Tag Archives: limits

I am a seed, embracing limits, & other musings…

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I find myself doing more pondering than I used to do, even a few short months ago… not sure if its solely the lag & slowly-but-surely attempt to re-engage the motor that always happens for me coming back from a long trip as I work through the physical, mental, & emotional costs of said trip, no matter how enjoyable or productive it may have been.

Work is different & the rhythms I’d grown used to (fallen into) over the last few years have been shaken up with a (virtual) head-shaking, sinus-clearing whiff of smelling salts brought on by change. Instead of just jumping back into the known & the familiar, I find myself stopping & observing, thinking on & through, & leaning more & more on my foundations for encouragement & possibly, for some directions as I go forward into December & toward the brink of 2024.

Jerry Cook used to say, “If you don’t know what you’re DOING, limit your activities. And if you don’t know what to SAY, limit your words.”  And so in these days I’m finding myself choosing (rather than begrudgingly complaining my way to & through) to embrace those limits of NOT knowing, surely, confidently, what to do. To say.

It’s not apathy. Nor inertia. It has the feel of a ‘gathering of self’ kinda like you’d do before you’d JUMP or SPRING towards something. (I’m picturing Mario C Champagne, a childhood cat much loved by all, getting ready to pounce. And pounce he did. But he could also linger. But I digress.)  i occasionally feel pressure (probably from firstborn, formerly Type A me) to DO something, to JUMP in & lead loud & fast & confidently towards… something. But what I have is nothing concrete, merely the subtle encouragements, a sense of being drawn towards/by the things/person I know & trust… to keep taking the steps in front of me that need to be taken. To lean on myBean & also on my Savior, trusting that I need both to encourage & remind me of things spoken to me long ago, things that are in process of being worked through now.

Sitting at my desk, looking out the window. Melancholy? Peace?

And I’m hit with this: I am a seed, (with the lyrics too.) Haven’t thought of that song in a minute (or a decade.) And yet… I am a seed. SOMETHING is definitely happening, but there’s not much ACTIVITY happening. Like a seed. In the ground. Waiting for the shaking off of the old form, the kernel that’s held me for so long, waiting for roots to sprout DOWN & for life to spring UP. Knowing I can’t make it happen by wanting, as the process isn’t mine to force. I’m on the timeline of Another; the Gardener who planted me knows His times & His seasons. And He knows not only WHEN the shaking/breaking will begin (emerge?) but also WHAT will come forward. And, like the fruit/plant/green that doesn’t even remotely resemble the seed it came from, that which is coming (probably) won’t look like the seed did… but it will be GOOD. And then the activities, the words, will be more evident.

This is the way. Walk in it. These are the words. Speak them.

Deutschland 2023 – Day #3 – We call it “Friday…”

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It was a super late night, & we were very tired but still didn’t get to bed until about 1 am (!) We slept in til about 9:30, & theBean & I woke up to the smell of good German kaffee delivered through a french press. TheBean & Julia worked together in the kitchen to craft a mashup of German/American breakfasts: scrambie eggs, bacon, good German bread; cucumbers; salami & cheese. And we laughed. So much. 

With the crush & press of activity that is coming, & out of a desire to relish our time with our Julia, Friday was very much a Sabbath rest day for us. We hung out at her house & talked, sat on the couches & read our books or magazines, then broke into spontaneous conversations, then read some more. Finally we decided there were a couple (few?) things we wanted to do (like plan dinner) so we got ready & headed out to a specialty store for some desserts & then to the grocery store to buy supplies for dinner. 

We bought 3 desserts to share – a black forest cake, chocolate cream cake, & sour cherry pie. These were glorious, esp. because German (most European desserts actually) aren’t overly loaded down with sugar & aren’t sweet-sweet. They’re tasty & subtle & you can taste the chocolate, the chocolate cream, the body of the cakes, the cherries, the subtleties of the flavors in a special way that doesn’t flood your body with sugar & cloying sweetness. I don’t eat dessert at home for that reason, but I readily jumped in to the ‘sampling party.’

