Boundaries are misunderstood – as though they are some sort of special ‘fix-all’ that are applied to ‘other people’ to magically change another person’s behaviors or to modify their actions.
That’s not setting boundaries – that’s try to control others… Boundaries are set on ourselves. Boundaries are about self-control. Learning to self-regulate, & take responsibility for me, my own wants, desires, choices, & actions.
Boundaries are about truth – me being truthful with myself, & with others with the choices I make; what I will do & won’t do. It might be easier to blame others for our internal dissatisfaction, &/or the situation that we’ve found ourselves in, as connected to them, but in reality, our life situation is largely (not totally – as I’m wanting to avoid blanket statements :) due to what we’ve allowed/tolerated/gone along with because of our people pleasing issues. Or our desire to avoid conflict.
Creating & applying boundaries is taking responsibility for myself in the context of relationship with others. It’s making consistent choices to affect personal change so as not to continually place myself in a hurtful, damaging, controlling situation.
Boundaries are not withdrawal from relationship either:
Boundaries are only built & established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the 1st step of boundaries is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against developing boundaries with another person. The only place boundaries are real is in relationship with another person.
So, every relationship is affected by the boundaries I set, because the boundaries I set have to do with me. And that’s a great place to start affecting change…
To be continued…
i’ve learned about boundaries the hard way. i’ve also learned that there are some ways that God is ok with me being me and not the person i was trying to be.
that’s a good place to be as well.
This really is good stuff . . . Thanks . . .
thank you for this material, scoey