I read a friend’s post about New Years Resolutions – esp. the part about wanting to stop living as a “people pleaser.”
It inspired a thought, which has led to the planning of a post on people pleasing – this is not that post. THAT post will be coming soon. But for now, a few questions to ponder, & answer if you’d like.
-What would you say a “people pleaser” does that makes them a “people pleaser?”
-What situations do you find yourself most tempted to fall into “people pleasing?”
-What person/persons would you say that you’re most tempted to try to “please”?
-Who do you think ends up paying the greatest cost or experiencing the biggest loss as a result of the decision(s) to “people please?”
-What has been personally helpful to you in stopping the cycle of “people pleasing?”
-What has been personally most difficult for you in attempting to stop?
Cheers!
Here’s my answers in the order you posted them:
1. I think a “people pleaser” does things they don’t want to out of fear of losing someone’s favor.
2. Usually the situations I get myself into are committing to jobs/tasks that I don’t really have the time or inclination for.
3. I usually “people please” with people I am not as close to. New people that I want to like me. Once I get to know someone I can usually be more honest with them about what I will or won’t do. Also, I tend to only “people-please” with women. I think because I feel men are less likely to hold it against you (whether that’s true or not). Then again men are less likely to ask me for something then women, so that might be another reason.
4. Both the “pleaser” and (is this right?) “pleasee” pay. The “pleaser” because they cause themselves stress and both because the relationship isn’t being built on honesty. Sometimes resentment on the part of the “pleaser” can doom the relationship, too.
5. What helps me stop “people pleasing” is just telling myself to relax and remind myself that I can’t stand fakeness and this should be no different. That if this relationship is so important, that I should give it honesty or else it’ll never reach it’s full potential.
6. The fear of not being liked is definitely the thing that gets in the way. Low self-worth.
First, I think I started a beef with your music player. Now when I open your blog, it blocks the top of the first comment so I can’t read it until I open it in a pop up window.
Second, this is a good post and I am really interested to see if we are all pleasing for the same reasons. Most of my answers are very similar to Erin’s.
So here you go:
1) I would say a people pleaser is someone who does something to appease someone rather than actually wanting to do the task.
2) I tend to “people please” for 2 reasons. I want people to like me, or because of my huge fear of criticism.
3) Like Erin, I am most tempted to please women, and people that I don’t know well. In my experience, when women (in general) don’t get their way, or you do not live up to their expectations, tend to react in a very emotional, non rational manner. As Erin said, it also seems to go on their “list” of things to hold against you, and bring up at a later time. I haven’t ever experienced these types of issues with the guys in my life.
3) My family and myself tend to pay the most. Usually I end up over committing myself at the cost of my husband and kids. If it is an “emotional” issue, not a physical task, again, my husband usually takes the brunt of it.
4) I think knowing who I am in Christ, and being mindful of my priorities (Husband and family comes before need of anyone else). Has really helped curb some of these behaviors.
5) I have to be very careful not to put my fears of what people will think of me, or how they will react when I don’t live up to their expectations of me ahead of my priorities. Which is not easy for me.
1)They act differently, completely ignore their convictions or personal beliefs when around certain groups of people.
2)When running for political office.
3)The voters.
4) . . . wait, are we supposed to be answering these about ourselves?
okay… so a post about a subject that has been the center of my attention for qutie awhile has prompted me to step from readership to contributor. I’ve got tremendous amounts of respect for mr scoey… i dont mean to crash the party
and my response… begins… feel free to not read any of it… i have nothing unique to say… but i’ll feel better if i type this out. If you want to save your time, its basically saying I’m the worlds most unpleasant people pleaser.
-What would you say a “people pleaser” does that makes them a “people pleaser?”
‘i dont work for you guys’ ‘thats not my job’. i always envy people that can say that… unless they’re saying it to me. When its being said to me it becomes tremendously frustrating. Although I know its not true, my honest first gut reaction is ‘that fellow is lazy… they just dont want to do anything’. Maybe its this gut reaction that always leads me to say ‘yes’. (Or more recently ‘yes… but this is why im going to hate every minute of doing this for you’). I get that gut feeling like I’m doing something morally wrong to not help somebody when I’m perfectly capable of doing it. The verdict is still out as to whether or not my gut feeling is right or not.
-What situations do you find yourself most tempted to fall into “people pleasing?”
always, all the time.
-What person/persons would you say that you’re most tempted to try to “please”?
Myself. I cant stand some of the choices I’ve made and time time it takes. I know others do more… but I’m speaking from my own personal threshold of ‘busy’. I’ll always please myself first… by fulfilling my time obligations that I’ve put on myself. Then comes everybody else. And in my mind all other people are in the same group… ‘everybody else’. Thus, the people who I fundamentally should truly WANT to please and enjoy doing it fall in to the ‘everybody else category’. As a result, Ive noticed I get a little attitude about it. I’m not so sure my vesrion of ‘people pleasing’ is all that pleasant at all. As previously stated, ‘yes’ has become ‘yes… but this is why im going to hate every minute of doing this for you’.
