Stopping to feel the feelings & other musings…

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Not long ago I had a conversation with a dear friend who was sharing about how different her life was since she began taking the time to “feel her feelings,” especially the unpleasant ones: frustration, helplessness, sadness, grief, anger, hatred, disappointment, & the like. So, instead of ignoring her feelings, minimizing them, making herself so busy she’d ‘forget’ about them, &/or stuffing them in one of the seldom-visited compartments that exist in our minds, she (with the help of the healing of the Holy Spirit) began to feel them. To really experience, reflect upon, & invite God into the waterfall of her feelings & emotional responses to those feelings. Her verdict?

Feeling feelings is hard. A lot of the time it hurts. The feeling/reflecting/responding can lead to difficult & painful conclusions about the state of our lives & the relationships we’re in. They alert us that something needs to be worked through, acknowledged, addressed, &/or processed – activities that hold a promise of pain in the same way cleaning gravel out of a scraped knee does.

I know what she means. The first quarter century of my life I was “feelings challenged” – I didn’t know how to feel the negative feelings, let alone how to process through them. So they were ignored.

The problem is that the unresolved mess floated in my subconscious like a program running in the background of my brain, & whenever a situation would arise that remotely reminded me of any of those weak & negative feelings, I’d have a mini-meltdown. That looked like an outburst of anger, crying for “no reason,” depression, &/or the hopelessness of not knowing how to deal with myself or to make a change.

God provided an outlet of sorts… but it wasn’t like I asked Him to “search my heart” in order to heal & transform me. I prayed vague prayers, read my Bible, did church stuff. A lot of church stuff. Looking back, it was like keeping Him at arms length while asking for a miraculous work that would change my issues in a moment, when what was needed was a walk with Him through the difficulty, the darkness, the proverbial “valley of the shadow of death,” so that the underlying problems, areas of hurt & wounding, places of brokenness & pain could be healed.

The story of God’s work in this area of my life is a long one – & it’s not something I’m going to write about today. However, I do want to highlight one element that ended up playing a big role in this journey for me – reading through the Psalms.

For as long as I can remember, I have read the Psalms everyday – I’m a creature of habit, & my “habit” involved a plan that would take me through all 150 Psalms every month. (You take the day of the month – for example, today is the 6th, & you’d read Psalm 6, add 30 & read Psalm 36, add 30 & read Psalm 66 & so on.) The Psalms provided a back entrance into the conundrum of my feelings – because they are written RAW. The Psalmist (mostly David) pulls no punches in articulating to God EXACTLY what he’s feeling. And what ended up striking me as so odd was that God could HANDLE whatever David threw at Him. Nothing fazed God, even when David was angry, disappointed, frustrated, &/or feeling abandoned by Him. And as David processed through the Psalms, his own heart changed even if his circumstances didn’t. He started seeing himself & his life situations, as hard as they often were, as being firmly in the center of God’s hands. And by “feeling his feelings,” David got a perspective on those feelings that allowed him to keep moving forward as a “man after God’s own heart.” For some examples of David letting it all out, check out these PSALMS

David’s example has been a path for me over the last 15 years. And I’m thankful that God can “take” me when I’m at my very worst – He knows the depths of my heart – He loves me. And is healing me.

A birthday remembered & other musings on a Tuesday…

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Johnny 1988Today would be my brother Johnny’s 40th birthday. 40. How time has flown since I last saw him at 17 & death separated us for a breath as long as the rest of my lifetime here on the earth. The picture you see is his sophomore class pic from Carson High, 1988. He took my red-bow tie for the day – my PeeWee Herman costume bow-tie. And he rocked it, as usual, with a sense of style that would have made Elvis Presley jealous.

I’ve been celebrating Johnny’s life in a special way today – through the music he loved. Johnny was one of the first people I knew to create mix-tapes (remember, this was the 80s). He painstakingly would take tracks off of CD’s & other audio tapes, & put them on his own high quality audio tapes for me, then create a custom playlist to serve as the tape/CD liner so I would know what was coming. I took it for granted that this is normal – this is just what one does with ones free time.