The girls decided that they wanted to try to make a version of theBean’s white chicken chili soup, which is WAY more daunting than it sounds. One doesn’t just purchase American style food supplies at a German grocery store, often because the foods/staples we have/use are not available (or in some cases, not legal because of additives, chemicals, etc) here. So, in true theBean style, she improvised. Her white chicken chili soup turned into white bean & beef/pork/Italian sausage & greenish chiles soup. (BTW, theBean doesn’t agree with my naming of the soup, but this is my account of reality, so there’s that.) It was significantly different from her normal creation, but it was good. We turned on the music (theBean’s “Joanne” playlist from Spotify) & ate & laughed. 

We turned our attention back to the desserts, (yes, btw, desserts were harmed & significantly diminished during the making of our dinner. But we’re adults, so forks out!)  After dinner was clean up time & then we resumed our spots on the couch for more talks until it was time for bed. As Saturday afternoon & evening are spoken for (coffee & dinner with Julia’s parents & family), we wanted to get another good night’s sleep, then have a good breakfast in the morning & hopefully do a load of wash before we head to the Foursquare LIVE pastors’ conference.

I think (know?) the most difficult parts of this trip are ‘the limits.’ We are limited in our time/availability & there are many, many dear friends here in different parts of Germany that we won’t be able to connect with, not out of a lack of desire to do so, but because we are ‘limited.’ (I much prefer the idea/reality of ‘limits’ vs. ‘busyness.’ ) Everything we have said “YES” to for this trip, requires a very difficult “NO” somewhere. That goes for ALL of us, in ALL of our lives; some of our greatest struggles in life/in our schedules come from us ignoring the reality that we have limits on our time, energy, resources, etc, & we run ourselves ragged attempting to have it all, do it all, see it all, accomplish it all, often with destructive or even tragic consequences for our physical, emotional, spiritual, & relational health & well-being. 

I’m thankful for the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality lessons we’ve learned over the years, esp. when it comes to “Embracing God’s Gift of Limits.” It allows us to be fully present where we are & to acknowledge we CANNOT do everything we’d like to do… & embracing our limits, to me, equals embracing the fact that we’re human BEINGS not humans DOING. In a perfect world, we’d be able to be here for 6 weeks (or more?!) & be with each & every one of our dear friends in Frankfurt & beyond… into Poland… & Austria… &… you get the picture. 

To all of our dear friends in Germany & beyond – you are deeply loved, & we hope to be able to see & hug you again very soon. 

The pictures below are our desserts & a random shot out the window as we drove next to some beautiful vineyards (trust me! They are really there.) 

It was a beautiful day. We call it “Friday.” And now sleep.

Day 19 – Still no voice & other musings…

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And now it’s December. Had to look at the calendar to double check… it is day 19 of this “sickness.” I say sickness in ” ” because, to quote James Brown, “I feel good!” But. I still do not have a voice. It’s like every other aspect of my body & health has bounced back to approaching normal levelsI except for the voice. Don’t get me wrong – it has improved a teensy bit… but it still sounds like I’ve been chain-smoking cigars with Arnold.

And so I’m still in the middle of this. Trying to use this longer-than-I’d-like process to embrace one of the many limitations that comes with being a human being. Limits aren’t something that are easily acknowledged, especially within the church which seems so fond of  {misquoting/misapplying} “I can do ALL THINGS through Him (Christ) who gives me strength”

For me – embracing the limits on my life right now = taking time to rest when I feel like it. Not pushing it with my voice. Being silent & quiet (not the easiest thing in the world, even for an introvert.) Giving thanks to God for the good I’m experiencing. For my overall health & my dear friends that are so encouraging, life-giving, & supportive, not just in this time of ‘weakness,’ but when life is grand.

And still… I’d like to be able to sing. Because I sing all the time, whether if its for private worship, practicing/learning songs, or just belting out my karaoke standards to serenade myBean, my grandkids, or my nieces (what 13 & 15 year old girls DON’T want their beloved uncle to sing 80s songs to them? I mean, c’mom man.)

Even with a bum voice last Sunday, I was able to do the speech/message for church. We’ve been working through 1 & 2 Peter for the last 3 months, which is something I envisioned doing while out on sabbatical this last Summer. In prep for the 1 & 2 Peter studies I must have read through both letters at least 3 times a week (maybe 35 times each?) & I’ve been so excited every week to tackle & explore this material within the context of our Hillside community. And yet…

This week we’ll be in 2Peter 2…  which, in my opinion, really has to be taken as a whole chapter, all at once. Which is a lot.

