This is #3 in a blog mini-series about “Stuff I’ve picked up along the way.” You can find the other 2 parts of this HERE
STUFF #3 – NOBODY OWES ME ANYTHING. (This one came up a couple of times; first, in a series of conversations with a former pastoral overseer/supervisor of mine, Ron Pinkston, & then later with Jerry Cook.)
Think about that phrase for a second.
It’s not “I don’t owe anyone anything,” (which I know might sound suuuuuper attractive to you. I recognize that it could be a very enticing potential life motto, especially when one is feeling stretched super-thin {like too little butter spread over too much toast} &/or is feeling extra “done” from pouring out. Nope.)
This one is not THAT. It, very specifically & intentionally, is “Nobody owes me anything.”
Time is funny, in that I can’t remember all the specifics that were going on in my life at the time, nor exactly what prompted me to seek out the conversation w/Ron. (Granted – this may have been 25 years ago.) I do remember that I was frustrated, I felt wronged, & I really, truly thought that when I talked to my supervisor, he would fully understand, he would reassure me in my feeling of ‘wrongness’ & perhaps even commiserate with me a bit about the VERY obvious series of wrongs that I was experiencing. I was right about one thing; he DID understand. Except…
He understood what I was saying to him better than I understood it myself. In my mind, I was relaying to him one of the great hurts that happen to People Like Me in this life; people who are givers who then, in their own point of need, are not considered, taken for granted, & perhaps even… forgotten. But what he understood was that what I was expressing to him was disappointment & frustration at being let down by a couple of people who Should Have Known Better & Done Better in their interactions with me. And what I was sharing with him was born out of entitlement, selfishness, & self-pity.
I’m thankful he didn’t drop the proverbial hammer on me… nope. He merely interrupted my eloquent complaints & said something like, “I get it. I GET it. I know what the problem is… You’re living, functioning, & interacting with these people (& probably more) with a belief that because of who you are & what you do, that somehow they OWE you in some way. And you just can’t believe that they’re NOT responding towards you in the way you want.”
Ever have one of those moments when a trusted friend shares some tough words with you & as you hear them, you also hear & feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit reinforcing what they’re saying? This was THAT. I knew he was right. And I knew enough to shut up & listen instead of attempting to justify myself & explain away the insights he’s just exposed. I’m thankful for his input & correction – it didn’t come from a place “on high” & unrelatable; no, it came from his own experiences. And he shared those with me – how he had been EXACTLY where I was, thinking on the same thing, wondering how & why he deserved to be so wronged…
One thing he said really stood out – “If you live your life, doing what you do, in such a way that you’re believing what you’re doing entitles you to some sort of acknowledgment or reciprocation from these people, you’re going to be in increasingly BIGGER trouble as time goes by. It’s a subtle trap of the enemy of our souls – where he invites us to look at the way we live as a part of a cosmic quid pro quo… it robs us of the joy of serving others, caring for & laying down our lives for others, & it runs the risk of poisoning our hearts & minds with bitterness & resentment. It’s ugly & it’s proud, & it will consume you if you let it. Remember, nobody OWES you anything, Louie.”
As I remember, we took a minute to pray about it & I repented – asked God’s forgiveness for the entitlement, selfishness, & pride that motivated it. And coming out the other side of the conversation, I felt 100x lighter. And free-er.
Over the years, I’ve felt the familiar feeling/temptation to go down the road of selfish entitlement more than a few times… but I can say in good conscience that I’ve avoided it like the plague. And to me, “nobody owes me anything,” has become an invitation to acknowledge my own brokenness, while at the same time intentionally choosing to be kind, compassionate, & intentional about giving of myself to & for others.
And I’m thankful for that.