Thank the Lord for Spotify – Johnny would have loved it. All the joy of a mixtape at the click of a keyboard. I recreated several of the playlists he made for me with his favorite artists to serve as a soundtrack for the otherwise mundane activities of my day.

It’s amazing to me how music, a song has the power to stir memory – to vividly recall glimpses, faces, events, & remembrances from long ago. More than once I found myself wishing for windshield wipers on my eyes so I could see my computer screen – only to hit “repeat’ on a song because of the sweetness of the memory attached to it.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. And at the same time, this wound is not infected. I know my brother is experiencing the presence of God in a way that is my own hope & dream. And at the same time, there is a family here that is like a tree with a missing limb – a tree that has recovered, but that is forever scarred by the loss of a vital branch.

Though he’s been gone for almost 23 years, I see Johnny everywhere. I look at my family of origin – my parents – still loving Jesus & each other, committed for the long term to be people who intentionally look for the dancing after the mourning, to be living life fully in the here & now, with a firm grasp that this Here & Now is but a glimpse of the Real Life that is to come.

Joel (Moe) is married to Jenny – with 2 great little ones (both boys) under the age of 4 – T-Bone & TyBone (my names for them that I only whisper because they have real life grown up man names that will fit them well when they step into adulthood.) So proud of Moe & his fam – & the compassionate excellence with which he/they live their lives. Moe is world class in his work, but even moreso as a man.

Ben (Benny, CTC) is married to Jessica – & has 3 little ones (2 girls & a boy) under the age of 6. The kids reflect their parents’ joie d’vivre, & Ben reminds me of Johnny’s funny side – a side that often manifested with wit & with a discontent for the status quo (if that makes sense.) Proud of Ben & the fam. Happy that their pursuing their dreams.

MytheBean & I dated for about 6 months before Johnny was diagnosed with cancer – so she knew him well, both before & after, something I appreciate more with the passing of time as she holds me in the times when tears overwhelm & laughs with me other times of recalling the LIFE with which he lived. The gentle, humble, fierce strength which which you live each day, mytheBean, is a reminder of how fortunate I am that Jedi mind tricks work & you committed yourself to me so many years ago.

Then there’s my kids. Pasty, (actually his uncle’s namesake,) one of the whitest kids you’ll ever see, with the rosiest cheeks in the world. Sometimes just looking at his resemblance to my brother catches my breath. My Pasty.

iDoey – no longer a kid, now a man. His personality & “Never give up, never surrender” attitude, determination, & fierce loyalty most closely mirrors that of the uncle he never knew. Time & time again, theBean has asked me how I can so accurately predict what iDoey will say/do/respond in a certain situation, & I have to answer – “I grew up with this.” And I smile.

TheWeez – Johnny would have been amazed that I could have such a beautiful daughter & would most definitely (& correctly) have attributed it to her mother. He would have doted on theWeez – & I see him in her eyes when they flash, & when she speaks her mind, standing for truth, justice, mercy & life in her interactions with the world.

Something else that stands out to me is that running through our family is a trait of perseverance, hard work, a “never give up” push in the face of adversity, no matter what. We have what Eugene Peterson refers to as the “ability to engage in a long obedience in the same direction.” I have to believe it goes beyond human genetics & is a part of the spiritual DNA passed down to us from generation to generation of Christ-followers, that we would be people who, in spite of our many failings, human frailty, & other weaknesses, carry a relentless commitment to love Christ & love others. The longer I live on this planet & the more I experience the temporal nature of this life & the fleeting, often unpredictable nature of human relationships, the more I appreciate this & desire to embrace it as a part of my own character & hopefully, what is left in the wake of my life.

Happy birthday Johnny – see you soonish. Save me a spot at the dinner table. I get the corner.

The 1st full week of the New Year & other stuff… A short post to get back in the swing of things…

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Yesterday was theWeez’s 16th birthday – it was a Sunday (Pancake Sunday at that) which meant church, good eats, & then a trip out on the town for her with her mom for girl time, manicures, & shopping. I wouldn’t understand, so I just watched football.