-Who do you think ends up paying the greatest cost or experiencing the biggest loss as a result of the decision(s) to “people please?”
The people who I want to spend time with. I had a conversation with my lovely girlfriend the other day… when she wanted to spend a nice Saturday out with me going out and doing stuff around town. Paraphrased… it went something like this. ‘Lovely Girlfriend: Hey Casey, we should go out and have a nice day today’. ‘Casey: ughhhh sounds like just another demand on my time. Cant somebody just want to just hang out and not expect me to do something’.
-What has been personally helpful to you in stopping the cycle of “people pleasing?”
Nothing yet… ideas? I usually just turn my phone off and lock the doors and shut myself in… tricking myself in to thinking I’m having ‘me’ time. In reality its just ‘i dont want to deal with you’ time. Not exactly healthy.
-What has been personally most difficult for you in attempting to stop?
Rather than choose to exhibit self control, I will usually just turn my phone off, and shut myself in… taking my ‘me time’. The point of my frustrations with pleasing people is that I never do what I want to do. My attempts to stop myself from pleasing others is still stopping me from doing what I want to do… good move Case… good move. But hey, at least I’m not pleasing others and thats worth something… right? … right? … oh
i have actually been thinking about this today, and i have some answers less in jest than i provided earlier.
for me, you are being a “people pleaser” when you aren’t being true to yourself (meaning your personality, convictions, and beliefs). there were intermittent times in my life where i really wanted people to like me, so i basically acted like i knew they wanted me to act to be accepted. this happens a lot in the church (not our church necessarily, but “the church” as an entity).
like everything else i have a hard time with the “balance”/”equilibrium”/whatever you want to call it. sometimes you try to please your boss to the detriment of your family and well-being, but the opposite reaction is to use the aforementioned “it’s not my job” approach. while sometimes this is true and acceptable, more often than not if you use that phrase often you are just a lazy jackass. you can not be afraid to express yourself, but if you are rude and completely inconsiderate of people, you are just a jerk (luckily i don’t struggle with that).
for me, i really found my prime people pleasing years to be right out of high school. i really didn’t try to please much of anybody for most of high school, and it worked out well for me. i don’t know what happened in the “real world” that turned me into one of the smily gladhands with hidden agendas.
Learn to swim.
OK I’m game. I’m going to try this again.
-I would say a “people pleaser” wants to be loved, keep the peace and/or avoid conflict to the point of detriment
-It is with amazing speed and agility that I can fall into “people pleasing” dysfunction when I am around my mom & sister together – all at once
-Someone I’m trying to earn favor with whether intentionally or not
-I think the “people pleaser” experiences the biggest loss however, usually others are negatively affected in some way
-*Learning how to rely on God and be obedient to His will and not my own *Understanding what it means to be a Godly wife (totally changed my life – great stuff!)
*Being honest & direct with people for example “Thank you Dana for asking, however, if I serve in Kidland I think it will send me over the edge. I will keep my ears open for you though, thanks again and good luck!”
-RECOGNIZING when I am being a “people pleaser” or just being nice because I want to. For example I picked up coffee because
#1 I felt like being a suck-butt and figured out who I needed to schmooze
#2 I don’t want to fall out of favor with these people so I’ll get them coffee
#3 When I was ordering coffee I was nudged to order some for my friends because I thought they would enjoy a nice surprise on their busiest morning of the week :)
Cheers back atcha…really enjoyed the tunes too!
Brint, Laura, Erin, Chemane, & Casey!
Thanks for taking the time to put in your 2cents+ on this…
I think the thing that is most intriguing to me is that everyone who answered (& also, just about everyone that I’ve talked to on this topic,) has zero trouble identifying who/where they’re most tempted to “people please” around… & also the one(s) who end up paying the most seem to be ourselves & our loved ones.
I know there is no easy answer or quick fix (take 2 & call me in the a.m.) but I believe that there ARE answers – & it requires change in our behavior patterns. Learning to recognize unhealthy behaviors in ourselves, & also in others – & not playing along with them any longer. Saying no when necessary. Enduring rejection. Re-prioritizing who’s opinions are going to matter in our lives.
Louie-I like what you said about “not playing along any longer”. I recently experienced a parting of ways with a really good friend. When I looked back I asked myself “What was my part in all of this”. The answer was clear. By not speaking up when I didn’t agree, by choosing to be silent, I was giving consent to behavior that I didn’t agree with. I didn’t see that as “people pleasing” behavior until now. Thanks for the insight.