Somewhere in the reading & re-reading I missed the main thrust of that chapter is about the surety of God’s just judgment upon false teachers (those who misapply, misuse, & manipulate the Scriptures for their own gain/for the exploitation & entrapment of people) as well as God’s predictable goodness in ultimately saving/rescuing/preserving His people (those who live for Him/who are bothered by the actions of the bad guys.

As I’ve been sitting with the Scriptures & wrestling through an outline, I’ve been struck by the fact that it is very possible to curate (sift through, pull together, & carefully select certain materials) Scripture in such a way that a person attending church listening to 52 speeches a year never encounters a less-than encouraging, uplifting, “isn’t God sooooo good?” selection from the Bible. To me, 2Peter 2 — while ultimately aiming to illustrate God’s faithfulness & the fact that no one will get away with being a bad actor — is a hard passage of Scripture. It’s tough. It’s got judgment & harsh words throughout. And yet, its completely consistent & in-line with the character & nature of God as portrayed in the rest of the Scriptures. And ultimately, it is good news. Maybe not for the charlatans, the liars, the twisters & perverters of God’s teachings, those that mislead others – but it is good news & a faithful reminder of a truth found in Galatians 6:7,8 – Don’t be deceived: God WILL NOT be mocked. Whatever a person sows, they will reap.

It’s a reminder & testimony to me that we do matters. Esp. if we’re entrusted with leading, shaping, & teaching people in God’s Name.

Day 8 – home sick before Thanksgiving

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Today marks day 8 of me being home sick… it’s never gotten terrible, & at the same time I’ve not gotten significantly well enough to actually try to work from home (at least until today.) As a by-product of this unforeseen down time, I’ve been reflecting on several topics, including:

  • This Summer’s sabbatical; 
  • Things I take for granted (until I don’t have them/have access to them); 
  • The value of work & purpose in everyday life;
  • How everything has a time or a season; 
  • God’s “gift” of limits

I decided to write about the limits I’m currently navigating.

Today, I’m experiencing limits with:

  • MY ENERGY. I ain’t got none. I’ve been averaging 2 naps, minimum a day (with gusts up to 4) but the energy level has remained in the “yellow” at best, but mostly in the “red.” (The fact that I have energy to think & focus & write THIS is a good sign).
  • MY APPETITE: I ain’t hungry, & nothing sounds appetizing. 
  • MY VOICE: I ain’t gone one, it is a labor to try to speak at a volume that can be heard by others (& it inevitable ends up in a cough from exertion anyway)
  • MY HEALTH (aka my ability to get better); I’m doing all I can, all I know to do to get better. I’ve got a plethora of friends praying for a boost to my health. 
  • MY LOCATION: I am ‘stuck” at the house for at least the next 2 days while the new HVAC units are being installed; 

I’m sure there’s more, but I just wanted to illustrate a few of them. And not in a complaining way; in a ‘reality’ way… this is true for me now, & there’s nothing I can do to overcome them. I can’t be victorious; I can’t push beyond them without potentially severe consequences; this is me through at least tomorrow. 

The rest & rhythm muscles I developed this Summer on Sabbatical are showing themselves to be helpful in this. Being content (not thrilled, but ok) with being stuck in a spot I’d not choose to be, doing what I’d rather not do, for a time longer than I want to… I can either complain about it & waste the time I have home to rest, or I can embrace it as the current season of my life… a season that I’m hoping & praying will be a quick one, followed post-haste with good health & normal.  I can’t change anything by complaining or worrying, & I won’t get well any quicker by trying to push into physical reserves that aren’t there.

So I’m thinking thoughts, letting them wander a bit. Watching the USA World Cup game against Wales. Reviewing my notes for last week’s message (which will hopefully be NEXT week’s message.) Thinking about family time at Thanksgiving. Reading a book. Pondering possibilities for the SF Giants 2023 roster as the MLB Hot Stove League kicks into full swing.

And I’m reviewing texts & Marco Polo’s from friends & loved ones wishing me health; listening to a podcast from a friend’s church (because I want to feed my soul too!); plotting putting together a lunch style meal. And I’m thinking about things I’m thankful for. Because there’s a lot.