Birthday dinner was at Grimaldi’s next to Scheel’s. If you haven’t eaten there yet, & you like Brooklyn style, coal oven-fired pizza made right in front of your eyes, you should give it a run. Tuesdays they have a bunch of specials too…

TheWeez scheduled her own appointment for her Nevada Drivers Test – its on like the proverbial Donkey Kong for Wednesday afternoon. I have no doubt she will pass – she’s a great driver. Currently, I’m contemplating purchasing a pair of driving gloves, a “driving scarf’, & some white Vuarnet’s for theWeez to wear for her test. I figured good taste could make a positive impression. TheBean believes that my encouragement to theWeez to quote appropriate phrases from our favorite movies during the test could be a mistake – tell me, how could, “I feel the need… the need for speed!” or “Kick the tires & light the fires, Big Daddy!” be a mistake? TheBean’s contention is that the driving instructor she gets may not have a sense of humor. Hmmm. She may be right.

With theWeez’s birthday having come & gone, we now have a 21 year old (the Pasty Gangster), an 18 year old (iDoey), & a 16 year old (theWeez). Goodness. 2013 is a big year in the numbers game for us. I have to say that looking through pictures from just a few years ago shows a very different looking clan… a bunch of kids really. Now they are Big People Humans. And I am proud of them.

I’m here, She’s baaaack… & a few other thoughts from a long absent me…

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I’ve not been here for a while… there are several drafts that I’ve written over the last 3 months that never quite made it to posting status. What happened to me was the second to last class for the completion of my Masters degree from the LPC.. which class was it, you ask? Leadership Ethics in the Old Testament, taught by one of the best professors I’ve ever had, The Good Dr. J.W.A. … & most demanding. Free time? There was no free time. I found myself putting in 20-25 hours a week on the class just to keep my head above water. (Previous classes had been between 8-12 hours/week. Yikes). Now, I’m 6 weeks into my last class – 2 weeks of coursework left, then a final project that, God-willing, will be approved, fully undertaken, & completed by April 1. No fooling.

We had wind. It blew. Everything.

The weather channel said our gusts were 20-30 mph. All of the garbage cans in the neighborhood challenge the veracity of that estimation, as at least 7 of them were picked up & thrown down the street, gathering on the corner for some garbage can pow-wow. I saw the gathering of the cans & grabbed mine & my neighbors (hey, I’m a giver,) & trekked the 1/4 mile back up the hill towards our house. About an hour later, a neighbor I didn’t recognize (he said he was my neighbor – from a few houses down) & came looking for his garbage can. He saw my can & said “That looks a lot like mine.”

To which I replied, “Yep. Except it has my address on it.”

He didn’t seem convinced, but instead looked longingly at it & asked me again, “Are you sure?”

“Yep. Pretty sure.”

“Ok,” & he departed.

MINE.

I went outside about an hour later & the trashcan was gone. As in, nowhere to be found. I drove up & down the street like a creeper, going about 5 mph gazing intently at each house in the ‘hood, eagerly searching the nooks, crannies, apses, & other spots for my trashcan. Nothing. Me & iDoey went out a few more times over the next few days, but to no avail.

My trashcan. Stolen. I contacted waste management about getting a new can, & then yesterday as a part of the speech, I bemoaned the fact we live in a world where peoples’ trashcans are prone to being unscrupulously lifted. Sigh.

And then, this morning on the way to take theWeez to school, theBean found her. My trashcan.

It was across the street from our house, about 100 yards down the street, butted up against the curb all nice & pretty (or as pretty as a refuse container can be.) She called me, & I went & got my can. On the way home, I sang an impromptu version of “My Little Trashcan” to the tune of “My Little Buttercup” (from the classic Martin/Short/Chase movie, The Three Amigos – if you click the link, the JOY starts at about 3:20 of the clip.) I think my next door neighbor Vladmir enjoyed it.

December 1 annually marks the day when I finally relent to the wishes of the girls hopes & dreams of constant Christmas music. Found a couple of new sources for these holidays, including Sufjan Stevens “Silver & Gold” which is a collection of 58 songs played & sung like you have never heard them before. Also, I’m enjoying the Brian Setzer Orchestra’s take on a few of the more recognizable holiday standards, especially “Angels We Have Heard On High.” Check ’em out.

