-knuckle’ it through the day. Called theBean. Separated, even banished, the sleeping pills to the nether regions of the meds cabinet. I’m fortunate, I know, to not have had more negative consequences & side-effects.

I’m wrestling through what ‘healing & restoration’ look like, worked through & lived out in the context of relationship. There seems to be some real issues with this within theChurch at large. For example, I listen to a podcast from a guy who leads a church (when I say big, I mean Texas Big, which is about 40-50% bigger than Nevada big. If you have questions on what Texas Big means, I would encourage you to talk to a Texan, or former Texan, for some clarification. :)

Anyway, in his podcast, this guy, pastor, christian leader, recommends that when people leave the church, (esp. when its been in conflict or difficulty, esp. when they’ve been in leadership,) that they not be re-integrated into the church &/or leadership when they come back – because they’ve ‘proven’ themselves to be untrustworthy already… And this isn’t an isolated incident, value or practice. And it leaves me asking…What?

How’s about Luke 15 & the return of the lost son? How about Peter being restored by Jesus a few short weeks after denying Him 3 separate times? It seems that theChurch may be at odds with the Head of the Church. And it seems that Jesus doesn’t seem to have a problem with seeing people repent, be forgiven, healed, & restored.

I know that it may not be instant, & that there’s process involved. And mercy. And good boundaries, with a willingness to work through issues that led to the break in relationship. But man. As I see it, writing people off permanently isn’t something that a Christ-follower has the ‘luxury’ of doing. And to do so, to be okay with it, seems to be adopting the ways of Egypt instead of living as people of promise (NOTE: I’m using EGYPT as a metaphor for Israel’s adopting the customs & culture of the land where they’d been enslaved for 430 years, not to speak negatively about the current country…)

So that’s what’s running through my head.

Julia & I have a bet – before she leaves, she drinks coffee & I eat some fish. I think that she is getting off easy in this one, as coffee is imminently better than fish, any fish. But I know that I won’t die, as I’ve taken the poison before, & survived.

Pretty stoked. For my personal Bible study/reading, I like to vary the translation that I read. Over time, I’ve gone through the KJV, NKJV, NIV, NRSV, NLT, The Message, & the CEV to name a few (all of which you can check out at: HERE… my friend Tim sent out a note asking a question about the ESV the other day, which prompted me, unrelatedly, to pick up a ‘Gift & Award Edition” of the ESV for my next go-round. Yesterday, it arrived in the mail. I’m as giddy as a school girl.

Time to go “Forrest Gump.”

Ciao!

scoey's conundrum

just a boy trying to figure it out on the fly…