Soliciting Another Top 10 List

While in Germany, we got on the topic of severe overcrowding at church – a situation that can cause the pastor to get sent to the pokey if not resolved… a suggestion was made that a way to deal with overcrowding was to ask people not to come to church anymore. Seriously.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I got to thinking… this could be a great blog topic… so here we go: what are the “Top 10 Ways To Get Someone To Stop Coming To Church?” I’ve listed a few to get you going…

1. Foster a “Dead animal smell” in the sanctuary.
2. Put large pad-locks on every cabinet and every door.
3. Make fun of people that show up late.
4. Draw all kinds of awkward attention to visitors.
5. Lock the front door of church exactly at church starting time.
6. Make sure the nursery is filthy & that last weeks diapers remain in the garbage all week.

I’ll be waiting for one or two of your suggestions with baited breath.

11 thoughts on “Soliciting Another Top 10 List

  1. 1- The last Sunday of every month is Roller Skating Sunday, wherein a pair of roller skates is all we’re allowed to wear to church.

    2- Have Bobcat Goldthwait lead worship.

    3- Install video cameras in the bathrooms.

    4- Speaking of bathrooms, would it kill us to have bathroom attendants dressed up in clown suits?

    5- The stinky seat; you know what I’m talkin’ about, Lou.

  2. All the women wear buns and dresses and no makeup or jewelry.

    All the men wear 3-piece suits

    Organ and piano only, with hymns

    Music director in 3-piece suit at front of church beating out time with his hand

    Preacher screams, sweats, and spit flies during sermon

    Little old lady moans while praying in the back of the church

    Women dancing with pom poms on stage

  3. “If you want to accept the Lord… with noone looking around…stomp on the foot of the person next to you…”

  4. no songs written post-18th century.

    organ. just an organ. is that your grandma playing the organ? who knows, she came with the building . . .

    hell-fire and damnation for 2+ hours after.

  5. Station yourself in front of a popular dance club with a big sign advertising your church’s name and address. As people enter the club, yell at them through big bullhorns, “if you don’t repent of your sins, you will surely die and burn in hell!”

    (This actually happened to Sue and I on our first date.)

  6. Two words:
    dress code

    Station a bouncer at the door like it’s a popular dance club and if people are dressed in jeans, sneakers, t-shirts, Tommy Hilfiger attire, etc, tell them that they will have to change before they are allowed into the church…

  7. I’ve got to bring him back into this…Make Rich the goat-boy an usher. Give him a list of people you don’t want to come any more and he’ll raptor kick em all. Problem solved.

  8. 1. Cover Charge a the door.
    2. Have complimentary graduation gowns with hats and tassels handed out as you enter(coupled with the rollerskating idea.)
    3. Having someone operate a spotlight during service to point at random people.

  9. why can’t they just add a service? i don’t know how many they currently hold, but they might be able to do a sat. night.

    i’m thinking that offering more is better than saying, “don’t come here”. do i win the award for “stating the obvious”?

  10. Won’t fly for cultural reasons…

    another service, especially at a ‘non-traditional time’ (before 9 or after noon) on a ‘non-traditional day’ (any day but Sunday) makes it nearly impossible to do that – they are already considered to be on the edge of being a cult because they’re not Lutheran (state church) – but are frei(free) church. Meeting at another time/on another day compounds the suspicion that is already running rampant.

    It was my solution too…

  11. what about a home church solution? one where the lead pastor could choose/appoint home church pastors & hold church services from homes. they could vtc (video tele conference) or web-cast the main service from the dad church site to the kid sites. i know this would take some money, but i think they’re already talking about technological opportunities to work w/hillside- if i’m not mistaken. this process, off the top of my head, would include: home pastors, personnel, logistics, avail. homes, techno equipment purchases, installs, maint. of techno equipment, & all the other stuff. if this is a really serious problem, then this will take lots of money to implement “real” solutions. though funny & extremely witty, the other comments don’t really address the difficulty/problem. spending money on the things that the church values is priority. if they value people, then spending money on getting those people in fellowship & being taught is high priority. again, i’m stating the obvious. those are just some of my thoughts.

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