I would like a banjo. Like THIS ONE. For Christmas. I cannot currently PLAY the banjo, but if I HAD a banjo, it would be that much easier for me to LEARN. It could happen.

Here’s to Christmas. Joy. Peace. And growing in Jesus.

“Come to MY house!!!”

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During the workday, one of my favorite activities is the “Field Trip.” My field trips consist of a walk-through our preschool. I love the opportunity to interact with the 2-5 year olds, to listen to them talk about what they believe is important, & to break my own day up with something that really matters.

Today, I went into a classroom & saw my little friend Noah – I’m going to his house for dinner soon, so I told him I was coming to his house. His brow furrowed… & he declared, “YOU are NOT coming to my house. My MOM & my DAD are coming to me house!”

Oops. He was ticked.

I told him, “Noah – your mommy & daddy ASKED me to come over. Its ok.” He was not convinced.

Out of nowhere, another little 4 year old guy started yelling, “Come to MY house! Come to MY house!” I told him, “I didn’t get invited to your house, but thank you.”

He shouted, “No! Come to MY house! I only have a mommy. I don’t have a daddy. You can come to MY house! Please!?”

I gave him a big hug & we talked about lunch. And bugs. And dinosaurs. And gummy worms. He went back to play. I went to my office & wept.

Through the Gospels – Matthew 5

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“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp & put it under a basket, but on a stand, & it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works & give glory to you Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16, English Standard Version

As I was reading Matthew 5 this morning, several “light-related” thoughts came to mind.

    -The first recorded words spoken by God in Genesis are “Let there be light…” (Genesis 1:3, ESV) This creative declaration spoke into being the beginning point for the life that would soon fill the earth & the sea.
    -One of my earliest memories is being in a car driving down the Mt. Rose highway from Tahoe’s North Shore, heading down the twisty, curvy mountain road, with the destination being HOME (which in my case was & is Reno.) I can still feel the feeling of joy & anticipation that rose up in me as we made the final turn in the dark that revealed the lights of the Greater Reno/Sparks Metropolitan area… several thoughts hit all at once. “Home!” “People!” And “Life!” (I may have had worries that one day the world (or at least my city) would end while I was away & I wouldn’t know about it until we drove home…) Bottom line, I equated the LIGHTS with LIFE.
    –Vincent Van Gogh, the famous Dutch painter, had at one time been a Protestant minister – he was fired by his ministerial superiors for undermining the dignity of the priesthood, a charge that stemmed from his missional attempts to meet the physical as well as spiritual needs of impoverished peoples. One of my favorite paintings is Starry Night; one of the most striking features of the painting is also one of the most subtle. The painting depicts a “Starry Night” with a sprawling village laid out beneath it. Lights, (representing LIFE) fill almost every home and building… except for the church in the lower middle of the canvas. No lights to be found. And from his experience, no LIFE.

We are the light of the world because we have the LIFE that Christ has given, represented by the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit. We are the light because Jesus was the light first (John 8:12), & we’re following in His footsteps, reflecting Him. The Matthew 5:14-16 passage declares that the light is meant to shine; a lamp isn’t lit to be covered, but to be placed where it can bring light to the dark areas. Since we are the light of the world, we are to LET our light SHINE – not hide it, minimize or cover it. To me, this is a declaration that if I live following after Jesus & loving God & people, & following Him, my light WILL shine; I would have to take specific measures to keep the light from being seen.

And that is the purpose of shining the light – so people can see. Light means, “There is LIFE here.” It draws people towards it. And worked out in our every day lives, it brings glory to God the Father.

LORD, let Your light shine in & through me today. Bring life to me & to others in Jesus Name, for Your glory.

Through the Gospels – Matthew 4

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SOAP – Through the Gospels
Matthew 4

Matthew 4:1,2 Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after fasting forty days & forty nights, He was hungry.

Immediately after Jesus’ baptism, the Holy Spirit descended upon Him, & led Him into the wilderness for 40 days of fasting…AND to be tempted by the devil. He was LED to the confrontation & temptation by the Spirit of God. And He took on every temptation the devil could throw His way after 40 days (& nights!) of going without food.