Do I ever REALLY stop? & other musings…

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Just looked at the calendar. Five Mondays from today, theBean & I will be on our first day of sabbatical. I’m trying to prepare for this time away, with the purpose of being as intentional as possible about what we’re doing. So, I’m revisiting some studies that I began about 10 years ago on the Sabbath & Sabbath rest. I’ll be blogging some of my thoughts, discoveries, wonderings, & questions here over the next several weeks…(If you’re interested, you can read more about WHY we’re taking a sabbatical HERE)

 

A couple of my favorite ways to study something in the Scriptures are to

  1. find the word in the original language, along with a working definition of the word;
  2. do a word-search & find the first place in the Bible the word is found…
  3. ‘popcorn’ around to other places the word is found, referenced, discussed, etc…

I looked up Sabbath & found the first time the word itself is used is in Exodus 16:23  & it shows up quite a few more times, most notably in Exodus 20:8 – the place in Scripture where God gives Moses the commandments (of the most famous “10 commandments,” the command to remember the Sabbath & keep it holy is #4. But I digress. Fun rabbit trail though.) The definition of Sabbath is “to stop; rest; come to rest; cease.” The more I dug, I discovered that though the word first showed up in Exodus, the first time the concept or practice of Sabbath appears in the Bible is in Genesis 2:1-3 as a part of the creation narrative. It says:

Heaven & Earth were finished, down to the last detail. By the seventh day God had finished His work. On the seventh day He rested from all His work. God blessed the seventh day. He made it a Holy Day, because on that day He rested from His work, all the creating God had done. The Message

Think about it. The final ‘act’ of creation was God creating Sabbath, Holy Time –This was so important that He built it into the fabric of creation by working six days, then on the seventh day, He STOPPED. And then He RESTED.

The more I roll this around in my head, the more I see how tied together the two are: you cannot rest until you stop. So I think about what it takes to stop, to REALLY stop. And I think about myself & my own life patterns & pace of life. I reflect on our cultural norms, behaviors & attitudes that are normal, at least until they are held up to the mirror of God’s Word. And I ask myself, “Do you ever really stop? Do WE?”

We live in a 24/7 city – in a country that celebrates busyness, activity, & multi-tasking. We rarely think about let alone embrace the fact that we have limits – on our time, our physical/mental/emotional capacity, & on what we can do & do well. We often push ourselves & our schedules to the limit, cramming as much activity into our days & weeks as possible. We usually don’t get enough sleep & survive/re-engage with life because of coffee/energy drinks. (An interesting fact – in 2006 when I began my studies on Sabbath, I researched the caffeine, how much was consumed in the US, & how much money was spent on it. Here’s what I found: In 2006, more than $12 Billion was spent on coffee, & another $1.1 Billion was spent on energy drinks, most of which were consumed by people in the 18-25 year old range. Fast forward to 2014 – close to $40 Billion was spent on coffee last year & a staggering $13.5 Billion was spent on energy drinks, a figure which is estimated to rise to at last $21.5 Billion by the year 2017. And the reason more than 60% said they drank coffee/energy drinks? In essence it was, “I need it to get going & keep going. Can’t do what I do without it.”)

When we have time off, we use it to get everything done that we couldn’t finish during the work week, &/or we pack our free time with all sorts of activities. Technology doesn’t help us out here – the modern conveniences of ‘staying connected’ through our smart-phones, computers, omni-present wifi, mp3 players keeps a constant barrage of stimulation & noise bouncing around our brains.

No wonder silence seems strange.

 

Do I ever REALLY stop? When was the last time I took a day, set apart as Holy Time, & didn’t work… didn’t get preoccupied/distracted with something… just intentionally set myself up to BE?

The defense mechanisms kick in quickly. Countless reasons for WHY I do what I do, & WHY taking much time (let alone a day) is just about impossible with all the things that fill my busy schedule come to mind.

And then I think about what I read last week from Matthew 11:25-30, especially the part about finding God’s rhythms of grace for life… & I contrast that to the driven, life-sucking pace & practices that lurk around me… And I want that rhythm, God’s rhythm for me. And so I invite Him in to the mess of me… & I trust He will FINISH what He starts.