Tag Archives: darkness

Somebody to lean on…

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In late 2015, I was in a dark place. A hole, really. Not a literal one… but one of depression, frustration, & hopelessness. There were myriad reasons for this, & I KNEW all of them, at least in my head, though I didn’t know how to navigate out of the pit of freakish misery I felt. I knew I had friends, but I had isolated myself out of shame, fear, & feelings of ‘stuckness’… I was there mostly from my own choices & I made it more complicated by getting stuck in my own head on the hyper-critical, hyper-self-analytical way-overthought “hamster wheel of death.”

At one point, a well-meaning soul recommended that I read the Bible MORE. Pray MORE. Seek God until I found Him, MORE. 

I wanted to scream. And to vigorously shake the person who’d made the suggestions, to ask them, “Don’t you think I’ve TRIED doing MORE? I’ve done MORE.”

And I was still in the darkness.

At the worst of it, I didn’t have to wonder where God was, or why He was ‘letting’ me go through what I was going through. I KNEW exactly where He was. Where He always is. Right there. With me. Even in the darkness, He was WITH me. He was quiet. But He was THERE. And He gave me what I needed every day (hour? minute? second?) to make it through that day (hour? minute? second?) 

And as I came to the end of myself, multiple times, I sensed God’s gentle reminder to me, over & over, that He would never leave me or forsake me. That He gave His Spirit to live WITHIN me as a reminder of His constant attention & presence, no matter what I FELT like. It was like He was sitting WITH me in all my anguish, in all the pain… not trying to fix me, not correcting me, not doing anything but being WITH me. 

When I did read the Bible, it was Psalms. I’d read the whole Book of Psalms my whole life 1x/month (5 Psalms/day, like THIS.) But it was in these times I discovered that Psalms spoke the language of my soul. In Psalms I discovered words that painted the picture of what I felt, & questions that I’d not yet asked myself, but that I resonated with. The words of desperation, full of dark emotion & agony, capable of scratching the ’emotional itch’ that I’d been reaching for for months. The questions. The worries. The soul-crushed declarations. All of it.

And I was reminded of a few things.

Our faith is made for dark times & difficulties. Sure, it is good for the good times too, when everything is “alls as it should be” (to quote Matt Redman) but it is even more tangibly appropriate when I’m seemingly lost & suffering in the dark, literally & figuratively. 

It’s in those times that I (re)discovered a faith that cannot be shaken, rooted in the Person of Jesus Christ. And things got better, but not because my circumstances changed. They didn’t. Rather, they got better because I discovered what it meant to have “Someone to lean on.” To not try to live & function in my own strength.

To be fair, I wasn’t even aware that I had often been functioning with an attitude of “I’ve got this,” in relationship to my family, my friends, & also my God. And the months of darkness, where I got to see the beginning of my end, my own inadequacies, & my own inability to rescue myself. After all, I was there to HELP others, wasn’t I? Not to need others.

In all the dark, I was reminded of my own humanity & my desperate need for God & for others. Of how God often would answer my prayers by sending a person… a person to listen to me. To sit with me. To offer a shoulder to me. 

I’m reminded of this all because I’m approaching my 8 year anniversary of that time. It was back on the 21st of September, 2015 (yes, the 21st of September), when I began to see a light emerge in the darkness. God brought a specific connection, someone for me to lean on, who stood with me while I navigated in, through, & around the dark, ever being lead by the Holy Spirt towards the light of Christ. It lead to changes in perspective, transformations in how I saw myself & others, & the ability to embrace grace again, God’s grace for ME.

And I am eternally thankful.

Monday afternoon musings…

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This morning I observed the normal hustle & bustle of our start to the week – thePastyGangster dropped Mason on his way to work so that Auntie Weezie could take him to preschool. He entered the kitchen in a whirlwind of energy & didn’t slow down. Frank came bounding down the stairs so theBean could take him to school… then rushed back upstairs at least 2 more times because he forgot something. (For such a little guy he sure makes a lot of noise.) iDoey was up & at ’em making breakfast… everyone was headed in different directions at 100 m.p.h. Still, it was a good morning.

The flurry of activity common to our weekday mornings stands in stark contrast to our Sunday afternoons/evenings.  The afternoons are peaceful, quiet, & restful, with only the occasional football game related noise (cries of anguish for 49er fans like me,) breaking the silence It’s a time for rest, catching up on a good book, eating a favorite snack, or just hanging out. The evenings we gather around the dinner table (or counter,) usually with family & friends for a good meal, even better discussion, & time together to be savored. I love it.

I’m really enjoying our current series, “The Jesus Way,” a study through the gospel of John. The thing that really stands out to me is Jesus’ use of the words/imagery of LIGHT & LIFE in describing what He came to bring for any/all who would put their trust in & follow Him. In my studies, I came across the Didache, (a.k.a. the teachings of the 12 Apostles,) a document most likely put together in the 2nd century. Like its name suggests, it shares teachings of the early church on topics such as water baptism, communion/the Eucharist, prayer & fasting, etc…

An area that really jumped out to me was the section called “the 2 ways.” In a nutshell, it says there are 2 Ways – one that leads to LIFE (trusting & following Christ) & one that leads to DEATH (anything else.)  It reminds me of Jesus’ declaration from Matthew 7:

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide & the way is easy that leads to destruction, & those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow & the way is hard that leads to life, & those who find it are few.

I have been on a ‘soup’ kick for the last few months. Seems like I just can’t get enough. My current favorite is made with grilled onions & garlic, cumin, green chiles, diced jalapenos, black & white beans, chicken stock, & the meat of a Costco rotisserie chicken. Lots of flavor & a little bit of spice. I think I’ve been eating it an average of 2x/day.

In the mornings when Mason comes over, I’ll hear him call out, “Hey Grammy.” And I look, expecting to see a grandmother… & I see theBean. Sometimes this doesn’t quite feel like real life, like somehow I have been transported into a future that isn’t my own. And then I look around for my little kids & instead I see 3 adults… 2 grown men with grown man jobs, & a grown woman who’s working really hard & setting herself up for the next chapter of her life. And I wonder, “Is this real life?”

And then Mason says, “Whatcha doing Poppy? Can I have a doughnut?”

And I remember, “Ah, yes. This is real life.”

Just signed up to be a part of a spiritual direction program for the next 9 months. It’s a 1x/month meeting via Skype & I have no idea what to expect, except that I am expecting good things.

 

I’m convinced that whatever you look for in somebody, you’ll find.  If you’re looking for the good, for the areas that God is at work in & through, you’ll be able to uncover it, even if it’s small. And if you look for the negative, the bad, the ugly part of us that everyone has, you’ll find that too.

On that note, there’s always something in life to be complaining about, but really? Why? Why complain about life circumstances, another person who isn’t meeting your expectations about how they’re living their life, etc… ? It doesn’t help, & it makes it not very fun to be around you. Trust me. I’ve been that guy – & one of the best days of my life was when someone told me, “You are SO negative, & you complain about SO many things. It’s tiresome.” I was forced to look in the mirror of my soul & I found a lot of discontent – stuff that was for me to address about myself… & the complaining & negativity were just symptoms, a distraction maybe, that oriented me towards living as a pessimist/realist/negative Nancy. a real downer who was very critical of myself & others. No fun. Don’t want to go back to that.

Here’s to a great day.