Sometimes in reading through the gospels, I almost forget that Jesus was a man… fully God, yes, the Word Incarnate (John 1:1)… At the same time, paradoxically, He was at the same time 100% human – a man: flesh & blood –just like the rest of us (Hebrews 4:15). It’s easier for me to remember the God part; maybe its because of the miracles, maybe it’s the distance of 2000+ years, maybe its because its hard for me to see myself doing what we see Jesus doing in the gospels. Especially here.

That’s why it is significant to me to see that Jesus didn’t address the devil (the adversary, the accuser) in Christ’s exalted glory (see Revelation 1 for a description). Instead, He stood His ground as a man, firmly rooted in the rightly applied Word of God, answering satan’s every temptation & twist of Scripture with an appropriate & powerful response: “It is written…”

Where Adam had failed to withstand his test of temptation in the Garden of Eden, the 2nd Adam (Christ) came through His test with flying colors (Romans 5:12-21) – & He did it in a way that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US could do – submitted to God, led by the Holy Spirit, firmly grounded in Scripture. And after 40 days of constant, directed, oh-so-tempting temptation, satan was stymied & had no choice but to leave (James 4:6,7). Christ didn’t play the “God” card – He stood as one of “us” – a human being, filled with & led by the Holy Spirit- & He won, thereby paving OUR pathway to a God-following life.

LORD – I pray You fill me with Your Holy Spirit – & make my heart humble, so I can & will be directed & led by Your Spirit – wherever You want me to go, whatever You want me to do. Write Your Word on my heart; may it live there & grow fruitful, transforming my heart & mind to be like Yours. Thank You that You will give me everything I need to obey & follow You.

The LORD is my shepherd… & I’m discontent?

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The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. Psalm 23:1

I was reading over Psalm 23 this morning… it’s familiar. I memorized it when I was small.

I know that its good to know scripture – at the same time, I have found that I have to make sure not to just know it in my head but to also let it sink to my heart.

There’s a difference.

If it’s in my head, I can recall it, remember it, think about it. And then when I’m done & off to the next thought, the Scripture goes back into the file in my head & is put away in its virtual filing cabinet until the next time I come across it.

If it’s in my heart, I live it. It affects me at the deepest level of my being. It becomes like a handy-dandy smart phone app, perhaps invisible but still actively running below the surface, having a definite influence.

Back to Psalm 23 – The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

David wrote it – he got it at a gut level – he had been a shepherd, & he knew intimately of the similarities between what he had done, & what God did with him on a daily basis. So David’s declaration of The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want, is a faith statement – rooted in thankfulness – contentment. There was nothing that God had not, did not, would not make sure that David would get if he was in need. And from his self-assessment, he wasn’t lacking anything.

This hit me hard. The LORD is MY shepherd. He is the One who cares & provides for, protects, directs, instructs, heals, & feeds – ME. But when I read the second part after the ; the I shall not want, I realized there were/are areas in me where the ugly stuff resides – rather that being able to see where God is shepherding me well, & that I am not in lack, want, or need – instead, my soul is striving; discontent; frustrated; needy; ungrateful; blind to God’s faithful & miraculous care for me.

Ouch. All that, revealed in a moment.

I know Psalm 23. But is it in my heart today? I repent. Reorient. Return. Ask my shepherd to pick the thorns & stickers from my soul.

Right now I intentionally choose thankfulness. Contentment. Gratefulness. Awareness of God’s work in & around me & mine.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. And I mean it.

PS – If you haven’t already, check out Margaret Feinberg’s Scouting the Divine – her investigative exploration of a real life shepherd, bee keeper, and vintner (wine maker) offer profound insights into three of the more prominent images/metaphors used in Scripture. The book (and the stories contained within) have transformed my understanding of some very familiar Scripture. You can also watch Margaret HERE presenting on the topic at the 2012 Foursquare Convention a few weeks back.

Through the Gospels – Matthew 3

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SOAP – Through the Gospels
Matthew 3

S – SCRIPTURE
Matthew 3:1,2;5-8 – In those days, John the Baptist came preaching in the wilderness of Judea, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand…” Then Jerusalem & all Judea & all the region about the region were going out to him, & they were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins. But when he saw many of the Pharisees & Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance…”

O – OBSERVATION
Repentance is a heart-level, life-transforming response; it is a change of heart & mind that leads to a change of direction & action. John called people to REPENT because the kingdom of heaven was at hand, & that fact changed everything. People from all over, convicted of their sin & challenged in their heart, submitted themselves to the declarative & symbolic act of water baptism as a sign of a changed heart & life – it was a visible sign of their desire to be prepared for the advent of the kingdom of God.

But repentance wasn’t (& isn’t) just about the act of being baptized; true repentance will bear fruit, will show evidence of that changed heart, mind, & life – the proof of repentance is seen in the days, weeks, & months that follow, as the new life springs up & reveals itself.

A – APPLICATION
John’s challenge to the religious leaders of his day, (& to us reading this 2000+ years later) is to persevere in repentance, & not merely go through the outward motions of a religious experience. To be fundamentally shifted from my road to Christ’s. To live life, make decisions, establish priorities, & invest oneself in a manner that is congruent with a life of repentance; to not grow weary at doing good, but to persevere through difficulty & opposition so we may see the work of the Holy Spirit, righteousness & life, established in us. (Galatians 6:7-10).

P – PRAYER
LORD – make me sensitive to Your Spirit – that I would be quick to repent, to turn, to change my mind to align with Yours. Make my heart simple & soft. And may the seeds of repentance & faith grow in my heart & mind, translated to action & a life that makes You famous.

Through The Gospels – Matthew 2

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SOAP – Through the Gospels
Matthew 2

S – SCRIPTURE
Matthew 2:19-23 – But when Herod died, behold, an angel of the LORD appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt, saying, “Rise, take the child & His mother & go to the land of Israel, for those who sought the child’s life are dead.” And he rose & took the child & His moth & went to the land of Israel. But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning over Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there, & being warned in a dream he withdrew to the district of Galilee. And he went & lived in a city called Nazareth, that what was spoken by the prophets might be fulfilled: “He shall be called a Nazarene.”

O –OBSERVATION
It jumps out at me that Matthew 2 has at least 4 fulfillments of prophecy:

    • 2:6 – Christ, the Anointed One, Son of God would come from Bethlehem of Judah – Micah 5:2
    • 2:15 – Christ, Son of God, would come out of Egypt – Hosea 11:1
    • 2:16-18 – All the male children in the region of Bethlehem would be killed – Jeremiah 31:15
    • 2:23 – Christ would be called a Nazarene –

It seems a little surreal to see that the miraculous, tragic, & even everyday events recorded in Matthew 2 can be directly tied to the fulfillment of a prophetic foretelling, each of which played a part in identifying Jesus as the Christ, & the accomplishment of the God’s plan for the redemption of humanity. For example, Joseph had a dream warning him to head to Egypt, & no sooner does the new family hit the road than the executioner’s sword falls on the region where they lived. Then, in another dream, the family gets the ok to go back to Judea; however, out of fear, Joseph decides to avoid Bethlehem (prophesied birthplace of the Christ) & head to one of the most despised cities in the region: Nazareth (check out John 1:43-51.) God’s plan revealed & fulfilled in human choices, guided by emotion, reason, & an instinct for survival.

A – APPLICATION
I bet the fulfillment of prophecy was the last thing on Joseph & Mary’s minds as they ran for their lives, lived as refugees, & attempted to dodge assassins – they were just making heaven-informed choices on a day-to-day basis, looking to stay alive & keep the family together & whole. And in the middle of it, God’s purposes were worked out. Herod’s megalomania, striving for power, and paranoia all played into creating the panorama in which Matthew 2 unfolds. The absolute craziness of the scenes in this chapter give me great encouragement that God is Sovereign & in control, even in the chaos & craziness of my own life. He has, is, & will continue to “work all things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose” for those that love Him (Romans 8:26-30, ESV).

P – PRAYER
LORD – let my life be an offering to You. May my ears be open & my heart soft & able to be directed. Guide me in Your paths of righteousness; & when I’m walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I thank You in advance for being with me. Increase my faith, LORD, that I would not just walk & live by what I see, but by faith in the Sure Thing that is You.